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The Elusive Female Orgasm: Tips? Please!


JS2009

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Hi,

I am a sexually active woman and have great difficulty coming. This has been a problem in various relationships (with partners who seem to want to help/ try everything they can). I've spoken to a therapist, I've read some of "For Yourself" by Lonnie Barbach and I've bought "Becoming Orgasmic" by Julia Heiman. I just got a vibrator and yes, the clitoral stimulation helps. But I just don't masturbate (it seems like a chore or I do but then get frustrated because I can't seem to get off without a vibrator.)

 

I recently found this book "Thanks for Coming: One Young Woman's Quest for an Orgasm" by Mara Altman and it has been great so far, but really, I KNOW I need to clear my head and let go, I KNOW I need to feel comfortable with my body and my partner, but I'm asking yall for tips/ advice on how you've been successful with coming/ making your woman fly off the bed in pleasure.

 

Seriously, I'm sick of the stressful sexual experiences or my partner asking me "why can't you come?" or "Why did you stop me?" He's sick of hearing "it's just not happening."

 

Help me enjoy sex please (and reach the elusive O O O Orgasm). Thanks in advance.

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How do you feel about watching porn? Having a visual aid while masturbating is a great help. It helped me get off the first time quite accidentally. If not porn, try reading some erotica and really visualize a hot scene in your mind. Get into it and touch what feels best. Maybe have a glass of wine to relax and/or a hot bubble bath.

 

I too have yet to get off with a partner. I know it's some kind of mental block since I have no problem doing it on my own. But you're definitely not alone.

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While I'm a guy and can only experience the female orgasm second hand, the more you focus on not getting it, or being distressed that it isn't happening, or having a mindset that it's difficult to achieve, then you will always have trouble achieving. I guess this is what she was meaning about "letting go and clearing of the head".

 

Honestly, this is the same kind of things with guys who have trouble getting it up, they are too focused on the can't and not focussed enough on just enjoying it.

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Hasn't happened often for me yet. My only problem with it is persuading my man that I'm not worried about it. Sure I'd like it to happen more often but I know it won't while I'm wondering about it. I anticipate becoming more and more orgasmic, so I have that image in my mind, but I'm not worrying about it.

 

However, you sound as though you've rarely given yourself an orgasm..? So I'd say start with yourself probably. Others have given and will give good advice on this.

 

All I can say is, for me there is a place inside my head where I sort of... flip my thoughts inside out... It's like meditation during sex, I suppose! Focus on your breathing, use all the senses except touch - how does he smell, taste, sound, look... then it's like pushing off into water and swimming. Just BE in that moment, just as you let your body float into water that first time you trust it and swim. Any time thoughts of orgasm come into your head, gently dismiss them (without worrying that you've had those thoughts).

 

Don't worry about HIM either - he's fine. Just enjoy the moment-by-moment intimacy, let yourself think how wonderful it is that you are here, now, with this man. Be aware of those deep tingling feelings but let them ebb and flow, don't mind whether they're there or not. Concentrate on communing and being intimate and just - let it happen, or not.

 

And afterwards, hold him close and thank him. Take the focus off what didn't happen, think how lucky you are to have someone it almost happened with. Visualise youself lying there with him after an orgasm. Sooner or later it will happen.

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