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is it really over this time?


Lavender25
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
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Hey everyone. I've been surfing this site for a while now and decided to start a thread. I think the people on this site can give me better advice than the other site I've been using. This is a very long story, so I hope you have a cup of coffee and your fuzzy slippers on...

 

I'm a 22 years old and my ex (also 22) and I have been off and on for 6.5 years. This time we lasted 2.5 years before breaking up for the 3rd or 4th time. He broke it off because things had gotten "too stressful." We'd been having a rough year with finances, he doesn't have a car and wants to get back in school, and I'm in my last year of college. We've also been having some arguments about some of his friends. He said that he felt like I had gotten increasingly negative and felt like I was mad at him all the time. I had no idea that he felt this way and I know I've been a little out of control and I've started seeing a therapist for depression. But at the same time I'm wondering why he didn't say anything to me about it until it was too late?

 

The breakup came pretty suddenly because it happened after we received notice to vacate the apartment we had been living in for the last year (landlord wants to move into the apartment). We were given 30 days to move and broke up on the 2nd day. I thought for sure that he would move his things out as soon as possible but we both weren't completely moved out of the apartment until the very last day! Also, during that time we were able to have good conversations with each other when we weren't going in circles about the relationship and even went to lunch once.

 

Our last conversation about the relationship was almost a 3 weeks ago. I may have made a mistake by bringing it up again but I just feel like I NEED to understand. I told him that I wasn't trying to beat it to death and he said that he didn't think I was but he thought I was ignoring the fact that he thought it was best if we were apart and he thinks he made the right decision. He asked me if I thought we needed time apart and I said how I can see it being a good thing because we both have things we need to work on, but is it time apart to get over it and move on or time apart to think about what happened and work on it and get back together? I asked him if it's really over for good this time and I keep getting the same answers I've always gotten "I can't predict the future. Don't worry about if we do or don't get back together. Whatever happens, happens." But then I hear from one of his friends that he said he didn't think we'd get back together. Even then I wouldn't know what to believe because I've heard it all before.

 

I know our main problem is a lack of communication about our feelings (mostly on his part) and I really want to fix it but he seems so confused and I don't want to interfere and make it worse. I think I'm just going to give him some time and space but I don't know what to think anymore, I haven't seen/spoken to him in almost a 3 weeks, and I'm worried that it might be over for good this time. What do I do?

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We broke up June 21st. We stayed in the apartment until the last day (July 16th). He messaged me on facebook a few days later but I can't be sure if he was trying to make small talk or ask about the security deposit. I kept the conversation short and told him that I had plans and had to leave (I really didn't). If you don't count that conversation, I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost 3 weeks.

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What I understand from your post is that he doesn't want to work at it. Saying things like "we can't predict the future" is a way of letting you down gently. I know how much that hurts. But what else are you gonna do really? I'm sure you don't wanna be perceived as the "burden". Sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility right now. You must look at yourself ONLY. I'm sure you want more certainty in a partner right? You must find any inner strength and pride you've gotta keep going, that is your only option. And I know it sucks. But if you keep going it will give you a strenth that noone will ever take away from you..

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I know that I have to look out for myself and take care of my own life. I'm not opposed to that, but I really don't have a choice either. I'm about to go on vacation. My last year of college is starting soon. I'll date around.

 

I just hate this so much. I want to understand why. I felt like everything bad that happened, happened TO us and not BETWEEN us. Bad jobs, low income, not being where we want to be with our educations, and he had a few friends that were getting into our business and making it worse...

 

I've heard this "I don't know what will happen in the future" stuff before and he's never lied to me even when I thought he should. I feel like if I just give it time he will get his stuff together and circle around again. I hear he is quitting smoking and is finally enrolling in classes. Finally doing the things I suggested he do.

 

He's been my love/best friend for almost 8 years. This is too hard. It hurts so much.

Why hasn't he called?

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why hasn't he called? we don't really know, we can only speculate. Maybe he needs real time away from this, he wants to sort himself out and clearly calling you and/or suggesting you get back together is not a priority and I know how much that hurts you. I was extremely close to my ex, as a friend as well (we lived together as well) and I feel like there's a hole in me since we split up, like a lost innosense.. so I know it sucks. But we gotta keep going you know?

 

You wanna understand why and I honestly know that feeling. Like you can't believe it or accept it. Get some answers cos that way you can "control" things. Very likely you won't get the answers. But you gotta keep going and avoid tormenting yourself with these thoughts.

 

Also an on/off situation lends an aura of inevitability to a relationship believing that it's your destiny. I was there, I thought it'll never be perfect but it'll be with him. I don't know about you but in my case I was wrong.

 

About doing the things you suggested. That is SOOO TYPICAL and it pisses me off SOOOO much...I'm learning to let that go and only worry about MY progress.

 

Also bad/unfortunate things with rent, finances e.t.c happen to everyone and if the couple is strong enough they work through things together.

 

Try not to panic and don't look too far ahead, maybe things will turn out in a way you cannot predict at the moment..maybe there's a lot of great surprises on the way.

 

As they say "If you're going through hell, keep going"

 

Cyberhug Lavender, I know it's tough..

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Hi Lavender

 

I have not been here for a while I read your story , I will say that is not over just give it time work on you and get center , he will get the hint and will contact you again . So dont be sad just make your intention know and release it . if you want make a list of all that you would like to accomplish in this time appart you will be busy and he will wonder why your attention is not on him anymore . There is a post about the law of attraction in this forum it was what i needed when i was appart form my ex . We are together and have been for almost 3 months now . They call that shifting of energy when your ex notices that you are center and that they have no power over you , they start missing you and they will get in contact . works for lots and lots of people im one of them . SO cheer up , get center , work on you and you will see results if you want you can visit powerful intentions its a forum about the law of attraction there you will find that post and many like the one I mentioned . Good luck and im sending you positive energy .

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Day 19 of NC.

 

I'm having a hard time. Sometimes I feel OK, but this morning I've been having anxiety attacks off and on. Every now and then I get thoughts that I'm never going to hear from him again. He's not going to call. He's not thinking about me. He doesn't miss me. He's having the best time with me not in his life. Maybe seeing other girls including his ex that caused so much drama in our relationship....

 

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

 

And then more drama. I had a dream yesterday morning that woke me up around 5AM. I couldn't go back to sleep and I wanted to remember how I was feeling so I wrote it all down. I made it a private note on facebook and tagged 5 of my close girlfriends. The next time I check facebook is three hours later and there is a comment...from his MOTHER! I didn't tag his mother! It is then that I realize that the note isn't private at all!

 

I deleted the note immediately and called his mom. I told her that there was some confusion because I didn't tag her. She understood and said that at least she was able to help me see that it wasn't private and could delete it. I told her that I would appreciate it if she kept it to herself because I didn't want the ex to know. She said that she would and she said that they don't talk about me because we're both hurting too much for that kind of conversation. I told her that I felt like I shouldn't be talking to her because I didn't know if I could trust her. She said that she understood but she also said that just because she loves her sons doesn't mean she always "LIKES" them. What the hell does that mean? She also told me that her comment on the post said that our subconscious has a way of telling us things and she thinks I'm doing the right thing for myself by moving on. It hurt to hear that from her because I was never really sure if she wanted me to be with her son or not... but I just let the comment go.

 

Anyway, the post was up for 3 hours before I could delete it so I have no idea if he saw it or if one of his friends saw it or told him about it or if he didn't see it at all. Here is what the post said:

This is a private note. You ladies are the only ones that can see this. I tagged you because I trust you and want to share this with only YOU.

 

I just had a dream that got me OUT OF MY BED and has me typing this at 5:30 in the morning. I want to remember this dream and what I am feeling so I have to write it down. I want to remember this dream for the rest of my life.

 

August 2nd 2009

 

I just had a dream. This dream woke me up from a deep sleep. I did not cry after having this dream, though I might be having an anxiety attack right now.

 

In my dream me, the ex, a mutual friend, a girl I hardly know from high school, my roommate my freshman year of college, and a bunch of strangers were riding a bus. I don't know where we were going but we were on a bus. I don't know if the ex and I were together or not, but at some point the girl from high school tells me that the ex has been secretly seeing my roommate. I asked him if it was true and he didn't deny it. He actually didn't say anything to me at all and seemed a bit cocky

 

All of a sudden we are some place else. It looked like it could have been his mom's living room, but smaller and arranged differently. Only the ex, the mutual friend and I were there. I'm still confronting the ex about the roommate, trying to tell him what a no good, selfish brat she is but he isn't listening to me. He doesn't care. I can't remember what all he said but it seemed like she was everything that I wasn't (even though all of those things were not good qualities).

 

Weirdly enough, it came down to physical strength. He was telling me that she was a little chubbier than me but she could lift him and bench press his weight. I picked him up off of the couch and lifted him up over my head. I got on the ground and actually bench pressed him. I threw his scrawny ass up in the air and CAUGHT HIM.

 

He was surprised. Maybe even impressed. But it didn't matter. It wasn't enough.

 

I put him back on the couch and went into a RAGE. I yelled and I screamed (something I haven't really done in real life, but probably should have). I told him that he was being a stupid * * * * * * * . I tried to get him to see all of the things that I have done for him and to get him to understand that I did it all because I loved him. I tried to get him to remember all of the good times that we had. There was a TV playing behind me and I saw the ex's eyes shift to it (I don't think he would ever really do that, either), but it was so disrespectful that I slapped him and grabbed him by his face.

 

"You look at me when I'm talking to you. I am tired of this. I put my whole heart and soul into you and our relationship and, somehow, it just doesn't matter to you. I would have gone above and beyond for you. I would have taken a bullet for you. If you would have stayed with me I would have tried my damnedest to make all of your dreams come true. THAT IS WHAT LOVE IS. But I can't help you see that."

 

"One day, you will realize how much I did for you. One day you will be lost and alone and you're going to think of me and wish I were there. But I honest-to-GOD hope that I won't be there for you because as of this moment I don't want to be. When that day comes, you better pray that I am in a forgiving mood because today I don't want you anymore. I don't even want you in my life anymore. I don't need someone in my life that is going to leave me not because I did anything wrong. Not because we weren't right for each other. But because you want something or someone new. You don't know if being single or this "person" is necessarily BETTER than me, but it is NEW."

 

"I'm sick of it. I'm not going to let you do this * * * * to me anymore. When the day comes that you realize you've made a mistake, you're going to want me back. I don't know where I'll be, or how I'll feel, but on that day you are going to have to prove yourself. You are going to have to prove how much I mean to you. You are going to have to prove that you love and appreciate me and that you want me to be happy NO MATTER WHAT. I don't know how you can do this. I don't know what it will take. But when/if it happens, I'll think about it. I'll think LONG AND HARD. I don't know what the outcome will be but YOU BETTER PRAY."

 

"But until that day comes... I DON'T GIVE A * * * * ."

 

I really hope that I can live up to the strong, powerful women that I was in this dream. I have a history of being weak and not getting angry when I should have. I hope that when this day comes (and I really hope it does) that I will be strong enough to not take crap when I know that I deserve more.

 

Now I'm going to watch the sunrise.

 

Do I have anything to be worried about?

 

I'm so confused. I want to be strong and stand up for myself but I still want him to call....

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Getting sick of his facebook statuses. Most of them imply that he is having the time of his life.

 

Why can't I stop myself from peeking?

 

Honestly you need to delete him from your fb, looking at his page, over analyzing what each comment/status/picture says/means, sometimes we look so much into things at stuff which aren't even there. Be strong and delete it, otherwise you're going to be feeling the same as you do now over and over again.

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Well unfortunately, NC would be best for now. I don't know about everyone else, but social networking sites can be cruel. I have deleted all of mine to refrain from reading into things that people post on there.

 

Nobody knows what's going to happen. As much as everyone on here would like to tell you that you will get back together, we don't know. And I'm sure, your ex may not know either.

 

Just stay NC for now and follow your logical instincts, not your emotional ones. If you still want to be with him after a good amount of time has passed and are willing to accept possible rejection by talking to him again, then you know that you are ready to take that step.

 

Good luck and let us know what happens

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Getting sick of his facebook statuses. Most of them imply that he is having the time of his life.

 

Why can't I stop myself from peeking?

 

Take him off your facebook and block him. It is the only way to help get over the ex. Really annoys me when people complain that they can't stop looking and then won't block them.

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