Jump to content

Been talking to an ex, we are FWB, but well rounded advice sought...


Recommended Posts

I began speaking to an ex from a year ago (we dated for 6 months) since April. We gradually spoke more and more and finally she mentioned wanting to have me be a "fling" for "hookups" if I was ever in the area. Well we did meet up last week at a hotel and then went to a waterpark the next day. It was great fun., we acted like BF/GF, held hands, cuddled in the hot tub and so forth. Not surprisingly, some of my feelings resurfaced after hooking up a few times and spending the weekend together. That was 2 weeks ago...

 

Before our meetup, she was very strong in regards to contacting me and was quite emotionally charged sexually and showed great interest in me (We had a mutual breakup, though I officially called it off). Since our meeting, her interest has waned a little bit, or her texts seem a bit more aloof (a lot less smileys and less interest in me.)

 

Yesterday we texted back and forth a lot. Being the rookie I am, and instead of continuing to go with the flow, I basically asked her if she sees me as just a "special friend" and if so to just tell me. (I came out with this because I texted her about watching a movie together, and her responses weren't sounding very excited---almost to the point of trying to get a rise/response out of me.) She told me dating me isn't being ruled out, but told me 3 things:

 

1. She said she isn't getting "attached" this time.

2. She is "talking" to other people right now, and doesn't care if I do

3. She wants to not worry about anything, and just go with the flow (time will tell)

4. We agreed to not have sexual activity with others, and if we do, we will inform each other.

 

 

My ex was originally a very needy gf, and it seems weird she has been able to succesfully "shut off" her feelings for me and just have me for sex and casually date. I have never been in such a situation, and I can forsee one of us getting screwed and hurt in the end. Ultimately, I would like to date her again, but right now, Im pretending to agree with her wishes of being "friends" right now.

 

How do I steer this into a relationship without being needy?

 

I know I will get most people telling me not even do this relationship if my feelings will get hurt (i.e. Im good enough to screw, but not to date) but I wanna stick this out and see what happens. I feel like she was pursuing me 3 weeks ago, now Im pursuing her. The bad news is that if I pull away, she will pull the opposite way.

 

Advice???

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Someone told me I should tell her I found a new sexual partner to be with, and that her reaction would be everything I need to know as to whether or not she wants a relationship with me.

 

Hmmm

 

So you think she is just fooling herself in regards to her feelings?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think she wants to move on, but she wants to keep you on the shelf, (just in case) and she's doing a pretty good job at keeping you exactly where she wants you, not too close, yet not too far.

 

 

Why not respect yourself, take back your control, and walk away? I'm sure you do have feelings for her, but why sell yourself short? It's not fair to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

she talks a good game, but she is hooked and she doesn't even know it. For your own sake, you need to control the rules of the game.

 

I would end the FWB thing if i was you immediately. I would tell her that it is preventing you from being able to meet someone else if you are having your sexual needs met by her. Be respectful and polite but tell her it is not healthy for either of you to be doing it.

 

If you let her control the rules, you will end up hurt and rejected. Show some maturity and self control and stop the FWB thing

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You found yourself getting a bit attached.

 

Do yourself a favour and stop seeing her.

 

 

She will keep you as a backup for sex and attention, but wants to go out and meet other people.

 

Don't believe the "go with the flow" crap, any girl that utters that line and is having sex with you is directly telling you that they don't want you as a BF but as a backup.

 

Don't let yourself be used this way.

 

A FWB usually CANNOT be done from an ex because feelings from either party will start to linger. To do FWB properly, you need to distance yourself from a person, do NONE of the couple things, and find something about her that annoys you so you stay distanced. Otherwise feelings will probably grow.

 

I cannot stress enough, if you felt feelings for her after doing that, don't do it any more, the more you do it, the more harder and upset you're going to get when it finally crashes down.

 

I had an ex do the same thing recently, the feelings I had with her previously resurface, and she uttered pretty much the lines your girl uttered.

 

Funnily enough she didn't want to know about me once I told her that I am not open to the option of continuing it while seeing other people.

 

So do yourself a favour and cut her off.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know I will get most people telling me not even do this relationship if my feelings will get hurt (i.e. Im good enough to screw, but not to date) but I wanna stick this out and see what happens. I feel like she was pursuing me 3 weeks ago, now Im pursuing her. The bad news is that if I pull away, she will pull the opposite way.

 

Advice???

 

Yes. I understand you want to somehow conjure up a magic trick. I wanted to do this 2 months ago as well.

 

Unfortunately, you continue, you're probably going to end up hurt.

 

I don't get why you think your actions are needy.

 

You like her company. You like her. You have sex with her.

 

Tell me again, why is it you think of this is needy? She's an ex, she can't have changed that much since you knew her, you've already done the getting to know process, there is nothing needy in the slightest when it regards an ex.

 

I could understand a stranger, not an ex.

 

But there is no magic trick. You stick it out, she's going to string you along. Every time you try and get close, she'll conjure up a reason or excuse. If you bring out about what she wants with you, she'll string you along with I don't knows.

 

Any time you try to advance it, she's going to string you along, to keep you in the position of being a backup for sex and attention, while not committing to you, and do just enough of a good job to convince you that there may be a future for more but for the meantime the usual arrangement stays.

 

There's nothing really you can do aside from play her game, or tell her it's not on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Funnily enough she didn't want to know about me once I told her that I am not open to the option of continuing it while seeing other people.

 

So were you surprised when you cut the string and she didn't come back freaking out and wanting you on your terms? I think if I were to do this, she would be fine saying "Ok thats fine, cya later" and I would be left with nothing.

 

 

Of course she is probably using me for sex, but a sick twisted part of me doesn't mind because I have not "gotten any" in months and I figure a bit of emotional hurt (which if I can change my outlook on this whole thing to NOT caring) is worth our fun times we share.

 

Sounds stupid I know.

 

My friend thinks that if I were to see her 2 more times in the next 3 weeks, that we will end up in a relationship. Im not quite sure.

 

I do think that it is rediculous I am a backup on the shelf, and thats the only part that if I vocalize that to her, it will kill all the attraction and I will come off as needy. Either that or standing up for myself.

 

Either:

 

Sex and emotional hurt (which I may be able to get over)

No sex and no more hurt after a period of grieving

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can say this perhaps:

 

"hey, I realize I am your backup plan or what-have-you but I am removing myself from this situation as to not get hurt. hope you find what you are looking for."

 

Or maybe its better just to tell her I found a new partner to be with per my conversation.

 

....Or, just fall off the Earth

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I clung onto someone for 8 months as FWB in the hope that we would eventually get back together. I did all the things I thought I should do, I let him initiate all the contact, I never pushed for anything more than friends (well for the most part) and let him come up with all the suggestions of getting together. However looking back on it now things didn't "look" the same from his point of view. As far as he was concerned I was there for him when ever he needed/wanted me and he didn't have to worry about me when he didn't.

 

Neither of us got involved with anyone else and so generally it felt like we were dating too, as savignon suggested, but it simply wasn't ... if it were dating there would be much more romantic interaction and not been based purely on sex. As you yourself has predicted, one of us did get hurt and of course it was me, in your case it will be you.

 

What turned the situation around for me (in more ways than one) was to end the FWB. I went total NC. Now after 12 weeks my ex is back in touch with me, suggesting that we meet up and reminiscing about old times. I don't know what all this means but I don't want to head back into FWB. However in those 12 weeks I was able to focus on myself too and I have got myself to a happy place where I am OK without him. I feel strong enough now to maintain LC until the picture becomes more clearer.

 

Some posters have said that your ex is attached others have said she isnt .... tbh no-one can really know for sure how she is feeling or what she is thinking. FWB only really works when you are both on the same level and no-one is emotionally attachedn but generally in FWB someone is usually always attached.

 

I found your point No 4 interesting. You start off by saying you "have both agreed to not have sexual activity with others" but then end it by saying "AND if we do, we will inform each other". So what does that point really mean ... it kinda contradicts itself.

 

I am sorry if I am sounding negative but I have been there and it didn't serve any purpose other than to drag me in deeper emotionally and to cause me pain. I know that everyone's situation is different and you have to travel along your own journey. If you want to go ahead and continue with FWB my advice to you would be to tread very carefully. Keep an open mind as to where it is leading and try not to get in any deeper, hard tho as that will be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So were you surprised when you cut the string and she didn't come back freaking out and wanting you on your terms? I think if I were to do this, she would be fine saying "Ok thats fine, cya later" and I would be left with nothing.

 

I wasn't suprised in the slightest.

 

But I'll tell you what.

 

Rather my terms or no terms. I'm not going to be used by someone and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone if you like them, especially when you're already having sex, don't let people make you feel bad for liking someone enough to be with them.

 

 

Of course she is probably using me for sex, but a sick twisted part of me doesn't mind because I have not "gotten any" in months and I figure a bit of emotional hurt (which if I can change my outlook on this whole thing to NOT caring) is worth our fun times we share.

 

I hadn't gotten any in years, and while the sex is good, if you feel anything for her at all you're going to come to a point where you want more than the sex. You already do just now a bit, but if you continue down this path, it's going to get to a point where it will literally be unable to continue both ways, where it's going to be even harder to keep up with just sex, and the thought of cutting it off is just as hard.

 

You don't want to get to that point, because it's going to become a really big problem letting go of the fact that you won't be having sex AND that you won't get her in a relationship term, and it's going to be hard for you to bounce back positive from that point.

 

 

I do think that it is rediculous I am a backup on the shelf, and thats the only part that if I vocalize that to her, it will kill all the attraction and I will come off as needy. Either that or standing up for myself.

 

You're not needy in the slightest. You're not requiring her constant attention, you just want a normal relationship with her, and you have history with her.

 

Are you really thinking you're needy for wanting that? You make it sound as if it's a bad thing wanting to be with someone. You're only needy/clingy if you don't give someone space and focus your life solely on them, not because you want to be with them.

 

Either:

 

Sex and emotional hurt (which I may be able to get over)

No sex and no more hurt after a period of grieving

 

Look at it this way.

 

You're doing this, because you like her and want more.

She's doing this, because she wants sex and likes the attention, but doesn't want more.

 

Wheres the compromise? Don't fall into a trap of thinking that if you keep continuing, that maybe she'll change her mind, everyone falls into that trap.

 

Well it's your decision, but take the advice from everyone on the board. It's not exactly easy cutting it off, because every time you do you'll think of the sex.

 

But look at everyone posting here, they have more than likely been in the same situation and that's why we're giving you advice.

 

Edit: In regards to how you word it, it's simple. Just say something along the lines that the sex is not enough for you so you're withdrawing since it's going nowhere but sex. Don't tell her you know you're her backup plan thats a baaaaaad idea because even if we were wrong she's going to get pissed and turned off if you say something like that. Do it for your own reasons and let her know what they are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow the simlarities of the posters above to the orginal thread starter and great people giving advice is uncanning. (Basically saying my situation was similar to all of yours)

 

I would say thigns are a bit different bc I believe you said she was your ex.

However, my advice would be to end things completely. Let her feel a loss.

 

What is it with girls these days...they are not committing because they don't have to and want to keep their options open.

I went through the exactly the same thing and I should have ended it the instant she said the whole gf/bf thing freaks her out. WHATEVER then..im good enough to sleep with however not good enough to be her bf. I just ended up being hurt and being told I was defensive and weird and that she doesn't like it. It hurt so much for her to talk to me like that after she told me how much she liked me, when really it was attention and sex she craved from me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Back in 1994 - I think I was 24 then, my boyfriend and I broke up. I tried to do the FWB for a while after that, and after a few times, it just ended up where I realized I didn't even want him for sex.

 

At the time, I thought, oh, it will be nice to just have sex and some friendship without any complications.

 

Looking back, I was just too scared to be alone and I rationalized that into thinking a FWB would work for me. I didn't have the self-confidence to move on.

 

I think if people try to do FWB after a relationship, it just means that there are latent feelings and insecurities on either or both sides. Not sure what sort of happy ending can come from such a situation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...