My relationship is going backwards.

[dorie09]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly five years. We met in college and our relationship was great...until graduation. His post-grad plan was to stay with his parents for a few months until he found a job and could save up some money. They'd moved while he was in school so he hadn't spent much time in their new town, but we both thought it would be fun to get a fresh start in a new place.

 

I found a job nearby and began making plans to move. I was disappointed (okay, crushed) when he didn't suggest that we get a place together, but I held out hope that we could do so when he had a job and some money ahead.

 

That was two years ago.

 

He is still working part-time, living at home (which turned out to be almost an hour away from mine), and doesn't have any money or idea of what he wants to do with his life. We see each other an average of one day a week, sometimes less...and we used to spend every day together. I dread going to work, but the money is good and the job market here is dismal. Oh, and I have no friends within a 250-mile radius.

 

I never imagined I would feel so paralyzed and alone at this point in my life. Our old friends have moved on and up in life to great jobs, getting engaged and married...and I'm scared that my relationship is going nowhere and never will. I know that this is not where he wanted to end up, either, but I worry that he is not motivated enough to change or else he would have by now. He has said that he wishes we'd just stayed where we were and moved in together, but that clearly doesn't solve anything.

 

I can't seem to talk about the situation without saying hurtful things to him that ruin our limited time together, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Any suggestions or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

[larryburst]

Just a quick letter of support... it sucks when work and post college crisis (alot of people, especially guys, seem to go through that) get in the way of love. It happens to alot of people, sure happened to me. There's not much to be done except encourage him to do the things he enjoys and yourself too. Both of you need to break out of the cyce you are in, hopefully together. I'd suggest you both go to a therapist (trust me, if you find a good one, it'll help) and maybe go to couple's counseling... You have to express your love and commitment but with a strong sign of support. Explore what he wants to do in life together and support him in the search and get excited with him when he finds something. . . it may not work out, he's stuck but it doesnt mean you have to be. it doesnt mean you have to break up either. pressure and guilt won't really help right now, i dont think, but kind support ("nudging") may.... i really hope he sees someone because it seems to me he's stuck and needs to be a little happier in life before he can begin to make any major life changes, before he can begin to take risks again.

 

i wish you the best of look! if you ever wanna talk some more about it, feel free to PM me.

 

cheers.

[dorie09]

Thank you so much for your kind response. I tried to talk it out with him over dinner last night, but every time I would steer the conversation toward something specific that he could do, he just kept saying, "I don't know what to do." But he clearly does. I've tried so hard to help him with things like budgeting and job hunting and even keeping his room clean, and he just doesn't follow through.

 

I even told him (in detail) about how hard it is for me to watch everyone else we knew moving on with their lives. He agreed. And then he started saying things like how he was a loser and I should break up with him. And that he didn't date anyone else before me so he didn't know if he could commit to me. And that he wasn't sure if he could ever get married to anybody because of how messed up his life is right now.

 

The thing is, I don't want to get married right now. I told him that. I just wanted to know that he did someday, but I guess he told me everything I need to know last night.

 

And yet, I still don't know what to do. I feel like such a fool.