Jump to content

Recommended Posts

OK, here we go. I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post in, nor am I sure what I want from this. I think I'm struggling to work out whether I really did give it my all.

 

Basic story is that I started going out with my bf when we left university, 6 years ago, when we were both 21. We're now 27. We spent the first 2 years as long distance as I did more study at another university and he stayed on to study further where we'd met. After 2 years, I finished studying and had to decide where to get a job. I decided I'd get a job in the town he was in so we could be closer. He told me not to bother as he'd probably leave there anyway once he'd finished his studies in 2 or 3 years. But I felt that it was a positive move and thought one of us had to show a bit of commitment. So I got a job there and moved. We lived separately in the same town for the next 18 months, although we ended up spending our whole time at each other's houses anyway. So he was finishing up his studies and planning to get a job so we decided I'd give up my house, move in with him and his housemates for a while, and then we'd get a place together. 3 weeks later he decided he wasn't sure whether he loved me and split up with me (I've later found out this was because of a so-called emotional affair with some girl). So I had to move out again and stay with friends.

 

He spent the next 5 months messing me around while he couldn't work out whether it was over. I hung on. Then eventually he decided he wanted to start seeing me again. I agreed and thought it'd be ok this time, he'd had his wobble and we'd be ok. We continued to live apart.

 

Things got to being pretty good; we both had good jobs now. He wasn't enjoying his work but I tried to be as supportive as possible and encouraged him to change career, which meant moving to the big city for work. He asked me if I'd consider getting a job in the big city too, and I gladly said yes as it was the next logical step for my career too.

 

So he got a job last June and then declared he was going to move to the big city. I asked him if that meant with me, as I was looking for jobs there, and he said no, he wanted to live alone for a while and see what it was like (as he's always had housemates before). I told him that was fine as long as he lived alone in the town we were living in at present and not in the city, as I didn't want to go long distance. I also said it was fine for him to move to the city and take me with him, and I'd commute (2 hours) back to the town I was working in. But he was adamant he wanted to live alone and in the city. I told him to make up his mind as to what was least important: me, living alone or living in the city. And if I was least important (i.e. if he decided to live alone and in the city), then we were splitting up.

 

Of course, then he just went ahead and found somewhere to live in the city, except he had a 2 month gap in between leases on places. I pretty much backed down on my threat of leaving him, as I loved him and believed it could work. I told him he could move in with me for a couple of months, which he did. In the meantime I started working in the city too.

 

About that time he claimed he never wants kids or to settle down. I told him that eventually I would leave him then, as I did want that. He just laughed and said, na you'll never leave me. I suppose I brought this on myself by always going back to him.

 

Then I helped him move to his new place, and it really hurt. We were in the ridiculous situation where I was commuting for 2 hours a day and spending more than I could afford to do so, while he lived in the city. He told me I could come and stay whenever I liked, but I thought that was a poor substitute for living with me. That was the point I made the decision. I told him I was stopping putting him first from now on as he was unable to put me first. I found myself somewhere to live in the city, an hour away from where he lived and told him that I was going to develop my own social life there. Which is precisely what I did. I started going out with work people and having a great time. In the meantime, he's a complete workaholic anyway and so we didn't see each other during the week, and we started to inevitably drift apart.

 

Fast forward a couple of months and I met someone else, someone who I liked and treated me well. I ended up cheating on the bf, which I'm not proud of. He found out after about a month and after another 5 or so weeks of torture where we both tried to work out what we wanted, he decided he didn't want anything more to do with me, which obviously completely breaks me.

 

Thing is, he's really made me the bad guy in this. He's saying he picked the place he moved to with the idea that I could move in next year (7 years into our relationship!). But then if that was the place for 'us', surely we should have chosen it together? He's bad mouthed me to everybody. He's told me I've ruined everything, and he thought we'd have another 60 years together, and that of course if getting married and having kids was important to me, of course he'd have done it. Now I'm left feeling confused. Maybe I just threw everything away because he wasn't quite ready to commit. Perhaps if I'd have been a little bit more patient, everything would have come good. Or, is it as how I had been feeling, that really, him moving away was the straw that broke the camel's back, and eventually everybody has a breaking point. I just don't know. And I feel awful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You made a mistake...cheating wasn't right but it happened for a reason...He IS part of that reason and it should have shown him that you have been missing something with him. It happened - you cannot change that now but you can deeply apologize to him and tell him that you do love him and that it was a mistake and that you want to be with him. It is his choice. If you do so and he decides he can't be with you - you have to accept and to move on. PWe all make mistakes - it is not about NOT doing them since it is part of living/learning but acting right AFTER you made one. Don't feel bad - try to make up for what you did and WHY you did that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you consider that the two of you had formed after all those years nothing more than a breakup waiting (and waiting) to happen, then why torture yourself for expediting the thing?

 

You gave him the perfect out, and he's taken you up the opportunity to play martyr full tilt. That doesn't mean you need to buy into it.

 

Breakups don't have to be about making either person into a villain. Just because he's opted for that route, why follow?

 

We never get back any spent time. You gave him years of the best you knew how, and it landed you little more than an arms length degree of closeness with him. Why should that be enough for you? Move forward toward what you're now free to pursue. The baggage is old. You get to decide when you're bored of it.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, this breakup looks like it was a long-time coming. You were wrong to cheat before ending it, but your relationship with your BF doesn't sound healthy anyway - you were basically a doormat for him.

 

Take time for yourself and move on. Learn from you mistakes - both the cheating and bending over backwards for someone who was not meeting you halfway. In a healthy relationship, people care about each other enough to compromise on things - I don't see a single example of this occurring between the two of you, it was always you changing your life around to fit his needs.

 

Others are right - you gave him the perfect out to play the victim by cheating, and that is something you'll just have to accept, because you messed up there, but it's time for both of you to move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[...Great points...]

 

Others are right - you gave him the perfect out to play the victim by cheating, and that is something you'll just have to accept, because you messed up there, but it's time for both of you to move on.

 

Really good post; just want to raise a challenge for you, OP. Sure, you can buy into what you're ex is promoting, the idea that 'you' messed up. But did you, really?

 

He 'got away' with cheating before, so by hanging you out to be stoned, he gets to paint himself as a saint without any need to go there. But that's kind of beside the point.

 

How did he find out you cheated?

 

If you told him, then you really need to look at why.

 

You can decide that you've messed up, or you can see exactly what you were doing. It could turn out to be the most necessary move you were capable of making at the time. Sure, maybe not ideal, but it got you to the right place. In time, I think you'll recognize that. Be kind to yourself.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Coldplayfan, you did more than enough.

 

Your "cheating" I wouldn't even call as cheating, it probably was a very needed for you chunk of fresh air. Your ex bf used it to justify his desire to free himself from you. I met this type before - they do not mind accepting support and help and live off that, but they become impossible difficult when it is up to them to give something back. He had no real points to break up with you: you were too understanding, too undemanding, too eager to support his comfort. Now he finally has one. I would even see it as your last gift to him, your last support, you gave him something that he needed. It is a good time to stop delivering for him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You DID ALL THE WORK IN THE RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! Seriously, you bent over backwards for this guy and he basically kept you at an arms length. The "cheating" aside, you did way more work than he did and you were very persistent on making this relationship work while he kept flip flopping on you. In relationships, there should always be a balance so that both partners don't feel as if they are being taken advantage of and both people have to put in the effort in order for things to work out. I know you tried really hard till the end but I don't really think he did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks guys, puts things in perspective. I just need to take a little time to myself for a while. You're all right, there was no balance in this relationship.

 

Catfeeder, no I didn't tell him, he checked my emails and found out. It's odd, I got into the situation where I was seeing someone else, didn't quite know how I'd got there, and didn't quite know how to get out of the situation I'd found myself in. You don't think of consequences, at least not consciously.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[...] Catfeeder, no I didn't tell him, he checked my emails and found out. It's odd, I got into the situation where I was seeing someone else, didn't quite know how I'd got there, and didn't quite know how to get out of the situation I'd found myself in. You don't think of consequences, at least not consciously.

 

You're right, and this is why I hope you'll find it in yourself to be kind to yourself.

 

You knew what you were doing--on some level, and that's not an indictment. While I would agree with any argument that it's best to break one relationship before dabbling in another, that's not useful to one who's already gone there. So look at why you went there.

 

You don't really need others to point out the deficiencies in the relationship from which you strayed. Sure, it might be comforting to gain agreement, but you already knew what you knew. So don't beat yourself up now--it got you to where you needed to go. A round-about way, true--but perfection is over-rated. The outcome is what you needed, so embrace it. And don't let anyone berate you for it. Learning is a process, and nobody can take your future away from you unless you let them. That decision is a conscious one.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...