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He visits new worlds - she stays at home....


Natty7

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PROBLEM:

 

He is an airline industry worker, works really hard and travels for free. She just got back into the job market again after being layed off for three months. He goes away to new countrys without her because she can't afford it and just started a new job.

 

HIS SIDE:

 

I don't make a lot of money in my industry but I have free flight benefits. Tickets are too much money... just for a few days. I travel for free and I want to take advantage of it while I can. I just can't take her and don't want to miss out. Our next trip is scheduled for Italy in November. I will be hooking her up on that trip!

 

HER SIDE:

 

I understand that I am not his responsibility and he shouldn't have to be obligated to pay for me when he goes away. I understand that for one of the first times of my life, I can't afford the extra things because of being fired out of nowhere. I see him go and understand that I can't go but I still feel something about it. I want him to acknowledge that it sucks for me. My friends and family tell me that maybe he isn't being too considerate and I stand up for him but then I wonder. We are going to Italy in November because that is when I can save enough up. I LOVE nothinig more than to travel and discovery new worlds.

 

Oh, and I have to watch his dog when he goes. So far, this year, I have watched him go to Utah, Colorado, Boston, Georgia, Argentina, Nicaragua for surfing, snowboarding and exploring.

 

We have been together for a year. And our communication is great. Well getting better. Any outside non-biased perspectives would help out a bit.

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Natty, I've been the traveler for many years while my husband prefers to stay home and watch the dog. It's so amazing that he trusts me (and I could have had, at least in my younger days, a man in every city) it makes me be a better person. I really work to deserve his trust. I have been propositioned, flirted with, hit on, etc. and never have I strayed from my amazing man.

 

This is normal airline employee or travel freak behavior (I belong to the latter category but it started with having to travel for work). I would work for the airlines in a heartbeat... and then my husband would be where you are... but he wouldn't feel the same way.

 

I hope you can adjust, because if you can't - this bone of contention will enlarge and fester.

 

My husband DOES enjoy the first class upgrades, lifetime elite status, preferential treatment, and all the other things that my travel affords us (and I LOVE sharing all the benefit with him and getting us both spoiled rotten). So do you think you could be happy with a bit of that?

 

Good luck and God bless...

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I do trust him, even though it's hard. Thanks for that perspective! I didn't think that he would, in turn, fight that much harder to be deserving of my touch. I just want so badly to go and explore the world as well. I do understand but posts like yours make me think outside of the box.

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It seems like he's making an effort though; he's helping to finance a trip to Italy for the two of you and that right there shows some proactive measures on his part. Not everybody is willing to do that.

 

i agree. he's not responsible for your happiness in this matter b/c he can't control the circumstances. why shouldn't he be able to take himself somewhere if he can? he's still taking you to italy. what do you want from him? to just say "I'm sorry you can't go with me"? What would ideally be his reaction?

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It's a terribly difficult situation, and I think it also depends on how long you've been together and how committed you are to each other. The things he does (snowboarding, surfing etc.) are not free, even after the flights are paid for, so I assume it's not that he doesn't have money to help you out here, even if that's what he says. I think there is room for some middle ground, where he helps you out on a flight or two (I have a few relatives who work for different airlines, and got free flights, and they all also get discounts for partners and immediate family), and you wish him the best on a few more individual trips. At the moment, the balance seems a bit too much shifted towards him for a committed couple, but that's just my view.

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I don't think it's healthy in a relationship for one person to subsidize the other. If you want to travel, go work for an airline also. Almost anyone without a criminal record can get some sort of job at an airline.

 

Paying for a vacation once in a while in a relationship isn't a bad thing. And he's doing that since you mentioned Italy. But to pay to take you six or a dozen places a year with him just because he can go for free and you can't is a terrible burden of expectation.

 

Remember, he has this benefit because his choices in work led him to this job. If you want the same benefit, you should work for it as well. If your passion lies elsewhere other than with a career at an airline, then enjoy the fruits of that passion and try not to covet the fruits of another.

 

Best wishes.

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All great points, I agree with them. I don't expect him to pay but we get into fights because I wish he could empathize with me. That's all. Like someone said, maybe in a committed relationship it is shifted too much to one side. And I appreciate so much that he will be throwing hundred bucks towards my airline ticket I really do- but I wanted to clarify that we are indeed going to Italy so later in the year, because it takes that long for me to save up some money for me to go. In October I am taking him on a cruise with me that my employer is paying for and this will be the first vacation we go on this year together. I am excited.

 

I guess I was trying to see if my feelings of being left behind were warranted but I guess they're not. Thanks for the posts!!!!

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How should he empathise with you? Ideally, what would his words to you be?

 

It's selfish for others to pick up our burdens. It's an insecurity and emotion you have, one that's grown as a result of what he has compared to what you don't, but that's hardly his fault. I can understand your envy that he's out doing that when you're stuck working, but it's a small problem to have in comparison to what other problems are out there.

 

Be grateful for what you have instead of upset over what you don't.

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Do you really need him to feel terrible for you that you are staying at home when he travels? I would not recommend to feed that way of thinking. I think that you are lucky if he doesn't feel this way. Who needs pity? Do you think he will be still attracted to you if he would think about you as of a miserable thing who is not capable to live up to her dreams?

 

One person here gave you a nice advice - find your life in your life and respect his life and his choices. If you like his life better, then change your life accordingly. Independence, independence, independence.

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Thank you for your posts.

 

I did, a few years back before I met him, go into the airline industry because I loved traveling so much but felt that I needed to return to law. It's my passion and my breadwinner. I usually make a substantial amount of money and 2009 has not been kind to me. It actually has been the most difficult year of my life. I guess, when I do make my normal earnings, I am willing to take my extra cash and share it with my loved ones. That's just who I am. I may not have extra money these days to show him a good time but I do have friends. Friends that I have helped out in the past so they give me Universal Studios tickets, or Disney tickets, or Blue Man Group tickets, or movie and concert tickets. And I take him each time. My boss is taking my co-workers plus one on a cruise. I choose him. I give what I can when I can.

 

What would I want him to say to me specifically was a question someone had. Thanks for asking that because I really had to think about it. I would just want him to be a little more on the sensitive side with me. Understand that I may feel a little down because I have to sit on the sidelines again. (and he knows I am not that type of girl). Just be extra sweet because that always lifts my spirits.

 

But thanks for the posts. I don't wholly believe in some of them but they ALL make me think outside of the box.

 

P.S. Boyfriend has completely loved all of your posts. So I have sucked up the gloating on his part because he agreed to post this with me. LoL

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Here's another aspect of the travel bug for you...

 

For more than a dozen years now, I have traveled enough on "my" airline to make the top-level elite tier (100k+ miles per year). At first, it was because my company flew me. But by the time I lost my job I was hooked. I managed for the last 7 years to make the highest tier by flying cheap tickets, overseas or accross the US, but still.

 

A few times my husband grumbled at me because he thought I was spending too much money on airline tickets. Well... I don't buy clothes, makeup, jewelry, cars, collection items or other (to me) frivolous things.

 

The only two things I spend money on are techie toys and plane tickets.

 

When I pointed that out to him, he suddenly realized how gosh darned lucky he is to have me!!!

 

So anyway it's different for everyone, but our equation works and I don't want to change it. If you like traveling then please, enjoy every little bit of your benefits with him and don't worry when he flies off on his own. Your support means he will be always happy to come home to you. On the other hand, if you resent his solo travels he will resent coming home because then he has to suffer for it with sulking, pouting, or whatever.

 

So, if it's for you, you should pursue it. If you think it's not right then he is probably not the right one for you. This travel bug... it's in the blood and very hard to shake!

 

One other item: If I had a dollar for every time a stranger asked me, "You mean your husband LETS you travel?" I would be a rich woman. Ugh. I cannot believe it's still a question of permission. I would never have married him if I couldn't be a free woman... where in the marriage handbook does it say if a spouse travels they cheat? Yuk.

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