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Did he "fall out of love"? - Please help I am desperate/hurting


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I am 23, he is 25. We have been together for 4 years (first boyfriend/girlfriend- first everything for both of us). Got into a fight about sth. stupid and after that fight he started ignoring me and never talked to me again. It has been 5.5 months since that fight and the first month after break up I tried to talk to him and he just ignored every attempt.

Prior to that fight he didn't spend much time with me, he rarely stayed over, didn't kiss me EVEN SO we still had regular sex. He met friends but did tell me he doesn't have time to met me due to work. He didn't get emotional and didn't seem happy to be with me and criticised me and everything I did. Didn't call me and sometimes didn't even call back if I tried...That was his behaviour over the last 2 years and it got worse till the end... It was totally different to the way he treated me the first 2 years. But he asked me to move in 2 weeks prior to the fight/break up...

 

Up to now (5.5 months since break up) he didn't contact me and ignored all my attempts at the beginning (NC since 4 months - broke it once at the beginning). Since he didn't officially break up with me and just started ignoring me after the fight I can only guess what his reasons are. I thought he broke up with me because he was fed up with fighting and so on but I slowly start to realize that he must have "fallen out of love" since he wasn't interested in spending time with me at the end...

 

Maybe he didn't realize that himself and just felt that he needed to get "out"...

 

BUT 3 friends met him 4 weeks ago and told me he looks really really HORRIBLE as if he didn't sleep in weeks and so on...

 

Could it be GUILT or did he start MISSING me and if so why didn't he try to contact me... Should I try the water!??

 

I love him and I still can't imagine a life without him but if he "fell out of love" then there is nothing I can do about it but to accept it. You can't force someone to love you.

 

I want him back. What should I do!?

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You can't really do anything. He won't take your calls. Unless you went to where he lives and waited for him, thats the only thing I can think off.

 

But if he was treating you like that... Why would you want to get back with him? He's ignored you for 5 months... after being with you for 4 years... Thats really childish on his part.

 

And he could be looking horrible for any reason. It might not be because he misses you. I can think of millions of reasons.

 

If you want to contact him. Try face to face, as he won't be able to ignore you very well then =P

 

Good luck

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Question is: is his behaviour prior to the break up a sign that he fell out of love?????????????

If YES then contacting him would be a waste of time.

He didn't ignore me the last couple of months since I didn't contact him the last 4 months...

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It seems that you have answered a lot of your own questions and covered quite a few angles. It could be any one of the situtations you mentioned. The thing is no-one but your ex knows the real truth and after 4 years together he should had the decency to talk to you or tell you so you could have had some sort of closure or understanding.

 

Judging by your post it does sound as if things "weren't right" before the argument, maybe the argument was the excuse he needed. You were each others first bf/gf so maybe he is suffering from GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome).

 

A lot of people in your situation ask "how can I get him back" but you have rightly stated that "you can't force someone to love you". All you can do for now is accept, accept that it is over, accept that he needs space, accept that you have to focus on moving on.

 

I know that probably isn't what you want to hear but there really is little else you can do. Who knows in time he may realise that the grass insn't greener on the other side. I'm not saying that definitely is the case ... only time will tell. But in the meantime you should focus on yourself and on moving on. Try to look forwards instead of backwards. I know its hard but if I can do it so can you.

 

Right now it is all about accepting the situation for what it is, you may never know the reasons why.

 

Good luck

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People who start to get discontented with a relationship usually stay quite a while while making up their minds to leave, until they feel ready to be on their own. So he was showing signs for 2 years that he really was weaning himself off you to prepare for the breakup.

 

The sad thing is you can still be really in love, while he is in the process of detaching himself from you, until something final happens that gives him his out card and then he leaves.

 

I think by his behavior for the last 2 years really showed his feelings... he was using you as a security blanket until he was ready to leave, and still coming around for the parts he wanted (sex etc.) while experimenting with being single hanging out with his friends etc. He also could have been dating others for all you know, especially if he quit treating you like a girlfriend and quit staying over or kissing you etc.

 

He may have felt guilty about leaving you since you were first loves, and was hoping after behaving badly for a while you'd get sick of it and dump him to relieve his guilt. But since you didn't do that, he just waited til you had a big blowout then took off. When people leave with no talks like that, it either means they are terrible selfish people, or else if they are not awful, then they feel so much guilt they can't bear to have your tears and crying and asking for a reconciliation when what they want is to really leave.

 

So sadly, he gave you all the signs he was heading out of the relationship for a long time, and you didn't want that or acknowledge them. I think it wasn't just one fight that did it, i think he was ready to go for those two years, and just took his time doing it either for his own reasons or because he was hoping you'd do the deed and break up with him so he wouldn't feel guilty about leaving you.

 

I wouldn't take the fact he looked terrible as a sign of anything. He could have had the flu, had a hangover, any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you. He has your phone number and if what he wanted was to get you back, it would be easy for him to call you. So don't discount all the huge evidence that came before that he wanted out of the relationship, just because you want him back and someone said he looked bad. They could even be saying that to try to make you feel better (as in, of course he misses you), when until he tells you that himself, all the rest is just hearsay and not based on anything.

 

You need to start thinking about what is right for you and your life, and you don't want to spend it waiting around for a guy who left you and treated you badly for 2 years before he left. I think he was no longer in love with you, or he would have treated you differently. So best for you to start looking for someone new who does love you and treats you well.

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omg.. please do not get back with him.

 

To me, once a relationship is OFF, it should stay off. You will get into a nasty cycle of breaking up and making up and soon you guys will lose respect for each other.

 

I just got out of a 3 year relationship two days ago. My ex was notorious for going MIA and for being distant with me. I made the mistake of going back to him all the time. I thought "There's a reason we keep coming back, right?" but no... there's no reason. At least not a good reason. It's because I was afraid of being alone and he was my comfort and I guess for him, he got free sex.

 

The fact that he's been withdrawing for TWO years? That's a bit long..

 

After one of our fights, he disappeared for three months. Then came back. A year later, it happened again. They don't keep coming back because they love you. if they loved you, they wouldn't have freaking disappeared in the first place.

 

I know how you feel. My ex was my first boyfriend...first love...first everything. I was in denial the last few months about him being distant. I kept thinking, "Well maybe he's busy... maybe he's tired". NOPE.

 

Keep up the NC.

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Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?

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