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I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half three days ago after finding out he posted on Craigslist under casual encounters and contacted one of the girls he got a response from after he swore throughout our entire relationship that he doesn't take cheating lightly. Though I have no evidence to prove he cheated, I personally feel that you don't go on Craigslist and post when you are in love or even remotely respectful to your partner. He claims he was just curious. I felt that that curiosity could lead to other things in the future.

 

He was also a habitual liar throughout our entire relationship. He lied about his prior sex life, drugs, medication he was taking, where he would be at night, etc. I had very little trust in him left, and I felt like I never knew who he truly was. This post on CL was basically the straw that broke the camel's back. He was also verbally abusive, and hit me the same day I broke up with him (we were in the car talking about the whole CL thing, and he told me to shut up and punched me in the chest).

 

The reason I am sharing this is because I am still having the hardest time moving on. I haven't spoken with him, and do not plan to, even if he tries to contact me. However, I can't seem to escape how much we shared together, and this is really quite heartbreaking because throughout our relationship I was banking on the fact that we'd make it forever, no matter what. The lies became too much, however, and I was living in fear of what he was doing or would do every day. When he wasn't being hostile or sneaky, he was very sweet, and almost childlike. That's what kills me the most, the fact that he has an innocent side, and that's what was so loveable about him.

 

I guess I am just looking for advice on how to get past that. I have heard everyone tell me that being in a relationship where someone calls you a " * * * * * " is never healthy, and that I am lucky to have left and will find someone later. Focus on the bad things that happened, realize you made the right choice...I've heard those too, but for some reason, there is a part of me that keeps wondering about our future and whether or not it was my fault we got to this point.

 

Also, I am in college, and we planned our schedules for fall together. We are taking two classes together, and though I do not want to switch my schedule, I fear that seeing him will prohibit the moving on process. Other people tell me to stand my ground, however, and to be strong. Your advice?

 

Kind and helpful words would be appreciated.

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I guess I am just looking for advice on how to get past that. I have heard everyone tell me that being in a relationship where someone calls you a " * * * * * " is never healthy, and that I am lucky to have left and will find someone later.

 

You are right, thats NEVER okay.

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Thanks, and I wish I would have just realized it earlier. I even took a sociology class early on in our relationship where the professor said that if your SO ever calls you a name, leave the first time it happens...because it will happen again, and worse things will ensue. It went from happening one time, to happening ten times in one day. He even said he said those things because he KNEW it hurt me.

 

Yet here I am still heartbroken when I should be celebrating...or something...

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Wow. Untrustworthy, hostile, sneaky, lying, "casual encounters" posts on CL, calling you a ***** and hitting you in the chest. He's not exactly a prize. You can do so much better.

 

You say you don't want to change your schedule, but you may want to reconsider. Do whatever you can to stay away from him. Stay strong!

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Let me reassure you. This was definitely not your fault.

 

When there is no honesty what makes him different than any stranger off of the street. I think you have good reasons for you suspicions in his intentions on Craig List.

 

The physical and verbal abuse is definitely not good. You have all these projections that he may change and that he has an innocent side, etc. But I hope you can look from the outside and seriously evaluate your relationship with this guy.

 

He may not be 100% who you think he really is. Hang in there.

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He may not be 100% who you think he really is. Hang in there.

 

I agree with you on this definitely, and I think that's what is the scariest thing. It even makes you question if he relly ever wanted to be with me in the first place. When a person isn't honest time and time again, you wonder if he is ever honest at all...

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Thanks, and I wish I would have just realized it earlier. I even took a sociology class early on in our relationship where the professor said that if your SO ever calls you a name, leave the first time it happens...because it will happen again, and worse things will ensue. It went from happening one time, to happening ten times in one day. He even said he said those things because he KNEW it hurt me.

 

Yet here I am still heartbroken when I should be celebrating...or something...

 

Nah, the title of your post says it all: "Still Fresh." And it is. Any time you have a break-up, even if the other person is a complete jerk face, you're probably going to be a little messed up about it. It's completely normal to feel conflicted and upset.

 

Stay strong. This guy is a complete loser. You will feel better in a week or two.

 

Regarding classes, if you can switch, I would.

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Regarding classes, if you can switch, I would.

 

I know, I feel that I should just because I really don't need the extra stress of it all. I'm all about staying strong and showing the other person you don't need them to control your life, but by the time classes start, I feel like seeing him there (and I know he will purposefully go out of his way to be even more of a jerk) will shatter the "healing" that takes place while I ignore him completely.

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I am going to advise you to speak to him and have a talk about it. It may make you feel a bit down, at first..BUT if you approach it all with realism and brutal honesty and seek some answers about his prior behavour and his lies, etc and he doesnt take accountability or responsibilty or show any old remorse this will actually give you the inner strength to really 'SEE' who he is, and what he represents in morals and values. There is a very high chance this may be your ticket to a huge leap in moving forward..you have had no closure and sometimes this reality check boosts you forward....

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The statistics show that when a woman is in an abusive relationship (and I would say yours sounds abusive based on what you posted), it takes on average 7 attempts of breaking up before she finally leaves for good.

 

The reason I share this is so that you will see that even in a very unhappy relationship, there is an emotional bond and attachment that is formed.

 

You will have to work really hard to discipline yourself not to give into the feelings of missing him, missing the good things about him, missing the good times with him, etc. Just because he treated you badly in many ways doesn't mean he treated you badly all the time - and that is why you will have ambivalent feelings about the relationship.

 

hang in there!

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Congratulations on taking the very healthy step of breaking up with this liar and cheat. You've given yourself permission to seek out something better for yourself, and that's a wonderful step forward.

 

Of course it hurts. You're grieving the loss of a relationship that you thought had a future, and the loss of the man you once believed him to be. You now know he isn't that man, but the grief is still there.

 

Cry it out, and then start doing healthy moving-on things for yourself. Call up your girlfriends and get them to take you out and do something fun. Even if you don't feel like you're remotely fun right now. Pack up all the things that remind you of him and put them away (or burn them, if you like the catharsis of watching the pretty flames!). Start imagining what you want your life to look like without him...what good positive things you want to invite into your life now that he's out of it.

 

It's going to hurt at this stage, no matter what. But you've done the right thing for yourself.

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I am going to advise you to speak to him and have a talk about it. It may make you feel a bit down, at first..BUT if you approach it all with realism and brutal honesty and seek some answers about his prior behavour and his lies, etc and he doesnt take accountability or responsibilty or show any old remorse this will actually give you the inner strength to really 'SEE' who he is, and what he represents in morals and values. There is a very high chance this may be your ticket to a huge leap in moving forward..you have had no closure and sometimes this reality check boosts you forward....

 

Loulee, we have talked about his lying habit in the past. He gives me one of these reasons: I lie because I am afraid to tell you when I did something wrong, and I don't want to lose you (I have approached this and told him it is much better to admit his mistakes than to hide them and have me find out later. I told him I wanted to have an open honest relationship, and that I would respect him very much for being honest in the first place), or he says he is ashamed of something he did, which is fine since we all feel that way, but I have tried to help him understand that I want to be supportive and help him through things he struggles with, and other times when I have asked him, he just retaliates by saying, well you did this this and that in the past...and uses that against me.

 

Throughout our relationship I have noticed he is not good at sticking to his supposed morals. Put it this way: he grew up in a Mormon household, and he claims it is the most important thing in his life and wants to do his best to follow it, but he can't even follow the basic principles it teaches. I know he doesn't stick to his morals, and I know that I cannot change him, and that he can only change himself. i guess i am really sad to know that he had so much potential to be a good person, but he just didn't try hard enough...

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The statistics show that when a woman is in an abusive relationship (and I would say yours sounds abusive based on what you posted), it takes on average 7 attempts of breaking up before she finally leaves for good.

 

The reason I share this is so that you will see that even in a very unhappy relationship, there is an emotional bond and attachment that is formed.

 

You will have to work really hard to discipline yourself not to give into the feelings of missing him, missing the good things about him, missing the good times with him, etc. Just because he treated you badly in many ways doesn't mean he treated you badly all the time - and that is why you will have ambivalent feelings about the relationship.

 

hang in there!

 

I was always one of those people who could never understand why women wouldn't leave abusive relationships since it was so unhealthy. Now that I have experienced abuse, i can understand why it is so damaging. He wasn't always a hostile relationship. There were many parts that were very loving, and he always had a knack of showing that he could be a "gentleman."

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I really recomend that you switch your classes.when I was in college, I had a similar situation where my ex dump me while we were taking few classes together. It was very painfull. specially seen her talking to other guys and laughing and such. for your health and your grades I recommend to switch to another class.

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QUOTE Throughout our relationship I have noticed he is not good at sticking to his supposed morals. Put it this way: he grew up in a Mormon household, and he claims it is the most important thing in his life and wants to do his best to follow it, but he can't even follow the basic principles it teaches. I know he doesn't stick to his morals, and I know that I cannot change him, and that he can only change himself. i guess i am really sad to know that he had so much potential to be a good person, but he just didn't try hard enough...

 

Hi, This quote from you IS the reason I suggested you talk with him NOW .While you were with him he lied, made excuses or turned HIS failures against you, You were highly emotionally invested in him then then so you stuck with him, tried to FIX him , made excuses FOR him. Basically you were waiting and offering him support calmly with the DIRE hope he would change and become that better person you very much believed he could be..BUT NOW that you have had time away from him(the split) and are not in the HIGH zone of being emotionally invested IN HIM you may find having a talk with him over your old problems and listening to him once again slip back into his old excuses blah blah will actually HELP validate the fact that he cannot change , YOU cannot change nor fix him AND that you made the best decision in longer being with someone who does not stand up to your values of honesty and healthy communication. He was just basically hard work..This in itself can often ease your down moments and leap you forward into moving on without any future WHAT IFS>>.its like a ticket into full acceptance.... and really moving on WITHOUT looking back ...without any regrets, no matter how smalll..but with renewed hope and confidence for a far better future with someone down the track who DOES NOT lack in these qualities..good luck to you....

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I will also mention that he lied to you because as he said he was afraid to tell you the truth, this in itself represents grossly different moral codes. basically he would be weak and take the easy road and lie to you rather than take the moral road and speak the truth BECAUSE he feared your disapproval over things, anything, probably trivial things sometimes at that. For you on the other hand , these liars would have made it almost impossible to build any trust in him So the viscious cycle continues.

Bottom line is you are an honest and healthy communicator..not only that BUT you VALUE these things..you tried to make him value them also..BUT he didnt so he lied...You cannot live with someone like this. As you have now discovered when you both have clearly different standards and morals they will cause many spoken and unspoken conflicts (withheld) no matter how hard you try to accept them.. it just doesnt work in the long term...Bottom line..he does not and did not deserve you...never forget this..

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I really recomend that you switch your classes.when I was in college, I had a similar situation where my ex dump me while we were taking few classes together. It was very painfull. specially seen her talking to other guys and laughing and such. for your health and your grades I recommend to switch to another class.

 

This is exactly what I fear. I feel like he will go out of his way to flirt with other girls in front of me because he is that hateful or resentful toward me. I am definitely switching out of the one class, but the other one is one I am really interested in, and so I'd hate to throw that away...

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So what it comes down to is a basic incompatibility, which I sort of recognized early on but was too inexperienced to really act upon until a year and a half of it went on. Thank you for your advice and your thoughtful words. I know I cannot change him, and I also know that I can't make anyone RECOGNIZE when they have something good.

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This is exactly what I fear. I feel like he will go out of his way to flirt with other girls in front of me because he is that hateful or resentful toward me. I am definitely switching out of the one class, but the other one is one I am really interested in, and so I'd hate to throw that away...

 

well are you taking it with a friend or someone you can ask to help you in any difficult moment? If not try to find someone in class who understands and knows your story so that youll have a better time.

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well are you taking it with a friend or someone you can ask to help you in any difficult moment? If not try to find someone in class who understands and knows your story so that youll have a better time.

 

This is great advice...

 

Or I can jsut play his game right back at him and flirt around myself, no?

 

I'm only half serious

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I know, I feel that I should just because I really don't need the extra stress of it all. I'm all about staying strong and showing the other person you don't need them to control your life, but by the time classes start, I feel like seeing him there (and I know he will purposefully go out of his way to be even more of a jerk) will shatter the "healing" that takes place while I ignore him completely.

 

Screw the "stay strong" mantra. When you're in college, you are there to learn. It's your job to be a student. If there's something easy you can do to focus yourself on your studies, do it. This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with advancing your learning. ;-)

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