Jump to content

in LDR, dumped by phone 1 year ago, I'm going to get closure


Recommended Posts

I was in a LDR for about a year. He ended it a year ago, via phone, because he met an "intriguing" woman (yes, there will always be someone more beautiful and more interesting, but have you ever heard of restraint?!). I was devasted. It took a toll on every aspect of my being. This other woman moved in with him days after the dump (she had no where to go, don't you know?). As far as I know, they are still together. So much for the rebound not working out. I went through the begging, pleading, crying stage. Then, we had civil conversations (he was sneaking around to take my calls or to call me which, hey, was * * * for tat, so to speak). He sent me a mushy birthday card a few months ago and that was that. He wouldn't answer my calls or respond to mail. I'm 45 days into strict NC. He didn't seem very happy when we were talking, but he would rather be unhappy with someone at his side then waiting for the person he claims to love. Anyway, the point of this post, is to say that I bought a plane ticket, am going to show up at his home and the gutless wonder is going to have to address me face to face. He's over 50 y.o. - it's time for him to act like a man. I've had the worst year of my life and he skipped down the road hand in hand with the intriguing one. He can have a few uncomfortable minutes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree, that's going a little far. It's one thing to want closure, it's another to fly all the way to where he lives to make him feel uncomfortable. It's been a year. It's over. He's been leading you on since the breakup and he's not worth your time. Just move on, save your money and don't blow it on a plane ticket. There's someone better out there who's actually worth all the trouble you're thinking of going through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Actually, I don't think I'm taking it too far. This is a man who professed to loving me and I loved him. We were supposed to be in a mutually exclusive relationship. We talked time and time again about communicating with the other if the relationship wasn't meeting our needs. If he lived in town, you can bet a phone call would not have been sufficient. We both made the effort to see each other in person while the relationship was thriving. I finally have the strength to confront him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have got absoultly nothing to gain by doing this. Cash in that ticket and get your money back or go somewhere else.

 

I guarantee you that you are going to walk away from this situation feeling worse than you do now.

 

Contrary to what you might think there is no such thing as "closure". You can't really have closure unless he dies. You are always going to be wondering about him at some point in your life. It will get better as time goes on. I still ocasionally think about GF's from ten years ago.

 

You are setting yourself up for a complete disastor. You are thinking irrationally and he is going to see you as a totall psyco if you do this. If you do this he is going to be sooo glad he left you.

 

Trade in that ticket and take yourself somewhere nice

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry that you are mad, heck I could say the same thing about my ex, he and I were in a serious relationship and planned to get married in the future. A friend of mine has been through the same thing. Really, all you are asking is for more trouble and possibly a restraining order/jail time. Get your head straight and move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree that you are making a mistake. What can you possibly hope to gain from this except humiliation and a waste of money?You have already had all the closure that you should rationally need because he told you why he was leaving you and has made no attempt to get you back - he hasn't even been in contact for over a month or more.

 

When you arrive at his door all he has to do is close it in your face. If you persist all he has to do is call the police.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Take the money you were going to spend on the ticket and buy something that you have always wanted. You will feel so much better than trying to get closure. Most likely if you follow through with your plan it will fail and you will feel worse and reopen all the old wounds.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here is a way to get closure - take his actions and pretend that they are words. Those "words" are what he is saying to you about how he feels about your relationship.

 

Most of the time when we want closure, its because we imagine the other person is going to be able to say something that makes us feel OK about the situation. If the reality is that the person doesn't want to be with us, there is not much they will be ABLE to say that will make us feel OK about it.

 

That is why I suggest pretending that all of his actions are words. Its like when you watch a 2 year old and they can't really use words, so they use their actions to convey what they want and need.

 

Adults do the same thing in many situations in life if only we are willing to look.

 

He has told you loud and clear how he feels, but its in a different language than words.

 

Closure also is an internal experience. Its a process of accepting the reality of a situation, and gradually moving through the various negative emotions - its like grief - it comes if only we are willing to let it come by not allowing ourselves to remain stuck at one of the intermediary stages. The other person does not control whether we reach closure or not. We can be in charge of that if we choose to. Why put the responsibility for your mental well being on a man who has greatly disappointed you? Why not take that responsibility into your own hands instead?

 

An exercise that you can do is put two chairs facing each other. Sit down in one chair and pretend that your ex is sitting in the other chair. Start off by telling him that you want to talk about what has happened. Then sit in the other chair and pretend to be him. Based on everything you know about him, speak as if you truly think he would speak. Then switch to the other chair and respond. Keep going with it. It sounds a bit silly, but you'd be amazed about what sorts of insights and emotions can get stirred up in an exercise like this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

WONDERFUL post.

 

No one else can give you closure. Only you can give yourself that. If you interrogate him and ask him why he did what he did etc etc, you will only be left with more questions, and still, NO CLOSURE.

 

Spend that money on a fabulous new outfit, a haircut, some jewellery, whatever... Not on his sorry ass.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here is a way to get closure - take his actions and pretend that they are words. Those "words" are what he is saying to you about how he feels about your relationship.

 

This is a good way to approach relationships, and SO hard to learn. So much of relationships are built on promises and words, and I always believed that "our word" meant our "truth".

 

"Actions speak louder than words" is an expression worth listening to.

 

(One thing I did wrong in my relationship is I listened to his words and made excuses for his actions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(One thing I did wrong in my relationship is I listened to his words and made excuses for his actions.

 

Me, too. I look back at the excuses I made for his actions they sound so very weak. I was in love and love certainly made me blind and deaf.

 

I echo what all folks had put so perfectly here. Save the money or trade the ticket in and go on vacation somewhere else. Really, is there anything he could say to make you feel better? Even if you got an apology, it would be forced, like when a parent makes their child say "I'm sorry" when they never intended to say in the first place. It means absolutely nothing. If he wants to ever truly apologize or talk, he'd do it without confrontation.

 

Closure is very, very hard. Because gaining real closure means you have to 100% "close" the door on your past relationship. You have to let go and letting go of future possibilities with a person you loved might be one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life. I know it has been for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Closure is very, very hard. Because gaining real closure means you have to 100% "close" the door on your past relationship. You have to let go and letting go of future possibilities with a person you loved might be one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life. I know it has been for me.

 

Yes, I agree. Very wise words.

 

Girlfriend, take the money like others have said, and spend it on yourself - or pay off a bill or something, anything - for yourself.

 

It is very hard, but I do believe that if you want 'revenge,' then think of the saying - that the best revenge is living well. I don't know about you, but I have more than enough stuff in myself to work on, and so I don't have time or energy to be chasing after someone who 1) treated me badly, 2) does not contact me (hello??? = does not want to talk to me) and 3) well - why would I want someone who behaved like that with me. Yes, some of his words were sweet, but his actions when he just disappeared totally sucked big time. Is there ever any excuse for that? Any excuse? What could he say after 8 months of silence - after last saying how much he missed me and wanted to hear from me.

 

The hardest thing in the world for me is to separate out my feelings of "love" or whatever that feeling is, from the reality of - he just freaking disappeared. I need to get angry and I struggle with that. But - I have never contacted him after I sent s simple email saying I was glad to have met him, liked the things we talked about and getting to know him, and that I wished him well.

 

Girlfriend! look within, the answers to everything are within yourself. Our external world only reflects our internal world; change that, and you change everything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why would you go there? My ex left me pretty much for similar reasons, the long distance and the other woman. You need to keep your head high, kick him to the curbside, and enjoy your life without him. He doesn't deserve any of your effort. Sorry to be harsh but life is too short to be wasted on people who are not worthy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...