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Letting your ex know that you are getting help


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What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What...
What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What To Do?

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My ex and I have been broken up for 2 months now but live together. She is with someone else and last night I got angry and threw some of her stuff. I have never done this before. About a month ago we started to get back together but she was still with the other guy and I got jealous.

 

I have decided to go into therapy and my therapist told me to leave a note for my ex today saying that I am sorry about last night and that I will be starting therapy because I have some things I need to work on.

 

Is this just going to push her farther away?

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I don't recommend it, and I'm not at all sure why your therapist would. She is your past now, especially considering that she is with someone else. And if you throw yourself at an ex's feet in this way, just know that it's too be walked on. Anything you say to her that strikes her pity chord isn't going to be a positive. It will definitely push her away.

 

She may feel sorry for you enough to say, "Well, I hope it works out. You need it", but to give a dumper even more power and control then they already have just isn't smart on any level. Not to mention that you are unlikely to hear anything back from her that might remotely resemble something satisfying.

 

You should be going to therapy for yourself and not for your ex. And in that way, she need not be directly involved in this process even if she is fair part of the conversation.

 

The caveat here is that I'm some shmoe on the internet while your therapist gets paid to make these decisions. Still, I have a fair amount of shrinks who are my friends, and some of them are straight loco. You wonder how they were ever given a license considering how bad some of their own relationships ended up.

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A family friend of ours is a therapist and he said most therapists are on the edge of being "crazy" themselves.

 

Op, this will just make her pity you. You dont want this...trust me. If you ignore the fact shes with someone else (appear too that is) and be happy for her.....she might come back to you.

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A family friend of ours is a therapist and he said most therapists are on the edge of being "crazy" themselves.

 

Op, this will just make her pity you. You dont want this...trust me. If you ignore the fact shes with someone else (appear too that is) and be happy for her.....she might come back to you.

 

I'm thinking of two therapists I know in particular, but especially this one man. His name was Paul. He was in therapy himself when he was courting his girlfriend who he couldn't kiss for some reason.

 

"So, my therapist says that I should kiss you, and then monitor the feelings that I get, and then write them down. So, for the sake of our relationship, I think I should kiss you. Is that ok?"

 

How romantic!! What girl wouldn't jump at the chance to kiss him after an offer like that? Yes, therapists. They are just people too, and there isn't anything particularly uber about most of them in relation to the general population.

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I think your therapist told you to do this because you have made attempts at getting back together that aren't working out.

 

The fact that she's seeing other people should tell you the chances of reconciling are very low, if at all. This way you have communicated exactly where you stand and she can make her decisions based on the accuracy of the information you have provided.

 

The note will make a clear and honest statement of where you're at and that you need to take the time to work on you so you can have a healthy relationship with whomever you choose in the future, be it her or someone else.

 

It's not about power or having control or saving face or reconciling. It's about doing what you need to do for your personal happiness.

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I think your therapist told you to do this because you have made attempts at getting back together that aren't working out.

 

The fact that she's seeing other people should tell you the chances of reconciling are very low, if at all. This way you have communicated exactly where you stand and she can make her decisions based on the accuracy of the information you have provided.

 

The note will make a clear and honest statement of where you're at and that you need to take the time to work on you so you can have a healthy relationship with whomever you choose in the future, be it her or someone else.

 

It's not about power or having control or saving face or reconciling. It's about doing what you need to do for your personal happiness.

 

I agree with this way of looking at it.

Therapy is definitely a good step for you. It seems like you would benefit from having someone to talk to about everything you're going through who can hopefully give you some impartial advice.

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Well, I'm not going for her but for myself and yes it is in hopes to get her back eventually.

 

Sorry, I missed this. Your therapist (IMHO) ought to have picked you up on this and helped you to see that therapy can only be about yourself. You talk of 'pushing her further away' - how much further away than 'going out with other people' can she be?

 

Whereas you now have the choice and the opportunity to do some work on yourself (which everyone needs to do at times) and that's good. It doesn't, however, concern your Ex...

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I'm guessing there isn't, but is there definitely no way one of you couldn't move out?

 

I can't even begin to imagine how painful this must be for you.

 

I was just wondering why this hasn't been addressed. If you believe that remaining in the same home will somehow get her back, you're not considering that the opposite is more likely true.

 

Note or no note, the incident would not have occurred if you were living elsewhere. Even a rented room somewhere would do wonders for your self respect--and her respect for you.

 

In your corner.

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It happened because I freaked out. I wasn't thinking and I'm sure right now she is telling her new guy about it. Damn I messed up! I told her that I was very sorry and she said she wasn't sure about me now. That it's gonna take a long time for us to work it out...if she really even means taht.

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She ALREADY wasn't sure about you. Unless this going out with other guys is some weird role play you are both into, she is SEEING OTHER MEN.

 

Yes, I know because I did alot of stupid things. I had issues...but I wonder why she stayed with me for as long as she did.

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Am I alone in thinking I wouldn't want a therapist who told me what to do, or is it different in the States?

 

Mental health counselors are not supposed to tell you what to do. They are trained to make you think through your own situations, and find your own solutions (from what I know). They really aren't even supposed to give advice, I don't think.

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