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BFs ex is a sociopath

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Ok, I don't even know where to begin, and this is going to be the longest bs ever. Any advice is welcome.


I met an amazing man over 2 years ago. I met his kids later, we took things really slow. Problem is, he was seperated, She moved out in Oct 06, she'd had the same bf she has now for months before that. They filed for legal seperation, I met him in Feb of 07, she filed for divorce, we started dating in April 07 so no I was not being a home wrecker, she already wrecked her home. She had multiple men in her life the whole time they were married, she promised to change, they did something along the lines of renewing thier vows and then about 6 months later she started in again. She started messing around with a married chief in the Navy and he was forced to retire early and she will never make chief now because of thier fooling around.


I met her in August of 07, she decided they should stay married for financial reasons. Then in October 07 she re-filed the same paperwork, he got with his attorney again and responded. She waited till the last minute and went on deployment so she could use that sailor protection act, so nothing was done till October 08. Now she's stalling, putting things in the papers she knows he will disagree with. In our state, when you divorce, you list the debts you created while married, she's listing debts created after seperation. I had heard the stories, even from her own kids. I met her about 6 months after I met him. Things went cool. A week later, she goes absolutly psycho. I was over spending time with him and the kids, I brought my son. She said I was disrespecting her house, her, him, the kids, said they were never seperated. Our arugment, in text messages went on for about 2-3 hours. I finally told her to "blow it out her" you know what.... she got upset and called him. I was then told that you can't talk to her like that. So we didn't talk for 3 months.


Then the oldest girl comes to me with something horrible she over heard her mother say about me, trust me I can't repeat it here, it was bad. I went to him about it, and nothing was done about it.


She is in the US Navy and stationed 2 hours away, on the weekends she would come to where we live in order t hang out with her kids, I was ok with that. until she would call him when we were on a date and ask when he was coming home, if he was making dinner or breakfast, then had the nerve to say I was interfering in hiss financial resposibilities of his family. I had my shampoo under the sink and she had a fit about having to look at my stuff, Ok, whatever...


She decides we all need to spend Christmas day together, that went fine, although I heard she wanted to buy me the smallest thong she could find (neither of us are exactly small so I don't know why she'd want to poke fun at my weight) all went well till about 3 weeks before she was supposed to go on deployment. Dad called her and asked her why SHE (the mother) trashed her daughters bedroom, she then accused the oldest daughter of lying to dad and telling him she was snooping, which was not said. She then told her daughter that "I'm not coming to see you this weekend, you're a liar" We went and got some donuts, trying to smooth the pain with sugar. All of the sudden she storms into the house and all hell breaks loose! She yelled at her kids for crying cause I was leaving, my own son was frightened and said he didn't like her anymore.. About 3 days later, I am with him, she doesn't want to drive the hour back to the house to drop the kids off and we were out where she was anyways so we went to pick up the girls. She said they were all the way at one end of the mall, and I wanted to stop by a store, so when we get to the entance, here she is. I asked for his keys and went in sat in the car. Thats when she blew a gasket for me disrespecting her and having an attitude, when all I did was walk away to avoid confrontation.


About a week later I'm back. Shes left us a present in the bathroom. He calls her and says "You left your KY" she said it wasn't hers, well we don't use it.... still, it wasn't hers.


She went on deployment, things went fine for 7 months. She gets an appartment, sneaks into our house and steals some of my Mary Kay make up. I had a receipt for it, she said she didn't take it but she would get me more since she was a Mary Kay Rep... low and behold she returns MY Mary Kay, this wasn't new Mary Kay. Then she wants him to file his taxes jointly with her, he tells her he will not because last time, she changed the account it was supposed to go in and stole all the refund. She raised hell and demanded my last name so she could get a restraining order to get me out of her house.


Rah rah rah, I'm missing lots of important info here. She's cheated on this man from day one, the reason she moved out was because she finally found a good catch, or whatever he is, the kids have told me stories of mommy in the ark kissing someone who wasn't daddy then telling them not to tell, and the oldest even told dad he needed a girlfriend cause mom has boyfriends. Since she is in the Navy, she is obligated to give her family so much money. Since getting her apparetment, she has racked up a lot of debt. She blames me for this because she had to get in appartment and fix it up. So why does she owe Target over 4 grand and Vic Secrets almost $1,000?


Anyways, we all got into it Sunday night. I can no longer afford to have my son in daycare because she is not helping him with the house payment, so the kids all stay home. The oldest is old enough, although mom disagrees and blah blah blah..... I tried talking to her, we spent the day emailing each other trying to work out our issues, shecalled her daughter and said this is all your fault, I told her she lied to me and when she wanted to know what she lied about and I told her, she called him... cause he is going to protect her from me? cause she cant stand that I know the truth?! What made it worse was she called again later and told the oldest this was all her fault, and we spent another hour arguing.


He has tried to fix these problems on occasion, but either she continues to do these things or she lies and said it never happened. Sometimes he just doesn't want to deal with it because we already know what the outcome will be. Please don't judge me, I know this is insane, but him and I love each other, his kids and my son, we are all a happy family, it's not a Jerry Springer episode til the Grinch shows up. There is nothing wrong with "our side" of the family


The oldest girl is 12, she has some behavioral issues, most of them she has gotten from her mother. Obviously there is a communication issue with him, I am trying to come to him in different ways to talk to him or approach him so I don't seem like I am harping or putting him in a corner. He doesn't always tell her everything because she either flips out or says that the discipline he has chosen is to harsh. The daughter was caught wearing make up after being told not to for the 2nd time, lied about it and created a huge string of lies, was using the emergency cell phone I got for her to call her friends, and was getting horrific bad grades. He grounded her for the last semester of school. No friends, cell phone, no home phone nothing till her grades came up. 2 weeks before she was going to be off restriction she was caught logging into a networking site with a very provocative user name, lied about it tried saying it must have been mine or my 6 yr old sons, then we got into her email and found out she had 2 accounts at this site. Continues to lie, so she has "community service" now. He decided she has so many hours of work with the neighbors who have livestock and such for the summer. The day school ends the kids go to thier mothers for a month, the daughter doesn't "serve" any of her punishment. Comes home and mom starts harping on him that she's been grounded long enough.


So I just wanted some advice. She nags him, I come to him and say hey, we need to chat about this, this stuff is not cool and needs to be taken care of, and now I am a nag. How do I come to him without being a nag? How am I supposed to help these kids? How do I help US? He says she is going to be in our lives till the kids are 18, I don't see how this is being in the kids lives and being a good parent. I can't explain enough to justify me loving and living with a married man who has 2 kids, they were over before we met. The kids know they are over.


I've been to other forums with this and this is a mix of everything I have said, sorry if it is all over the place.


I looked up sociopath, everything listed fits her!

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1. She is ridiculous and you must really love this man and his kids to have stayed that long.


2. He probably gets nagged enough that you need to be careful how you approach him about this. If it sounds like complaining he'll probably just brush it off and hide. Somehow you need to come up with a plan..a list of things that should happen and discuss it with him.


3. I would suggest he is not married to her anymore and does not share finances with him anymore. Idk what this means financially for you, but if they are not tied together in any other way than the children they share she won't have as much of a hold on him.


4. As far as the 12 yr old goes. You need to tell this woman that while she is with her father he can discipline her however he feels and if she doesn't like that then too bad.

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I know you know this already but still....The problem is that you got together before he was divorced. You should have waited until the divorce went through and arrangements for vistitation had been made.


This has turned into a a bickering mess to which you also have responsibilty for and seeing as it has already started to bring the children into it I think the only way out of this now if for you to back right out and let HIM deal with HIS wife and arrange for her to see her children in a neutral place, possbily grandparents home OR you keep away while seh visits so you do not have to deal with each other in any shape of form and the children are not drawn into the middle any more than they already have been. I'm not blame you or her, I blame him for not having the balls to stand up and stay ENOUGH ALREADY!!! to the both of you.

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