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my take on healing


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Ok, I've been thinking a lot about what it takes to get over a failed relationship. Some of the common things I think we all feel are the fear of never finding love again and the failure complex. I've come to realize that we as individuals are responsible for our own happiness. The point of being in a relationship is not to find someone to revolve our lives around, but to find someone to compliment the life that we are already living. I used to think that I needed someone to occupy my time and to share in all of my hobbies and to rule my universe. That sort of thinking never got me anywhere. Every failed relationship made me feel as if I was a big clown who couldn't make things work. The reality is that things sometimes just don't work. Sometimes we try to make relationships work for the wrong reasons. We put in the time, we did this together, we experienced that together, etc. And none of it really matters except that if you can't be happy with yourself then you are never going to be happy with anyone else. Anyway, my overall point is this...when a relationship ends a lot of us get stuck trying to figure out how to make a girlfriend/boyfriend happy in the future. To me the key is figuring out a way to make yourself happy. Be happy with who you are and when you are you will find someone else that will be happy and lucky to have found you.

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I tend to agree 100% except that living without the intimacy of a close relationship does make for a very dull life for me.

 

I love the intimacy the touch of a woman and all it entails what do you use to fill that void??

 

No doubt. My life was quite dull as well. I think what I was getting at is that post-break up is a great time to challenge yourself, to explore new things, to bulid a happier you. I definitely struggled with doing it, but once I started I felt like a new and improved person.

 

As far as filling a void...there isn't really a way to fill that void. I think the best thing that I did was realize that the void isn't such a bad thing. I'd rather have that void while waiting for the right person than have the void filled by someone who is not going to contribute to my happiness. Isn't finding the right person to be with the ultimate goal?

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"when a relationship ends a lot of us get stuck trying to figure out how to make a girlfriend/boyfriend happy in the future. To me the key is figuring out a way to make yourself happy"

 

wow good insight!! i've looked at my breakup the total wrong way. kept thinking how i could be better in the future for someone while i have no idea what i did wrong in the relationship (most of it was his doubt and GIGS). i kept getting so frustrated by "trying to learn something."

 

This makes so much sense though, i've realized a lot of things that my next relationship must have that the last one didn't. things that i need to be happy from another person..

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Yeah, that's the key. I did the same thing. Trust me. If you decide that the situation is only going to be what you make of it, how can you go wrong? It's easy to just follow someone else's needs or to try to please, but the hard part is being true with yourself about what you really want or what you are looking for. Sometimes we see things as half-full even though they really aren't. And I think it's ok to say "hey, this isn't working for me and I need x, y and z for it to work."

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good advice, someday I will be over this and happy again, but for the time being I am not, I wish I could just "snap out of it". My happiness is the ultimate goal, yes, but I sure am very unhappy at the moment

 

I don't think you can really snap out of it by wishing. You have to force yourself to snap out of it. Do something new or creative that takes you out of your comfort zone. The more new things I experienced, the more I began to make myself into the person that I always wanted to be. I used to be the king of wallowing in self pity and self doubt. I feel like a fool for wasting my time that way. If happiness is your ultimate goal then prove it...to yourself!

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My take on it is that it is important to put energy into exploring options that distract you, no matter how briefly, from the feeling of unhappiness. (This is different than "forcing" a change in feelings.)

 

Use actions, imagination, thoughts, anything that uplifts in any way. Also, experiment with mindfulness. Then when sadness starts you learn to watch that, experience the details about it (with mindfulness), not just the thoughts, but the physical sensations and what is happening around you. Next, practice "swapping" these thoughts for other thoughts, feelings, focus, or actions. Feelings will shift along the way.

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My take on it is that it is important to put energy into exploring options that distract you, no matter how briefly, from the feeling of unhappiness. (This is different than "forcing" a change in feelings.)

 

Use actions, imagination, thoughts, anything that uplifts in any way. Also, experiment with mindfulness. Then when sadness starts you learn to watch that, experience the details about it (with mindfulness), not just the thoughts, but the physical sensations and what is happening around you. Next, practice "swapping" these thoughts for other thoughts, feelings, focus, or actions. Feelings will shift along the way.

 

I like that idea, its like I put myself through hell wondering if she is happy, what shes doing with her new boyfriend, the only thing thats brings me peace of mind is to think about how I am going to move out of state in two months, hopefully that brings me a fresh start, outlook, and the possibilty of finding someone special again.

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