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Going Too Fast In a Relationship? B...
Going Too Fast In a Relationship? Break!

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Hi.. I'm new to this thread and I would really appreciate your advice.

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is the first person that I have ever said I love you to. I have been in a lot of short relationships and have always been the one to break them off. I am scared of commitment and I'm not too sure why. I thought that this one would be different, but now I'm starting to doubt that I was wrong.

 

We go to college together, and I knew when we started the LTR this summer, that I was mixed about how it was going to work out. It ended up being much better than expected. I've been able to see him every month and a half and our relationship grew. I met his family and he met mine.

 

Now, it's two weeks before school starts- two weeks before I can see him everyday and I'm starting to doubt everything. I get this feeling in every relationship and I don't know why. I feel like the conversations aren't as interesting and that maybe we weren't as compatible as I at first thought. I don't know what is wrong with me. My friends say this means it's time to end it - others say just wait until I get back to school and everything will be better. I guess I don't know what to do. When I'm with him, everything is great but when I am apart it seems to all change. Please help me because I'm going crazy here.

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Confused 510, I am 40.5 years old and just recently was asking myself a similar question. It seems that your problem might be similar to mine. I went into one special relationship last year and before I've been in many relationships (friendships, love, sex) and every time I would break them and hurt another. When now i found I have feelings for someone absolutely special the last thing I wanted to do is to go my usual way. And at some point it seemed to me exactly as you described: our communication seemed to me pointless, nothing too much to hold on to, and, yes, all of it would happen when we are not together. I was going crazy too.

 

If that sounds familiar, here what I did. I did not break up, though I did have quite a roller coaster of moods. Instead I communicated my problem to my partner the way it was. Then i've taken a few steps back and in my solitude listened to my own feelings. I asked myself what I treasure in this relationship, what I am afraid of... And i figured out that I am afraid to get in the trap, where I am stuck between other person's expectations and my own responsibilities that come with a relationship, when I am not sure yet if this relationship is The Relationship an when I am not sure if I can do a relationship in a proper way. My partner's perspective - relationship is not about responsibilities. That was hard to me to digest and to believe that someone can actually think this way honestly. I am not sure that i do believe it 100% now, but it helped me a little bit to adjust something in me. Then I was thinking about expectations and my fear to fail those... It was also about my fear.

 

So I would not recommend to break up. Take it as the opportunity to investigate yourself at least. As you said that you've been in the number of short relationship and there is a pattern and you do not know what causes this pattern. Take this opportunity to learn about it. If you break this relationship I wish you to break them with the true knowledge why you do it.

 

Each connection to another holds a lot of a potential. It can not be boring. If it seems as boring then it means you deliberately shutting yourself down and then it becomes interesting why you are doing it.

 

Try to answer this: what is your biggest fear in the relationship?

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I forgot to tell you one thing. What I am doing now is to take one day at a time. I am not thinking about RELATIONSHIP. I am just being myself. I am not going crazy in trying to figure out do I really want to be with my partner. If on spur of the moment I offer to spend some time together, we do so. I do not worry about what will happen next. I let it go. And I discover this way much more genuine and good.

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Thanks for your help. I am really trying to just take it one day at a time. Its really hard for me when the doubts are creeping in the back of my mind. Sometimes I guess I just worry that if I'm having doubts, maybe a relationship isn't good in college. I go to a place where not that many people I know are in relationships. Many people see college as a time to meet new people and discover who you are and what you want. I worry that if I get tied up with someone that I'm not a hundred percent on, then I'm going to miss out on that. AT the same time though, I still love him a lot. This is why its been so difficult. Thank you for your help. I'm going to try to figure out why I keep having this happening to me- I guess I just need to discover myself.

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Hey confused510, I don't think what you are feeling is uncommon. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and he works in a job that keeps him away from home about 90% of the time. When we are together we have a lot of fun and conversation is great. But, when we are apart, things can fall into a rut sometimes and seem really boring. It feels like we say the same things over and over again and don't have too much to relate on. It's not all the time. It depends on the day, how much sleep we've gotten, what activities we are involved with, etc. Maybe what I am talking about is completely different...but when I read your post it really struck a cord.

 

You should tell him how you feel and talk about it, but I would not jump the gun and break up before you see how things are when you get back together. I think it is only natural that you will feel some distance when you are not together. That just means you have to be creative and think actively about conversations you will have together when you do talk. Committed relationships do involve some work, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

P.S. Before marriage, I was a HUGE commitment-phobe too. Just be willing to stay around through the hard times and see what comes from you effort. You won't be disappointed...even if you two don't end up happily ever after.

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I asked for a break last night and I almost immediately regretted it. I just thought maybe if I took some time off it would help me figure out where I stood. Now I'm just so hurt and upset. I don't know what to do. I want to get back together and try again but I don't know where to even start. Thanks for all the advice. It's really helping me realize I'm not the only one out there like this!

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