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4.5 year long road of despair


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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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All,

 

I am new here and just recently stumbled into this forum today. I've been out of a very meaningful relationship not for 4.5 years. im trying to let go but i cant seem to shake the memories or the emotions that came with the relationship and the breakup.

 

To note, I am an american soldier also. I was not a soldier at the time of the relationship or breakup but a college student. our break up was during junior year and i joined the military after my senior year without having finished my degree. I am ashamed to say this but i didnt join to serve, i joined to run away from her and maybe a part of me joined, in essence, to extinguish my our life.

 

I just couldnt walk around that campus any longer i just had to get away from her, the school and my home. I just recently returned from Iraq from a 15 month tour in June. I am currently home for block leave (vacation).

 

During the past 4.5 years i did manage to date another girl for a few months but we stopped dating in march while i was still in Iraq. But recently near the end of my tour in April/May up until now the memories have came rushing back like water gushing out a collapsed dam.

 

I've been having very vivid dreams of us getting into arguments, me meeting her new boyfriend and even of us reconciling and becoming a couple again.

 

A few days ago found out that on the day we broke up she had made out with an old college friend of hers. (i felt indifferent when i heard this)

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I come home and all my friends are in loving relationships.

 

I feel like im underwater an i cant seem to find the top no matter where i swim and i think im running out of air.

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You need to move on.

 

You need to try and get out there and meet new people, new girls. You could have a relationship just as good, even better someday but you have to be out in the world to do that.

 

Sometimes we glorify memories, but, as hard as it was at the time, you can get better and meet new people.

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You need to move on.

 

You need to try and get out there and meet new people, new girls. You could have a relationship just as good, even better someday but you have to be out in the world to do that.

 

Sometimes we glorify memories, but, as hard as it was at the time, you can get better and meet new people.

 

Thanks Blue, But in my line of work it is hard for me to meet someone that i am on the same level with. I have a college background and majority of the women that i would normally be interested in or have anything in common with are the all officers, i am an enlisted soldier. All of my friends are officers but its sad that after work i am not authorized to speak or to spend time with them.

 

I completely agree with you and im trying. when i was i dating it gave me fresh air and a sense of new life. but is that all there is too it?

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I don't think you should be thinking about the past anymore because it seems like it's haunting you. That kind of thinking doesn't make you move on into your new life. That girl probably doesn't even know what she's missing out on. That's not a girl for you.

 

I really think you should move on and try to date other girls. There are so many girls out there, you never know which ones would be compatible until you date them. I don't think when you're dating, fresh air and a new sense of life is not all to it. It will give you a better peace of mind definitely. You don't need nightmares or memories of the past to bother you. Moving on is the only way to get rid of those thoughts or worries.

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It sounds like you ran away from this whole thing when it happened. I think you have to stop and deal with your emotions. Let yourself feel them and ride it out. Make sure that you set up some goals in this sense though, at some point you have to stop mourning and move on, and luckily at some point time will make the pain go away.

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I don't think you should be thinking about the past anymore because it seems like it's haunting you. That kind of thinking doesn't make you move on into your new life. That girl probably doesn't even know what she's missing out on. That's not a girl for you.

 

I really think you should move on and try to date other girls. There are so many girls out there, you never know which ones would be compatible until you date them. I don't think when you're dating, fresh air and a new sense of life is not all to it. It will give you a better peace of mind definitely. You don't need nightmares or memories of the past to bother you. Moving on is the only way to get rid of those thoughts or worries.

 

Moving on is what i need to do. Its hard but i need to find a way. You're right in that i'm letting the past haunt me. Being a victim, in my case is a matter of choice. Thanks Katt.

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It sounds like you ran away from this whole thing when it happened. I think you have to stop and deal with your emotions. Let yourself feel them and ride it out. Make sure that you set up some goals in this sense though, at some point you have to stop mourning and move on, and luckily at some point time will make the pain go away.

 

You're right. looking back I did run away and im not proud of it. I was not thinking at all logical. the emotions were to intense i didn't know what to do, except to remove myself from what was causing me pain.

 

What do you recommend i do in order to face my past and to deal with it? 'm not sure how to approach this.

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These are all textbook examples of thoughts and feelings.

 

No matter what you do, initially everything will be emotionally difficult.

 

Each person finds their method of coping.

 

Indeed, for the record running away is not a coping method

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I want to run away, change cities. Im tired of where I live anyway, I want a new place to explore and actually get to experience seasons, not constant heat. I have a good job here so I will stay and try to work it out, emotionally. I still want to go though. New places and new faces.

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Some thoughts on this...

 

There are all sorts of ways to look at things. No need to look at the choices you made in the past as "running away," especially if it makes you feel bad to look at it that way. As I see it, you made choices to change your situation and to change yourself. That's a pro-active move. There are many choices one can make to try to move on, and you chose one. You have gone through a lot of training and had experiences that have added to who you are, added skills and ways to handle challenges, so you are no longer the same person you were.

 

You can continue to make choices to help you move on. Seek counseling, do journaling, develop interests, busy yourself and your thoughts with new hobbies.

 

Consider each day an experiment. Each thought, an experiment. As you experience your inner reaction to the thought, decide if that is the way you want to go, internally, or not. Then chose another thought.

 

Consider your interactions with other people as an exploration of life. Doing something with someone you normally wouldn't consider is a way to open yourself up to the possibilities of life, not necessarily looking for at partner or date, but to experience your self in a variety of activities and places and with the company of different personalities. People are deeper than our first impressions, so as you spend time with others you will discover more about them, as they will also, since your interactions may help them uncover new aspects of themselves.

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