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please help before i lose my mind!!!


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ok, this is a bit of a long story, but here goes.

about 9 years ago when i was in college i met this guy (we'll call him "kyle")who was visiting a friend of mine at our school. we hit it off immediately like nothing i have ever experienced before (or ever again). we were attached at the hip all night and this guy at the party even said you could "visibly see our connection". at the end of the party we had an innocent kiss. at this time i was broken up with my on again off again boyfriend. before we were leaving some drama happened with one of my friends and we didn't say goodbye.

i couldn't stop thinking about him so a few days later i asked his friend for his number (so unlike me). we started talking pretty often and had this ridiculous connection. but my ex and i were kind of getting back together and i was really confused, which i let kyle know. so kyle said "i would never want you to be confused for any reason on my account. i'll step down and we can stop talking for a while, i know it will work out eventually". i stupidly got back together with my ex.

every time kyle came up to visit we would hang out... he was a gentleman and nothing ever happened, but still our connection was like nothing i could even begin to explain. we would talk for hours and hours on the phone and never run out of things to say. when i thought about him he'd sense it and call me; when he thought about me, i'd sense it and call him. he even used to call me his soul mate. then he had to go to iraq with the military. i was devastated, but still with my boyfriend and started seeing someone else (he was gone for two years) I was one of the first people he called when he got home and i was so happy to hear from him.

he always used to ask me 'if i was happy' and 'when i was going to be with him'. i was torn once again but remained loyal to my boyfriend. i stopped talking to him for a little while when my boyfriend and i were getting serious. i graduated college and before i left, kyle's friend came to talk to me. "don't lose kyle's number" he said "he really cares alot about you and you're going to want it someday. i just know it". that statement has always haunted me.

a year or so later i had lost touch with all of his friends, so i couldn't even get an email address or anything. i basically accepted that he was out of my life for good when one day my best friend called me to let me know that she started dating a guy from another part of the state. then she said, "i know this is weird, but i think that my new boyfriend is friends with kyle... what's his last name?" so i told her and we confirmed that indeed, kyle and her boyfriend were good friends. she told me that kyle was back in iraq. but he had came into my life in a whole new way... things with my current boyfriend were starting to deteriorate and i missed kyle more than ever.

when kyle got home, my friend and i made a double date with he and her boyfriend. i never even considered the fact that kyle may have a girlfriend by this time. unfortunately he did, but he didn't tell me at the time. we were so giddy to see each other. we ran to each other and he picked me up in a huge bear hug like in the movies..we hung out all night and it was just as wonderful as it always was. we never skipped a beat, we cuddled and kissed and just really enjoyed being together all night. when we got back to my friends house, we ended up having sex. we talked for a while and he told me how much he always liked me and then we went to sleep. when we woke up he was so strange. very quiet and just really not himself. he gave me a kiss on the forehead and left saying he would call me the next day. he never called.

i found out from my friend's boyfriend that he had a girlfriend, but he stil liked me so much (as he always had). he told me that Kyle felt really guilty because the girl he was dating waited for him while he was overseas and that she was a good girl. i called him a week or two later and he never returned my call. i was devasted, but knew he probably felt guilty about having a girlfriend and all... maybe it was easier for him to just never talk to me again? as upset as i was... i know him so well that i never thought he was a jerk or harbored resentment or anything like that. take my word for it, he's a great man.

so i let a sleeping dog lie. i wanted him to do what he needed to do, just like he had let me all of those other times. i always missed him, but i moved on with my life. i officially broke it off with my boyfriend and took two years of "me time" before getting into the relationship i'm currently in. i still always thought of kyle though. then a few weeks ago i had a dream about him and couldn't shake it. i suddenly became overwhelmed with this awful feeling that we really are supposed to be together and started panicking. so i started doing some research and found out that he's married! just 3 months ago... i don't even know if it's the same girl he was with before or not. i am so devasted and depressed i don't know what to do. i know in my heart we are soulmates and should be together... it's so hard for me to think that it was all in my head and he never really was...what do i do?

i don't have his cell number (i changed mine a few years ago and lost all the numbers) all i have is his parent's number. i don't have an email address for him and he's not on myspace or facebook. i wish i could just send him a casual email, but that's not an option...

also, maybe he didn't enjoy sleeping with me and just figured "that's it?" and ran back to his girlfriend... the thought that 9 years of all of this amounted to nothing really upsets to me a level i can't even explain...i also dont even know if the girl he's married to is the girl he was with when we slept together. if it's not, that's even more devastating because it means that he didn't even think of me when he was single.

i feel so much regret for not getting with this wonderful man when i had a chance...why is this happening and what can i do??? i'm so depressed...

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I dont think you feel depressed that you didnt take the chance when you had it... You say many times throughout this posting that you had a connection as if it was meant for you to be together. If that is the case than DONT WORRY... YOU WILL! If it is a new girl than you may have to accept the fact that maybe this guy isnt the guy for you. I think that you should focus on your new relationship. Although you probably wont forget him... You should lay off him. He did give you the time you needed, so maybe this is your waiting time.

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Thanks alot for your advice... I feel like talking about this makes me feel at least a little better

Sometimes I feel confident that we are meant to be and it WILL be... and maybe I needed the kick in the pants of having him in a relationship to REALLY understand my feelings. But then I get all scared that maybe it won't work out. People are forced to live with broken hearts every day...

Also, although he always told me how he felt about me and that we were "soul mates" maybe it's not true anymore (for him). I REALLY felt that way (but didn't say it like he did). I'm so confused.

Plus, it's not JUST a girl, he's married!

Lastly, I feel like I'd like to get in touch with him platonically just so we can keep contact. I miss having him in my life, even just as a friend...

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You chimed into my post with a response so I'll happily give you my take on the situation.


I think I myself have experienced this phenomenon. I met this girl who was visiting my roomate and we hi off great and it was pretty much the same thing you described. The difference is that she dated this guy after me and from what I know its a great relationship and they are getting married. But what I realized from all this was that in the end you should always be reasonable and logical and consider different interpretations of things.


I don't want to be mean but honestly, I feel as though your connection with him may have meant more to you than it did to him. More importantly, I think that you glorified him based on the fact that he was not around as much and disappears for long periods of time. When this happens you have the time to completely remake a person. I'm not saying that he wasn't a good guy or that you didn't feel a connection, but what I'm saying is that you should take a step back and think to yourself: Does someone who thinks he's my soulmate go off and marry someone else without even looking back?


I did want to address the sex thing. I think if he's as great a guy as you say he is, then he probably felt guilty about sleeping with you and thats why he didn't return your phone calls.


Sometimes some things just aren't meant to be. If you still believe this was meant to be even though he is married, then you're going to have to wait.



Overall, you seem pretty sure of the entire situation, which means you already know you can't do anything. Just sit back and try to let your uneasiness pass. And with time, it will.

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thanks for your input! i appreciate your honesty, however i was the one who kept "disappearing". i'd tell him i didn't think we should talk anymore because i was confused and stuff. i basically passed him over time and time again but he was always there... until now. i'm not glorifying him, i just know him well and he's a great man. we just had such an honest and open relationship and i miss it. also, he was the one who always said "i know we're going to get married someday" and "we're totally soulmates" and everything...

i know what you mean about going off and marrying someone without looking back, but i can't blame him. he waited around for me for 6 years with no indication that we would ever be together... and then suddenly i'm ready and just expect him to drop everything???

i believe that everything has a purpose. it's just difficult and depressing to think that after we maintained such a great "relationship" over the years it amounts to nothing...

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Whether or not you were the one disappearing, the fact remains that he was always there even after long periods of time when you two didn't speak. Over time, you began to think of him as a sure thing..you thought he'd always be there. The fact that this guy found someone else does not necessarily mean that you were "too late." I think its natural to want something thats always been there, especially when this particular thing suddenly becomes unavailable.


Don't be too harsh on yourself. It might be a little depressing to think about this type of thing being a "missed romance" but in reality you'll never know, so its best to focus on the fact that many people believe there isn't just ONE "soulmate" but multiple soulmates. You'll find another soon enough but only when you eyes and heart and mind are open to it. So don't spend another minute thinking about this, it won't help you.

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