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Friends with ex


DEANRI

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OK. Here's the situation. I've been dating this woman for almost 6 months and we've been getting along fine. However, we have this one underlying issue that I cannot seem to get past.

 

We are both separated from our spouses for over 2 years. However, she was involved in an affair, with a married man who wont leave his wife, for the last 8 years. We connected and the affair ended shortly after. However, she is still very good friends with him. During their ending they didn't speak to each other for about a month. But now are sort just "friends". They will go out to lunch and sometimes meet up after work. When I was made aware of this I laid down some boundaries. Mainly, if she does go out to meet him, I would like to be made aware ahead of time. I felt this was necessary because if she told me after the fact, I would be disappointed and feel she is hiding something.

 

Now here's more to the tangeled web. She has now become good friends with his new girlfriend, and they hangout almost twice a week. On top of that, she tells me her ex is a big advocate of mine and roots for me as he feels she deserves a true and honest relationship. However, I don't appreciate it that she discusses our relationship, or me with him. Especially since the only time she mentions him is when we are arguing over it.

 

Sorry for the long post. But my heart wants to stay in this as she is a wonderful woman and this is our only issue. But my head tells me I should run and not get more tangled in this web.

 

Should I stay or go? Are there any other things I can do or say to make her understand that her relationship with him hurts me? I feel she has a strong emontional connection with him and she is not willing to let it go, in case we don't work out.

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I would probably agree. But she was married for 22 years and her husband had a serious drug problem. She stayed in it for her kids, so I wont pass judgement on that. I don't agree with extra-marital affairs but they do happen.

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(with all due respect) - don't start making excuses for your SO's bad behavior, or try to justify their behavior - not only could you be in the poor slob's shoes one day, but because doing so is a slippery slope. At this relationship is only in it's early phase - once the honeymoon period wears out, be prepared for worst behavior to follow.

 

And no offense, but it sounds to me like there's a good chance you're a rebound.

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She probably enjoys being in love with things she can't have. Some people are into that sort of stuff.

 

Although feelings wander, through logic, your mind can make an accurate forecast between fair weather and a natural disaster.

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Well, she claims he had a drug issue - but her infidelity was compounded by her having an affair with a married man and being friends with that man's new mistress. So she obviously has no problem with infidelity.

 

So if she has no conscience about cheating she will have no conscience about cheating on you.

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ok, i don't think the reasons she had the affair is important here, it's the fact there has hardly been enough time to get over an 8 year relationship (AFFAIR) before becoming good friends with him and then befriending his bird and hanging out with her twice a week..??

 

It seems like she is more interested in him/ them, than she is you and your relationship with her.

 

You need to give her an ultimatum, man!! It is perfectly normal to keep a distance from the major ex whilst in a new relationship.. so tell her how you want it, if she doesn't comply, then leave before you get in too deep.

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Thanks for the advice all. She had an affair. I went in knowing that. I knew this married man would not leave his wife. I knew all this stuff going into it.

 

This is why I posted the questions. If she tells me they are only friends, and spends a majority of her time with me, should I feel like I'm not providing something. I guess it's all rhetorical because I'm torn. She does a lot for me to show she's with me because she wants to be. I just can't come to terms with a friendship with her ex.

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Ugh, friendships with an ex (errr... man she had affair with) is definitely not a web you want to be tangled in. No normal person is going to put up with that bull for long.

 

I would just walk away. She doesn't seem worth the grief you are going through, and on top of that, seems unwilling to change her ways for your comfort. Discussing the relationship with this guy? That's disrespectful. Don't put up with that behavior.

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