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7 yr relationship now 10 months NC and could use some kind words

Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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So, my (long) story:


Me and (I'll call her V) V, met when we worked together at a book store, about 10 years ago, and quickly became friends, we stayed friendly for about roughly 1-2 years. At about this time it was pretty obvious that we both had feelings for one another so we started dating...


We were together for about 7 years after this, I'm not gonna say that it was always amazing or that we didn't have problems. But we tried to work through them as best as we thought we could and we genuinely loved each other and had great loving times. We broke up a couple of times, ranging from a few hours to a couple of months. But we would get back together each time and promise (among other things) to be more communicative (unfortunately, I've never been very good at that and I don't think I tried hard enough on that end). Also we both seemed to have one issue that bothered each of us. For me it was the fact that she could be kind of a couch potato (I love being active with my SO, and am additionally kinda a fitness freak). Her issue was that I would watch porn and believed that it affected our intimacy. Which we did have issues with and I honestly think it was the result of both of our issues. But we tried our best to work through them.


Fast forward to about May of last year and one day she accused me of looking at porn (I had been having a really long day) and I got upset because I had been putting so much effort into NOT looking at it (due to a previous break up and reconcile when I realized that I did have an addiction to it, and promised her and myself I would do everything I could to beat this addiction and not allow it to control me and affect us anymore) and I overreacted, got really cold with her and ended the call. After that I told myself I wouldn't call until she called back and apologized (Pride before the fall.. I know, I know...).


Unfortunately, when I did hear from her about a month and a half later, it was to let me know that her dog had passed away. So we had a good conversation that night, but when we hung up, niether of us commited to calling the other back again, I think we both expected the other to do it.


So, of course neither one of us did... now fast forward about another month and a half or so later, and I FINALLY decided to put my pride aside and text her to see what she was up to. So, we text back and forth for a couple of days, but she is acting very cold and strange towards me, I even offer to give her a couple old pics of her dog that I had and she told me to throw them away. And that really upset me because she really really loved the little guy. So in one of my final texts to her I got really upset, I don't remember what I said anymore but I do know I felt bad about it and so the next day I wrote her an email apologizing for blowing up at her (through text) and that I really missed her and would like to talk if she wouldn't mind and straighten things out.


So, that afternoon after she talked she called me, I was obviously glad to hear from her. But, early on into the conversation she asked if I had been seeing anyone, and I said something along the lines of "of course not, don't be ridiculous". Of course I thought that was a weird question, but we continued on with our conversation. Throughout the course of us talking I noticed she made numerous references to a "friend" which I thought was a little odd because after being together for 7 years, I thought I pretty much knew all her friends...


So I asked, "are YOU seeing anyone", and by virtue of my post here I'm sure you guys can guess what the answer to that was... So when she told me she had been seeing (and sleeping) with someone for about since just after we spoke about her dogs death, I was in a state of complete and utter shock. So much so that I was actually numb and just continued on with the conversation not knowing what to feel, it was sureal.


I honestly don't even remember much of that conversation because of the way it hit me. But we decided to stay friends and that's how I left it at that moment. But in the coming days the pain started coming to the forefront and I slowly became a wreck. Although we did keep talking, but the weird thing is that she was always the one to initiate contact, I guess without realizing it I was going into a LC mode (this before I had even heard of the term!). However, I was only able to stay in a state of friendship wherre I was able to be in contact for about 2 weeks after that, because soon it was just way too painful to have anything to do with her, so one evening I told her so...


That was a painful conversation, I remember telling how much I loved her and wanted to be with her, but I also wanted her to be happy. So, I told her although she still wanted to be friends I just couldn't compromise, and that it was all (being together) or nothing (any kind of relationship at all) because I couldn't and wouldn't be runner up to her boyfriend.


So that's how we left it and needless to say I was heartbroken, but I threw myself even more into exercising because that tends to numb the pain for me. And I was doing ok for awhile...


But, one Saturday evening, about a month and a half after our conversation while I was doing my exercise routine, I got three separate texts from her over the course of about 2-3 hours. The first was her telling me that she wanted me to know how impoprtant I am to her. The 2nd was her telling me that her and her boyfriend weren't together anymore, and the 3rd was saying it would be nice to hear from me (I only received the 1st one before I began my workout and then the other 2 at the same time when I finished). So reading those things what am I to assume? So I immediately call her and decide to go out for a drive and maybe a bite to eat that night.


So while we're out she tells me all sorts of things that really struck a nerve (in a good way), things like when she would be in bed next to her boyfriend she would think of me among other things... She told me that she thought she had sabotaged her relationship with her guy by looking at his texts and finding some texts to a girl that could have easily been nothing but she made a big deal out of them. She told me about how her parents missed me and how it was getting close to the winter and the cold always made her think of me. She told me so many things that someone with a broken heart would give their soul to hear their SO say.


We finally left it that night with her going home, but saying she just wanted a couple days to give her ex back his stuff and to clear her head.


So, the Sunday morning rolls around and I expect to hear from her (she would always call me and wake me up), but I hear nothing so I go about my routine figuring she's probably stressed and sleeping it off. But by mid-afternoon still nothing so I give her a ring and she picks up. I ask if everythings ok and she says yea, she's just stressed out. So I ask if we're still good and she kind of hesitates but says yea, she just needs that time that she said she wanted. Which I thought was kind of strange because that's not really the way she made it seem the night before, but I just want her to feel better so I say that's cool, we have a little bit more small talk and hang up and I decide to let her be the rest of the day.


So, onto Monday and I call her to see how she's doing. and she sounds better but she tells me that she's not so sure it's going to work out... I was devestated. I pleaded with her, saying how could she say the many things she had if she didn't mean it and felt the way she was saying she did. I honestly don't even remember everything that I said, I think I've repressed some of that conversation because it was so painful. All I know for sure is that I felt like I had been stabbed in the back by my best friend, lover, and person who undoubtedly knew me best in this world.


So in a final bid to win her back, that Friday I wrote her a long heartfelt letter telling her what she means to me, I bought her a bouquet of roses, made her a mix-cd(something I haven't done since high-school =P), and bought a frame for a picture that I had, where we were both happy and smiling in it, wrapped it and on the wrapping, I wrote the word "Happinesss" along with it's definition from Webster's and then wrote "This is what Happiness means to me..."


I dropped this stuff off at her place then texted her to go outside if she wouldn't mind. She calls me back sounding like she had been crying and saying how beautiful everrything was but essentially it changed nothing. Again, Devastated. I told her I deserved to know if she still loved me, because up until then she hadn't wanted to answer that. And I got the typical not in that way anymore response. I don't remember the rest of the conversation although I do remember I felt completely beaten down and broken.


When we hung up I cried for hours and hours. Called friends and told them what had happened (regarding this fact, I only open up to most people in extreme circumstances). I was in hell, I don't honestly know how I survived that time I was so destroyed...


But I did, that and week I started going to therapy for depression. I was prescribed Lexapro for depression and Lunestra to hlp me get to sleep because I wasn't able to sleep at all. Unfortunately, Anti-Depressants take time to work and the Lunestra wasn't strong enough. So my Dr. prescribed stronger doses until finally she said don't bother with is and prescribed Xanax for anxiety because the sleeping pills just weren't doing anything at all.


This was all about 11 months ago now in Sept of '08, I've only spoken to V twice (two consecutive days) the following month in Oct of '08. Basically to tell her that I was working on myself, that I did still love her but it was best if we didn't talk anymore and that I just wanted her to be happy and then I said goodbye.


I haven't heard anything from her since last October, so it's been about 10 months NC.

In ths time I've continued seeing my therapist, and I've done a pretty good job of pulling myself together. But she is on my mind alot and I haven't been able to start dating yet, part of the reason is that almost all of my friends are in serious relationships or married nowadays. =(

But I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't think and miss V on a daily basis. And with this month being a year since I found out that she was with someone else, I am really beginning to have a relapse and can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow.


I've often wondered to myself, if she ever did want to get back together, if I would be able to forgive her and get past what she did, and I don't know if it's pathetic or not, but I honestly think the answer is yes, for I think she is my soulmate...


So that's where I'm at these days, kind of feeling like things are a little stagnant, but much better off than a year ago. But always missing not having V in my life.


And I guess that's my story, I would really appreciate any comments, thoughts, criticisms or even jokes if you've been able to stay with me to the end.


And thank you for taking the time to read this.



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My heart goes out to you Mark. You're still somehow locked into early break up.


I know it is hard but what you need to do is remove yourself from this cycle of pain. You mention that exercise is part of your routine so that's a very good start. Combined in a social setting this works well, so maybe joining some sort of club or gym would reap some positivity and clear your mind for the duration.


Other regular distractions such as work and going out with friends and family are beneficial too. I imagine counsellors are great vessels for pouring out your inner most feelings but you need to combine this release with laughter. Positivity is key and that's what helps you heal. I mean, you can break your positivity down into tiny things but they all have the same effect. i.e. They make you feel good so work on keeping that in mind.


On a deeper level - being positive makes positivity manifest so you will not only be happier but positive things will happen in your world naturally. This is the part of healing I recognize as "now I see why the relationship ended". So many good things will happen that it will all make sense. Your new life will unfold.


It's like your future is to some extent mapped out by your positive actions and willingness to survive.


That's what people call moving on. It takes time, determination, spirit, sweat, tears and something you have a lot of; HEART!


Good luck to you.

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Wow, thats heartbreaking. Both parties are at fault, and its bad when one person just gives up on the other. The problems with communication can be dealt with...maybe you could focus on getting rid of the communication problems and also the porn issues, as a start...

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Dave - As far as belonging to a gym, I've actually been a gym rat for the past 11 years and really enjoy weight lifting. Unfortunately, it's not a "fitness club" it's more of a stright up guys gym. But yea, I may wanna look itno joining LA Fitness or something like that.


And, I actually do try and stay positive. I haven't been too bad at all for the past few months or so. I think it's all bubbling up again because it's now been a year, and truthfully, I think deep in my heart I thought I would have heard from V by this time. And I guess the realization that I haven't along with the anniversary of finding out she was with someone else brought it all back... (sigh)


My problem, I think, is trying to reconcile the fact that we had 7 years together with some amazing times and lots of love, with the way she left...



Gratsy - Yes, we were both definitely at fault, I'm not looking to place blame on her or myself as we both have enough to share.


And my issues with communication and porn are two things that I am and have been working on with my therapist. For, regardless the final outcome of this story (whether it's been decided finally is another issue, because I think most people would say hands down, It's OVER), I refuse to NOT learn anything from my mistakes and will not allow them to affect/destroy any other relationship.


I just wish that I would have thought to see a therapist (by myself or preferably with V) before the breakup. You live and learn I guess...

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I haven't actually had to deal with the anniversary thing before - well, I have but only in shorter term relationships and never really felt anything by that time.


However, the thing is with my recent 5 yr relatonship which my ex fiancee ended a week before christmas, was that we were due to be married in may of this year and yes when the "wedding day" arrived it did stir up some sadness. I mean, we booked the wedding in october but was acting odd even then.


Although, I think i was more angered back in may to the fact that i was moving on and wham it came back which knocked me. she cheated on me and therefore I was unhappy to entertain any thoughts regarding her. We had many great times together and i have so many memories. It wasn't like i proposed for the fun of it either - i truly believed she was the one.


So, I have this and every xmas after to remind me of the hellish one I endured last year but so many steps forward have been taken that the feeling of loss or what could have been will fade. that is what i believe.


if you're still attached to her emotionally, you will think that nobody else will ever measure up, but everyone is so unique and has something to offer and as long as you're out there in circulation then things will work out.

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Okay well, you could start with placing some blame on yourself...that may be part of the root problem...if you want someone, you can't just expect them to be excited about coming back if there was something they were unhappy with in the first place. It means you gotta change to what they want, if you want them back.

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