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I'm worried about my girlfriend, please help


Raven TM

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I have known my girlfriend for about 2 years now, but it's more of an online relationship because we technically have never met. Our relationship is over-the-phone and online. We've had our ups and downs but we both love each other very much. Recently she feels very depressed. She tries to push me away by acting out and saying/doing things she doesn't mean. I love her very much and would do anything in my power for her. She's aware of this but can't explain why she does it. I compliment her and do everything I know how (without actually being with her) to make her feel better about herself. She doesn't feel like she deserves me, and she blames herself for anything that happens. Her parents are divorced, her mom an alcoholic and she has few friends. I always suspected this as a problem as I've tried to make her feel apart of my family and tell her how important she is. But no matter what I say she still feels guilty and not worthy of happiness. I recommended that she talk with a professional, and she reluctantly remains quiet. I think her feeling of trust is almost non-existent as she won't fully open up to me or anyone that I know of. When she gets in her depressive states she tries to break-up our relationship out of guilt, and I fight to convince her otherwise. I'm worried she's going to severely hurt herself as she talks of cutting herself. Because she lives so far away it's limited to what I can do and I need some advice so I can make some good decisions to help her. That's all i care about.

 

*Edit* We are both young, I 18 and her 16, but by no means are we immature. I have felt for awhile that she is "the one" I made plans to visit her this past June but because of financial issues, was unable to. However, I've been saving up and I'm hoping to visit her to know more in late august. She's really down right now, how can I know she'll hold on till August which will answer any questions about our relationship? To be honest, I don't question that I love her, I feel you don't need to meet a person directly to have a love connection. What can I do to help her and make things right.

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Two years is a long time to have a "relationship". How about one of you think about relocating if you really think this bond is so important. Beyond that, if she's threatening to cut then you're in for a long, long rode ahead of you. Decide if she's worth it, and then look to change your lives. No one is going to stay in a 5 year relationships if they've never met each other. The time is now or never. I'd recommend acting now if when you survey your feelings you decide that she's really "the one".

 

Don't wait chap. The time is now.

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Ditch the computer and go see her. May I ask how you make her feel a part of your family? Do you take the phone with you to the dinner table?

 

I don't envy her or your situation but it seems that if you really want to help her and make a difference, then you have to make some serious changes.

 

This relationship doesn't sound healthy.

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Don't have a "girlfriend" until you turn 25. Jesus look at how naive you sound. You're not man enough to have a girlfriend at this age, nor should you. Keep it a friendship thing and focus on your career, so you can make money to support a relationship as a man.

 

As for her, she's needy and totally enjoys the attention you're giving her. She is still going thru puberty at 16. No school, no direction.. Totally lost. What you can do for her is stay away and let her mature and stop playing girlfriend/boyfriend.

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I'm not querying that you might love her, but you can't maintain this relationship without some strong foundations, and i'm sorry, but that doesn't happen online or over the phone.

 

I do somewhat agree with wayoverit, you're in way over your head with this.

 

However, I have to disagree with the 'Don't have a "girlfriend" until you turn 25". That is so out of date. I am 22 and to be married next year, we have a very financially stable lifestyle and good careers.

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You all are giving great advice and I appreciate it, that's why I came on here in the first place.

 

So are you recommending we become friends until we have stable lives as adults? And if so, maybe try re-kindling something?

 

You mentioned her still going through puberty and I've realized that. but are you saying that she isn't in love? And the whole situation is too much for her?

 

If you were me and loved this person with all your heart, would you go visit her to figure things out and make sense of the relationship?

 

I've already started college and am working a part-time job in the meantime, by no standards but your own does that make me any less of a man than anyone else.

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My point is both of you are very young and not ready for a lover relationship but simply a great caring friendship. Don't mistake that for a lover relationship. One party being overly dependent on another is unhealthy to either party going forward. And that is what she's doing to you. There is really not much you can do to help her grow up. Just being there as a caring friend is all you can provide her if you want both of you to come out of this sane. Otherwise both of you will continue to be miserable and go nowhere. If you ever decides to go see her, it should be for a happy occasion, such as celebrating Thanksgiving or Christmas or her Birthday, and not for answering her lonely/lost cry for attention. Good luck.

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thanks wayoverit, that's what most of my friends are saying and elders.

 

 

I'm still looking for a woman's opinion on the topic of being us both underage and her using me in the sense she's craving attention and needy. Any thoughts?

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If you were me and loved this person with all your heart, would you go visit her to figure things out and make sense of the relationship?

If I were you I would take a BIG step back and try very very hard to be very mature and honest about this..You have formed a co dependant ONLINE relationship..these stories of people online falling in love without meeting usually tell a much deeper story more often than not of 2 people with incredibly low self esteem, or often people that have been emotionally wounded or recently very hurt and are vulnerable, feeling needy and lonely. It is a very "safe" trap to fall into. You are already fighting to save this relationship with someone you have not spent one minute of your life with nor even met in person!!..This is not sound mentally or emotionally. yes you can grow very fond of someone online but totally in love!!! How can that possibly happen if you have a well balanced outlook on building a healthy relationship on strong foundations. test her out tell her your coming to see her in the next couple of weeks see if she creates distance panics or makes excuses for this not to happen. This young girl has a turbulent family history and possibly a cutter, So she has a lot of internalised pain. I think you are over invested in a fantasy not reality with a already problematic relationship/ friendship. To date this girl is a picture on a screen, a voice and written words. have a think about this.. How are you spending your free time.?? Do you have lots of friends? and are you out socialising and meeting new people? or are you holed up at home in your bedroom on a pc wasting your youth...Think about this..seriously....And No I do not think she is in love, not at all, I think she is confused, emotionally unstable possibly has severe depression, distrustful, has a sense of low self worth and esteem and is basically far too young, needy and inexperienced in life and love, along with her poor role models(parents) to have any concept much at all how to conduct a healthy relationship without proper guidance and possible therapy...I also suspect you are vulnerable and needy and have become overly dependant on this girl also..I am sorry to say this relationship has many odds stacked against it. Distance AND the fact you have never met are just two of the obvious. there are many more. perhaps you need to re consider this with some serious thinking about not just now. the future and what your real needs are.. good luck to you..

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Bear in mind that although you have no doubt you are in love, you may be in love with a fantasy rather than the real person. Normally two years in, you have fought, you have holidayed, you have met extended family and you are therefore grounded in reality. None of this has yet happened for you.

 

Some people have fallen in love online to find out that the young woman was a middle-aged man! You don't really know anything about her, only what she has chosen to tell you. You may feel you know everything about her, but you really don't.

 

Spending time is a good idea, except that you yourself have brought up the 'underage' issue. If she is vulnerable and you are longing to see her, just DON'T spend time together alone in an environment where sex could happen, because it will really really mess things up if you go that route right now. It stirs emotions and forms bonds - and however you feel now, you may find that you actually feel relief when you wave her goodbye after your visit, and the your relationship has run its course.

 

Be open to your feelings - your real feelings about her when you meet. Observe your gut reaction. Listen to doubts. Ask questions. Your family and friends sound supportive - LET them be.

 

Good luck.

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