Jump to content

Are butterflies and sparks important in the beggining?


Faithfully
Going Too Fast In a Relationship? B...
Going Too Fast In a Relationship? Break!

Recommended Posts

I am engaged to my middle school sweetheart. We are now in our early twenties just finishing up college. I am getting doubts because I never dated anyone else. It never really bothered me until I started to have a HUGE crush on this guy that I work with. He also was in a relationship like me but not engaged. I started to have feelings that I never experienced with my fiance. My fiance never made me have butterflies. I never enjoyed being intimate(sex) with him and I always thought that it was just normal for women. But I feel that I want to be intimate with other guys and now I feel just annoyed by my fiance. I love him so much though. He is my best friend and we have been together for nine years!! I care so much about him and don't want to hurt him. I already tried breaking up with him 7 months ago but he cried and wouldn't let me go. He told me I was making a mistake and that no one elso could ever love me the way he does. This shattered my heart and then I gave in to him. But after that (now being about 5 months) I am still feeling doubts again. DO butterflies and passion really need to be in a relationship? Or is our friendship, honesty, and love enough?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The part that struck me the most was he was your middle school sweetheart! You did a lot of growing from then to now, and as an early twenty's woman, you will do more growing. I would say the intimacy thing also stuck out as a bad sign.

 

Just FYI: I got butterflies the day I met my fiancee and I still get them when he smiles at me certain ways.

 

My answer: Yes, butterflies and passion especially are necessary for a good relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well in the beginning a relationship has a lot of butterflies/passion in it. What keeps the relationship together is the friendship, honesty and love. I think you're walking a dangerous line of grass is greener syndrome. It's a tough one b/c I personally think it's good to experience multiple partners but you don't seem to have a bad relationship. You're just bored. Can't you guys spice it up somehow?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well in the beginning a relationship has a lot of butterflies/passion in it. What keeps the relationship together is the friendship, honesty and love. I think you're walking a dangerous line of grass is greener syndrome. It's a tough one b/c I personally think it's good to experience multiple partners but you don't seem to have a bad relationship. You're just bored. Can't you guys spice it up somehow?

 

Good points.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well I was happy with him but that was before I discovered butterflies and passionate feelings. I know that sparks go away after sometime but I at least want to feel them in start and look back and smile. Instead I look back and see how I said yes when he asked me out in middle school because i felt bad for him.. (i didn't even think he was cute) Its weird how I just grew on him I guess...he was the only friend I had at the time and I didn't want to lose a friend. (I was new at the school) Now I feel that I am missing out on how intimacy should really feel in the beggining. But i feel that my heart would shatter if I lost him..for now I am just holding on and hoping that these feelings will pass. However its been 7 months..good thing there is no wedding date.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also, I have tried to learn ways to spice things up but everything that I find is about bringing BACK the sparks and not CREATING them if they never existed. I just wish those feelings would come naturally for me when I am with my fiance because he is such a good guy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also, I have tried to learn ways to spice things up but everything that I find is about bringing BACK the sparks and not CREATING them if they never existed. I just wish those feelings would come naturally for me when I am with my fiance because he is such a good guy.

 

I think you may need to let him go. The person you are today is so much different than who you were in middle school. We evolve and our needs change. You still have a lot of growing to do as a person. I hate to say it but things may continue to deteriorate for you. If you do it, do it right. Tell him the truth. He may just thank you down the road if he meets someone better for him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that the kind of butterflies that come from the initial insecurity "ooh I wonder if he likes me/if he'll call" etc of course fade once you're more securely a couple. And the passionate feelings may or may not fade but they probably change in some way once you get to know each other. For me what feels right is either feeling the spark or feeling secure that even if I don't feel the spark at the moment, we know it's there and that we can re-spark fairly easily, whether that's accomplished with a kiss, laughing over a private joke, the way our eyes meet, or simply a romantic memory.

 

Also consider that it's not that the spark is missing that is triggering these doubts but that you're realizing that you've never played the field, never tested a crush by going on a date with your crush or similar and you're realizing that you feel like you're missing out. Even if you felt a spark with your fiancee, you might still be vulnerable to this crush because you've only had one real boyfriend. For some that is more than enough -- you can have a very happy marriage with your first love, your first boyfriend - and for others it is not.

 

Also realize that what seems so very exciting about this crush or the potential to take it further in reality might not be exciting at all and that the risk of losing your fiancee might not be worth the benefit. Definitely agree with the grass is greener problem, I just can relate to the fact that with little experience under your belt you might need to sample the grass before settling down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have tried explaining to him that maybe dating other people would be a good idea but he is insecure and I honestly think that he believes I am the only women that finds him attractive. He is shy and not as outgoing as I. We are different. I like to go out and meet new people..he is a smalltown guy that has his small group of friends. He is also very clingy. I feel that I can't go out with my friends with out him calling me like 5 times. I know he just worries about me and he wants me to be safe. But I just want freedom but I just wish he could see things my way. I don't want to loose our friendship..I am scared that I would never have a close relationship with another man..I hear that a lot of men cheat as well.. and that scares me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can't you guys spice it up somehow?

 

Yes, by separating and trying out other people.

 

I think you should have butterflies and some excitement at the beginning, however, i see what others have said in relation to the "grass is greener" syndrome.

 

Wouldn't a simple solution be to request some time apart so you can date other guys and see what it's like?

 

Also, don't think it's a good idea to go out with someone out of sympathy. You already sound a bit stifled, and he needs to realize he is a great guy independent of reinforcement from you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is a terrible idea to stay with someone because of negative generalizations about "men" - all relationships require risks/leaps of faith - you are risking by staying with him feeling discontented, and you are risking by leaving him not meeting someone else to be in a relationship with or meeting someone who doesn't treat you properly. But I can promise you that when you're feeling discontented with your partner thinking "oh but another man might cheat" or similar will not resolve your discontent. You have to choose someone from a positive perspective "I am sure there are many other people out there who would make a good match for me and are good people but I want you and I choose you". Because you'll meet that exception - that man that is a good man, who you are attracted to, who seems attracted to you - and you will have a hard time resisting the urge to be with that man if your relationship is not very solid.

 

I would not ask him for permission to date other people. Either you break up and date other people or you ask him for time apart - 2-3 months - where you don't speak other than if it's an utter life and death emergency and where you don't date other people - so you can see if you miss him and if so, how much - you need a few months apart to know this because at first you will miss him a lot and you won't be able to tell if it's him or just how used you are to having a relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...