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What to do about the other girl?


runwim

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Hi all,

 

For the past four months I've been meeting with a guy named Evan, and things have been going amazingly well. The chemistry is out of this world and we're both very attracted to each other, we have a lot of common interests and a lot to share with one another, and have really hit it off with each other's family and friends. We've both seriously discussed taking things to the relationship level, but, of course, as luck will have it, there is a problem.

 

Evan has a female friend whom he was seeing for about a year before we met. Things were always unclear between them and never evolved into a real relationship, though there was some sexual contact. Even though things between them died off a while ago and they haven't spoken for some time, this girl is still waiting and expecting Evan to give her an answer about whether or not he wants to be with her. He still hasn't told her about me because he's afraid of upsetting her and losing her friendship.

 

Evan and I discussed this issue today, and he told me that he would like to meet with this girl and tell her the truth about our blossoming relationship, but that he would like to remain good friends with her because she's still a very special person in his life. Evan's best friend once told me that Evan is a very loyal guy but a terrible sentimentalist, and that one of his biggest problems is that he always tries to stay on good terms with ex-girlfriends and keep everybody happy when sometimes it just isn't possible.

 

I don't know whether or not it's my place or too soon for me to dictate what he should or shouldn't do, but I don't feel very comfortable about my prospective boyfriend going out alone with a girl he used to have feelings for and fooled around with while I sit at home and suck it up.

 

What should I do? Am I being unfair, or would it be reasonable to say that his continued contact with this girl is a bad idea?

 

Any advice would be helpful!

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Let him deal with her however he wants since trying to control his actions in any way is a terrible precedent to set (assuming it doesn't push him away entirely). You could probably manage a "Good luck getting things sorted!" without being too intrusive.

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They havent spoken in some time but she's still waiting? you sure about that?

 

This is what he claims. He told me that one day in May she got very angry with him and told him that until he tells her what he wants from her, she doesn't want to be on speaking terms with him. He's just been stalling ever since because he's so afraid of hurting her.

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Well the sooner this gets straighten out the better. Let him deal with it anyway he wants to, but this can't keep lingering.....he has to be upfront and honest with her and you have to make sure he tells her the truth.

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I dated a woman who had the same thing going on. He even admitted that they 'never really broke up''. It turned into a mess that eventually caused me to walk. It would have saved everyone a lot of heartache if this 'ex' wasn't around.

 

You need to resolve this immediately. I wouldn't make ultimatums, but you need to decide whether you want this kind of wishy-washy attitude towards breaking up with someone as part of your own relationship.

What purpose is served by this other woman being in the picture? It can only create problems.

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There is not so much you can do, we can not control other people behavior.

 

However what would be interesting for me is to know what kind of "relationship" led to the point when the girl becomes so mad that refuses to talk until he says what he wants from her. He procrastinates to do so, at the same time gets involved with you (hopefully it is not like a medicine from the unfinished business) and now he is stuck. I think you do not know everything: what is exactly was going on between him and her and what his true feelings were.

 

At the same time what seems unusual, this guy didn't communicate with her for quite a while, and seemed to be fine with that, so why does he need her friendship? Why she is so special? What does she give to him that other people do not? I would ponder these questions

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I think you should trust your intuition. I may be entirely wrong, but I have a feeling that he doesn't want to let her go, and would like to hang on to both of you, until he decides what he wants.

 

I may be wrong, but trust your "inner voice" on this.

 

I think this answer is the real winner and indicative of what's going on. The first order of business is to decide on your relationship status. Four months is plenty of time to decide on whether or not you both want to be exclusive. Then you can clearly express your feelings - what you do and do not feel comfortable with AND expectations for a healthy relationship. I agree that you cannot control anyone, but at the same time you must establish boundaries early.

 

One poster spoke of being in a wishy washy situation. If you set your limits early, you can help prevent that from happening. Best.

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I also had an ex who kept in close contact with his last ex-gf. Turns out they indeed had something "more" going on and got caught (by me).

 

Set your boundaries. It's not healthy to have this girl be around your boyfriend. If he really cares, he should have let her go in an instant to have a better chance with you. Seems like he wants to have two woman to work with is my opinion.

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Why Does He Want To See You In A Bi...
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