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how do I get the pain to go away?


KATIE89

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I need some advice guys... how do I get this undescribable pain to go away?? My boyfriend and I are not doing well and I feel like our relationship is slipping right through my fingers. The feeling of me ever losing him hurts so much. I cant sleep and I cant get this worry to go away. I have done everything I can think of to try to fix our relationship. What do I do?? I just cant let go though.He means so much.

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what have you done to fix it?

have you simply talked to him about how you feel and how the relationship is going?

 

the biggest things i feel you can do to save or maintain a relationship, is honesty and communication. if you talk to him and find out why he is not happy and he is honest, you can work on it. if your unhappy, you have to be honest and tell him.

 

if you guys talk about it, and are honest, if the relationship is capable of being saved, and you guys are willing to work hard, it will be saved. if you guys talk and he is gay, well you cant do anything about that, even if you wanted.

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I wish I knew the answer besides letting time pass. I have been through several break ups of long term relationships in my life and it always is incredibly painful, and the knowledge that time will heal the wound, while true, doesn't seem to make much of a difference before that time actually passes.

 

Easier said than done, of course, but I think its probably true that it is not optimal to depend on someone else for one's happiness. I know this, and yet I'm not sure fully how to put this into effect. A good deal of the pain of a breakup comes from a feeling of loss, a sad awareness of the fact that the future once imagined and hoped for will not actually come to fruition. I think that once you acknowledge that your future is not going to include your ex, and find a way to still be happy about that future, the pain is gone.

 

The pain is a good thing though, in a way, because it tells you that you are capable of deeply loving someone, and it tells you that you are capable of seeing a happy future. It hurts precisely because you saw a happy future. It is also a good thing because it gives you a chance to really figure out how to be happier. Think about it this way -- there is nothing certain about another person. They could betray you, they could lose interest, they could get killed in an accident, they could die of an illness, etc. Obviously, any healthy person will be sad when this happens to someone they love, but if you let yourself take responsibility for at least a good percentage of your own happiness, you will always have some kind of reserve to carry you through traumatic situations like this. Things like this will always hurt, but you can use the pain right now to figure out how to make it hurt less in the future.

 

Relationships work best when they are between two happy people who make each other even more happy. You should be with someone who fulfills the things in life that you are already happy about, rather than with someone who makes up for your emotional deficits.

 

Although I dunno -- I'm feeling really really low right now, so this really is easier said than done. But experience does tell me that time really will heal this wound, and probably more than anything else, that is my comfort right now.

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hes deffinetly not gay.. but thanks for the laugh. But when I came in this relationship I had no clue that I would fall for him the way I did. I have been so sopportive of all of his dreams and goals. but he has just been so distant lately.

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The answer is to have time apart -for both of you to think and have a chance to miss each other. If you don't miss each other, then it cannot go on. You have to let something go to see if it's really yours so to speak.

 

Sometimes, when things are going wrong, we can talk and talk about it but it all becomes muddled and we cannot see what is really wrong - only time apart can do that.

 

I know you are in pain, but I think you should suggest, or just tell, to your boyfriend that you are hurting so much at the thought of your relationship ending, tell him you love him and want it to work, but you feel that time apart is needed to give each other time to think about what each person really wants and to make things clearer about what might be wrong. It could do wonders, or it might not. Either way, you will know and will have to accept whatever the outcome is.

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Is something going on in his life which is stressing him lately? Like school, work or family problems? Guys do tend to act a little distant when they have problems. Ask him what the matter is, and what you can do to help him cope.

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thank you. I just cant picture myself without him. I have these times where I get so worked up and start worrying myself like crazy. I havent been able to sleep and I have to make myself eat because my appitite is absolutly gone. I stay sick to my stomech, I dont think i can get through this alone.

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Is something going on in his life which is stressing him lately? Like school, work or family problems? Guys do tend to act a little distant when they have problems. Ask him what the matter is, and what you can do to help him cope.

 

Yes I understand that he is going to be distant because of other things going on but he doesnt open up to me at all.

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Sometimes when a breakup happens, it means that one person has already detached him/herself emotionally from the relationship. And sometimes, relationships cannot be fixed. I agree with mca1975 that you should take time to be apart for a specific amount of time to re-evaluate the relationship, and each other.

 

Also, at the point of breaking up, the person who wants to salvage the relationship will always be the one who cannot imagine a life without their significant other. I was once that person. There was a lot of heartache and heartbreak and lies and betrayal. But now I am glad that it happened and am much happier without him, and can't imagine that I once thought I couldn't be without him.

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Sometimes when a breakup happens, it means that one person has already detached him/herself emotionally from the relationship. And sometimes, relationships cannot be fixed. I agree with mca1975 that you should take time to be apart for a specific amount of time to re-evaluate the relationship, and each other.

 

Also, at the point of breaking up, the person who wants to salvage the relationship will always be the one who cannot imagine a life without their significant other. I was once that person. There was a lot of heartache and heartbreak and lies and betrayal. But now I am glad that it happened and am much happier without him, and can't imagine that I once thought I couldn't be without him.

 

Thank you. I just have to think positive and try to get through this the best I can. Is it normal to feel like you cant breath and you hurt everywhere, have no motivation to do anything and to feel like my world is crashing down?

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Thank you. I just have to think positive and try to get through this the best I can. Is it normal to feel like you cant breath and you hurt everywhere, have no motivation to do anything and to feel like my world is crashing down?

 

Totally normal. You feel sick in the chest and in the stomach. There was also a time when I can't bring myself to eat from the pain (and I really like food). But it will only last for as long as you allow it to last. I find that being with people helps, because it is only when you're alone you feel "sick".

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Totally normal. You feel sick in the chest and in the stomach. There was also a time when I can't bring myself to eat from the pain (and I really like food). But it will only last for as long as you allow it to last. I find that being with people helps, because it is only when you're alone you feel "sick".

 

yes that is true. I want us both to be happy again, if only fairytales were true.

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hes deffinetly not gay.. but thanks for the laugh. But when I came in this relationship I had no clue that I would fall for him the way I did. I have been so sopportive of all of his dreams and goals. but he has just been so distant lately.

 

Hehe that was just an example of something even if you knew, and wanted to change/fix you could not.

 

Again have you talked to him about him being distant? im sure its a little weird and almost scary to just flat out ask him, but its the best way to get the best answer.

 

dont just sit there, expecting a break up, do something to change it. I would rather ask him whats up why he has been acting funny lately, him laugh at me tell me im dumb, etc. Rather than sitting there knowing its coming, and still do nothing, then he dumps me.

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