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Hi,

Let me run a few things by you and please let me know what you think. I have a few ideas running through my head, on what I should do, but I am looking for others' insights to help me with my decision.

My gf and I have been "exclusive" for about six months now, two of which, we have been living together.

Two weeks ago, she, out of the blue, said that our sex life is boring and that she has always thought it was boring, but did not want to say anything. She also mentioned that she does not like the whole romance, passion, cuddling, etc about sex. She wants it done and over with. Kind of like "wham bam, thank you m'am" and then she gets up and does something else, or falls asleep.

I jumped on our laptop late last week to check my e-mail real quick. I saw that her Hotmail account was still up, as she did not log off. I was moving the cursor to the "sign out" link and I noticed a subject line that caught my attention. I opened the e-mail and it was from her ex-bf. It said things like, "I know I am not easy to get along with ... you hate me ... I want you to be my partner, I want you to be my girlfriend ... drop all of your plans for tonight and have dinner with me ... " After reading this, I had all kinds of emotions running through me. I do not know who this guy is, and I read a few other e-mails that she sent to him, in the past, before we met. She sent him messages like, "you are my drug of choice ... I love you like no other ... I love to be held in your arms .... ".

I have also noticed that she has changed her Blackberry Messenger profile name (that she has had for six months) from something cute that only I would understand to just her name. She has also changed her Facebook profile picture from a picture of us, from our beach vacation, to an old picture of just her. I was messing with her cell phone the same day, and I noticed that she added him to her Blackberry Messenger contact listing. And, I have seen instances where he has sent her a BlackBerry message, but it did not make sense to me.

When I asked her about the Blackberry profile name and the Facebook picture, she said that she just wanted a change and would eventually change them back.

I also asked her, "do you know a guy named ... ?" She said, "no".

Since then, I have been paranoid. I do not know her Hotmail password, so I cannot monitor her e-mails, but I look at her phone now and then and I see that she is definitely "cleaning up" after herself by deleting all text messages, Blackberry conversations, phone records, etc. Where before, she kept everything, and nothing was every deleted.

She has also become very distant and very short tempered, kind of very agitated lately.

 

I think that I know what is going on, but I feel that I do not have enough concrete "proof". We are in our late 30s and I am not sure if I should confront her about this just yet, as we have come so far.

 

What do you think?

 

Please pass along your opinions and suggestions.

 

Thanks!

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I opened the e-mail and it was from her ex-bf. It said things like, "I know I am not easy to get along with ... you hate me ... I want you to be my partner, I want you to be my girlfriend ... drop all of your plans for tonight and have dinner with me ... "

 

Since you went to all the trouble of snooping, did you read what she actually replied to him? This is from HIM to HER. It doesn't mean she's done anything wrong, necessarily.

 

I read a few other e-mails that she sent to him, in the past, before we met. She sent him messages like, "you are my drug of choice ... I love you like no other ... I love to be held in your arms .... ".

 

The bolded part says it all. She was single, she was free to say what she wanted to whomever she wanted. Unless you've seen evidence that she's done that since your relationship began, don't panic over it.

 

When I asked her about the Blackberry profile name and the Facebook picture, she said that she just wanted a change

 

I recently changed my FB pic from one of me and my boyfriend to one of just me. And really, it was honestly for a "change." I'm the most faithful girlfriend you'd ever meet. I just like to change my picture up (goes for screen names and stuff too).

 

I think that the whole sex conversation made you a bit paranoid. Having said that, you really DO need to address the sex issue. Find out exactly what it is that would make sex "exciting" for her again, and go from there. If she continues to want to get it over with quickly, then maybe it is something more than just an issue about sex, and you'll need to communicate with her to resolve it. But start by seeing what you can do to spice things up and make her excited about sex with you.

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And the reason you haven't left yet and found a new place to live is why?

 

 

Seriously, I'll try to be polite. Have some backbone. You're girlfriend, if she isn't already doing this guy, is going to soon. She's cheating. She's lying. She's deceiving.

 

Your relationship is over. There is no going back at all with this one. Dump her immediately.

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Just earlier to today I wrote an article about cheating. But the way she’s behaving and he being secretive about it and lying is the concrete proof sweetheart. If it was something harmless or something taken out of context then she would have nothing to feel the need to erase, you know what I mean? But from the sounds it, she’s cheating.

 

I honestly would move on and stop wasting my time. I mean, I’d first try and talk to her about her and tell her the truth and ask her why she’s being so distant, and if she’s happy…then lead into the more nosey questions as in. Why did you lie about knowing so and so…? I’d be sure to mention that I wasn’t mad, but was curious. If she get’s angry and cause you nosey and whatever else she can come up with, you can reply to her that you only cared about ya’lls relationship and were concerned, then ask her could she really blame you for the secretive behavior and lying? –May seem harsh. But it seems nowadays people don’t like to admit the truth unless the evidence is smack down right in front of them.

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Hi,

Thanks for your comments! Keep 'em coming.

From what I saw, she has not replied to the e-mail that he sent.

As to why I have not moved out yet ... it is my house, she left her apartment to move in with me.

I think that my fear is actually getting the b*lls to sit her down and confront her about this. What if it is nothing? But, based on what I have seen, her actions, etc, I am not sure it is nothing.

She has not gone out on her own with this guy, yet. So far, from what I can tell, it is just e-mails, phone calls, Blackberry messages, etc. I think that is another reason for my hesitancy, it is not "physical" yet.

Does that make sense?

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I'm curious as to how you know "before" she didn't clean up after herself as far as messages go, and now she suddenly is. Have you always snooped through her phone? She didn't reply to his email. The one you saw that she DID send was sent before you even knew her. I think it was easy for you to conclude that her boredom with your sex life was due to her cheating, when that's not always the only reason for suddenly admitting you hate your sex life. I know from personal experience it IS possible to be bored with it, but afraid to talk about it...and I have never cheated in my life.

 

If you're that worried about it, you need to talk to her.

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Buddy,

 

I completely understand your dilema since it twice happened to me. The first one was about 10 years ago and the one happened three years later. They both seemed passionless about our relationship and they were about my age. I decided to hire a private investigator and discovered they were still in love with ex's. The evidence showed me that the only reason they wanted to stay with me was due to the financial security I gave them and their children. There was commitment and intimacy but no passion.

 

You said she is in her late 30's. Does she have kids? Does she like your financial situation? Why does she even have a FB account at her age? Well, she should be mature enough to not play games so I suggest you confront her on her suspect acts and demand total transparency in the relationship. If she refuses out of spite or because she is hiding something then walk away.

 

The funny thing is that I now have a female friend that is in a live in relationship that contacts me all the time to tell me how much she wants me. Her SO is unaware that she has a thing for me even though I refuse her advances. I've told her that it is chickencrap to play these games behind his back; yet, she will not quit calling, texting or emailing me. Please do not be that guy that is totally unaware of the unloving girlfriend.

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Nope, no kids. Actually, she is unable to have kids.

My financial situation is quite stable. I will never have problems, in that way.

 

Yes, I do know many "older" people that have FB profiles as well.

 

True, she has not replied to that e-mail yet, but by adding this guy to her Blackberry Messenger contact listing, I am sure that she is in contact with him that way, as I have seen him send messages. (A message came in, from him, as I was "snooping") Also, I am sure that she calls him. Do I have proof ... no, not exactly, other than the suspicions that are raised as I see that all of her call logs, message logs, etc have been deleted, daily.

How do I know this? Prior snooping? Yes, and she, in the past, let me use her phone, as I was in between contracts. If I pick up her phone now, just to play around with her, she gets all defensive. There have even been instances where she has hidden her phone from me.

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Sorry, but when a SO starts behaving the way your's is, there is usually something going on...and it usually "ain't good".

 

Trust your gut...it won't steer you wrong. Mine never has.

 

Good luck. God Bless.

 

Oh...and welcome to eNA!

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i would definitely question her about it. maybe it's just circumstance and looks really bad. i have exs in my phone, but i don't message them when i'm exclusive with someone else out of respect. i cannot prevent them from sending me something, but i don't reply.

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