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Ex might want to get back together, but I've been dating someone else, I need advice...


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I posted this in the wrong section of the forum and I only got one response. I figure this is probably the right section to post it in, so here goes:

 

I've been seeing this one girl for almost a month now...it's nothing serious, we have just been seeing each other casually. I really like her a lot, and enjoy spending time with her. However, I'm still in love with my ex and I'm not over her.

 

My ex of 5 years and I split up last April. And we've both had a lot of time apart to be on our own and mature in our own ways. We have maintained contact through these past 4 months and have seen each other regularly. There are still feelings there. Now there is talk on her end of reconcilation but she isn't 100 percent sure.

 

She wants us to date exclusively and see how things go and if we can progress back into a relationship. I was with her for 5 years and I am still in love with her and would love to try again.

 

However, she says she isn't 100 percent sure she wants to jump back into a serious relationship, but at the same time, she doesn't want to see anyone else, she just wants to date me. So this puts me in a weird situation and I am wondering what kind of decision I should make:

 

1. Should I stop seeing this new girl immediately and just focus on dating my ex and seeing how things go??

 

2. Should I keep seeing this new girl due to the fact that my ex is still unsure about reconciliation, and keep seeing her until my ex decides she is 100 percent committed to getting back together?

 

I don't want to tell this new girl I no longer want to see her, only to wait around for a few months and have my ex decide she doesn't want to get back together. On the other hand, I still love my ex and would want to get back together with her. She says she doesn't want us seeing other people, only each other. But since she is not sure, is it really fair for me to just stop seeing other people in hopes of her possibly saying she wants to get back together?

 

Also, I kind of feel like I may be leading this other girl on, since I'm still in love with my ex. I don't want to hurt her feelings if my ex wants to get back together

 

I would love some insight on this situation, thanks!

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Does your ex know that you're seeing someone else? Sometimes it's just a case of her not really wanting you but not wanting anyone else to have you either. Has your ex dated while you are apart?

 

Also, I think that you're not really into this new girl anyway, so I'd advice you to stop seeing her romantically, and make it known to her that you're better off as friends, as you enjoy her company and all. I would also think that you shouldn't yet be 100% exclusive with your ex since she isn't 100% sure she wants to reconcile. I mean it weird, she wants to be exclusive with you, but doesn't 100% want to reconcile? Doesn't make sense there. So I would be really wary about the "doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either" syndrome.

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I think you need to end things with the new girl, regardless of how things work out with your ex. You openly admit that you're still in love with your ex. The new girl doesn't deserve to be your "Plan B." Sure, things are casual with her after only one month, but the longer you let it go on the more she'll get attached to you ... and to find out down the road that you were harboring love for your ex and a wish to get back together with your ex will really hurt.

 

Life and love involve gambles. Right now you're asking the new girl to assume the majority of your risk: if things go well with your ex, you'll (kindly, gently -- of course) end things with the new girl. And of course you can assure yourself right now that things between the two of you are casual, she's not too invested in you. But has she stopped dating other guys? Does she think you two have long-term potential that you're both keen to pursue?

 

The risk should be yours: you want your ex. Let go of the backup plan and pursue your ex. Or walk away from your ex and close that chapter of your life. Make a firm choice.

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That's a tricky one. It'd seem a bit demeaning, to me, to be too eager to drop everything and wait around for your ex to decide if she wants to get back or not. She might subconsciously want to see if she still has a hold over you, for her ego's sake, because that would make her feel special. I don't really know what to advise here. I don't like the way so many ex's seem to try to test the hold they have on the ones they've dumped, only to hurt them again once they've been satisfied that they still have that hold. On the other hand, maybe she's genuine. But it does seem selfish of her to expect you to dump your current g/f, if she's not 100% sure anyway. Either way, it'd be nice for you to let your current g/f know the extent of your commitment (I mean, lack of) to her.

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Well, the thing is, this other girl really isn't my girlfriend officially, we've never talked about that stuff. We have only hung out 5 times in the course of a month and have been intimate with making out and stuff a couple of times. I told her that I like her, and she said she likes me. We aren't officially a couple or anything like that. I really don't know what she is expecting out of it. She is a little over three years younger than me and is going back to college for her senior year at the end of the month. So, honestly, I don't know what to do. I think with the age difference, and her going back to school, it might end anyway, regardless of what happens with my ex.

 

I think I will just be honest with the new girl and tell her that I'm not over my ex, and ask her if she was looking for something serious. If she says she is, I will tell her I can't be in a relationship with her because of my feelings for my ex.

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I don't think you should be dating anyone else while you are still in love with your ex. If you want to try and make things work with your ex, then you should end things with the new girl. It's not fair to have her be the back-up. It may be casual to you, but over time she could get more attached and it'll just hurt even more when it ends later.

 

I am not sure exactly what your ex wants. She says she wants to try now without a 100% promise, but what happens if she decides it's not going to work out? How would you feel? It's tough to go through a heartbreak again. It may be one of those I want what I can't have things, or she's feeling lonely at the moment and knows that you would be willing to take her back. Just be wary of your heart.

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1) Its hard to go back to an ex who isnt sure - personally i wouldnt, because going through another breakup will destroy me.

 

2) you need to realise that an your ex is an ex for a reason - realise that and move on. Who initiated the break up btw?

 

3) With regards to dating this other girl - I would only date someone if and when I was ready to start dating them (i.e if I was over my ex completely) - otherwise its not fair on the other person - especially if she wants to move further into the relationship.

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It's a no brainer. It's over with the ex - she has even TOLD you she isn't ready for another relationship, and here you are dating a woman you really like and are about to throw that away on a woman who doesn't even want a relationship with you.

 

Tell the ex it's over, go NC and focus on your new girl.

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The problem with that is that then he'll constantly compare New Girl to Ex, thinking "I gave up my chance to be with Ex to be with you." Given that we tend to idealize our ex-romantic partners whom we want back anyway, that could be really bad news for the new relationship.

 

I think the plan to tell her you still have feelings for your ex and aren't in a good place to start anything serious is a good one. I did that once in a similar situation, where I didn't know for sure if the ex wanted to get back together but he was hanging around flirting with me and making me feel very confused about things--it was an awkward conversation for sure, but the new guy appreciated knowing what was up and being able to make his own decision about whether he wanted to be involved with me.

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Although I don't know the exact reason your relationship with your ex of 5 years ended, I wouldn't be so eager to jump back into a relationship with her. Think about why you guys broke up, whatever the reason it was. For as long as I've known a Zebra never changes it's stripes. You might walk out on this new girl and back into the arms of your ex and have to deal with a whole new world of problems. I know it's hard, though. But sometimes things do end for a reason.

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