Girlfriend feels like just a friend to me

[Theseus_Black]

Okay, so I've been going out with this girl for almost a year. I'm 18, she's 19. She goes to UC San Diego, I'm going to USC. She's smart, kind, caring, cute, and I really do think she cares about me. I also really do care about her.

 

But I can't help get the feeling we're just "buddies" or "pals." Whenever we talk, it's always casual talk about our day, what's been going on, etc. At the end of our conversations, we tack on an "I love you," and it just feels so forced. And that's it. That's the extent of our communication.

 

Now, when I think of boyfriend/girlfriend, I think of two people who say sweet, romantic things to each other, who are passionate toward each other, sexually-charged, flirtatious, etc. Maybe talk dirty on the phone from time to time. Maybe dress sexy on webcam. That sort of thing. But with her, I just feel like a good friend. Or even worse, I feel like we're already an old married couple... and we're still in the peak years of our relationship and lives. And again, I'm not expecting that kind of thing all the time - but occasionally would be nice.

 

We've both agreed that she is not a very sexual person, or at least that her sexual needs are certainly not as great as mine. She says no sex before marriage, and the furthest we've gotten is to a bit of dry humping with all our clothes on. And I don't think it's going any farther than that, which is endlessly frustrating for me. And while I understand that a boyfriend should also be a best friend, I can't help but feel like I'm ONLY a best friend... who she might happen to think is cute.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm not really sure what to do. Like I said, I really do care about her, so don't think I'm just some lusty horndog. But we just seem to have really different ideas about what a couple is, and how a couple should act, and while she may be perfectly content with merely swapping stories about each other's day, I'm not. I want more out a relationship. What can I do?

[orangesoda]

I think the more important question is has it always been this way? Or have things slowly degraded to the point where you're now more 'friends' than 'lovers'? If so, you might be able to try and spice things up and maybe recapture the spark - but if it's pretty much always been this way, you're better off finding someone more compatible.

[arcadefire]

Sounds like you two got into the "comfort" zone, better off as friends than lovers kind of thing.

 

Do you two do anything romantic together? I think intimacy and love is what differentiates a friend from a lover. If you can't call her your lover, then it's best to have a talk with her and see how she feels about you.

 

And if you two do decide to break, it would be best if you two don't become friends immediately as there might be mind games and jealousy issues if one of you sees another person.

[WomanWriter]

Hmm...sounds like there might be chemistry, but you guys just aren't utilizing it to its potential (or at all, really). She may be a bit shy. My relationship with my ex was a lot like "friendship" but I still had butterflies and lust and all that good stufff...but mostly we just talked about our days too. We didn't act overly flirty generally, just once in a while.

I think that's normal for some couples, not necessarily weird. You could still be completely in love and not act all lusty.

 

On the other hand, sounds like you guys need some spice or variety in your relationship. You could afford to be more playful. Why not tease her a bit or tickle each other? Call her a romantic name and bring her flowers, see how she responds.

 

Usually it just takes one person to initiate it. She may be surprised at first, but probably pleased. She may respond in kind.

 

If that doesn't start things up more, have a talk with her and tell us what you said here.

 

Like I said, it doesn't have to mean you don't like her more than a friend (although that's possible too). Chances are, you guys DO feel more than friendship, but the way you guys are relating has gotten kind of dull and you two need to work on making it more fun.

 

I don't think you need to break up unless she refuses to fix the problem...because it's a problem for you...you want romance, and she needs to step up the plate.