He talks about her a lot

[hannah_k]

Warning/Disclaimer: This post may turn into a rambly piece of nothing. I may be paranoid, but I also realize that people use this forum to get feedback on feelings before making harsh decisions. With all that said, this is what I got:

 

My boyfriend just got a federal job a little over a month ago. He went out of town for a week for orientation and after a month of being in the office, he had to go back out of town for a month for more training. He just got his bachelor's degree in December and I'm about to enter my last year before I graduate from college. Classes don't start until mid-August, so he asked if I wanted to come for a week or two. So, I'm here and we're almost through the first week.

 

When he first got the job, he told me about 6 others in his hiring class. Two girls named "Amy," a guy who's in the National Guard who just got back from Iraq, a couple of weird old guys, and a middle-aged black lady that reminded him of Tyler Perry shows. As a little time went on, I only heard about the National Guard guy and the two Amy's. So I gathered those were the only ones he really related to at work. A few times, he would mention talking to one Amy in particular. I've never met any of these people.

 

Since we've been here, he's talked a lot about that one Amy. The first night we were here, he heard a door close and jumped up to look through the peep hole (we're in a hotel). I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I thought that was one of my co-workers, Amy. I thought I heard her laughing a few minutes ago."

 

And the next day, I find out that "Amy's on the 19th floor"

 

After his first day of class/work, he came home, talking about all the things Amy said we should go do. He said they knew I was here for the first few weeks and everyone was making suggestions. But I only heard about what Amy said she was doing.

 

"Amy said she was going to this. We don't have to, but I thought it might be fun."

 

Our room keeps malfunctioning, the shower sounds like Satan is trying to burrow a hole in the wall and the dishwasher leaked all over the floor (it's a suite since they'll be here for a whole month), so he thought we might want to get another room since we'd be here for so long. I said okay.

 

"We'll probably get on one of the higher floors since those rooms are renovated. Amy moved yesterday. We should be out by noon tomorrow."

 

Yesterday, we were going to grab a bite to eat, and when we got on the elevator, a girl from his hiring class from another city said to another guy from the hiring class said, "Do you have any doubts now?"

 

We talked about how weird it was and dropped it. Then in the middle of dinner, he suddenly declared he knew what the lady was talking about. That the guy she was talking to was trying to "mack on Amy" and that he must have thought that he and Amy were dating because of how they interacted. And he said it really casually.

 

My question is, why would someone just assume two people are dating because they talk? How often she comes up in conversation leads me to believe that she's probably the main one he talks to throughout the day among hundreds of other people. I never hear about conversations with anyone else.

 

The guy thinking that they were dating could probably be explained away by stating that because he was possibly interested, and considering any threat. And all the conversations could be explained by him just trying to find stuff for us to do, and Amy is the closest one to our age.

 

But I know that when I like somebody, I would talk about them a lot before I realized that I was terribly interested. Also, I may be insecure because he's called me by another name twice. Both while sleeping, he called me by his ex's name and more recently, called me by the name of a girl he had a fling with before we dated.

 

And now he's talking a lot about Amy. My current plan of action is to just keep an eye on it and see if she comes up in conversation less. Because I know sometimes my coworkers come up in conversation when I spend a lot of time with them. But it's usually a bunch of them. Not just one.

 

I dunno. Should I be worried?

 

EDIT: I forgot to point out that a mutual friend of ours (has been an acquaintance of mine for some time before we started dating) got a little tipsy one night and told me that my SO used to flirt with other girls while he was with his ex. He said that he never cheated to his knowledge, but that he always seemed like he was looking for something else. I told my SO and he said that he never crossed any solid lines, that his relationship with his ex was not going anywhere but since he had been with her for so long, he was afraid to admit it and he was afraid of being alone. I guess I'm afraid that he might do the same to me. He broke up with his ex about 6 months before we started dating, and they were together for five years. He says he wants to settle down and get married. And I've never really found a reason to not trust him. But I hope he's not going through the same patterns with me.

[mr.mac]

hmmmm you make a good case for something going on with him and Amy and also for it all being your imagination. I don't know. I think asking him if something is going would only cause defensiveness. Plus if nothing is going on then you might be causing a pointless argument. You are in a pickle here! Will Amy be working back in his office when they are done with this training?

[hannah_k]

Yes. They work in the same office. And yeah, I don't want him to think I'm accusing him. I want to trust him.

 

I have to do my work from the laptop this week (I work for the newspaper, layout, editing etc.) so I'm in the room most of the day until he gets back. But I thought maybe I would go to the gym or take and try to catch him around the time that he's coming home. See if they walk back to the hotel together, see them interact, that kind of thing.

[Cognitive_Canine]

"It really bothers me how much you talk about Amy. I understand you are friends but it makes me jealous"

 

If it becomes a fight, it's probably because he's up to no good.

[mr.mac]

Yes. They work in the same office. And yeah, I don't want him to think I'm accusing him. I want to trust him.

 

I have to do my work from the laptop this week (I work for the newspaper, layout, editing etc.) so I'm in the room most of the day until he gets back. But I thought maybe I would go to the gym or take and try to catch him around the time that he's coming home. See if they walk back to the hotel together, see them interact, that kind of thing.

 

I'm glad that you want to trust him. You also need to be sure that your trust is deserved. Has he done anything like this in the past or is this the first time you've had these sort of warning signs?

 

It's not a bad idea to "accidentally" see how they interact as long as it doesn't come accross as spying. Have you met this girl yet? Does she have a significant other staying with her or back home?

[free2Bme]

Perhaps you could suggest that you all go for a night out, say you want to meet his colleagues etc. Then you can see how they interact, and you might feel better if you get to know her a little better.

 

I would be feeling uneasy about it too, but she may turn out to be a nice girl that you can be friends with too.

[hannah_k]

I'm glad that you want to trust him. You also need to be sure that your trust is deserved. Has he done anything like this in the past or is this the first time you've had these sort of warning signs?

 

It's not a bad idea to "accidentally" see how they interact as long as it doesn't come accross as spying. Have you met this girl yet? Does she have a significant other staying with her or back home?

 

He has never done anything like this. He's even become upset with me for continuing conversations with guy friends that he considered disrespectful, saying that he would never cross that line. It was something we encountered early in the relationship. And I have/had a lot of guy friends who made some inappropriate jokes with me. I used to just ignore it, but as our relationship became more serious, I had to draw some new lines in my friendships, especially in regards to guy friends even if I had known them for years and years. I was pretty sure that since he held that ideal in such high regard, I would never have to worry about it from him.

 

I have not met Amy, although I am supposed to some time this weekend. He hasn't mentioned a SO. And we live together.

[hannah_k]

Perhaps you could suggest that you all go for a night out, say you want to meet his colleagues etc. Then you can see how they interact, and you might feel better if you get to know her a little better.

 

I would be feeling uneasy about it too, but she may turn out to be a nice girl that you can be friends with too.

 

That is really what I would like to happen. They may have just related on a few different levels and I would be okay with that. I just haven't had a chance to straighten it all out yet.

[mr.mac]

He has never done anything like this. He's even become upset with me for continuing conversations with guy friends that he considered disrespectful, saying that he would never cross that line. It was something we encountered early in the relationship. And I have/had a lot of guy friends who made some inappropriate jokes with me. I used to just ignore it, but as our relationship became more serious, I had to draw some new lines in my friendships, especially in regards to guy friends even if I had known them for years and years. I was pretty sure that since he held that ideal in such high regard, I would never have to worry about it from him.

 

I have not met Amy, although I am supposed to some time this weekend. He hasn't mentioned a SO. And we live together.

 

And here you are. Weird, huh? Relationships are hard, but I think you are being rational and like someone else above mentioned, a direct approach might not be the worst thing. If you are feeling uneasy after you meet her or after you see them interacting then you definitely should say something.

[hannah_k]

Yeah. I'll observe a little more and ask about it. I may wait until after I meet her. Thanks for all the advice.

[mr.mac]

Keep us posted, please.

[arcadefire]

If you trust him enough that he would not lie to you, you should ask him.

 

However, it seems very odd that he speaks of her so often. Although I don't condone it, I may check to see if he is calling her frequently or even chatting/emailing/texting.

[hannah_k]

We use each other's stuff. He has an iPhone, so I mess around with it a lot. I know some of his passwords to email/social networking site passwords because he's asked me to log in to send/change something for various reasons when he doesn't have access to a computer. I haven't checked his messages or anything, but something tells me he wouldn't be so willing to give me that access if something was up. I never asked for access to those things.

 

I'm almost feeling guilty for wondering this. He treats me with respect and I have no reason to think that he's cheating on me. Yet.

 

It's just the past behavior that our mutual friend drunkenly told me about. When he was with his ex, he used to flirt with other girls, apparently. "Like he was looking for something else," said mutual friend.

 

According to him, his last relationship was destructive and he let it go on for too long. Maybe I'm just insecure, but it seems like the possible beginning stages of something I really don't want to happen. Just the fact that he feels attracted enough to another female to possibly form feelings kind of hurts a little bit.

 

We're all going to dinner tonight. I guess I'll see when we get there.

[mr.mac]

We're all going to dinner tonight. I guess I'll see when we get there.

 

Hopefully it will go well and you'll laugh about this later. Good luck.

[hannah_k]

Ok. So after tonight, I'm definitely going to say that I misread the situation.

 

Amy is slightly older and is short and kind of soccer mom-ish. Really cool girl but definitely not my guy's type judging from the fact that he's with me and his past girlfriends. He likes them tall, brunette, small-waisted, into sports, and able to drink stout beers. She ordered a Coors Light at dinner and they talked like buddies. He also acted very affectionate towards me throughout dinner. And when I met her, she even said, "I've heard a LOT about you." I guess that means he talks a lot about me, too.

 

So, I think I jumped the gun. I feel a lot better and, you're right, mr.mac. I'm definitely laughing at myself now.

[mr.mac]

So, I think I jumped the gun. I feel a lot better and, you're right, mr.mac. I'm definitely laughing at myself now.

 

Excellent! It's easier being teased by me (not that I'm going to tease you) than to have had an unnecessary fight with your guy, isn't it? I'm glad you didn't press him on this issue right from the start and more importantly, I'm glad that this is now a non-issue. Talking things out amongst virtual friends does help once in awhile!

[Cognitive_Canine]

Ok. So after tonight, I'm definitely going to say that I misread the situation.

 

Amy is slightly older and is short and kind of soccer mom-ish. Really cool girl but definitely not my guy's type judging from the fact that he's with me and his past girlfriends. He likes them tall, brunette, small-waisted, into sports, and able to drink stout beers. She ordered a Coors Light at dinner and they talked like buddies. He also acted very affectionate towards me throughout dinner. And when I met her, she even said, "I've heard a LOT about you." I guess that means he talks a lot about me, too.

 

So, I think I jumped the gun. I feel a lot better and, you're right, mr.mac. I'm definitely laughing at myself now.

 

That's good to hear.