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So Frustrated!

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I need advice and support!


I am so frustrated because my husband is really not stepping up in our relationship and it's seriously affecting my energy, my libido, and my desire to even be around him.


He is messy, doesn't contribute to the upkeep of the house (cleaning, groceries, maintenance, etc.) except to clean his dishes and get food for himself, and says he can only make one change at a time because he has ADD.


I'm busy ALL the time because I'm working extra to keep us from falling deeper into debt than we already are.


He gets mad because I'm so tired and stressed about money that I don't want to have sex. He's kind of set up this double bind where if I ask him to step up in all of the ways I need him to I'm being insensitive to his ADD, but if I take the burden of all of the responsibilities of the household, then I don't have any energy left for sex.


Has anyone ever run into anything like this before? Any advice. I'm desperate. And exhausted.

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We are in therapy together and making some progress, but he says he can only make, like one change every three months.


How does he pull such randomness out of his butt?


Why didn't he say 6 months? would have been smarter.


Try something to this affect.


If he cleans something, fixes something, whatever, he gets sex X often.


If he cleans all the dishes once a week, he is not getting sex more than once a week.


If he cleans the dishes and does 2 loads of laundry he can have sex 2 times a week.


I dont know how you work or anything, the numbers are just for an example.

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I think putting a price list on sex is demeaning to both partners. It is also controlling and manipulative.


Using it to get your own way is also a mistake and to say " don't have enough energy for sex because you haven't done the dishes" is never going to convince anyone unless you cease all other activity requiring energy - that would include work-outs, unnecessary shopping, activities with friends etc.


Using sex as a weapon or a bargaining chip is never a good idea. You may gain a temporary advantage of getting some of what you want but you corrode the relationship, destroy intimacy and reduce sex to a commodity.


Find a better way of getting him to help.

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Wow, I've never heard the "I can't do housework, I have ADD" excuse before! Does your therapist agree that he can only make one change every 3 months? Because that sounds...fishy to me.


If does genuinely have ADD, though, maybe it would help to get things very organized & tasks broken down into very small components so that he can complete them in little chunks of time that fit his distracted attention span? For example, maybe he has trouble staying on task to clean the whole bathroom, but he could clean the toilet or the mirror. Or you could both agree that at a set time each day--say, after dinner--you'll set a timer and you'll both work together on cleaning/straightening up ONE room for 15 or 20 minutes. Anybody can stay on task that long.


A predictable routine and small, easy-to-accomplish tasks can help even a toddler do simple cleanup, and a toddler's attention span is pretty similar to somebody with ADD.

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