For All Those Feeling Jealous

[Simplicity1]

About a week ago, I came accross this amazing article on ENA, if you haven't read it yet, it's sure worth a read. It helped me so much!

 

 

 

After reading this article I laid in my bed for a good two hours just staring at my ceiling and walls thinking about all of the emotions I was feeling and pinpointing why, or to what relating thing the emotion was related to. It was a really interesting experience. See, I never looked at "jealousy" as several emotions tied into one. I wrote a letter to my boyfriend of everything I was thinking/feeling afterwards (after having an understanding of why I had those feelings). ...and I even recorded myself reading the letter to him as so he won't get bored with all the words on the page (it was really long!). He listened/read along to every word and at the end he couldn't really tell me anything but I could see that he was really happy.

 

Since then, I've been able to tell him whenever I was feeling anything negative, him knowing that I really don't want to be feeling like that, and him knowing that I need him to be supportive he tries everything he can to make me feel better. The other night I told him that I wasn't comfortable with the fact that he still had the girl's contact info in his address book. He deleted everything he could find that was related to her, in front of me, and reassured me (without yelling or showing me anything that may cause me to feel suspicious of him) that he has talked to her at all. Oh and there's a part I included about how we don't really cuddle or make love as much as we used to....well, let's just say I'm no longer worried about losing that part of our relationship. I'll copy and paste what I wrote to him in case it might help some of you.

 

 

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Turning Myself Around

 

I read an article today on Jealousy. I read it very carefully and tried to understand it. This part stuck out for me:

Jealousy is usually considered as a single, independent emotion, but in reality it is a whole bundle of feelings that interconnect with each other such as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, mania, paranoia, sadness, agitation, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling excluded and so on.

 

For the most part, jealousy is a byproduct of one's own problems with self-confidence and self-esteem. It is also about a deep fear of the unknown and of change, fear of being abandoned and of losing power or control in a relationship, and also the fear that the needs will not be met. Jealous people feel often very insecure and anxious about their worthiness, feeling that they might not be good enough for the other partner. They may feel threatened by good looks of other people comparing them to their own selves and worrying that the other part might leave them at any time. Whatever the reason is that caused jealous emotions, whether justified or not, the feeling can become a huge factor in disconnection between couples.

Before I found that email you sent to ---the girl--- with that picture of you naked, I never considered myself as a jealous person.

 

I was confident, had a good job, had a great boyfriend, got along with my parents, close to my family and friends. I had hobbies that I was passionate about. Thing is, I didn't actually acknowledge and confront how I felt when I found that email. You saw how upset I was, and you felt bad and in a way I made you feel worse by basically pointing out how wrong you were. I don't think I was wrong for doing that, I just think I should have done it differently or... told you more. See, I never told you all of it and I never admitted to myself that I felt hurt not only to find it but when you tried to lie about it as well. Yes, I felt angry too and I was scared to lose you. At the moment, I did feel that I lost a bit of power and control in our relationship and I started to feel insecure and anxious. Just like the article said. Because I never confronted those things, those emotions, they stayed in me. ...and everytime you lied about talking to --the girl---, those things felt like they doubled.

 

I have to admit it now that I still feel like I have the very emotions that were listed in the article.

 

Anger, obviously of the fact that you lied, and jeopardized my trust in you in order to protect yourself.

Fear, I still feel like I could lose you at any moment

Hurt, same as the reason for anger I guess

Betrayal, I feel like you have no problem hiding stuff from me

Anxiety, that's the same as fear right? I am afraid that you'll do it again. Just talk to her again, not intentionally to hurt me.

Mania, I have no control over these extreme emotions and when it gets bad, I don't think rationally - and ultimately I hurt you.

Paranoia, I'm often thinking are you hiding something from me

Sadness/Loneliness, I feel alone way too often.

Depression, it scares me how alone I feel sometimes - like I'm the only one thinking about everything.

Agitation, I get so mad at myself for whatever reason I just can't stay happy

Envy, I can't help but think that ---the girl--- has a body that you're interested in and I don't have it.

Feeling powerless, I often feel that there's nothing I can do but accept that this is how I feel.

Feeling excluded, it's not fair but I feel excluded whenever you're doing something other than pay attention to me

 

I know all of the points that I just made are...for lack of a better word, BAD - and I shouldn't be feeling like any of that. But too often do I feel like that and I WANT TO STOP. There is nothing I, you, or anyone can do to make me feel 100% better if I still have all of those emotions in me. Now, I need your help but I want you to know that all the pressure is NOT on you. I don't expect you to fix me or have all the answers for me. I just need you be there for me like you have been, and to stay committed, true, faithful, encouraging, happy, and loving/loved. If you feel like you're unhappy about something, I need you to tell me. ...and I know that sometimes you're afraid to bring something up because you feel like I won't take it in well or I'd interrupt or something...I can't promise that I won't but I need a chance to try and understand, where you're coming from. I rather you tell me that I'm doing something wrong, or I'm not doing something and/or you're unhappy and have the chance to make it right, than you turning to someone else in order to try and find something to fill the void. I hope that makes sense.

 

As for all the negative points I listed above - I want you to know that I am trying to turn them all around. Like, instead of Anger/agitation I want to feel thankful. I want to show you that I am thankful and that I'm proud for every little or big thing you do.

 

Instead of fear/anxiety/hurt I want to feel strong. I want to feel like I can take on any challenge again and make you proud of me. Make myself proud of me. Give you reasons to be always careful not to hurt me, intentionally or not (physically and emotionally).

 

Instead of feeling betrayed/lonely/depressed I want to feel loved. I can't keep on pushing you away or feeling resentment everytime it seems like you're not trying to be close to me. I need to love myself and know that I don't need you to love me first in order to feel that way.

 

Instead of feeling mania/paranoia I want to trust. I don't want to feel suspicious everytime you turn your laptop away from me. You've stopped all contact with ---the girl--- and I need to acknowledge that. We both already know that we're pretty much over should you mess up again being flirtatious with any girl especially ----the girl----. So I need to stop waiting and looking to see if you will. I need to TRUST that you don't want us to fall apart either. That you do love me, and that you are trying to do everything you can to keep me happy and that you want us to be together.

 

Instead of being envious I want to feel sexy. I'm serious! I don't need a six pack, or double D's to be sexy. I don't need to join the army or get plastic surgery. You fell in love with me for who I was, and you love me for who I am, and you will love me for who I am gonna be.

 

I know there are times when I'm gonna make you feel like * * * * and there are times when you're gonna make me feel like * * * * . We never mean to hurt each other, so all we can do is love each other and understand that we just want to be together and we want to be happy and love each other.

 

I'm starting my new job tomorrow so I think that's going to help us tremendously. I won't feel as useless and you won't feel as much pressure paying for everything. We'll both be working and sharing the work at home so we can start feeling like a team again.

 

I love you so much _______, and I need to stop asking myself if I'm enough for you. I know I am and I know you try to show me that all the time. I need to start taking it in and believing it.

 

I want to be your everything, like how you're everything to me. So we don't kanoodle or make love as much as we used to. Maybe it's just a temporary thing, and you know- if it's not... well, I know we're more than that - and no matter what I'm still gonna try to make you happy and I know that you're doing the same thing. I'll always want you and I'll always love you. I'm going to be trying to be better for you, for me - for us.

[Circe]

Does anyone ever wonder, if when a woman writes a really long, emotional, thoughtful, insightful and loving letter to her partner who has cheated in some way.. they just reward the partner for that behaviour?

 

I'm not saying I believe this to be the case. It's just a thought I had when I read your letter, OP.

 

Because at a very basic level.. do you really have to explain to someone why you are upset that they cheated?

 

I think its an insighful letter and I hope in the long run its not wasted on him.

[Simplicity1]

Does anyone ever wonder, if when a woman writes a really long, emotional, thoughtful, insightful and loving letter to her partner who has cheated in some way.. they just reward the partner for that behaviour?

 

I'm not saying I believe this to be the case. It's just a thought I had when I read your letter, OP.

 

Because at a very basic level.. do you really have to explain to someone why you are upset that they cheated?

 

I think its an insighful letter and I hope in the long run its not wasted on him.

 

A very good point actually Indigo. In my case, I do believe that it helped my boyfriend understand EXACTLY what I was feeling. See, for him it was easy for him to just feel guilty and feel like he can't do anything to change the way I feel. This... 'jealous' feeling has to be something that I get over and there's nothing else he can really do but stop talking to the other girl. ...it's hard when it feels like you can't do anything. ..but writing it out for him and really telling him my mindset, and that I am trying to forgive makes him try even harder to help me any way he can.

 

I wouldn't recommend that every girl write a long thoughtful letter to the guy that cheats because you're right. If a man cheats on his wife. Simply says he's sorry. ...and the girl tries to forgive straight off the bat without waiting for him to even try to do anything to make things right, yeah he can definitely mistake the letter as a sort of 'praise' for him cheating in a messed up kind of way. Unless you can see that he has tried everything he can, and the only thing that's keeping you guys from fully saving your relationship is the fact that you just can't get over being jealous, then yeah it's important to understand exactly WHY you are feeling that way, what triggers the jealousy, and try to eliminate that emotions by removing that trigger and/or replacing it with something else. That's what I think any way.

 

My situation isn't the same as everyone else's - but I think it just might work between my boyfriend and I. We both really want to make the relationship work, and we're both willing and trying - can't really ask for more than that can we?

[deviousj420]

I liked that. ty

 

for some stupid reason.. Im insanely jealous.. over what I dont even kno.. n it sucks.

[getting_on_ok]

I had to respond to this I do get jealous, however my ex went over the top to make me jealous it seems. She would stare at other guys and I am not talking a little bit. I told her that it hurt me but she continued to do it. This brought about several arguments in the end she dumped me.

[Ihavetissues]

for some stupid reason.. Im insanely jealous.. over what I dont even kno.. n it sucks.

 

I feel like this to, ive read so many things about jealousy and it does all help but it still eats me up at times!! ](*,)