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Is it possible not to get 'friendzoned'?


stabilo

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Are there any ways of reaching out without being 'friendzoned'? I.E. keeping at LC, rather than regular contact. In other words, are there things you can do or say perhaps now and again, to encourage them to warm up to you? Perhaps funny emails, jokes etc

 

I've had contact from my ex quite a lot in the last 2 months. Each time, she has initiated but a lot of the time I've kinda cut it short or the conversation doesn't continue. Sometimes I've been cold, and I haven't asked her "how are you?" once; instead I'll just say "hope things are fine" for example. I'm trying to play it cool, but its such a hard balance because if I knew how she is feeling (and I don't want to ask in order to avoid bad news) I can try harder. Until then, I do nothing because I'm kinda in limbo, trying to move on but I don't want to let go because I want to be with her. But the urge to do something is killing me!!! I ended the last contact, but she started it. Do I have to wait for her again?

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Even if you want it back (friendship or a relationship), that wont happen until its gone.

As i said before, in order to let water flow to you, you must first let it flow from you

 

What i take from this, is even though i wouldnt mind another chance, i am NC and thats the way it shal remain until its all gone. Only then if its meant to be, will it come back again...if we tried now, or i let her off the hook and forgave her and we became 'friends', that would never work.......if that makes sense?!

 

OR you could just ignore her!! Make her see what life is REALLY like without you in it,,,that's whayt im doing

 

Dont be afraid, trust in the process

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I never thought of 'friendzone' applying to exes... the friendzone is what happens when someone just can't think of you as a dating partner. Your ex can, because you did date.

 

I suspect that virtually all breakups that occur due to loss of interest or feelings are irreversible. Of the reversible breakups -- those that occur due to an overreaction to temporary hard feelings relating to a fight -- whether or not you get back together has nothing to do with being friends.

 

So, if you want to be friends with your ex, because you actually want to be friends with your ex, you should do it. But if you want to get back together with your ex, and it sounds like you do, you probably don't really want to be friends, because being friends really entails being 'just' friends.

 

If I were you, I'd stay in NC/LC until/unless she says shes that she made a huge mistake, that she wants to get back together, or that shes second-guessing her decision to leave. Otherwise, ignore her until you really aren't interested in getting back with her (a good litmus test for that is this: if she asked you to get back together, you would say no).

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You can't spend all of your time focused on what your ex is thinking and how your actions will/won't affect her. It's just no way to live. My advice would be that if you can't be a real, genuine friend to her, and that you have ulterior motives, then don't be her friend. Think about what you want, not what she wants.

 

I know you don't want to let go, but you have to. Realize that you're willingly sacrificing your peace of mind for someone who has already made it clear that they don't want to be with you. That sort of self-sacrifice is not healthy, nor is it attractive. She's living her life, doing what she wants to do, and you're hung up on her every word and action.

 

People warm up to you by choice, not because you said or did the right things. If you give her the parts of the relationship she liked (being available, talking to her, letting her share her feelings, etc) without the relationship itself, then it is likely she'll never take time to reflect on your worth in her life.

 

I've been where you are, and that state of limbo you're in feels incredibly unnatural and isn't your true self. If she isn't interested in being with the real you, flaws and all, then she's not worth wasting your time on. There's likely plenty of girls who would jump at the opportunity to have this kind of attention from you. Stop giving it to someone who doesn't appreciate it.

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If you are hanging on every word, every communication, every potential though of hers, then it means that you're reacting to her rather then just acting. In general, people aren't fond of this, and they can sense it almost instantly.

 

You have to snap out of this mode of thinking. Keep just acting how you will, and don't wait for her to be your lead dance partner. It will likely just annoy her in the end. Stand up for yourself and keep standing up for yourself, and do what YOU want to do and not what you imagine she might want you to do.

 

The "how do I play it perfectly to get her back" game almost never works. The "I'm going to do what I want and love doing it" game sometimes gets the girl.

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Once you dont care (much) if you get back together with her she will never be able to "friend-zone" you. I think you should LC only with her initiating, until you get over her. Then you can call her all you like. Right now you are playing the game(do I call, how many times, exactly what do I say, how do I act..etc), sometimes you can win the game like that but rarely. Because right now she has the upper hand, if she gives you any indication she wants to get back you will be all over it(sure you may play it cool the first few times, but eventually you run full steam into it if she continues) and that will normally wreck things. You need to let go, once you do that you have an even field or possibly the upper hand depending on how confident you are. By let go, I mean realize you lost her...she goes back into the "dating pool" you have the same chance with her as you do with a random woman you just met. When you only have that level of expectation you'll play your cards right and you wont need to ask how many times do I call and all that stuff.

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All very good advice - thanks guys. I'll just have to bite my tongue and remain out of her life. The only way I can imagine us being friends, is years down the line and right now, I don't want to be friends - she is the one for me; I've never been so sure of anything. I'd take a NEW relationship with her straightaway, because we have hardly any issues to resolve. But that just isn't on the cards at the moment.

 

Am I wrong, to have not asked once how she is truly feeling in the last 5 months? I've always tried to gauge her feelings by her contact approach, and its always proved to be right; that she is not ready or wanting to open up. What I'm trying to say is that she has acted like we never happened, and I haven't made that much of an attempt to truly understand how she was feeling. In the beginning, I was far too shocked and hurt to ask, and then time went by and she was acting very cold towards me so I decided contact was a no-go, but then in the last 2 months she has been contacting me, although not once has she mentioned 'us'.

 

I do really want to be with her. I'm finding it so hard to move on. I haven't seen any girl who comes close to her yet . Maybe her beauty is something that is being over-glorified in my own mind, but all I know is that in the 2 years I knew she was the most beautiful girl (in all aspects) I am ever gonna meet. I don't mean to sound shallow. Do you think its strange that neither of us have called each other, in the last 5 months? Our only conversations have been via text, email and AIM. I say this because for 2 years she was always so eager to speak to me, always texting, calling etc and it just stopped overnight (understandably because we were broken up, but I just can't believe I haven't had one "I miss you" even when I was the only person she has ever fallen in love with, and she was head over heels with me. I guess something burst that bubble...).

 

I have made it easy for her by not contacting her. I think in my case NC was a bad idea. Her break-up reasons were so mixed up they still confuse me today 5 months on, and I truly believe I should have tried to understand how she was feeling, rather than me, because my feelings weren't the problem. I care for her more than anything, but I've acted in the complete opposite way. How shall I approach this, if she contacts me again? (Re:Soul Bear) - I could ignore her I guess, but don't really want to anymore. At the same time, I need to be more neutral and I just don't know how to get there. I just want to show how much I truly care for her without seeming needy or desperate.

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you can't tell her how much she means to you without coming accross as needy. And you know what? Humans are needy people. We just are.

 

You're in a tough spot. I don't think NC was a bad idea, and I certainly wouldn't be the one initiating contact just yet.... maybe you can move things along by suggesting a phone conversation next time she initiates contact. Maybe something like - "I'd love to chat, but I am heading out.... mind if I call you on my way to the party? (or wherever)"

 

Then call, and don't mention the relationship, but be upbeat. Hopefully this will break the ice. From there, baby steps. Tough situation. At least she initiates contact.

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