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Long time friend comes on to me, knowing I'm not single.


cazmoore

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I'm in the middle of contemplating of whether or not to write an email to a friend of mine.

 

I've been friends with him for a while, he lives in Montreal and I live about 12 hours away. He moved away to pursue his dreams of being a band in and become an artist. This year his girlfriend of 5 years broke up with him, because she wanted to date other people. I have seen him a few times since he came back to visit southern Ontario and we've hung out. Not thinking anything of it, he sent me an email on FB asking to go out on a 'date' when he came home to visit. I thought he was being funny and I said .. "yeah.. sure it would be great to see you, etc."

 

We went out to eat, got some drinks. My boyfriend knew where I was and gave me a call to see how my night was going. After a few drinks he was opening up and talking about how he was enjoying his night with me, was telling me I was beautiful and how if he were my boyfriend he'd willing to do this, this, and that... etc. How I deserved better. It was really out of nowhere, I'm not sure where he was picking up my signals from. Nowhere near different from normal conversations we normally had. I never told him to be quiet, I only just changed the topic. I never knew him to have a crush on me or ever picked up those feelings from him before. I still gave him a hug goodbye at my house... he called about 10 minutes after and said he wanted to kiss me when we were saying goodbye, and I didn't know what to say. I feel horrible about it because he called me a few times over that weekend and I ignored his calls, and felt so guilty because I'm in a relationship. I never mentioned this to my boyfriend because it would cause him to be upset, it would cause him to feel insecure and it's just not necessary.

 

I feel it wasn't fair, what my friend did, and he knew I was having relationship issues and was trying to see where he stood.. which is stupid and unfair. I don't want to ruin a friendship over this, and I'm not sure how to address the situation, or if I should leave it and forget that it happened. I don't want him telling people a different story, and want to address it. It has been bugging me, and causing me to feel insecure. I'm more concerned about ruining the friendship.. and keep asking myself why he put us in that situation.

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You can't just let it go and forget about it, because then you are sending a clear message to him that it's okay for him to do that, and he will do it again.

 

You need to tell him straight up that it was inappropriate because you are in a relationship. If he cannot get past that and it destroys a friendship, then perhaps that is a good thing and you shouldn't have that friendship anyway.

 

It was a wrong thing for him to do and he should be told.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think you're approaching this with a very level head, even if it is continuing to be a very confusing and worrisome situation. So, kudos to you!

 

I would indeed write him an email. Emphasize that you're glad the two of you are friends, but that your boyfriend is definitely just that - your boyfriend. This friend is not in the place to be your boyfriend right now because you aren't that type of person.

 

Best of luck!

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i don't why you're worried about ruining the friendship - it's already been ruined, by him. Things aren't going to be the same, anymore - i mean, in consideration of your BF, you probably shouldn't spend anymore time alone with this guy - it'll send the wrong message, and who knows what he'll interpret that as. I am sure this has a lot to do with him being lonely after being dumped, which is sad - but you can't sacrifice yourself or your relationship just so he can have a rebound - which is what this is pretty much about. I would tell him that he needs to back off and keep things as 'just friends', otherwise he's going to cause a whole lot more trouble for you and the BF. I mean, he's already got you hiding things from your BF, which sucks.

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If you felt it was inappropriate you shoud have said so at the time? he didnt get any indication from you that it was wrong? you agreed to go even though he referred to it as a date?Think you need to look at how you feel abt this friend and if you don't have any romantic interest in him tell him so - that simple.Friendships can survive this sort of stuff,i dont know many opposite sex f/ships that have'nt come accross this issue at some point.

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