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Please Tell Me-Should I stay or Go?!?


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I have been googling Relationship help (and different forms of the question) for a couple days now. I finally found this forum and felt I could get some help here. I have been reading past post and would like to ask help on my own situation.

 

Background-

I am engaged we have been together for 5 years, have to children under the age of 4, hes 35 I am 27.

When we first started dating I wasnt that attracted to him. He told me his goals, owning a house, having children, etc. Which were things I wanted. Over time he kept telling me he wanted to settle down with me. Even though I wasnt that in to him I felt since we had the same goals and he is so nice and giving, over time my feelings would deepen.

 

Well fast forward 5 years later. On the outside we have the happy home. I stay at home with the kids, he works. He gives, loves and provides for our family without blinking an eye. But I feel lost and have been depressed for months, a year, years. I dont know the last time I felt satisfied or accomplished. He knows this, we constantly fight about how I am not loving towards him anymore, I dont touch him or talk to him. I'm here but I'm not. I love him, but I am not in love with him. I have been taking St. Johns Wort for months-Nothing. I did some googling and found Sam-E, just started that 2 weeks ago. Feeling are still the same.

 

Our main issue are-

-He constantly complains to me I dont show him love. But when I do he says "Oh whats wrong with you, you touched me. Why are you being nice, what do you want."

-I wont marry him. He would be happy if we went to the court house tonight. I feel if we arent happy now what is marriage going to do.

-He does not want me to hang out with friends. They are single but have kids and take care of their responsibilities. I have been close with since high school. He says they are a bad influence, they arent doing anything to succeed in life, they use me (not true) He is really pushing me to end contact with them. My friend just asked me to watch her son and the first thing he says "Oh sure just let them use you. I said I havent babysat for her in months. He says you just do whatever they want." He feels they are against him and tell me to leave him. But they dont, they know I am unhappy, but they dont sit there and trash talk him. Mainly because when I am with them the last thing I want to do is talk about him or think about him. My friends are jealous they cant find a man like him,that will support and take care the family.

-He wont let me work outside of the home. He does not want the kids in daycare. He keeps saying he will give me an allowance but never has. He wont let me get an evening job after he gets home from work. Because he said he is tired and cant deal with the kids by himself.

- He quit his job so we could move back to my hometown, because I was depressed. I thought I was homesick, but really it is this relationship. He throws that in my face every chance he gets. He says he will never let me forget that I made him quit his job. Even though he has a job paying the same amount now and it was NOT my idea to move back. I told him a number of times I didnt want to move.

-He constantly tells me Im bad at things. Simple things like driving. The whole time we are in the car and I am driving he yells at me, Im to close to a car, Im driving to fast, to slow etc. But our whole relationship I have never been in an accident. While he has caused minor body damage 2x and totaled 1 car.

-He says I can go out and have a fun night out, but not with my current friends. He told me to find new friends. But how when I am locked in the house with kids all day. He told me to figure it out on my own. I love my kids but everyone needs some downtime, sometime to go out laugh, dance. Since I am not allowed to go out with my friends I dont leave the house. Going out by myself is not my idea of fun.

-He constantly tells me I need to grow up, I'm spoiled, I dont appreciated anything he does, all of my decisions are wrong, and I need to see that since he is older he knows better than me. But on the other hand he will tell me I am a great mom, Im a great cook, he couldnt live without me, I'm a great housewife.

-He makes me feel old, we dont go out, we sit on the couch every night. He says he is too tired to go out.

-I feel I am wasting away in this house, in this relationship.

-Of course we have no sex life.

 

All the above issues are things we have talked about and had fights about.

 

-I want to stay with him because I dont want to shuffle our kids back and forth between two houses.

-If I did leave him, he would fight for full custody and try to move to his hometown about 3 hrs away.

-I would have nothing. We have two cars both in his name, a house in his name. I havent had a job history for 5 years. Our ( well I guess its his since I dont work) savings is in his account.

 

My question is do I submit to him, give up my friends, accept that I cant work outside the home until both kids are in school (until 2012), believe that he is always right, spend my time in the house and just accept this is the life I choose? And how? How do I do that? How do I make the feelings of resentment go away? Go to the doctors and get a stronger anti depressant? My friends feel that he is trying to control me and alienate me from everyone. My mother feels I should stay because of the kids and says "See this is why I never wanted a man in my life." I constantly daydream about having my own apartment, my own job, how I would handle the kids going back and forth between our homes.

 

Or is he right? I'm I just spoiled and immature? Is there nothing wrong with my life. I should be happy with all that he has done (which I am, but he feels I that I'm not and dont praise him enough.) And if I do what he tells me to do and stop fighting for thing I want (my friends, a fun night out with my friends, a job, my own opinion, my own voice in this relationship etc) then our life will be happy.

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Or is he right? I'm I just spoiled and immature? Is there nothing wrong with my life. I should be happy with all that he has done (which I am, but he feels I that I'm not and dont praise him enough.) And if I do what he tells me to do and stop fighting for thing I want (my friends, a fun night out with my friends, a job, my own opinion, my own voice in this relationship etc) then our life will be happy.

 

Dear Olive,

NO. NO. You are not spoiled and immature. You are living in a miserable and, from what you've told us, an abusive relationship.

I don't have any answers about custody and finances, I'm sorry. I am sure other people here will have advice.

But you haven't decided this overnight. You have been unhappy for years. You may never have really been happy with him. You both sound as though you have a lot of resentment towards each other, and your problems sound so numerous that if I was in your shoes I wouldn't even know where to start working on them.

Olive, I would make plans to leave. But take other people's advice here about custody. If it came to a choice between my kids and a miserable marriage, I wouldn't want to lose my kids. Why do you think he would get custody, anyway?

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It sounds to me like you should leave, too...27 is way too young to have accepted this as being the life you are destined to live. It doesn't sound like he is willing to work on your problems, and actually a few of the things you said set off warning bells in my head that he may be overly controlling and/or abusive.

 

The custody issue is definitely a concern and I would research it thoroughly before I left, but it would also definitely be better for your kids to not witness their mother being treated the way he treats you throughout their childhoods. They are learning how relationships "ought" to be from watching the two of you interact with each other.

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Dear Olive,

NO. NO. You are not spoiled and immature. You are living in a miserable and, from what you've told us, an abusive relationship.

I don't have any answers about custody and finances, I'm sorry. I am sure other people here will have advice.

But you haven't decided this overnight. You have been unhappy for years. You may never have really been happy with him. You both sound as though you have a lot of resentment towards each other, and your problems sound so numerous that if I was in your shoes I wouldn't even know where to start working on them.

Olive, I would make plans to leave. But take other people's advice here about custody. If it came to a choice between my kids and a miserable marriage, I wouldn't want to lose my kids. Why do you think he would get custody, anyway?

 

 

If I were to leave him it would mean moving in with my mother or a friend. I think he would be granted custody until I have a way to support myself, a car and a place to live. And since he is not from here I feel he would leave. He always talks about how much happier we would be in his hometown. \

 

I would be starting from scratch. I lived on my own before I met him. But all of my things have slowly been replaced with things he has bought. New dishes, pots and pan, my bed. The only thing I can really walk out of here with is a couch, my clothes, and 2 dressers. I have been trying to save money. But since I have no money coming in it has been impossible. If he does give me money he wants to know where it went and how much is left. If I drive one of the vehicles he yells about me using all the gas so I have to put gas back in that I use.

 

I am really going crazy. He tells me I am the one with the problems and I just need to listen to him.

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You have no money, no interests and no friends (in that you can see them without a row). You can't even use a car without a row.

 

This isn't a relationship, this is a cage.

 

I don't know whether you should leave, but you need to start getting a life of your own - a job and stuff.

 

If it leads to a row, fine. If he hurts you or threatens to leave you and/or the kids then you will know it is time to ditch him.

 

But on the other hand he will tell me I am a great mom, Im a great cook, he couldnt live without me, I'm a great housewife.

 

You are a great housekeeper. Which is what he wants, only you're better because he doesn't have to pay you. (Seriously, see how much housekeepers earn a year. Not shoddy at all.)

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Go.

 

While I was reading I thought for sure I was going to say "stay and get some counselling cause you sound depressed" - but after reading:

a) He doesn't want you to get a job and makes you feel guilty about your desire to work;

b) He doesn't even give you an allowance so you can pursue a hobby;

c) He discourages you from having friends and makes you feel bad about them and attacks your self esteem by suggesting you friends are only there to use you;

d) He doesn't go out with you or like it when you go out.

 

 

.. you are 27 and he is 35..

 

I say go. Even with those kids. He's just so controlling you couldnt possibly be anything but depressed. You need some autonomy. You crave it. You deserve it. Go get it. You have your whole life. You two can be good parents without being together. Definitely don't marry the man. Well done on seeing that!

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I would be starting from scratch. I lived on my own before I met him. But all of my things have slowly been replaced with things he has bought. New dishes, pots and pan, my bed. The only thing I can really walk out of here with is a couch, my clothes, and 2 dressers. I have been trying to save money. But since I have no money coming in it has been impossible. If he does give me money he wants to know where it went and how much is left. If I drive one of the vehicles he yells about me using all the gas so I have to put gas back in that I use.

 

I am really going crazy. He tells me I am the one with the problems and I just need to listen to him.

 

Please .. this is a matter of your life. Don't make these excuses.

You CAN make it on your own. It'll be hard at the beginning but you are so young - you will find your way and you will have time to make a good life by yourself. Don't assume that he will get custody of your kids. Will your parents pay for a lawyer? If so move in with them and get a lawyer.. and then take your time to get yourself on your feet. For instance, if you got custody he'd have to pay child support - so its not like you'd be stuck with no money at all. Also remember you (because you stayed at home) are the primary carer of those very young kids. Their age and your status as primary carer thus far will strongly be factors in your favour to getting custody.

 

Don't make these excuses. Just do it. It's your life and you only get this one chance at it.

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No one can tell you if you should stay or go, but we sure can comfort and support you here with whatever decision you choose.

First I'm not making excuses for him,,,But I'm wondering if he doesn't want you to go out, have friends, hobbies, etc...because he feel like you don't show him that you love him anymore..Was he always controlling or did this just come about?

 

Having said that, you MUST have things in your life-hobbies, friends, etc...that add to your life and help bring you happiness. You are slowly killing your own person to neglect that. If you stay, I'd require him to start marriage counseling with you. Tell him you love him, but for you to be happy, a god wife, god mom, you need things to get better between both of you-not just for your sake, but for his too-eg: he wants you to be more affectionate and stuff.

 

If he doesn't want to do this, then Id go. And believe me-you can do it!!! I never thought I could but after 6 months of crying and healing, I've decided that my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.

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OMG i am there along with you Olive!!! I am also in a similar situation with my husband (we too arent married but have been together for 8 years) except I have my own job. But let me tell you it is still hard to leave. We have been through so much and now I realize that I may still love him and care about him, but I am not in love because he seems to lack what I expect in a man. He has also been abusive emotionally and physically. He has cheated and I have cheated. It is a never ending list. I guess the main reason why I am still here is because I dont want to hurt him or my daughter. The times I have tried to leave he has been so lonely and miserable!! He has even had accidents at work......He controls me even when Im not with him!.......I know this is probably not much help, but its good to know you are not alone.....

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Have the two of you tried marriage counseling? He does sound controlling, but it also sounds like he has been willing to do a lot to try to make you happy, including changing his job and moving where you wanted to live. So he's clearly not indifferent to your happiness, and he might be willing to work with you on making things better if the alternative is divorce and a broken home for your children.

 

If you do want out, though, don't feel that you are entitled to nothing. Half of what the two of you accumulated during the marriage belongs to you. Marriage is a partnership. Yes, he's been the one earning the salary, but you have been taking care of the home and children all this time. You have stayed out of the job market at his request, sacrificing your own earning power and putting a huge gap in your resume.

 

I also would not suggest that you just walk out without a plan. Start looking for a job, and schedule an appointment with a divorce lawyer. You need to do this in a careful and deliberate way.

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Olive,

You need to see a lawyer, most will consult initially for free. In most states, you will be entitled to half of what was accumulated while you were together and will probably find you are in what is called a "common law marriage". Also, many states actually lean largely toward the mother in child custody. Just look at the statistics here, most divorces end up with primary custody in the hands of the mother nationally.

 

You need to get away so you can heal and become healthy and strong, feel good about yourself. Unfortunately, it will require work to get there. It is also possible that when faced with your leaving, that your significant other will decide to change. It would have to come from him realizing he is about to lost something that is important to him due to his own actions, not through coercion. Don't count on this, but if he offers to change in the 11th hour, be open minded. Just don't entertain offer after failed offer to change on his part. That would be a clear indication he isn't willing or capable of really changing.

 

good luck on your journey.

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and will probably find you are in what is called a "common law marriage". .

 

Common law marriage is not recognized in very many states.

 

Common law marriage is recognized only in the following states:

 

Alabama

Colorado

District of Columbia

Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)

Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)

Iowa

Kansas

Montana

New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)

Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)

Oklahoma

Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)

Rhode Island

South Carolina

Texas

Utah

 

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