Arguing and loving

[getting_on_ok]

If you argued a lot, but you felt like you really loved that person. Do you think that there are any chances of getting back together? My Ex and I argued a lot however, when times were good they were good. I use to break up with her a lot and then get back together right after. She would do somethings that would really errrk me and then we have an argument and break up. Finally she broke up with me and I have been doing NC for about 5 weeks. She told me to contact her when I was better. Is there any chance or did NC destroy it.

[gidget1]

NC didn't destroy it, if you're both NC then this gives you great time to think about the relationship, eachothers commitment, etc.

The only way you'll get back together is if you work out why you argue so much, why you choose to just break up insteadof sorting it out, and what your differences are.

Is there a reason you argue so much? Is there any point to arguing? Sometimes you have to pick your battles.

[Mellie]

I guess there's only one way to find out... but what were the things that errked you? Were they little things, or things that would still bug you now? I think although you've only been broken up for a relatively short amount of time (although it probably won't feel that way), if you did get back together, you'd have to take things right back to the start. I know you can't rewrite history (unfortunately!), and forget everything that's happened, it would be important that you forgave one another, put it behind you and started afresh.

 

It does concern me though that she told you to contact her 'when you're better'. Was you really to blame for all the arguments? When you look back and think about all the good times, it's easy to think of all the things you've done wrong and blame yourself for things not working out.

[faithful14]

i think there is a chance of reconciliation between you guys. Before you try to get back together, its important for you both to find a way to stop arguing over little things. You have to find a way to resolve conflicts or agree to disagree on the subject.

[getting_on_ok]

Two things her, the reason why I would break up was because she would stare at other men and maybe that not a big deal but I felt like it was a respect issue, and I told her about it. And she kept on doing it, As well as confiding in other men, and telling everybody about our arguments. The one big thing is while I did no contact her birthday came up. I sent a cute card and said hope all is well Love N. She text me and says thank you for the card. I ask her how everything is going. She says good thank you I am going out, take care. Her birthday was on a Friday on Sunday she drops off my stuff, (i am at work) and leaves a note I thought you might want your stuff hope all is well, A. I sent a text saying thank you, and she just says your welcome.

[getting_on_ok]

Oh I also had trouble with her mood swings, and I guess I could of been a little insecure as well. But the staring at men was triggering.

[Mellie]

I know those mundane, day to day little conversations you have - you know the polite chit chat thing - just really do my head in when you want (well, I did) some sort of meaningful conversation and clear up some of the issues... But if you want to get back together, I've read elsewhere that's the last thing you should do is pour your heart out - initially at least.

 

My ex used to look at other women, and I had an issue with that. I felt like if he loved me, why would he be doing it, particularly when I made it clear I found it hurtful. I know a man can be 100% in love with a woman, doesn't mean he won't find another woman attractive. But if he's sitting there oggling, right in front of you... Well, for me, that's sending out a signal.

 

I really don't think this was all your fault. I don't think you should blame yourself.

[Maya_A]

What you both need are better conflict resolution skills. Seems you are using breaking up as your main "conflict resolution" method. Enough times of this & it can damage a relationship beyond repair.

 

If you reconcile again, this time maybe try making up an agreement to set a time line (say, 9 months or whatever) where no matter what, breaking up is not an option. And also where giving space & not talking for more than 24 hrs. isn't either.

 

On top of that, each learn better ways of speaking with one another when trying to resolve something. As another said, also choose your battles very, very carefully. So many times, in fact most, arguments are tied into individual ego & "power" about ego & 'power". Most of the time it is over the silliest things, though legit things sometimes but where a quick discussion worded the right way with the right energy would clear things up nicely in a few minutes.

 

Good luck

[thistime]

Is there a reason why all arguments lead to a break up? My SO and i argue, and sometimes they are pretty heated, but we dont break up each time. We usually give each other time to cool down..be that apart, or just by not talking for awhile, and then later maybe either try to discuss, or one agrees to disagree/suceed.

You may need to learn how to 'fight fair" if you are going to reconcile...

[getting_on_ok]

That would be great but should I contact her when she was so cold and does dropping off my stuff and being so cold mean that she has someone else?

[Maya_A]

I just read another of your messages.

 

Yes - I do think overt, blunt, consistent ogling behavior is disrespectful... Also, confiding in others (particularly of the opposite sex) about your arguments is a big 'no-no'.

 

I hope she is someone you feel you can have a meaningful conversation with. That she is emotionally mature enough to be able to talk about these things & care enough to come to a resolution. Again, if you reconcile. It looks like it is hard to say at this point.

 

Again, I do wish you well with it.

[getting_on_ok]

from a womens perspective, what do you think about the cold texting and dropping off my stuff? And remember she hasn't tried to contact me in 5 weeks

[Mellie]

She could be put out that you haven't contacted her. Or it could be any number of things. That's what I mean about those little snippets of conversation - you try to read so much into it when you just can't tell what's going on in their head from a six word sentence, and you'll drive yourself crazy trying, trust me!!

 

Good luck whatever you decide, but if you want to call her, I think you should. If she is with someone else, that'll be really hard on you, but it's the her being with someone else that's hard, not the finding out (does that make sense). If she is, you need to know and start moving on.

[Maya_A]

what do you think about the cold texting and dropping off my stuff? And remember she hasn't tried to contact me in 5 weeks

 

How do your break-ups usually go? Is the returning of your stuff & 5 weeks of non contact very different than usual?

 

When you usually reconcile, is it mostly one person of the two of you that begins the process & continues to try to get things back together or does it fluctuate between the two of you kind of equally-ish?

[getting_on_ok]

One important detail, I saw the break up coming, because she wasnt calling as much or texting. She was distant, and wasnt laughing at any of my jokes. And she kept on telling me she was sad from all the break ups. The reason why we broke up was because I told her that I feel like I cant trust her. And she said oh you cant its over then. She called me later and told me to call her when I get better. And I explained that I've been working on myself. The next day she tells me to call her counselor.

[getting_on_ok]

The next day we would be back together. And that was it I would go to her, because I would be doing the breaking up.