When your friends know more than your partner

[BusyNAbroad]

I think that - in general - when two people interact with each other, they should [no... are supposed to!] be fully transparent about their intentions towards and expectations from each other. In my personal experience, that is how my most significant friendships came to existence.

 

I also believe that if two people involve themselves romantically, they should feel free to fully disclose themselves to each other - and, even if they don't do it all the time, each should have a right to the others' information, like a shareholder is entitled to all information of the company he invested in.

 

I believe that these are the foundations of an effective and reliable relationship. (Don't you agree?)

 

However, in practice it seems to happen very differently, and I believe that's the cause of so many relationship conflicts, misunderstandings and break ups.

 

In real life, it is often the best friend(s) who knows everything about you, your decisions in romantic life, your true feelings and intentions towards your partner, and, if it happens, the true reason why you want to dump your partner.

 

I am coming to the conclusion that the worth of a relationship depends on how much honest information is exchanged between the partners - and the worst/fake relationships are those that end with one partner not even knowing the true reasons why it ended.

 

I see it every day. For example, yesterday, while I was in a bus, a guy was jokingly reading the text messages in his girlfriends' handphone, in her presence.

She you said you wanted to make a call!"

He but these messages are so interesting, haha!"

She (very angry!) MY phone, give it back to me! You are not entitled to read MY messages..."

 

I have already expressed my views about the whole "it's-not-your-business"-attitude in a previous thread, but in the end this is what I think:

perhaps it is true that LEGALLY everyone should mind their own business, but if two people interact with each other especially ROMANTICALLY then everything these two people do should be each others' business - and the partners should be happy and free to reveal things to each other.

 

Don't you think that if two people truly loved and cared for each other, they should not hide anything from each other - including the reaons why they might start loving someone else?

 

EDIT: the most extreme example is when a cheater claims that his infidelity "is his own business" and not of his wife/girlfriend.

[Ivory_Tower]

Don't you think that if two people truly loved and cared for each other, they should not hide anything from each other - including the reaons why they might start loving someone else?

 

Yes, I agree with the statement 100%. I think the main problem though is that people aren't willing to be this honest sometimes. I would love for this time of honesty to happen in my own relationships. The problem is, when someone is completely open they run the risk of getting hurt. Sometimes relationships will end because two people had very different ideas about their expectations. I know what your thinking---shouldn't they be upfront about those from the get go? Well, yes, but I don't think everyone does that. And then there is always the instance where a persons feelings change about the other person. Perhaps they were honest about being love in the beginning, and then later they have to be honest when they are no longer in love. Thats a very painful thing to do.

 

Friends don't break up with someone because of these issues though. That is why I believe that a solid relationship should be based around a friendship. Sadly though, I think thats very hard to do.

 

Friends know who you are, and accept you anyways!

[DEANRI]

My last relationship I said right from the beginning I wanted honesty and for her to be upfront with me. Unfortunately, as many times as she said she wanted that, she hid so many things from me our fate was decided.

 

It's unfortunate as I just think so many people have insecurities they are really not willing, or don't know how. to show their real selves. Luckily for me, her real self shined when we got into our first argument 6 months into our relationship. The sad part, and which showed me her true colors, was she could be honest with her ex, but not with me.

[SamiJayne]

My partner is my best friend. Hes everything to me. He knows who I am, and oddly loves me for it. lol.

 

I agree with being honest 100% even if its to say your unhappy with the relationship. Or are thinking it isn't working.

 

The more honest you are, the more chances you have of having a successful relationship.

 

But I do think each person has a right to privacy. i.e. phones, just because your dating/married does not give you the right to snoop in to each others things.

 

I wouldn't mind my partner looking at my phone, or rooting in my bag or pc. I really couldn't care less. But he doesn't feel the need to do any of it. He respects my privacy. He knows if I think he needs to know i'll tell him. Otherwise it's something I need to deal on my own.

 

But then my partner knows me so well, I can't even worry about the post man not turning up on time without him knowing somethings up. *sigh* hehe

[_Asti_]

Unfortunately, some people do have things to hide.

And sometimes people do feel they have a right to privacy.

 

For me, I have nothing to hide. I am an open book to my guy, and vice versa, and I think as a result, we just plainly respect each other's things, because there is nothing to hide, or reason to read through.

 

I have read through his phone, not snooping. But he's given me his phone to read a conversation he's had, or whatever. It's never been a breach of trust, or snooping or going behind each other's back to do it.

 

I think the whole cheating isn't your business, isn't right.

It is the other person's business because if its a committed relationship and one person is breaching being committed to one person, sleeping around, having an affair..then yes, it becomes the other person's business because it also affects them.

[hockeyboy]

Yes, we should be honest with our partners. No, claiming ones infidelity is his own business is not okay.

 

With that said, when in a relationship, we are still entitled to our privacy. Emails/text messages/etc are not fair game. I have zero interest in reading my girlfriends because I trust her.

 

She often uses my computer and doesn't log out of her facebook, email, etc. I could easily go thru all of it, but why would I? It's not my right. I trust her. What good can come of that?

 

I'm upfront and honest...but I don't tell her about ENA. This is one of my little vices and it's also a good place to get anonymous advice? Am I obliged to tell her about this site?

 

Regardless of your status...it's good/healthy to have some personal secrets.

[Batya33]

I think this is the typical confusion between honest and openness. I believe that love between two people requires tact and compassion which in turn sometimes requires white lies or withholding information that would be unnecessarily hurtful to the other person and not relevant to the relationship. Such as telling someone he/she looks fat, even if he/she asked and even if that is your internal reaction at the moment. Such as telling your partner you think a certain celebrity is "hot" after you see a movie with that celebrity. From the OP's perspective, if I think or feel it, I am supposed to disclose it to my partner in the name of "honesty". To me that would be oversharing, tactless and selfish especially if it is said to assuage guilty feelings that you found someone else "hot".

 

I believe everyone is entitled to his or her privacy - I don't ask for my partner's password to his email and he doesn't ask for mine - we don't read each other's mail unless the other asks that he/she open it, etc etc.

 

I do want the privacy to confide in my best friend about things that are too embarassing to share with my partner and to vent about my partner when we have argued, knowing that it would not help our relationship to share those annoyances with him and that it will help to vent to my best friend who is on my side, on our side (of the relationship) and who can be trusted not to tell my partner. Obviously all within reason - I think there should be things that are private to the relationship that each couple decides is jointly private - might be about finances, might be about sex, whatever.

 

I think privacy and those kinds of boundaries are important in a relationship and enhance mutual respect.

 

I think many people misuse the term "honesty" to justify being tactless, to justify verbal diarrhea, to be patronizing.

[BusyNAbroad]

In fact, I think that openness and disclosure are even more important than mere honesty. You can be honest without telling the whole story.

 

I think we're talking about two complementary things though:

some are saying that if two partners truly trust each other, there is no need to invade each others privacy and snoop around. I agree with that 100%.

But what I am adding to this is that if two partners truly trust each other and also understand each other, there would be no need for privacy regarding any aspect of our life.

 

Supposing that I am the one who would be lied to, I'd prefer the truth than a white lie, since if my partner needs to tell me a white lie, it means that she assumes I don't understand her - and by telling a white lie takes away the possibility for me to try.

 

I'd rather hear a "You're too fat" or a "You're too dark-skinned" than some invented excuse. Open criticism helps grow and improve ourselves. This may depend on the situation, of course, i.e. there are things we may not be able to change - however, for me it is better to make a decision based on true facts rather than something that might leave me clueless for the rest of my life...

 

"Oversharing", to me, means that a person not only trusts me but is trying to build mutual understanding and feels clear empathy with me.

 

I think that if I got jealous because my partner pointed at some random guy on the road and said, "Oh, I think he's so sexy!" or spoke about a male friend saying, "He truly understands women!", I simply wouldn't be worth staying with.

 

Since recently, whenever I talk to girls, I actually anticipate what they are thinking, e.g. "Wow, isn't that a cool guy!" and they are like "Wow! Yes, you read my mind!" and actually start revealing their feelings to me. I appreciate that more than anything else on this planet!

 

I am not saying that without 100% disclosure and understanding you will never enjoy intimacy... but don't you think empathy and understanding are also important in a long term relationship?

[Batya33]

We have different views about the need for 100% openness even when the openness is unnecesarily (emphasis on unnecessarily) hurtful. We have different beliefs about the effects on a relationship from being as open as you think people should be. I think it's easy to be 100% open because then you never have to think about the other person's feelings, about whether the time is right to share something - you just let it out whenever it strikes you - no filter, no boundaries. To me that's selfish. Constructive criticism is great but it needs to be delivered in the right way, at the right time, so that the other person is ready to hear it in a constructive way. Blurting out "you look fat in that" when your partner is ready to go out for the evening is not productive and is probably counterproductive - but it is technically open and it is full disclousre if that is the reaction that pops into your head when you see your partner. That's just one example of many.

And, no, I'm not going to share with my partner if I noticed an attractive looking guy -- but I might mention it to my best girlfriend if it comes up in conversation. (that's just a hypothetical - these days I don't notice that sort of thing).

 

And I'm not going to mention if I hear from an ex boyfriend who says he wishes we had gotten married way back when. That's because I care about my partner and that information would unnecessarily bother or hurt him because his imagination would go places it shouldn't and my sharing that would create unncessary drama and migiht seem manipulative (which, often, sharing information like that in the name of "honesty" is self-serving).

[BusyNAbroad]

@Batya33

Firstly, we do have different views but I didn't understand what you think about my question on mutual understanding and empathy.

 

Secondly, don't you think it is a bit disrespectful/hasty to decide for yourself how a fully sentient, responsible adult with an independent mind would react to your actions? More specifically, how do you know for sure that a person is not able to transform a negative truth into something constructive by himself?

 

Generally speaking, I always feel a bit disrespected when others make assumptions about how I might feel. It is the same kind of confusion/anger I feel when I ask on a forum "How should I break NC with that ex-girlfriend?" and everyone just blurts out "Don't do that. You will feel hurt. We know.".

 

Anyway, I think that you are against openness when it is done in a spontaneous way - you say that it is "easy" to not think about other peoples' feelings. Whereas I am talking about a more difficult openness: especially at the beginning, when people constantly seek the approval of their partner out of fear that they might ruin the "honeymoon effect" of the relationship, they try to keep everything in a happy-and-lucky mood by pretending there are no problems and consciously ignoring any potential issues (or distracting the partner from them, or lying to them). They fear exposing their own flaws.

 

This is one example, but another situation is when partners have entirely unspoken intentions about the relationship. e.g. one of the partners might say all the time that she will love him forever (and other such promises) while telling all her friends something like, "Ah, I am with him only to get over with my ex-boyfriend. I'll have a bit of sex with him for a few weeks and then friendzone him!"

[melrich]

but if two people interact with each other especially ROMANTICALLY then everything these two people do should be each others' business

 

I disagree. A relationship is not like a shareholding, there is no ownership involved. A relationship is a priviledge, and so is everything within a relationship.

 

So if a partner wants to disclose everything, that is fine. If they don't, that has to be fine too because people do not lose their individual right to privacy and their right to live their own life just because they are in a relationship.

[BusyNAbroad]

So if a partner wants to disclose everything, that is fine. If they don't, that has to be fine too because people do not lose their individual right to privacy and their right to live their own life just because they are in a relationship.

 

I am not discussing about rights and laws here, but what conditions can make a relationship work better in a natural way. e.g. everyone has the right to choose whether to smoke or not, yet we all know that by not smoking one will be healthier...

 

I am merely saying that even if the rights that you are mentioning exist, in a true relationship they should have an inferior priority than mutual understanding and empathy - which IMHO require disclosure.

[Batya33]

Firstly, we do have different views but I didn't understand what you think about my question on mutual understanding and empathy.

 

I disagree that disclosing everything means that you have mutual understanding and empathy.

 

Secondly, don't you think it is a bit disrespectful/hasty to decide for yourself how a fully sentient, responsible adult with an independent mind would react to your actions? More specifically, how do you know for sure that a person is not able to transform a negative truth into something constructive by himself?

 

I don't know for sure, the way no one can know for sure how someone is going to react. I can just decide based on what I know about the person whether what I plan to share will help the person or hurt the person. I don't need to know for sure, I just need to decide based on what I know. My role is not to be my partner's therapist or his boss - or to criticize him in the hopes that that will trigger him to change something or the other about himself. If he asks me for advice or input and I believe that he really wants to hear the information even if it is negative, I will share the information, but i'm not going to simply spew out criticism just because it pops into my head whenever it pops into my head in the name of trying to get him to change (if he needed to change, that is). I don't believe in telling people things they already know - that is disrespectful.

 

Generally speaking, I always feel a bit disrespected when others make assumptions about how I might feel. It is the same kind of confusion/anger I feel when I ask on a forum "How should I break NC with that ex-girlfriend?" and everyone just blurts out "Don't do that. You will feel hurt. We know.".

 

There's a difference between making patronizing statements and deciding, internally, that sharing certain information would be unnecessarily hurtful to your partner. I always understand and respect when my partner tells me "I didn't tell you __ at the time because I knew you had a stressful day and there was no need to increase the stress" That makes me feel cared for. If instead he shared it in the name of being "open" and in wanting to avoid "assumptions' as to how I would react, i would be upset with him that he didn't know me well enough to know when I was already stressed enough.

 

Anyway, I think that you are against openness when it is done in a spontaneous way - you say that it is "easy" to not think about other peoples' feelings. Whereas I am talking about a more difficult openness: especially at the beginning, when people constantly seek the approval of their partner out of fear that they might ruin the "honeymoon effect" of the relationship, they try to keep everything in a happy-and-lucky mood by pretending there are no problems and consciously ignoring any potential issues (or distracting the partner from them, or lying to them). They fear exposing their own flaws.

 

I agree that there needs to be a degree of opennenss in a relationship - depends on many factors in the particular relationship and its stage- we simply disagree on the point that you think that it requres complete transparency at all times. I disagree.

 

This is one example, but another situation is when partners have entirely unspoken intentions about the relationship. e.g. one of the partners might say all the time that she will love him forever (and other such promises) while telling all her friends something like, "Ah, I am with him only to get over with my ex-boyfriend. I'll have a bit of sex with him for a few weeks and then friendzone him!"

 

I agree that couples need to be honest with each other about their intentions for the relationship - the goals - and to make sure they are on the same page as to those intentions. But that doesn't mean that a couple needs to be entirely transparent and have no filter/no privacy as you discuss in your OP.

[Batya33]

I am not discussing about rights and laws here, but what conditions can make a relationship work better in a natural way. e.g. everyone has the right to choose whether to smoke or not, yet we all know that by not smoking one will be healthier...

 

I am merely saying that even if the rights that you are mentioning exist, in a true relationship they should have an inferior priority than mutual understanding and empathy - which IMHO require disclosure.

 

To me mutual understanding and empathy require a degree of tact and compassion which in turn can require withholding information or withholding information until a later time as a way of caring for the person and because you understand the person and their needs.

[melrich]

I am not discussing about rights and laws here, but what conditions can make a relationship work better in a natural way. e.g. everyone has the right to choose whether to smoke or not, yet we all know that by not smoking one will be healthier...

 

Even if that is the point you are trying to make, I disagree. The healthiest relationships I know involve people who have lives and interests outside just the relationship. It's healthy to maintain your individuality in a relationship as well as some mystique.

 

Last thing I would want to be into is some sort of relationship where I am on a guilt trip if I don't spill every secret in my life.

 

Turn off.

 

I am not discussing about rights and laws here, but what conditions can make a relationship work better in a natural way.

 

Well you were. It was you who referred to the right (your italics below) to know as similar to that of a shareholder,

 

each should have a right to the others' information, like a shareholder is entitled to all information of the company he invested in.

[BusyNAbroad]

I disagree that disclosing everything means that you have mutual understanding and empathy.

Do you think that our disagreement may be related to different personality types? e.g. I am extroverted and solution-oriented.

 

If he asks me for advice or input and I believe that he really wants to hear the information even if it is negative, I will share the information, but i'm not going to simply spew out criticism just because it pops into my head whenever it pops into my head in the name of trying to get him to change (if he needed to change, that is). I don't believe in telling people things they already know - that is disrespectful.

I think this is an entirely different situation from those in which I feel there is a lack of openness. I am talking about situations in which you might fear that disclosing something will put you at a strategic disadvantage in your relationship life. Basically, I condemn hiding information for opportunistic reasons (or that might lead to opportunistic results), e.g. not telling that the partner is a rebound boyfriend, not telling that you're with him mainly for money, etc..

 

However, I also believe that if two people care for each other and there is misunderstanding, this should be overcome by sharing the information even if it is negative and not asked for. Again, I am speaking for myself and have an example from my own life: when I was a teenager I had some problems with personal hygiene (excessive perspiration, and the consequent smell) and nobody told me when I was among friends or parties. When my parents told me, I thought they were just being parent-ish as usual. I didn't start worrying until a friend told me into my face that I sweat too much and stink and that's why perhaps people avoided me at parties.

 

you think that it requres complete transparency at all times. I disagree.

OK, I am emphasizing the need for empathy and mutual understanding that is constructive to the relationship. Perhaps I should re-phrase it this way:

There should be no fear of transparency.

 

I agree about having tact and compassion, as long as it is not based on prejudices or false assumptions about the person (which would mean that you don't know him well).

[BusyNAbroad]

The healthiest relationships I know involve people who have lives and interests outside just the relationship. It's healthy to maintain your individuality in a relationship as well as some mystique.

Individuality, yes. Absolutely!

 

But what exactly do you mean by mystique? Do you have some practical examples where you think that you NEED to hide something from your partner? And if you need to, why, precisely?

 

 

Well you were. It was you who referred to the right (your italics below) to know as similar to that of a shareholder,

Ooops anyway, I wonder how any of these "rights" can actually exist. Nobody enforces them except ourselves. So only those we believe in can exist.

[melrich]

Do you have some practical examples where you think that you NEED to hide something from your partner?

 

It's not about hiding. It's about not blurting everything out. I have been with my partner 10 years plus. I still find out new things about her just about every day. I don't want to know everything...then she becomes boring to me. Mystique is about having a few corners of your soul that are inaccessible or at least very hard to access.

 

And additionally, if you are in a relationship where you have to "tell" everything....that is stifling. We all have places within that we are slow to expose or may never expose. That burden of expectation from another person that you must totally expose yourself or you are somehow not fully commited, is frankly, just tiresome.

 

I wonder how any of these "rights" can actually exist.

 

They all exist. An individual has an inalienable right to live the life he or she wants to live (as long as it breaks no laws in which case they forfeit certain rights). No other individual has the right to impose on that. Many think they do but they do not.

 

That is where you need to understand where lines should be drawn. What is your business and what is not.

[ay0_x]

I don't think you should always tell somebody the reasons you're leaving them. Especially if you're leaving them because you want to date someone else.

 

EXAMPLE: I'd been dating a guy for a year. It had always been rocky, we always had problems, but we really enjoyed each other's company. I met someone who I was immensely attracted to, and I thought to myself... "If I'm getting these feelings for someone else, this relationship is not right for me. I have to end this". I ended it, and I told him I'd ended it because I needed to focus on my studies.

 

I could never, even now, years on, tell that guy why I'd ended it with him. He had really bad self esteem, and everyone in his life has basically "given up" on him. I wasn't going to be one more person on that list. The only reason I would have told him, is if I was just being cruel and spiteful and mean. Why would I add to a poor guy's low self esteem? I'd never forgive myself.

 

---

 

I don't think there should be any obligation in a relationship to tell your partner everything. Ideally your partner should be your best friend but this is not always the case.

 

Sometimes the things we tell our friends, especially for women, are not really what we feel. They are things we say in the heat of the moment, when we are angry or upset, that we dont really mean. There is no reason to say these things in front of our partner and cause unnecessary pain.

 

I would not tell my partner if I was attracted to another man but never planned on acting on it. Why the hell would I do that? The only thing it would cause is problems. My partner would feel ugly. He'd feel inadequate. He'd feel suspicious.

 

I would also not tell my partners about my depression or my childhood. This has caused me many problems in the past- because it can be hard for people who've had a normal upbringing to relate. It causes contempt on my part- "You dont understand me!". Do I sometimes wish I COULD tell my partners? Of course I do, but I surruond myself with amazing understanding friends, who I wouldn't trade for the world.

[Batya33]

Melrich said it best and I will comment on something you wrote.

 

"Basically, I condemn hiding information for opportunistic reasons (or that might lead to opportunistic results), e.g. not telling that the partner is a rebound boyfriend, not telling that you're with him mainly for money, etc.."

 

I agree, I also "condemn" sharing information for opportunistic reasons such as sharing that some other person flirted with you or commented on how attractive you are in order to make the other person jealous and then claiming it was shared "in order to be transparent". Or blurting something out because you're too tired/stressed to think about whether it is unnecessarily hurtful so you prioritize venting/unloading over what is in your partner's best interests at that time.

 

I don't think the answer to your issue is to insist on total transparency - it is simply to find someone you trust - and once there is trust, you can trust that the person has your best interests at heart with respect to what she chooses to share (and when) and what she chooses not to share or to delay sharing.

[BusyNAbroad]

It's not about hiding. It's about not blurting everything out.

I agree with this entirely. In fact, most of my post was originally against hiding. Hiding true intentions, hiding doubts and fears, pretending to love someone just for the sake of the relationship, etc.

 

They all exist. An individual has an inalienable right to live the life he or she wants to live (as long as it breaks no laws in which case they forfeit certain rights). No other individual has the right to impose on that. Many think they do but they do not.

 

That is where you need to understand where lines should be drawn. What is your business and what is not.

 

As you may have read in a different topic, I am very skeptical about these, but it is a too complex topic to address here. I think it is highly related to our different cultures and also ethical backgrounds (individualism vs social determinism/collectivism, I have learned that Americans are very individualists). We may resume this in a different discussion about the philosophy of privacy and "business"

[BusyNAbroad]

I agree, I also "condemn" sharing information for opportunistic reasons such as sharing that some other person flirted with you or commented on how attractive you are in order to make the other person jealous and then claiming it was shared "in order to be transparent". Or blurting something out because you're too tired/stressed to think about whether it is unnecessarily hurtful so you prioritize venting/unloading over what is in your partner's best interests at that time.

Agreed, I never condoned the underlined, though in the second case, I'd condone if someone was situationally diplomatic instead of being outright hypocritical (e.g. instead of saying, "Sorry, but in that dress you look really fat!", he could say, "I think you're always hot, but that other dress appeals me even more!")

 

I don't think the answer to your issue is to insist on total transparency - it is simply to find someone you trust - and once there is trust, you can trust that the person has your best interests at heart with respect to what she chooses to share (and when) and what she chooses not to share or to delay sharing.

Trust, and understanding/empathy.

 

Yet even today I re-read in a research that trust is highly correlated to disclosure, i.e. even at the beginning of a relationship, the more information you disclose about yourself, the more there is a chance of developing trust.

[BusyNAbroad]

I don't think you should always tell somebody the reasons you're leaving them. Especially if you're leaving them because you want to date someone else.

 

I ended it, and I told him I'd ended it because I needed to focus on my studies.

 

I could never, even now, years on, tell that guy why I'd ended it with him. He had really bad self esteem, and everyone in his life has basically "given up" on him. I wasn't going to be one more person on that list. The only reason I would have told him, is if I was just being cruel and spiteful and mean. Why would I add to a poor guy's low self esteem? I'd never forgive myself.

 

Let me address this specific example, since I think it happened to me as well - and I was the guy. She told me "I don't know what I want to eat." and some other weird things like "I want to paint the own path of my road" and some strange excuses like that.

 

It was totally clear to me that there were other reasons that she didn't want to tell me.

 

I honestly would have preferred being hurt in my self-esteem so I could improve myself and become a better person, rather than being deceived by such a lame lie.

 

I would personally respect a person more for telling me that she is dumping me for another guy rather than someone who lies to me.

 

I am not your ex-boyfriend, but I am pretty sure that other guys also "read between the lines" and understand very well when someone lies to them.

[Batya33]

Agreed, I never condoned the underlined, though in the second case, I'd condone if someone was situationally diplomatic instead of being outright hypocritical (e.g. instead of saying, "Sorry, but in that dress you look really fat!", he could say, "I think you're always hot, but that other dress appeals me even more!")

 

 

Trust, and understanding/empathy.

 

Yet even today I re-read in a research that trust is highly correlated to disclosure, i.e. even at the beginning of a relationship, the more information you disclose about yourself, the more there is a chance of developing trust.

 

Actually I find that I don't trust people who overshare before getting to know me - it makes me wonder whether they lack discretion in general - whether they overshare other people's personal information too - and it makes me wonder if they are sharing out of neediness or because they truly feel a connection.

 

I used to overshare and be too chatty about personal stuff and I found that when I changed and became more reserved, opening up at a reasonable pace over time (I am referring to both platonic and romantic interactions and relationships) people seemed to trust me more and to open up to me more. That's been true for about the last dozen years or so. Also I feel more special when someone takes his or her time opening up to me because when they do I know it's because they feel a genuine connection, not just because they like to talk about themselves to anyone who will listen or like the drama queen aspect of oversharing.

 

I can relate to most of the specific examples you give - I just don't see much relevance between any of those examples and the extreme positions you took in your original post and subsequent posts insisting that people in a relationship need to be entirely transparent, no filter, no withholding of information even if it is in the form of unsolicited advice and even if the risk of hurting the person far outweighs the benefits of revealing your opinion or sharing (the classic "you look fat" or "wow that guy is hot!" examples come to mind).

 

Interestingly the example you gave is inconsistent with your insistence on being an open book -- tact by the wayside -- because if you tell someone a different outfit looks more appealing, you are not sharing what you think at all - you are simply trying to motivate the person to wear something else without giving the real reason. Now, I might do that in that situation but according to your original post, that would not be full disclosure or transparent.

[BusyNAbroad]

Hmmm... I feel that this might be related to different personalities as well, but I'll explore further on this. My experience, however, has been the opposite: whenever I was reserved, I wasn't able to expand beyond my normal circle of friends.

However, I do feel that when I am reserved, other people ask more questions than when I speak all the time

 

 

 

Yeah, I think we're talking about different situations. Again, the situations in which I [originally] encourage disclosure is when people feel they might loose approval, image or other opportunistic reasons related to themselves / their ego.