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My Boyfriend Left me for his Ex-Wife


whatnow44
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
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My boyfriend has been divorced for 2-1/2 years. He has a three year old daughter but he and his ex-wife have not spoken to each other for three years. I think he always wanted her back, but she was bitter and angry. Well, about a month ago, she started calling him out of the blue just to talk. He couldn't believe it. She would call him every night and talk for about a half an hour. Then she started coming to town with their daughter, her mother and sister. They were coming here to go to a church. She started inviting my boyfriend to go with them. He told me he was going because of his daughter. His ex lives in another city about 300 miles away. Now she has started coming to town every other weekend. It's the same thing. She wants him to go to church and out to eat, etc.

 

Well this past weekend when she came to town, she told him she wanted them to get back together. So on Monday, he said he had something to tell me and he just said he was going to be too busy to see me anymore and that he would be going to their city to see them a lot and just would not have time to spend with me anymore. I was devastated. His mother told me that his ex-wife wanted them to get back together. They got married after knowing each other just two weeks and they were married for about a month before they broke up.

 

He came to my house and picked up all his things and never even said good bye! Just walked out.

 

Does anyone have any comments. I am just sick. We were getting along so well before she started calling him.

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he never got over her.

so when she wanted him back he went back.

thats a risk you took when you got involved really. i sympathize with you on this i really do.

somepeople just arent meant for you to have. let it go, go no contact and try to heal from this.

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I agree with EQD, he simply never got over his Ex-Wife and as soon as she wanted him, he came running back to him. Just don’t allow yourself to be there if/when it doesn’t work out again. That’s the issue with dating someone who isn’t over an ex. You were used a rebound- and by him still feeling attached to her and seeing her all that time… he only got closer to her again. (Despite being with you, he wanted her). He didn’t deserve you, and doesn’t know what he lost. You deserve someone who is going to be there for you and not run back to someone who left them once before. –Just go strictly NC and let him fall out of your life for good.

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Stay in no contact.

 

If you read some of the messages on the infidelity forum, you may find some relief from your anguish because it appears your boyfriend was straight-up with you about what he was doing. In a lot of cases, people have their heart dragged through the mud while one partner struggles with indecision about what to do.

 

It may not help you right now, but in the future you're going to look back and be thankful that it all ended so clean and abruptly. Kind of like pulling a bandaid off.

 

It's probably hard not to be selfish at the moment, because you are very hurt, but if you are at all able, think that the 3 year old will be the one benefiting the most from their reconciliation.

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My comment: They will never last. They will probably be broken up in short order, but either way they will be broken up. The ex doesn't even know him anymore. She dumped him before so she'll probably dump him again. Likely, her most recent relationship failed, so she decided to seek shelter in her ex in this situation... and then he came running.

 

All of it is a recipe for disaster.

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Hi Mary Lee,

 

I went back to an earlier thread you'd started because I was curious about how long you'd been with this guy. I read your thread from a couple of months ago about how this guy had been almost certainly cheating on you with another woman after moving out of your house. You work with his mother. I assume this is the same guy?

 

If so, the writing has been on the wall for a while, even if you didn't realize he was going to leave you for his ex-wife. He clearly wasn't committed to being with you. I'm sorry that you're going through this, it must be very painful and his treatment of you is inexcusable.

 

But a crisis can be an opportunity, and I think it would be a pity if you didn't take advantage of this opportunity to see that you were kidding yourself about this guy, at least for a last several months, and maybe longer. I know you really cared about him, but why were you blinding yourself to pretty clear and strong evidence that he was edging toward the door?

 

One take-away lesson from this might be to beware of guys who clearly have unfinished business from a previous relationship, especially if that previous relationship carries with it unavoidable ties that guarantee future interaction. Regardless of the short duration of their marriage or how long they knew each other before getting married, this guy has a child with his ex-wife. It's pretty crazy that they hadn't talked to each other in 2 1/2 years when they are parents to a small child. Amazing, really, and obviously not something that could continue over the long run. Chances were quite good that at some point they'd have to reach some kind of rapprochement, and who knows what feelings/issues would be reconstituted between them when that process finally got underway.

 

These days most adults have romantic histories, and maybe a little bit of baggage. But you need to be able to tell the difference between a little bit of relatively harmless baggage and the kind of unfinished business that will come back to haunt you sooner or later. It also sounds like you need to get a bit more realistic about what constitutes deal-breaker behavior in a relationship -- this guy was pretty clearly cheating on you with another woman a few months ago, yet somehow you let that slide so that here you are, shocked anew by his latest, hopefully final, bad act. Based on what I read in your earlier thread, you should have dumped him a long time ago.

 

But I am very sorry that you're hurting and in shock right now. Try to make some weekend plans that involve good friends or family, people that you know love and care about you. It'll get better, especially if you make sure you let go of the idea of getting back together with him. This guy has treated you very, very poorly.

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They got married after knowing each other just two weeks and they were married for about a month before they broke up.

This is hard to follow. They've been divorced for 2 1/2 years, and they were only actually together for six or seven weeks, but they still have a three-year-old daughter? I understand that there was an (unstated) period of separation between the breakup and the legal divorce, but that's a strange time line nonetheless.

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Brownstone 322, they knew each other for two weeks, they got married and she got pregnant immediately. A month after they were married, he had to go to rehab for almost a year. During that time she had him served with divorce papers in rehab and had the baby by herself and he hardly ever saw the child after he got out of rehab and that was by supervised visitation only.

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uhohlala, yes I should have dumped him a long time ago. I did try to get rid of him and I stopped working for his mother to get away from it all, but he begged and begged and I thought I would try again. Well it was a bad idea.

 

I just don't see it lasting with his ex, but I am through with him.

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I am not trying to be rude at all but....it almost sounds as if you were allowing him to reconnect with his ex so you could get rid of him. And hey, if that's true well ok. It worked. But I really don't see how you could be surprised that this happened.

 

You've already been suspicious of him cheating. You've tried to get rid of him. You let him spend what sounds like significant time with his ex (alone?). Correct me if I am wrong, but most people who want to avoid situations like this usually don't allow their boyfriends to reconnect like this with an ex. Not to the level described here. If my bf is talking to an ex I'd be very nervous but trusting. But if they started having long phone conversations and then started seeing each other a lot? No way Jose. And it doesn't sound like it was just him visiting his daughter either.

 

It really sounds like you let it all happen. But nonetheless, I'm sorry. Now you can move on.

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Sunnidee, I did not allow this to happen at all. The whole time he visited with his ex, he was with her mother, his ex's sister, his daughter and his mother. His ex hardly ever let him see his daughter and I could not be the one to tell him he can't visit his daughter!

 

As far as the phone calls go, he said he wanted to be nice to his ex so he could see his daughter. I couldn't be a * * * * * and say no you cannot talk to her. I talk to my ex on the phone too, that doesn't mean I want to get back with him.

 

Also, I have no control over his phone calls as he has no control over my phone calls. Who could possibly do that?

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As far as the phone calls go, he said he wanted to be nice to his ex so he could see his daughter. I couldn't be a [beyotch?] and say no you cannot talk to her. I talk to my ex on the phone too, that doesn't mean I want to get back with him.

 

Also, I have no control over his phone calls as he has no control over my phone calls. Who could possibly do that?

You're correct on those counts. Behaving like control freak wouldn't have worked anyway.

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