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Really need advice


Gracelove

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There was this girl, that was one of my closest friends, until she set me up to be raped.

 

I forgave her a while back, and life became so much more wonderful. I became pretty normal. I've made a lot of other female friends since then, good friends. I'm very cautious, I have built up walls, so I don't let them get too close though.

 

Anywho, I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and she told me that the girl I had forgiven is married.....

 

And then everything changed! I became so upset. And I started thinking of all of the things she had done to me.

 

And I couldn't believe she had gotten married, I felt it was so unfair. I forgave her because I just knew Karma would bite her in the butt one day, and then I hear this. So, I was very unhappy to say the least.

 

Now I feel so crazy, and unhappy. I'm trying to forgive her again, so that I won't have this sick feelings I had before.

Where my stomach is bothering me, and I can't stop thinking of what happened to me, and all this craziness.

 

I said, "I forgive ___", out loud, however that hasn't helped me yet.

 

I just want to feel better again.

 

Is there anyone who can give me advice on how to get out of this place I'm in?

 

I was able to forgive her once, so surely I can do it again.

 

Is there something I should try? A new technique or something? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks so much!

 

~Grace

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Hi Grace!

 

I'm assuming you forgave her to help you to heal from what you went through, but I would have found it very difficult to forgive her at all.

 

You've come a long way, maybe just try to focus on the new friends you've made. There are people out there for you who will be true friends and who would never consider doing what this woman did to you. I can't imagine how difficult this has all been for you, but all I can suggest is that you try to continue to build trust with the new people in your life. We all get let down by people from time to time, maybe not to the extent that this person let your down, but it hurts. We just have to try to let it go and remember that there are good people on this earth who can offer pure love and friendship. I know it's easier said than done, but try hard not to allow what's happening in her life to have an affect on your life. It's energy draining and it doesn't deserve a place in the life you're building for yourself.

 

And keep in mind that just because she gotten married and her life may appear to be going well at the moment, karma isn't quite finished with her yet. Life takes alot of twists and turns.

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And I couldn't believe she had gotten married, I felt it was so unfair. I forgave her because I just knew Karma would bite her in the butt one day, and then I hear this. So, I was very unhappy to say the least.

 

Forgive me if im reading this wrong, and i surely hope i am, but it seems you forgave her just to be there when karma did bite her...

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Grace,

Karma is a fickle thing, but has a long memory. Bring yourself back to that place in your heart where you first forgave her. Remember it...will it. Maybe that will help.

 

))HUGS(( to you.

KG

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Do not feel anger or resentment for any happiness she may find Grace. Do not wish her any ill health or fortune in her life. Simply wish her to live her life and you live yours. This is forgiveness. I'm not saying it's easy because it's not, it's not something you can just say and make it true. It's something you have to feel completely through yourself and it takes time.

 

Big ((Hugs))

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I think you are feeling this way because as far as you can tell Karma hasn't "bitten her in the ass" yet, in fact the exact opposite thing has happened and she is now getting married. She did something horrible to you, and while you don't seek revenge and even had the good will to forgive her, you still feel that because of what she did to you she is undeserving of something like getting married and deep down feel that she deserves to be severly punished for her actions, not rewarded. I think you should just try to put it out of your head, try to consider that seeing this girl's life in ruins will do nothing to advance your life or happiness, and that you should focus on your own life instead of hers. Have you or do you see a counsellour for being raped? Talk it over with him or her and maybe they can provide some insight to your feelings. But it is perfectly natural to feel this way toward someone who is recieving something positive in their life when you feel they are totally undeserving of it, especially when they have done something so horrible to you. I was feeling like this a few days ago when I found out that someone I used to work with was being highly considered for a great job opportunity. When I worked with this person he was lazy, insubordinate, and at times decietful but was somehow able to find a better job, and is now up for an even better one. I feel that this person is totally undeserving of all of the success hes found in the industry he went in to, and I was a bit relieved when I heard that there was a good chance he would not get the postion he was being so considered for. I know this scenario pales in comparison to your situation, but I think it shows how everybody feels this way toward someone from time to time.

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Wow! Hey There Guys, thank you for all of your advice!!!

 

Greensleeves

 

First off, thank you so much for your support over the years!

 

I tell you, it took many times of trying, and I think failing, to forgive her.

I did forgive her to help myself move on.

 

Usually when I "forgive" her, it helps out a lot. I don't feel angry towards her, things get better.

 

It's difficult, the whole forgiveness thing, because sometimes I think I've totally forgiven her, then maybe a few months into it, something gets triggered, and I become angry again.

Then I forgive her again, and so on and so forth.

 

I've been working on letting down my guard lately, and it's super hard.

With my current friends, I'm always there for them, and we talk, but they know very little about me.

They may know my tastes, or thoughts on trivial things, but that's about it.

 

You're right about the Karma thing I think.

 

I think her getting married hurts, because I think that's supposed to be a good thing that happens in someones' life.

And I just keep thinking about how, after the rape, she kind of made light of the fact that I wasn't doing well. She would kind of bring up the fact that I wasn't doing well, and rub it in my face, kind of mock me.

 

And I guess, since the rape, things haven't been that great. I mean, there have been many good things. But my mother kind of points out that other people are much better than I am also, so that makes it worse.

 

Like, when I told my mom, and the girl was getting married, my mom got all happy, and said it was wonderful.

 

But when I was going to get married, my mom said, "Why would anyone want to marry someone who's sick?"

 

And she called me "sick" because I had depression, because of the rape. I had to take anti-depressants.

 

So I guess, it all ties together, and it makes me feel bad, and upset.

 

But everything will turn out fine in the end I guess.

 

Anywho, thanks for your advice.

 

Cruzer

 

Hey There!!!

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I forgave her, because I felt I had to. I knew it was the right thing to do, even though the idea didn't always appeal to me.

 

Forgiving her was difficult, I didn't want to feel like I was just saying what she did didn't matter.

I didn't want to feel that she was getting off scott free.

The effects of her actions, were sooooo devastating for me.

 

She will NEVER, get in trouble with the authorities for what she has done, NEVER.

So it's really hard to deal with that sometimes.

 

So I told myself, "Don't worry about it. God will make sure justice is done. Just forgive, because you're supposed to, and everything will be okay. Let God worry about her".

 

So I did.

 

It's hard though, because sometimes I'm struggling through the aftermath of everything. And I become upset again.

 

And I know I shouldn't feel happy if something bad happens to her. But at least I could pretend that it was punishment for what she did.

 

I don't want to feel like I don't matter at all. I don't want to feel insignificant. I don't want to feel like people can beat me, or rape me, or do whatever they want to me, and it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't matter, it's not important. They shouldn't be punished in any way.

 

It's hard, because if they stole my car, the punishment they would get, would be so much more than what they are getting now.

 

Of course she'll have good moments in life, and that's fine. That's normal, but that's not all I want to hear about, her good times. It hurts.

 

I know what I said earlier sounds backwards. But that logic helps me in some way.

 

Thanks for listening. I know I've written you novel.

 

KG

 

Hey There!!!

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I should probably be much more patient with the whole Karma thing, LOL.

 

I'll really try to forgive her again.

 

Dagless

 

You're right, I'll try. Thanks, I'm realizing it takes a lot of effort. But I'll just hang in there, and try to make it simple.

 

It's so weird, because I'm totally paranoid. I'm afraid that maybe she'll hurt me in some way, not physically or anything. But I still consider her a threat.

 

Maverick554

 

You totally understand how I'm feeling.

 

I do need to focus on my life, and I've been doing that for the most part. It takes such a long time to get your life together, but I do see improvement, so I'm grateful for that.

 

I think that maybe I should just try to pretend that she no longer exists. What are the chances of me ever running into her anyway?

 

So ya, I think I just need to relax, and find some way to work through this hurt.

 

I have seen therapists, and they've been helpful. Although with the more recent therapist I've had...we never really talked about the rape, or the people involved. We just talked about everything else.

I currently don't have a therapist though.

 

And I totally get the job analogy. Basically it's about unfairness, which is a regular part of life. People get things they don't deserve sometimes. We all do, in some form or fashion.

 

Thanks again.

 

~Grace

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