Jump to content

My confession.


Megg23

Recommended Posts

For a good part of last year I was an escort, a call girl, a hooker, a prostitute, doesn't really matter what you want to call it. I sold my body by the hour. I'm not a drug addict and I didn't come from a broken home. I'm your girl next door that was just trying to make her way through college. I was wined and dined and made more Money in a night then I did in 3 weeks at my day job. I also was treated like a hooker, and made to feel less than dirt. I'm used to being used. I'm numbed from feeling anything, I was taught to play the part the client wanted. I was acting and I lost a part of myself while I was busy being someone else. I was forced to do things I would never do and touch people I couldn't stand. I faked intimacy, and I faked it well. I've been off the job for 6 months now, and I find myself still faking intimacy. I know what all men want and I know how to convincingly give it to them. I slept with hundreds of guys. I feel dirty all the time. I met an amazing man (he is the reason I quit) and I'm afraid if he ever found out the truth about me that he would no longer love me. This is a secret I have that I will carry with me my entire life, and take it straight to the grave with me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Even though you've been off the job 6 months, I would recommend that you continue to get tested for STD's and HIV on a regular basis. And use protection if you're with your new man.

 

Even though you say you are from a good home and have a good background, I'm sure there is something in your past or current life that may make you feel devalued and that your self worth was undermined. It would be worth talking to a professional about. Even if you're okay with your upbringing, you've indicated that perhaps you need some help dealing with your immediate past so that you can have a bright future.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well if you plan to keep it a secret then you have to find a way to deal with it internally. Maybe you need to engage a counsellor to help you put that stage of your life into proper context.

Yes, I was about to post something very similar.

 

Think of it this way - you were acting a part. Now you get to live in reality. Just like some actors get overly consumed by a role and find it affects them off-stage you have been overly consumed by the role you were playing. Separate the two things out in your mind and look at who you really are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My first concern is that you have been tested?

 

This is a tuff one. If you do tell him, he very well may not stay with you. So I would keep this one to yourself. Your SO doesnt have to know everything about your past.

You were prob faking intimacy to withdraw yourself from the situation? If so, you have to find a way to reconnect yourself intimately with him. There are counselors who specialize in this. I think talking to someone will help you a great deal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I always used protection when I was working (and I know that it's not 100% effective) and I have been tested for everything you could ever think of, and I will continue to get tested regularly for a while to make sure nothing pops up lol ( although unlikely at this point, again I know that it is possible). I was lucky to get out of the business before being seriously injured or catching anything.

 

I was seeing a therapist for about 6 months and just recently stopped. I'm starting to think that I may need to go back because I'm clearly not past all of this. But then a part of me thinks what's the point? No matter how much therapy I get I doubt I'll ever be past all of this.

 

Even though I do think being honest is the best thing for my relationship, this is the man I plan on spending my life with, I just don't know if I can do it. He's a good man, and he deserved better than me, I know that. He's understanding but I couldn't live with the rejection if he decided he couldn't love someone like me any longer. And even if he accepted

me, he could never look at me the same way. Some days I look in the mirror and am discusted with what I see, I would be crushed if he started to look at me that way too.

 

 

And even though I'm not a drug addict and didn't come from a broken home, you are correct in that I didn't always have a stable life. I delt with abuse, molestation and rape throughout my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was going to ask that but didnt want to be too direct. Most women in the sex industry are victims of abuse.

 

Have you tried a casual conversation about prostitution and how he would feel if someone he dated was one? Just to feel him out?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK- Listen up cos this is important.

 

You speak of your 'confession'. That implies that you somehow sinned and have done wrong. Try to get out of that mind-set because it won't serve you.

 

The only person that you may have wronged is yourself because your choices damaged you and only you. So the only forgiveness you require is from yourself.

 

Take this burden off your shoulders - it doesn't belong there, not least because it is a self-imposed burden. Let it go.

 

The only reason - the only reason - to look at past mistakes or bad judgment is to learn from them so that you don't make them again. Once you have done that then stop looking back - because you cannot alter the past, you can only alter the path you are on now.

 

Let the guilt, the 'sin' and the past go. And, before you say you can't - yes, you can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...