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Road to positivity


Amasa

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Ok so my new goal with my ex is to take a positive vibe and see if it gets me anywhere. And even if it fails miserably maybe we'll have a better relationship for our kids.

 

So, he keeps bringing the girls late, so I offered to let him keep them for another hour during the week.

 

Friday I sent him an email and told him that I missed him, that I wanted us to be friends, and that I wasn't going to be mean about the girls anymore (we have recently gotten into some fights about child support and custody, I filed for it so I'm still protecting myself, I'm just not gonna fight about it)

 

Sat, I made sure I was unavailable, because I don't want to scare him off, so one step forward two steps back.

 

Today he was 2 hours late with the girls, I sent him a bunch of text, and then I told him I was coming to pick them up. He wrote back and said he was really sorry, he lost track of time. So, I called him (this is our first conversation since he moved in with the girlfriend) I told him I was really scared he was going to steal them, he swore he wasn't, we talked a little about stuff, overall the conversation was pretty good. He said he wanted to do what was best for the girls.

When I arrived to pick up the girls (this is the first time I've been to the new place) The girlfriend stayed away, which was good. But there was a little girl there, maybe the gf's kid? I was too stumped to really speak, and really I almost started crying.

But over all I think my positive plan is going well.

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Its really bad that you two have kids because of that it means you can never start a new life of your own, this means you have to settle down with the idea of sharing the kids, his gf also seemingly has a child and i personally think that the big problem with you is that you can't say 'its over', and the reason for that is the attachments you still have to him, which will never go away because of the kids.

 

In other words the relationship you have with him is in a complete state of decay, and at this point i would indeed try to stay positive and make amends with that you are in a 'shared' situation, i don't think you should become paranoia and be afraid of him stealing the kids, in my opinion its not possible for a parent to steal a kid, because although kids belong to their parents, they are not 'possessions', kids are the victims of the bad relationship between parents, and are just dragged to either one side and get inwillingly involved into the mess but the core problem is with you two. And only a solution can be found in that. So in my opinion its ok for the kids to stay as long with either their father or their mother as they want, the rights you have on a child and to see them are equal, but the more you make eachothers lives miserable and impossible, the less room there is for negotiation, so the more you say 'live and let live' the more relaxing the situation becomes, and the more there is possible. So instead of demanding the kids back, i would say 'sure go ahead, stay a little longer' without dragging the kids into the conflict, or that being a reason for more conflict. That would definitly not improve the situation, its just best you go and get the kids yourself on the time you are allowed to get them back. This because its better for you to take your life into your own hands, afteral your life is your responsibility, he doesn't have a stake into bringing them back and as such lacks the motivation to bring them back, you however are motivated, so its better for you to bring them back, and henceforward that bringing them back yourself will also save you from getting anxious on the phone, so stop relying on him and take the power of your life back where it belongs, namely in your hands.

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Yes, I don't want to fight over the kids, and it has really gotten stupid. That's why I offered him some more time with them. I stay home with them, so it really doesn't matter if he keeps them a couple extra hours here and there.

 

I think we were falling into the habits that a lot of divorced people get into, they fight over every stupid thing. THen it's just this constant battle, and they hate each other. THen when the fighting is all over, they realize they miss each other and that's why they've been acting out so much.

 

I also think he was trying to get back with me for a while, and I was ignoring it. He used to come over when he dropped off the girls and would come in and sit on the couch. All these things I've been complaining about he kept calling me and telling me he had fixed.

I was focused on not talking to him and kinda enjoying that he was suffuring a little. He's not the kind of guy that is ever going to put it all out there and show up with flowers begging me back. He wants things to progress slowly.

I think that's why it's signifigant that he said right before he moved in with her that something big had to happen for me to do anything.

Because this is how I work. Now that he has moved further away from me I just want him back.

Anyway so I'm letting him stew over what happened and I guess we'll see how it went over in the next couple of days.

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Well we are moving right along. He text me and asked to take the girls on a wrong night.

I know it seems insignifigant, but I know it took a lot for him to ask me since we've been fighting a lot lately.

One more small step in the right direction

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm still being nice to the ex. I even saw him the other day and asked about his hobbies and what not.

 

Then later that afternoon we got into a 2 hour conversation about our relationship. He basically said he had given up on it. I told him I was upset that he had never tried to get back together with me. He said that he would have it we hadn't broke up before. I don't know if he was trying to give me closure so we could be friends or if he wanted to talk things through. But I've decided to take this as a positive too.

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