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Taking a break - advice would be welcomed!!


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Hi there.


My name is Laura, I'm from Scotland, I'm 33 years old and up until last year was a fiercly independent lady.


To give you a bit of background about me - I was abused as a child by my dad, he beat the crap out of me, was also sexually abused by my uncle - this led me to a vicious circle *very common* of abuse with partners, until about 9 years ago when I fell pregnant with a then abusive partners child. I had to make a decision wether to have that child and frankly run the risk of violence towards them - or try and break the cycle.


I chose the latter - and whilst I have no regrets about my choice (because it stopped me accepting violence - I wasn't going to do what I did in vain) it means that I am now 33 and as yet, childless.


To bring you up to date therefore, I then spent a few years in a financially lucrative job - but will seemingly no joy of meeting 'the one' - I made my peace with the possibility that that may never happen for me - and then decided to travel.


At 30 I went to Australia for 6 weeks to see if I could live abroad alone and I could, then I went to Dubai last year (from Jan 08 - Sept 08) and worked as a scuba-diving instructor during this time. I met a few guys - but still no 'the one' and was critiscised openly for my high standards.


When the company I worked for out there folded, I came home to Scotland - meaning only to have a stop-gap of time here. That's when I met Marc.



This brings me on (finally) to why I need advice. I had no intention of staying here - felt that I would just go back into old habits, but Marc pursued me, and we just clicked.


Although when we first got together - he told me he was doing seasons abroad in france as a chef - and would be leaving in Dec - we both decided to keep seeing one another. He left, and very quickly I realised I couldn't do long-distance and that it wasn't good for me to be sat at home pining. So, I went out at New Years basically to tell him it was over, he then told me - he'd missed me so terribly and he wanted to come home and move in with me.


You can imagine that I was quite taken aback and indeed in Jan he did come home, we moved in together and for an awful long time (from then till basically about 4 weeks ago) everything was going well. (the usual up's and down's but nothing devastating)


Then 4/5 weeks ago - I had to have a pregnancy test prior to going onto the pill after years on Depo - and he freaked right out! I came home one night and he was like, don't want to get engaged, don't want to get married and don't want kids!


It blew my world apart and was right out of the blue - he sighted being afraid as his reasons. We went out that night seperately - and upon discussion over the next few days, he convinced me that he'd just had a freak out.


A week later - I was on facebook and saw a good friends wedding pics and decided that I wasn't prepared to stay in a relationsip with a man who didn't want the things I did - seems pointless and then calmly and quietly that night I told him, if you don't want these things - that's fine, but I do and I can't deny myself the opportunity for that - because you are afraid.


He re-assured me at this point over and over again, that yes, he did want that - and that we were on the same track.


Since then his behaviour has been irratic, he is distant, moody and very selfish (this is just recent) and inbetween all of this - he has little bouts of love, running me a bath for coming home, buying me lillies, etc, etc. Also, sorry but sexually - it's just gone, he's got no interest in it since the 'freak out' night and this is partially why we're so distant.


To show how mixed his signals are - one week (the saturday night before the next part to be exact) he sent me this text whilst on a night out together with him, me and his sister.


Hey Babe, I'm sitting here watching you dancing to Beyonce and I'm blown away by how amazingly beautiful you are and how you believe in yourself so much. I wish I had your confidence - I think you are an inspiration and I feel privilaged to know you and be part of your life. I love you Laura. xxx



(see why I'm confused)


Things came to a head just there on Sunday when after another night of simply not feeling loved by him, I woke him up only to be told in a semi-sleeping state - that he thought that 'deep down I want out' I immediatley packed his bags, went a bit ott - and I admit it - but am so sick of being messed around and getting mixed signals from him.


I went to my mums to calm down and when I came back we agreed that he would move out for a week and take things from there. However, he says he wants it to work - but not as badly as I do. This to me, spells disaster - he's likely to do this again and perhaps he's just one of those commitment phobes' that simply can't be changed. He's 29, will be 30 in September - which would also have been our one year anniversary.


I now have options on the table of going back to Dubai, or perhaps Mexico to run dive centres on my own - but feel very different from when I left the first time, as I was running away from a very empty existence here.


He came by last night to collect a charger for his phone and asked me if I would meet him for dinner or drinks this week - I was lost for words, didn't answer and in fact, still haven't. He also has his Mum's 50th Party this coming Saturday night, (his family think I'm great - Marc's quite quiet, has had emotional problems in the past and his parents are divorced which had a major affect on him) and he said to me that he would like me to be there - I said, 'as what' - he said, 'what do you mean' - I said, 'as friends or what' and he went - 'no'


Now I feel bereft and alone, it's deeper than before and I am trying to be that illusive woman, to make him realise what he's missing - but I don't want to run away anymore.


I realise now that I am ready for love, commitment and all the rest of it and if I leave right now - I'll be having to close the door on my heart - and she really had to work at being open this last year - and trust him.


I am really sorry for writing war and peace - there's more detail but I'll end it there for fear of never getting a reply.


My most sincere thanks for your time and any advice you may be able to offer.


Yours, Laura

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Hello Laura,


Welcome to ena! I think you are quite right. He does not know what he wants, and frankly your arent responsible for sticking around to find out. He is a grown man who can make up his mind just as easily with you there or with you out of the country.


I very much understand where you are coming from and can relate to your story. The thing is, maybe this fellow isnt the one. Maybe he is the one who was meant to open your heart to show you that you can love to prepare the way for the one who is meant to be in your life.


Regardless of what he wants, his actions are speaking louder than his words. I say go to Mexico or Dubai. In this life you can only be responsible for you and your happiness. You are right, this time it is different. You arent running away from your life, you are running into it by moving on from someone whose values are not the same as yours.


All the best,



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Hi there.


Since then his behaviour has been irratic, he is distant, moody and very selfish (this is just recent) and inbetween all of this - he has little bouts of love, running me a bath for coming home, buying me lillies, etc, etc. Also, sorry but sexually - it's just gone, he's got no interest in it since the 'freak out' night and this is partially why we're so distant.


That happened to me, distant moody and selfish and lack of sex. it is over. You have to move on. it will not last and you will regret missing out on other things while you hope he sorts himself out. Personally i would cut your losses and go to mexico. I would love to go work there but sadly i have too many responsibilities and a lot older. You never know who you might meet in mexico.

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I am sorry for your current situation but I think he just isnt up to giving you the life ,love and respect youi deserve. If he did then he would have just come closer and closer.

Hes just not stepping up to do it.I think you can do much better than this.You say that you feel like youre running away if you just leave .My suggestion is for your own sake state your feeling to him completely so at least you know that in your heart of hearts you did everything an honourable person could.

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