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How to COPE with my ABUSIVE DRUNK DAD?


Withfield

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This is my first post and I'll try to make it short. (pardon for my english)

I remember myself growing up in abusive environment where my dad is alchoholic and he even admits it. The whole drinking problem started even before I was born as my mom said. He used to physically abuse the whole family especially my mom, she is such a strong willed person but I don't know somehow she manages to cope with the problem. (maybe because of the asian culture). Around 10yrs ago there was an accident which my dad almost lost his life during his another abuse. The accident happened when he was throwing everything what came into his hands, and my mom couldn't handle her emotions and threw a plate near him. As a result the pieces of the plate cut his neck, he lost alot of blood and he became disabled which his left arm was paralyzed at that time. Through the rehab now his arm is healed completelly. And when he drinks now which is almost the half of the week, he brings up the topic saying that my mom intented to kill him. (>_

 

Now I'm 25 and the problem is still exists. Dispite of his age he drinks almost 3-4 days straight during the week. I don't know how his body handles this or how he manages it without getting fired from his job. I'm almost 100% if me and my mom leaves him, he will be a bum with roof over him. But the thing is that I get very very nervouse or the feeling scared when he isn't home, because he is almost 100% is drunk if he isn't home around 7pm. I just can't handle the stress knowing that he will be abusive once he gets home. I believe mom has the same issues as I am. . I really want to leave this place taking my mom with me, but the problem is that we can't afford to buy another apartment right now, perhaps another year.

I'm not very gifted nor have higher education diploma. 3yrs ago I was accepted to prestigiouse university with scholarship in abroad but I happen to drop out because I wanted to try different things and ended up coming back after 2yrs. Since then I was seriously commited to trading and now there is two banks who want to employ me as a trader but I have another year to make for another apartment. Now he is saying that I'm worthless piece of sh$t that I couldn't finish my studies, and he even admits that he wants his money back allocated to me. Sometimes I really hate him, everything he uses, everything he wears, even his smell is nasty. am I cruel of wishing his death? I just mentally can't handle this. As I get old I get more cruel and cold hearted and I even feel it in myself. Meditating that "everything is well" doesn't get me anywhere. Sometimes it works and I feel different person until he comes back drunk. I'm kinda scared that I can't control myself laying hands on him sometimes, but you know in Asian culture you can't beat your dad or leave him in this situation because of my relatives would think us as cruel by leaving him alone. But he will never quit drinking. What am I supposed to do?

I know he will be drunk today too. (>_

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He deserves to be alone. You and your family should leave as soon as you can afford it.

I dont know of any way to help you get out before you can afford it on your own, im sorry.

 

Im religious, so i think i understand your asian culture and how your not supposed to leave him or your relatives will think, say, do bad things. Im sorry but if i were in your shoes, i would be out as soon as i could.

 

Family/relatives should understand the kind of person he is and that it is best for you all to be away from him.

 

I hope something changes for you and you can take yourself and your mom away from him.

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Im not sure where you are ...if you are in the us or in another country...but if you are in the usa......here is what you can do......get OUT now! you and your mom pack a bag and go to a womens shelter....they can protect you both and help you get on your feet....and into a safe home. They can even help you get more educated in a specific field thus...a job. you are a grown adult now...and you dont have to stay there. If you do..theres no telling what kind of shape you or your mom will end up in.....he needs help and if he doesnt get it...he's gonna drink himself to death whether it be through alchohol or drunk driving etc. If you have anything you can sell ....sell it and save that money. Look into your local battered womens resources....im sure you can find something. then he can stay alone and have his alcohol without you or his wife. Alcohol can control any and everything...and it looks like it has a hold of him with no intentions of letting go. If his family means anything to him..he'll seek help. but he has to hit bottom first.

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i think you need to find a big friend. and when i say big i'm talking like 7 feet tall 250 260 lbs and someone that can physically beat the heck out of your dad. dont have them do it. but just someone that can be there so that if he starts being abusive he can be forcibly restrained. and then i would find a time when he is sober and thinking clearly, then have you and your mom sit down with him (with the big guy there to make sure things dont get out of control and he doesnt leave) and tell him that he needs to stop drinking or you will leave.

 

another thing you could do is call the police out when he comes home drunk. that way they can come over to the house and if he decides to be abusive they can take him off to jail. you mentioned asian culture as a possible reason as to why you mom can put up with this, so i would assume that getting put in jail because you are drunk is probably frowned upon. and after a while law enforcement will get tired of having to arrest him and they will make him do something to stop drinking. that way you dont have to just deal with it for the next year and you can still have ur home without the abuse

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If you and your mom are in danger you need to leave. If you and your mom are only verbally abused you still need to leave. If it makes you feel any better, leave a note that says you will call once a week and when he's been sober for a month straight you will consider returning.

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