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So, my ex and I were together for 2 years when she suddenlly broke it off 2 months ago. She said she was not as happy as she used to be and that I had become too lazy and inactive (complacent). We lived together and were about sign another one year lease and she said she felt trapped if she did so, and moved out. She said she wasn't necessarily ending it for good and would be open to hanging out in a couple of months to see where it went.

 

We went a month and a half NC before she broke it with an email and we have been emailing/texting/IMing since then, almost every day. Her friends have told me she misses me and she is depressed (and she admitted this to me as well in person, crying). We work together, so I run into her around the office fairly often and am gettingt the vibe that she still cares but is scared to admit it (to me or to herself) as she left me very suddenly (embarrassed, essentially), has a good deal of pride, and probably thinks I have moved on (I haven't given her much reason to think otherwise about what I feel/want, though I DO want her back).

 

Does this make any sense -- would pride and embarrassment cause her to keep her from admitting her feelings to me or to herself? At first, I thought allowing her to think that I accepted the breakup and was moving on for myself was a good way to get her curiosity/interest up (she definitely misses me, so it was successful to some degree), but now I wonder if it is something that would hold her back from initiating a conversation or even allowing herself to display any feelings towards me in any way. To back that up a little, we will make jokes back and forth via email (very light and friendly, obviously we're both comfortable) and then when I catch her eyes or pass her in the hall at work she acts like we are not on speaking terms and either looks the other way or refuses to make eye contact, as if that would give her away.

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Can anybody else help give me some insight here, please? I don't have a lot of experience from the prespective of the dumper, so I would really like your opinions.

 

I know that she is very embarassed by the way that she broke up with me, and she has lost of lot friends out of this. She is also a very proud and private person and does not talk/admit to her feelings (this is why she left so suddenly withou really saying that she was unhappy before). Also, I don't think she knows I still carry a torch for her or would be open to trying again -- I think she under the impression that I have moved on.

 

The way that she acts leads me to believe she still has feelings/regrets -- is it reasonable to think that the reasons listed above would prevent her from acting on those emotions. Could this be the reason there seems to be a disconnect between what she says (or doesn't say, to be more accurate) and the way she acts, or am I missing something about the dumpers perspective here?

 

Any insight or opinions would be greatly appreciated -- thanks

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My last one behaved like she was in the throes of very mixed feelings. More recently she has gone completely cold, although she hasn't cut contact. She is a very proud person too. All I can suggest is let her emotions progress in their own time. If she is too proud to open up to you, you're better off without her. My mother once told me that a successful relationship requires a good dose of humility at times - time and experience is proving that for me, and I place more value on those who are capable of it.

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My last one behaved like she was in the throes of very mixed feelings. More recently she has gone completely cold, although she hasn't cut contact. She is a very proud person too. All I can suggest is let her emotions progress in their own time. If she is too proud to open up to you, you're better off without her. My mother once told me that a successful relationship requires a good dose of humility at times - time and experience is proving that for me, and I place more value on those who are capable of it.

 

This is very sage advice. Floridafan, your intuition that she might be struggling with pride or shame could be right. She might also be struggling because she can't figure out what she wants and doesn't want to lead you on as long as she has doubts. You really don't want to rush this or try to facilitate anything. People who have second thoughts about a decision they've made need to make up their minds 100% on their own, no matter how long it takes them.

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thank you for the reponses. I don't know if it's because my original post is too long or it's just a confusing issue, but I haven't been able to get much input from others on this. It's frustrating because I have given my ex all of my time over the last 2 years and suddenly find myself with many aquaintances, but no close friends to talk to anymore. That, and we have many mutual friends and it's difficult to know who i can confide in with my thoughts and who i can't.

I am conflicted about the whole 'giving them time to sort things out on their own' thing. I know that would be the most desireable (and healthy) solution, but then it feels like i am leaving it to a coin flip. If I talk to her (and I think it can be done without coming accross as needy or desperate, just kinda saying 'i'm happy with where i am at and have accepted the break-up, but i can't pretend i wouldn't be happier with you around'), maybe i can help her sort out her feelings or at least think that it's ok to admit her feelings to me (that i won't reject them or think of less of her). Should I try to drop some sort of subtle clues to her that it's ok for her to admit her feelings or just play it cool and see if she comes around?

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I really wouldn't. If she brings it up, by all means encourage her by asking a few questions until the point she clams up again, but if you initiate you risk her cutting you down or shutting down even more.

 

I think the best advice I can give you is try and turn these aquaintances into better friends, open up to the ones you feel most comfortable with, and just be available to her without being a doormat.

 

I reckon one of three things will happen -

 

- you find yourself not caring anymore after a while, either because you get over her or can't be bothered with the drama and stress

 

- she surprises you one day once she's dealt with her internal process

 

- she never brings her feelings up, and either chooses to force herself to move on, or lives in some weird emotional limbo

 

All of these are valid and good outcomes, since they force you forward and to concentrate on a life without her in it in a "relationship" sense. Just treat her like a friend for now, and it'll either grow on you or show you what sort of person she really is.

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The thing is, you can't help her make up her mind. This isn't about playing games. This is about recognizing her full reality. You're seeing signs that she's having second thoughts. And she might well be. But that's only part of her story. Her apparent regret -- hopeful though it is -- is counterbalanced by the fact that she hasn't done anything about it yet. You're thinking that she wants to do something but is prevented by an obstacle you think you could help her overcome. And that's where I think your analysis is off.

 

You already know that she's able to make decisions and act upon them -- she broke up with you even though you didn't want to end things. So she is able to act decisively when she's ready to. You think she needs some help getting to the point where she's comfortable making a decision. I don't think that's possible. You let her know that you're waiting for her to make up her mind, and she might well feel that you are pressuring her -- no matter how carefully you put it, no matter how clearly you assure her that there is no pressure. She'll know that you're waiting for her to make up her mind, and that knowledge, in and of itself, may make it harder for her to make up her mind because she'll know that it's going to strongly affect you.

 

The last thing a person who has made a unilateral decision to end a relationship will benefit from is pressure to revisit their decision. If she cares about you (and I'm sure she does) then she isn't going to want to keep you in limbo while she sorts herself out. If she cares about you she isn't going to want to make a premature decision.

 

Guessing that you're not going to be willing to pull out all the stoppers (which I'll elaborate on in a minute) I suggest that you bide your time and say nothing to her about your feelings or what's going on with her feelings. Try to build up some friendships with people who have nothing to do with her. Slowly, quietly do things to make your life okay without her. See what happens. Maybe she'll come around.

 

If you were really feeling bold, I would suggest the following: tell her that you still love her and still want to be with her but you recognize that it's impossible, since that's not what she wants. Thank her for the good times you two had together, and then tell her that you're moving on and for the foreseeable future you're not going to be in touch with her so that you can rebuild your life without her and situate yourself to eventually move on with someone else. Wish her well and ask her to respect your wish for the time being to not hear from her. And then remove yourself from the field, without bitterness or weakness. Walk away because you are deciding to move on, not because you're hoping it will have any particular effect on her. Walk away because that's what you need to do right now. If you do it and mean it, at a minimum after a month or two you'll be feeling much, much better, will have a strengthened social circle, and might be ready to date someone new. And none of your efforts will be directed at your ex, so she'll know there's absolutely no pressure for her to change her mind about breaking up with you. But she'll also have no doubt that you still care about her and would be open to trying again with her if she were open to it. Thus, you'll have peace of mind knowing that you made your feelings clear to her.

 

I'm guessing you won't be able to do the bold move, because it would mean severing ties with her for the time being. But I think it would be the best thing for you, in both the short run and the long run.

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A little update. So , I sucked it up and talked to one of our closest mutual friends and here are a couple of the main points from that conversation.

-My ex is still very confused about what she wants and is still trying to rationalize in her mind that she made the best decision.

-My ex is determined to stay single for the foreseeable future as she is enjoying spreading her wings and gaining some independence (she has been in a relationship for almost 5 years, between myself and her last BF.

-She has never said that she is determined to never date me again.

-I have made many changes for the better since the breakup and she said my ex has definitely taken notice (said that if I had made these changes before we broke up, we never would've broken up) and has vented on several occasions that she is upset that I didn't make these changes before she decided to leave. Changes include quitting drinking entirely (I wouldn't say I was an alcoholic, but I enjoyed having a few drinks when we got home from work and this def contributed to my laziness and lack of desire to go out), I have been going out often and run into her friends in the downtown nightscene all the time, and I have lost almost 30 lbs in the last 2 months (partly from not eating for a few weeks, partly from working out) and gotten a nice little promotion at work, eliminating my $$ issues.

 

So, here is the plan from here. My ex and I have plans to hang out on monday (made them a little earlier in the week). As I said above, she has been dependent on the sig other in her life for several years and moved here from a big city, so she has never gotten her driver's license, even though she is 24. We were going out driving a lot in the last several months we were together to get her ready to get her licensce, but never got to finish that process. She bought herself a car about 2 months before we broke up and over the last 2 months we have been apart she still has not gotten her license, even though she drives herself to work each day (quarter of a mile) and to grocery store/mall. She has said she doesn't have anyone around anymore to help her get ready to take the driving test,so I am going suggest that on Monday (and maybe a couple more times after that) we go out and get her comfortable with the things she needs to do to get through that. I don't wanna go overboard with it, but I do want to tell her that I regret not doing more to help her reach her goals and accomplish the things that were important to her in the time that we were together, that this is something I have realized over the last couple of months that is important in a committed relationship that I didn't realize in the past, and that, while the definition of our relationship is now dramatically different, it is still important to me to help her to do this. Essentially, I want to show her that I care, but without saying that I care for her in a romantic way, as that may turn her off or cause her to shut me down. Hopefully, when she is ready, she will let me be the one to take her to her driving test and I hope that this will a positive bonding experience in the near future.

Thoughts, anyone?

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So, my ex and I were together for 2 years when she suddenlly broke it off 2 months ago. She said she was not as happy as she used to be and that I had become too lazy and inactive (complacent). We lived together and were about sign another one year lease and she said she felt trapped if she did so, and moved out.

 

While it's easy to overanalyze her actions post breakup, I would suggest that what's really going through her mind is the question: which is worse, staying single and depressed due to the loss of a bf OR going back to this?

 

She broke it off for several reasons, and those reasons are what you need to really think about. There are soo many threads by women considering leaving their men who become lazy and complancent. This can make a person feel MISERABLE for a long time. Sure, when you get back together, you might be better for a little while, but that will end again and she'll face the laziness and inactivity again. The other problem, more deadly than the first, is the phrase "I'm not happy" plus breaking up. Translation, "I am not in love with you anymore even though I have tried." That knowledge is what would encourage me to move on. If she comes back, treat it with healthy skepticism, but don't hold your breath.

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Partly from not eating for a few weeks

Bad.

 

Partly from working out

Good.

 

She has been dependent on the sig other in her life for several years and moved here from a big city, so she has never gotten her driver's license, even though she is 24. We were going out driving a lot in the last several months we were together to get her ready to get her licensce, but never got to finish that process. She bought herself a car about 2 months before we broke up and over the last 2 months we have been apart she still has not gotten her license, even though she drives herself to work each day (quarter of a mile) and to grocery store/mall. She has said she doesn't have anyone around anymore to help her get ready to take the driving test,so I am going suggest that on Monday (and maybe a couple more times after that) we go out and get her comfortable with the things she needs to do to get through that.

I think it's cute that she's still learning to drive as an adult. Some years ago, my now-ex needed a car of her own (not a loaner from her family), so I gave her my first Acura Integra. Problem was, it had a manual transmission, so she needed to learn to drive it, and I had to "teach" her. It was bumpy for a while, but she was a great learner, and before long she was clicking through the gears like Michael Schumacher.

 

Thing is, later I gave her my second Acrua Integra, and she eventually drove off in that one. That was not the deal! That girl has never had a car payment in her life. And now she's great with a stick.

 

I don't wanna go overboard with it, but I do want to tell her that I regret not doing more to help her reach her goals and accomplish the things that were important to her in the time that we were together, that this is something I have realized over the last couple of months that is important in a committed relationship that I didn't realize in the past, and that, while the definition of our relationship is now dramatically different, it is still important to me to help her to do this. Essentially, I want to show her that I care, but without saying that I care for her in a romantic way, as that may turn her off or cause her to shut me down. Hopefully, when she is ready, she will let me be the one to take her to her driving test and I hope that this will a positive bonding experience in the near future.

Maybe you will bond, but move very carefully in what you do and what you say. No matter how light and helpful you are, she's probably gonna know what you're up to. Chicks are smart.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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