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Homicidal Ideation Becoming Stronger


erebus

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Walking home from work, shopping or just walking around. Suddenly, i feel a surge of energy, sometimes it comes up the spine, sometimes it just starts in my head. My hands instinctively starts cracking their fingers, muscles tenses up, the person next to me explodes in a torrent of carnage and my head is filled with a euphoric feeling, demanding to destroy and kill everything. I control my hands who want nothing more than to crush the nearest person, i almost grab my face to hide the huge grin on my face and i quickly subdue my voice before i start laughing.

It takes a while to shake off the feeling and after a few minutes i return to the status quo, that nothingness, not even depression or sadness, just a state where non-feeling.

 

Once a rare occurrence these sudden impulses have become more frequent over the past years and i feel my controlled disposition towards other people becoming more and more callous and the urge to kill and instill fear is only growing.

 

I'm hoping i could ventilate here a bit to see if anyone can offer any perspectives on what this is.

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i've gone through spells where this is all i think about.. its occurring less and less (at least i'd like to think) over the past few years. but i am going through a small one right now..

i had severe internal issues with my anger, for a large part it was something that i could stop myself from, even if it got to 'mid-knee to the face' action on someone i DID stop. and that was important.

but more importantly it was WHY this would/does happen to me.

When i resolved the issues that were allowing my energy and anger to build these thoughts went away for the most part.

 

same goes with jobs and whatnot.

 

if your problems arent environmental or social, i'd be surprised.

 

my questions that i would pose to you so you can answer yourself are these:

 

is there anyone who is making you feel 'held back' or suffocated?

are you happy with your job and the people you work with?

are you content with both negative and positive aspects of your past?

are you or were you going through a difficult time with friends or family? (death/loss/conflict)

did you recently move to a new area?

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is there anyone who is making you feel 'held back' or suffocated?

 

No.

 

are you happy with your job and the people you work with?

 

I am not happy, but i am not miserable because of it either. I have few feelings towards the place and feel no need to bond with my colleagues in any way.

 

are you content with both negative and positive aspects of your past?

 

What is done is done. I accept the past as it is.

 

are you or were you going through a difficult time with friends or family? (death/loss/conflict)

 

Grandparents died. I remember getting the phone from my mother crying that grandmother had just died. I had to fake a sympathetic expression to avoid an awkward situation. I never really felt anything about their deaths i guess.

 

"Martial arts, for example, is not about violence, but about control, and at the same time you get to get rid of alot of energy."

 

I know, i tried it a few years ago but it only became more passive instead of sudden impulses. I eventually quit as my interest and ambition faded.

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knowing this i vote for simple depression.

 

if you are surfing for an answer that you are something to be feared, that you have a disorder, that you need help immediately, that you are sick, or that you may one day be a serial killer who makes the news, you most likely wont find that here.

 

from what you describe you are no different than a great number of people experiencing the exact same thing.

 

sorry we couldnt help. honestly you are on a rather large boat with the rest of us.

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knowing this i vote for simple depression.

 

if you are surfing for an answer that you are something to be feared, that you have a disorder, that you need help immediately, that you are sick, or that you may one day be a serial killer who makes the news, you most likely wont find that here.

 

from what you describe you are no different than a great number of people experiencing the exact same thing.

 

sorry we couldnt help. honestly you are on a rather large boat with the rest of us.

 

No need to jump to any conclusions. I just have some issues and i would like to know why i have them so that they may be resolved. That's why i wanted peoples perspectives and opinions on it, my reflections simply never gave me any more insight.

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Once a rare occurrence these sudden impulses have become more frequent over the past years and i feel my controlled disposition towards other people becoming more and more callous and the urge to kill and instill fear is only growing.

 

Okay, is there something you think or feel that triggers these feelings or is does it just come out of nothing?

 

How do you feel about having this sudden rush to hurt people?

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knowing this i vote for simple depression.

 

if you are surfing for an answer that you are something to be feared, that you have a disorder, that you need help immediately, that you are sick, or that you may one day be a serial killer who makes the news, you most likely wont find that here.

 

from what you describe you are no different than a great number of people experiencing the exact same thing.

 

sorry we couldnt help. honestly you are on a rather large boat with the rest of us.

 

Nobody can diagnose another on the internet, and your concerns are valid. Lacking emotions and empathy may be frustrating enough, but not wanting to end up facing life from the inside of a prison cell because the wrong person got in your way on any given day is a good enough reason to pursue real medical advice, don't you think?

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I just have some issues and i would like to know why i have them so that they may be resolved. That's why i wanted peoples perspectives and opinions on it, my reflections simply never gave me any more insight.

 

Well, I may have a different perspective on this. But, before I say anything else, I have to say I strongly feel you need professional help.

 

I can't positively say why you feel the way you do but I can say why I think I personally don't feel the way you do. I think that may offer some insight for you.

 

At work, I've felt the desire to understand co-workers the best I can and to work with them as a team. I've gravitated most toward the people who I have something in common with. Some of the best moments of my life have been when I had the opportunity to relate to someone and have them relate to me about something we both like or love.

 

When it comes to shopping, I see the potential of people. There can always be an opportunity around any corner. Just the other day I was food shopping and a man walked up to me pushing his shopping cart, picked up potato salad he had in his cart and all wide-eyed, looked at me and said "have you tried this potato salad? It's so good!" and I said "yep, I was buying that stuff all the time! It really is good!" He informed me that the guy who stocks the shelf works for another store also and he told me when they stock a fresh batch. Nice guy.

 

Another thing that happened to me while shopping is...I was looking for one of those fire starter logs to get a fire burning faster in my outdoor fireplace. I was trying to pick one out but never bought one before. A guy in a suit sees the puzzled look on my face and says while pointing at one "get this one, it works the best. The other ones aren't half as good." I thanked him for giving me a shortcut so I didn't buy the wrong ones myself and waste my time and money.

 

I have a sense of belonging with people and I'd never want to hurt them or strike fear in them. I like to see people happy and I like spending time with them.

 

But, from a more objective point of view -- why hurt people who I like being around? Then, I won't have anyone.

 

When asked about death/loss/conflict with friends or family, you responded saying your grandparents died and you didn't feel much when your mother informed you that your grandmother passed on. Were you close to your grandmother at all?

 

You said you have no attachment to your job. Do you think you'd feel differently in a different job? Happier?

 

I think...if I felt like hurting complete strangers, I wouldn't have the chance to bond with anyone and I'd be a very lonely, isolated person. And for me, that would lead to severe depression.

 

I like spending time with people, laughing with them and joking around (like the way me and my best friends tease each other) and mostly, I like learning new things from them and getting fresh ideas and insights. We have fun and we help each other.

 

And again, I think you need professional help with this.

 

Hope I did manage to offer a new perspective though since that's what you asked for.

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I strongly think that the OP needs to get some professional help and see a doctor besides to test hormone levels.

It is not mainstream behavior to want to strike out and kill people while smiling and laughing about it.

I hope that you have not hurt anyone yet and that you will seek some help so that you don't.

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Okay, is there something you think or feel that triggers these feelings or is does it just come out of nothing?

 

How do you feel about having this sudden rush to hurt people?

 

That's the problem, it's euphoric. It feels great.

 

 

"I hope that you have not hurt anyone yet and that you will seek some help so that you don't."

 

I did once, i gave in to it for just a few seconds but it was enough. Some foreign guy at my school two or so years ago was drunk on a party, i was pretty sober so i cant blame the alcohol, he was boasting and irritating people like he usually did. He started pissing me off as well and he suddenly slapped me of all things so i flew into him in one of those fits and pummeled his face, completely high on the feeling. I got pulled off by some guys i was with.

I think it was more of an adrenalin surge that started it though instead of a sudden impulse, but it was that same euphoric feeling.

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i still dont see anything really alarming. the 'euphoria' you probably felt when you hit the guy who was irritating and eventually HIT you FIRST, is likely just adrenaline that everyone gets when they get into a physical altercation.

 

OP, take up kickboxing or mma. its not as placid as karate and releases alot of energy, (sometimes the things that you are describing just result from a build up of energy) plus its fun, and you'll be getting an outlet. perhaps you arent getting the outlet you need in life. i encourage you to seek it out.

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