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unending circle--dating/flirting/personal growth


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Background:

 

I just exited a 18 month relationship with my gf about three weeks ago. 9 days before we were going to move from my home state, california, to florida (where i go to school). She did not have much to leave behind, other than a half-ass family. she had no friends and i WAS her life. i knew it wasnt right for a few months, but never had the guts to actually go through with it, telling myself it was just nervous worries. Quite honestly the issue simply was, prior to the relationship i was alone for 2 years, and ended up settling. After the 18 month period, i knew i needed someone who i could intellectually connect with, not just sexually and emotionally. i was done with the easy constant text, constant "i love you", and constantly wanting to hang out and hang all over me. I enjoy physical connection more than most guys i know, but it was too much, and too easy.

 

 

a week after exiting the relationship, a friend of 9 months ( gorgeous, funny, down to earth, and brilliant), confesses to me while drunk( and confirmed the validity of it the next day) that she greatly cares for me.

 

the dots can be connected but moral of the story we begin dating 4 days after the break up. I loved it the entire time, and i greatly cared for her, but something always felt wrong, and as time went on(spanning roughlt 2 weeks), we began have conversations more and more about things that bothered me.

 

she had ALOT of * * * * that she had dealt with the week she admitted her liking of me, primarily because my manic friend believed she was a succubus, or basically just fed on different members of the group of friends to drain them emotionally with malicious intent. RIDICULOUS i know.

 

the drama kept coming up, and more frequently between us, and i realized one night during our talk that i was holding her to alot of the same expectations as my ex. I ended up telling her that i felt immoral to pursue this any further, feeling as if i was treating this as not a new relationship, but a continuation.

 

 

Problem:

 

basically i constantly attract these amazing beautiful smart and interesting girls that i legitamently want to pursue something with, but honestly its only when im in a relationship that i am almost comfortable enough to be this guy. is it a different guy? or just a comfortable me? i want to know if this is somethnig i need to work on as an individual to become more stable and independent, and if thats the case how i would go about it.

 

I have read through a few conversations on facebook we had when i was dating my ex, and im so... enthusiastic, carefree, and engaged i seriously cant relate to how i would ever feel such way now that im single.

 

that is the guy i genuinely wish i was, and the guy that attracts the girls i want to date. but if i dont figure out how to get to it ill just wind up in the same cycle again of dating someone i settle for, then meeting another mrs. compatible and watching her go.

 

definitely need some advice and thanks for the read.

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Well in my opinion there could be two factors, maby you just need 'guy' friends who you can have intelligent conversations with, the woman you are with may not be on the same frequency or topics that you find interesting and as a result you feel intellectually neglected which makes you search for woman with for instance and interest for politics, which are pretty much non-existant.

 

I myself had gotten a Japanese girlfriend because they are more serious and reserved, and not so empty minded and booze pursuading party girls as you see in the western culture trend, i never felt i fit with that.

 

But on the second hand, you maby should just not allow yourself to get so easily unbalanced by the situation. Just be who you want to be and don't let the situation push you into being someone you are not.

 

And maby you are just comfortable in a relationship because you don't feel lonely anymore, which might be that which you lacked when you are not in a relationship and gives you the comfort to be who you want to be when you have someone significant in your life.

 

I think its not something you need to worry about because people are different when they are in a relationship as opposed to being single, you live a different life and you do different things.

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