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Grrrr..... I feel like he's still subtly trying to control me....


prettymommy
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Vent, vent, vent...

 

Most of my back story is gone, and really, the back story doesn't matter anymore anyways. My ex and I split up - for good this time- about 8 weeks ago now. It has been complete NC; I have not initiated anything, nor has he. I have accepted it, have no hopes, dreams, or desire for reconciliation. My goal since the split has been to rebuild my self esteem, find validation within myself, and not others, and to continue to maintain balance in my life through a variety of activities. One of these activities has been building a larger social network. After the ex and I split, I found myself kind of lacking in that area. I have a few friends, and high quality at that, but they are all involved with spouses, families, and careers, making it kind of lonely at times for this single Mom. So I have been "forcing" myself to go out to social events and meet new people.

 

It was kind of hard at first, scary even, but I've actually gotten to know some people by consistently going to each event being sponsored by the groups I have targeted (link removed has been a godsend), and have even started socializing with some people outside these events. It has been an empowering exercise.

 

Anyway, my ex, from what I can tell via FB, has been doing somewhat the same, but instead of going to more social activities, it's been mainly lounges and bars, late at night, with a much younger crowd, drinking heavily- all very unlike him. It concerns me as I do still care for him, or at least, the him I use to know, but it's not really my problem, and really, it kind of pains me to see him lowering his standards and values, so I try not to pay attention.

 

This past weekend one my groups had a weekend camping trip. Many of the new people I have gotten to be friends with expressed a desire to see me go. Unfortunatley, I could not as it was my weekend with my son and I was already committed there, as well as to a 5K race I had been training for. The camping things sounded fun, but, well, just wasn't in the cards.

 

So... tonight, I am on FB looking at some of the photos my new friends had posted from the camping trip over this weekend. As I am flipping through I see not one, but TWO flipping photos of my ex!!!! * * * ??? Apparently, he attended the weekend event. Grrrrrr..... I understand he wants to make new friends too, and these groups are open to the public and all and anyone can attend, but really? I mean, it's no secret I've been going to this particular group's events the past two months; my photos are all over the site as of late. He had to have known... so why go?

 

I am just so mad! I am feeling very territorial. I am trying so hard to move on and forget him. I have purposely avoided places I know he is hanging out at. But no... he can't do that for me. He just keeps popping up.... it's like he won't let me move on! He won't let me forget about him. For pete's sake, we live in a region with 3 million people..... can't he just stick to his own new social circle and let me have mine???? I mean, doesn't that go without saying? It just makes me so sick...so, so invaded in a way. Like he invaded my privacy.

 

I am just so tempted to rip him a new one, to let him know this is not right, how he treated me is not right... I so want to do it. But I know that would only be giving him what he wants probably; my attention, in any form. It would validate him and boost his ego. So I won't. But it so tempting; it would be such a release!

 

This just all makes me sick. Do I have to worry now about running into him in the near future? I don't think I would handle it all; I know I would not be nice. Just the thought makes me feel quesy....

 

I so hate him at the moment....

 

Vent, vent, venting PrettyMommy. Cause for pete's sake, my friends are sick of hearing about him from me. Is it wrong of me to be bothered by this?

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Just remember all you are feeling right this minute is a Reaction...nothing more...in a few more days you will have many different thoughts about this..he has managed to depower you a little at the moment due to your initial shock on finding out..this will pass and you will rise above it again.. Dont contact him and dont speak of it to anyone else within the group....Remember NO ACTION is better than a regretted REACTION...Dont let him have this control...You are doing well in your efforts to move forward look at this as a minor hiccup and a cowardly attempt on his part to perhaps get a rise out of you or make contact with you by sheer "coincidence"....Dont play any part of his game...your silence is your weapon..use it...

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Lord don't I know it loulee..... I got to believe my silence is speaking VOLUMES to him. It is totally unlike me, as I am a pretty forgiving person (he actually use to compliment me on it and say how it inspired him to be more forgiving of people). So he has to know he pissed me off pretty bad for me as silent as I am being.

 

I will continue to be silent, it's just so tempting..... that I feel like he was almost let off the hook, and I want to tell him he is not. I try to remind myself what goes around, comes around, but still.... What was he thinking??????

 

But no, no, I won't mention a peep of anything to my new friends. They are the future, my ex is the past, and what's in the past, will stay in the past, if I have any say in it.

 

I guess I just feel threatened in a way....

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I understand totally how you feel you are making your very "own" new world with friends and outings and its like the old predator has arrived and threatened your new safety net of happiness and peace...Dont try and rehash this too much as to WHY or WHAT with his intentions. IF he wanted to contact you directly remember he knows how too. Your anger over this will settle down over the next week..You may find that you will laugh about it one day down the track.. Men like this do not deserve to have their egos stroked in any fashion

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Thanks Loulee... I totally agree I am reacting right now. It helps to vent about it; I fear if I were to bottle it up and keep it inside I would indeed contact him and let him have it, which would then give him the satisfaction of letting him know he's still affecting me... No, No, No.

 

But you are right too... I feel like he is threatening my future and the security I am trying to rebuild for myself. I know that if he really wanted to talk to me, he would call,but he hasn't, and I'm not sitting over here waiting for him to call either. I don't even really want him to call. I'm just so sick of the drama.... that has been the one saving grace of the past two months, the lack of the emotional drama I had when I was with him. So to see him reappear, and start making inroads in my new social network.... I feel like I'm right back where I started. Plus it just screams of disrespect to me. If he really loved me, and wants me to move on like he says he does, then LEAVE ME BE. Which includes staying away from social networks where I frequent. I have no idea what his intentions are and why, and I really don't care. The only thing that matters to me is that I find whatever he is doing insulting and controlling, and it just pisses me off I can't escape this dude as much as I am trying to let go, forget, and move on.

 

On the other hand, I am not going to let his potential attendence at other future events within this social network affect my attendence. I will not let him control me. But damn if he expects me to be pleasant and cordial to him if and when I do bump into him. He is playing a game, and I'm not going to play.

 

 

The vent and a good, long, aggressive run are what I think I need to get this out of my system.

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While ever you have some emotional healing to do incidences like these are bound to upset your apple cart a bit..look at it as just this.. a small bump... minimise it..I would be upset also and am having a similar time with my ex. I also have made a very clear decision not to feed his ego or participate in any more games.I realise sadly he enjoys his distant control over my emotions, a better man would want me to be happy. I am changing for the better, whereas he has not changed at all. keep venting its good for you ...write it down express your feelings, rave to a good friend.. whatever it takes...then yes exercise! perfect remedy for feel good therapy...You control your future, your life, your decisions..And make sure YOU are ready to run into him again. Think about this? will you walk away feeling stronger or get down? If you feel it may make you take a backward step avoid it for now...for me personally seeing my ex last week made me very weak emotionally but 24hours later my whole thoughts had changed and I feel much stronger as I realised later that he was still the same emotional cripple... I had been "fantasising" about how i wanted him to be FOR ME,, not facing the reality of the situation, the truth is he cannot and will not change nor does he expect to. This has now aided my healing, hopefully you will get the same result.....good luck to you..

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It's getting worse..... on Facebook he has added some of my new friends as his friends, and I now see he is planning on attending an event I will be at next week (and I just went on a date on Tuesday with the event host!!!!).

 

I really don't need this. How can I move on and heal if he's socializing and flirting with my new peeps? How can I socialize and flirt with friends in my new social circle if I have this ghost standing in the background, feet from me, that is emotionally still affecting me (tho know one knows it)...

 

I wonder if I should just drop him a line and ask him to lay off..... that I am avoiding his new social circles and haunts and I respectfully ask that he avoid mine so I can continue to move on and heal. That this is what he wanted and he needs to show me some respect by staying out of my personal space now (granted, again, it's a public group and outings, but I've been participating in them for the past two months so I think I have some claim....) How can I heal and move on if he's making friends with my new friends???? How can I heal if I'm going to be running into him frequently?

 

This is really starting to stress me out and get to me... I feel like the last two months of NC and progress are being wiped away....

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I really don't need this. How can I move on and heal if he's socializing and flirting with my new peeps? How can I socialize and flirt with friends in my new social circle if I have this ghost standing in the background, feet from me, that is emotionally still affecting me (tho know one knows it)...

Just remember it is a choice if you wish to see him again or not..Dropping him any contact will show him that you are still emotionally invested because you currently are...its the hardest thing to let go of...that string of hope of hurt of whatever...

If you feel strong enough, go along to the next event he will be at.... IF you are prepared for the consequences..for example.. How will you feel later? Will I take backward steps or forward? Do I really desire talking with him honestly? Am I hoping to see remorse on his face? Do I harbour a deep denied desire to be with him again IF he has changed?? Think about all of this really hard and with pure honesty.. Did he have emotional control over me when together? If he did he still does now...Dont get stressed..If you feel that your last 2 months of slowly moving on will be threatened by an encounter at the same event as him the easy solution is NOT to go..This alone will send a message.. your silence is your weapon, take back the control and dont allow what he is doing to affect you so much, his reasons are NOT important.. they are indirect and weak..so see them for what they are...Do you think a decent guy would choose to test if you still have feelings for him by crashing one of your social venues or would he be phoning you personally to see how you are feeling and if your okay...Only you can answer this but remember you are the most important one here, so think about number ONE first....good luck on what you decide.. I personally think it is too soon for you to see him and I see emotional turmoil and upset ahead, ,but only you can decide this.. make your choice a wise one for you...

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This has nothing to do with getting back together with him. I don't want to get together back with him. However, I recognize I harbor a great deal of resentment toward him right now which is not healthy and fear encountering him b/c I fear I could turn ugly. I can totally see it now.... he'll eventually worm his way into my little conversational group, try to be all slick and smooth, and I'll just lay it out what a fraud I think he is....

 

That is the one and only reason why I think of dropping him an email; cause I know how I feel and fear that an encounter would put me in a situation and him in a situation that neither of us really wants to be in. I honestly do not believe he has an idea how angry I am with him at the moment..... But I hesitate, b/c I do not want to give him the satisfaction of known I am still emotionally invested in anyway, shape, or form.

 

I would NEVER have thought of contacting him in any other circumstance. I don't even know that I will now. But I know myself well enough to question whether or not I will bite my tongue around him at the event, especially after a couple drinks.

 

However, I don't feel I should have to avoid events in my new social circle just b/c he now decides he wants to make inroads into this network as well. I was there first, I have put 2 months of efforts into making friends with these people, and I am enjoying it. He has done the same with another social circle. Now he comes crashing the party, wanting to make friends not only in his new circle, but mine as well. But why should I have to be the one to avoid the event? Turn down my friends? I absolutely do not want to see him. It is not a choice I would make. Nor do I desire to speak to him. That's the whole point. I have been trying desperatley to erase him from my mind and heart since the end of May. However, I don't think it's fair I am being forced to avoid the event, and possibly lose my new friends, if he continues to make inroads with them as I have, just b/c HE made the choice to attend the event. Why should I have to give up my new friends and social circle b/c he's up to some lame-ass game? Why is it okay for him to start invading my new social circle and deny me the respect of giving me my space to move on as he wished me to do? To start from scratch again? To sit at home by myself night after night until I find some other venue for starting to meet people again? No. No. No. Screw him.

 

I don't even know now that it's that I feel so threatened. I certainly don't care to reconcile with him. The person he has b/c is a stranger and the man I fell in love with is now dead to me. I just feel so damned angry at him for being so arrogant and controlling...

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You should read "The Four Agreements" sometime. Two of the agreements would serve you well here. One is "don't take anything personally", because even though you feel threatened or hurt, in all likelihood, he's not trying to accomplish that. His going on that camping trip is NOT really about you. IF he did go on the trip to see you, it's because of his own feelings. Perhaps he is hurting not seeing you and he's trying to alleviate his own pain. Perhaps he is feeling guilty over the breakup and is hoping he can do something to lessen it. And even if he was doing it to hurt you, it's STILL not about you. It's about his own anger and his own issues regarding your breakup. If you frame this in the proper perspective, it may help you to deal with your emotions a little better. Your anger and pain comes from taking his actions personally. As if they were about you.

 

The other agreement that would apply here is to "never make assumptions". This ties in with what I wrote above. You're making assumptions about why he was there and that he must know how his being there would make you feel. He doesn't. I think you're also assuming that it's about you. And it's not, even if he himself thinks it is. His actions reflect upon his own inability to let go.

 

It's okay to have feelings about what he did. But as loulee pointed out, it's just a reaction. Try not to draw conclusions about it. The resentment will eat at you. My signature says what I think about resentment. Just remember that you cannot control him anymore than he can control you unless you allow it. Ultimately, the only thing you really have control over is yourself. If you need no contact, you'll find ways to get it. You can avoid the group for a little while and if he keeps trying to go only for the sake of seeing you, he will eventually leave thinking that you are no longer going. If you have made some good friendships at that meetup, perhaps you can socialize with those people outside of "official" meetup events. He's not controlling you because that's not what he's aiming for. You are controlling yourself to get what YOU need - no contact.

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I realize it's not about me. Ultimatley, he's probably not trying to do anything to me.

 

But then that gets to my fear... he's just trying to make friends. Cool. But just don't do it with MY new friends. Cause then, given how I have to feel, I will need to give up my new friends.

 

I just don't want him around. I don't want him to make friends with my new friends, b/c then I will be forced to give up my new friends, as I don't want to be in contact with him. And I don't think that is fair. I made friends with these people first. Think about... how would you feel about an ex that treated you shabbily jumped into a new social circle of yours that he/she had no prior involvement in and is now trying to make inroads. How would you feel? None of my new friends have any idea this guy and I were involved for 2.5 years...

 

I don't care if it is or isn't about me. The intent is of no interest to me. I just don't think what he is doing it right, fair, or respectful. He told me he didn't think we needed to be involved and I should move on. So I am. So don't jump into my new social circle and invade my personal and emotional space.

 

I guess, in someways, it is personal, b/c I view his actions as totally being disrespectful to me. He probably doesn't, I realize this, given his self-centerdness. But it is.

 

Either way, I have just vowed to ignore him and if he approaches me, I will tell him I have no desire to talk to him- ever- and walk the other way. Hopefully my obvious cold shoulder will make him uncomfortable enough to go away and give up maintaining ties to this social group.

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I understand how you feel. As much as I would like to think I could rise above those feelings, I am not sure if I could. I know how it feels to go to a social gathering and have someone there that I just cannot stand to be around. It is very hard to ignore it and have fun anyway.

 

Just out of curiosity - what age group are you two in?

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I have successfully (for the time being) resolved this with my ex husband by requesting that he let me know when he will be showing up in the same place at the same time as me. He has a right to be wherever he wants, and I have an equal right to forewarning. This way if I really don't want to see him that day I can simply make other plans. Everything is negotiable.

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Well.... even though he didn't RSVP, he did show to the event. With 3 friends in tow.

 

I had felt so safe and confident prior to walking into the event. I was SURE he wasn't going to be there, I was so sure. I knew there was something else going on in town that he would go to...

 

And then BAMM! A moment after I walk in, I see one of his friends, and I knew....

 

I felt ridiculous, trying to build new friendships and socialize with my ex and his 3 buddies hoovering in the background. Every so often they would look over at me...

 

4 drinks later, I confronted my ex. Asked him exactly * * * he was doing. Opps. Did not go down well. I probably looked like a raving lunatic for a bit. He got angry at first, I got angry at first, we started creating a scene...

 

Continued for another hour or more outside. More raving on my end, esp. when he first tried denying that he never told me he couldn't stand my son. In the end, he claims he had no idea I was angry and resentful as I was at him, while in the same breath telling me he never bothered to contact me b/c he thought I didn't want to talk to him. He thought I would be okay with him being around and couldn't understand why it bothered me. I explained to him he let me go, I am angry and upset at how he used me emotionally and physically (which of course he denied, denied, denied), at how he controlled me and made me feel bad about myself and my son, and I need to be away from him to heal, move on, and forgive. He kind of got it then and said he could understand that perspective. He started apologizing for some of his behaviors and the things he said when we were together, tho I told him it was insincere and he was only do it now to get me off his back. I told him he should never, ever, tell a mother he can't stand her child, esp. if that mother is someone he claims to love.

 

He denies still being insecure within himself. He denies still this his control issues stem from his insecurity. He did however admit that he knows he was wrong to give me so much grief about my son's father (he had huge issues when we were dating with my level of interaction with my son's father) as well as all the grief he gave me when he thought I was looking at other men or flirting or what not (even tho I never did). Said he realizes now that he didn't need to feel threatened by that.

 

It's all kind of a jumble in my head still. He said a lot of things that don't make sense, though I see I really put him on the defensive. I was pretty aggressive and told him exactly what I thought of what he's become and how he's choosing to live his life and associate with. He continued to lie about quite a few things... I still don't believe he didn't have other women on the backburner prior to our splits...

 

In the end he started b.s. with me on some stuff... random stuff, and some stuff he says he hasn't told anyone about and doesn't want anyone to know. I don't know if he was trying to diffuse the situation or what. Probably. That went on for about 20 minutes and then he needed to catch up with his friends. He then asked me if I he could have a hug, I told him no, but he gave me one anyone even though I wouldn't reciprocate it. He asked if we would be okay to be around each other again. I told him no, I couldn't tell him that, and I didn't know when I would be. I told him I would be in touch with him when I was okay again, but until then to respect my space and stay away from social situations where I will be. So who knows....

 

I don't regret speaking up for myself, even if I looked like an idiot in front of everyone, nor for letting all my resentment and hurt spew out. It felt good for a change not to care whether or not it would push him away. I realize now in retrospect I was far too passive with him for fear of losing him and let him control me and our relationship too much. While I don't like I had to get that angry at him for him to understand how truly hurt and full of resentment I am at him, I don't believe he would've gotten the picture any other way. I was far too forgiving of him over this past year and allowed him to take advantage of that fact to string me along and letting him thing the things he has done are okay.

 

Now I just need to learn how to let go of the anger and resentment cause it's really eating at me inside. Even my ex was able to see that and comment on it last night...

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The other thing that sucks about this all is that it was this Saturday a year ago when he walked into my home and proceeded to break-up with me for the first time.

 

Never in a million years did I think I would still be hurting over all this a year later.... and I see no end in sight. The waves of grief and emotion and anger and hurt are just rolling all over me today and I am struggling to get out of it. I've been in bed most of the day, crying, trying to sleep tho sleep won't come, all the while my son has been quietly keeping himself busy.

 

I wonder that I don't start needing help. I'm finding it difficult to pull myself out of this and move on. Granted, we spent six months going back and forth after 4 months apart, and that crashed and burned 2 months ago, so in some ways it's like I'm going through it all again, but still. I just wish the emotions would go away and I could be indifferent. I can't stand the thought of going through another year like this...

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I am coming into this thread late, but i wanted to say a few things.

 

I think he is massively selfish and always has been, based on all your other threads about him. And he is very insensitive too. I think regardless of what he claims, he would still like to come and go from your life anytime he pleases, using you for emotional comfort and a sense of security (and sex), while not committing to you or owing you anything. And he never thinks about the impact on you or your son, because it's all about him and what he wants.

 

I think the good news is you are beginning to see him for what he is and are finding your anger, which is actually progress. It will eventually burn out, but you do need to be away from him to do it. And in a city of 3 million people, he has NO EXCUSE to following you around. I'm sure he was in a phase where he was hoping you'd forget about the past and just continue giving him emotional support (and maybe even FWB sex). I hope he now knows that will never happen, and hence will avoid you and places you go.

 

It really might be good to get some counseling to help you get past this. I think you idealized him quite a bit, when really he behaved very immaturely and treated you and your son badly when he wasn't in the 'honeymoon' phase with you. You sound like a very normal person, and frankly, he sounds very screwed up or else he's a big narcissist, and neither of those make good partners.

 

So if you feel you need it, go to counseling. I doubt you'll need a lot of it, just a little help seeing him for who he really was and learning not to romanticize him at all. If you see him for who he is, you'll get over it quicker.

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Thanks LD for all the support and advice you have given me the past year, even when I didn't want to listen and was denial about a lot of our relationship.

 

Well, it's gotten better (sigh of sarcism). I haven't slept since Thursday really, so I am pretty sleep deprived. I've been angry still all weekend at him, thinking how he thought I might be okay now with him and everything that went down.

 

So I did the ultimate NC no-no. I wrote a long, horrible email. A very self righteous email. I called him out on being manipulate and a liar about the girl earlier this year. I told him he took advantage of the fact that I care for him to his advantage when he was feeling down. I accused him of A LOT. 8 or more long paragraphs worth. I said I was mad at myself for not being stronger to not allow him to take advantage of me....obviously, if I wrote 8 paragraphs I wrote a lot, and 7 paragraphs or more than I should have.

 

 

I also admitted to a trangression he accused me of- snooping in his email. I had done it back in March of 08 when he first voiced concerns about my son and our future, and at the time, since I didn't think his actions matched his words, I thought maybe there was someone else. So I snooped. I guess he figure it out a while back and decided to called me out on it Friday night. I never admitted it to him ever before the email. I also told him I did it in March too, and that was when I figure out he had gone back to the girl for a bit...

 

Of course, I didn't realize that my snooping and not admitting to it or telling him about it until 18 months later is just as manipulative as him ommitting the truth about going back to this girl for a brief period in time, but whatever.

 

I shouldn't have sent the email, but I did. I was writing in it that I had been far to passive with him and I needed to stand up for myself for a change without the fear of losing him or pushing him away. That he need to know that things were not okay now and would not be for some time yet. That I would not assuage his guilt in denial of my pain.

 

I asked him to stay away from me, to give me my space, and to stop socializing with people in the new social circle I am trying to get involved in....

 

An hour after I sent the email, he blocked me off facebook.

 

I subsequently defriended his Mom in respect for his need and my need for space.

 

I feel like a hypocrite in some ways for being so judgemental of him when I was as manipulative as he was in essence by looking through his email. But in someways I feel my transgression is minor, b/c I stopped doing it after a few weeks when I realized he was indeed being honest about me in March 08 about my son and our future and there was no one else. I felt bad snooping. And I had no intention to snoop this past march... I was just alone at his place, wanted to check my email, jumped on his computer, it brought up his hotmail account right away, and I suddenly realized I could look through it and confirm my suspicions that he had possibly gone back to this girl.... so I looked. I have no idea why I didn't leave him then and there. I just didn't want to believe at the time he could be that guy and use me so horribly.

 

I feel bad in many ways. I feel like I lowered my standards, allowed everything to get under my skin, and acted in ways I am not proud of. In some ways, I needed to say everything I needed to say, regardless of the consequences.

 

I think tho, yes LD, I may need counseling. I just feel like there is something wrong, why am I so hung up on this guy and afraid of losing even his friendship, after he has treated me so bad? I know a person who really loved me would not have done everything he has done, would not have talked to me the way he did that night about my son, and yet, I can't let it go. I am SO angry now ,at him yes, but myself too. Why did I let him get away with so much? Why did I want to keep believing he loved me as he claimed and wouldn't continue to treat me in that way? Am I being co-dependent? And if so, why? I hate this and I am tired of it eating at me so much. I am tired of him controlling so much... even the damn FB thing now. He controlled blocking me from seeing him, and even though I know it's will be good for me, and was something I couldn't do, it makes me mad he did it when I kept him on after even after everything he put me through...

 

I dunno. I really feel down in the dumps by everything this weekend and feel like I acted horribly and in a way I regret. I'm really just not in a good place- it's like I'm back to where I was when we broke up a year ago, not sleeping, not appetite, etc. As much as he hurt me, I don't want my last impressions of him of me to be of some raving, luntic ex-gf. But why do I even care? Is it just my ego? Why doesn my ego feel so damn much like it has to stay in his good graces after eveything he's put me through.

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I'd be bothered. I went through similar situation with my ex. She left me and I thought we ended pleasantly. She then started to go to my spots and show up there with another guy. She wouldn't go to these places before and I was going there for ten years. I quit going because she just kept being really cruel towards me for no reason.

 

It's tough, especially in your situation, but just try to be non-reactive. Time will heal you and he probably, secretly wants to have control over you.

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Hey PM,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your regression...I was wondering how things were going with you..

 

First, I think you need to give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up about not recognizing him for what he was/is, earlier on, keeping him in the pic, wanting to believe his words. None of this makes you a bad person, or stupid, or anything of that nature. Actually, it makes you a believer. It makes you a person who is willing... two traits that are essential in any relationship with anyone and in truth, is actualy quite hard to come by, as we get older in life..

 

Give yourself a break. I think you are hitting bottom again, because you didnt fully allow yourself to do this initially. Sure you may have went throught physical and emotional withdrawals, but I think some of the denial was still present, which was a motivator for you keeping him in your life in some form or fashion.

 

I think you may have wanted to "prove" something to him or everyone, that you were un-breakable, invincible and all the above, but the truth is, you hurt. He hurt you. And because you are a believer and are a willing person, he was able to get to your core...

 

Love is a risk; you truly loved, so of course you would be broken for a little while. I think you were fighting this reality. Fighting the pain, to feel it immensely, and completely, so that once you were sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, you would pick yourself up and regain PM back.

 

Allow yourself to REALLY feel this break up, and the loss of whatever vision of your life you had with this man.

 

I think you will find that therapy with help tremendously with this process, as you are very self-aware, another trait which carries much weight in your healing process.

 

I wish you well.... And I hope you were able to follow my train of thought!

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Thanks FR... you are so good about keeping up with me.

 

You hit the nail on the head.... I so wanted to believe he would not be that guy. That he would not do this to me. That he wouldn't hurt me so much, take advantage of my love and trust. That his actions and words were sincere. I told him that Friday night, that I so badly didn't want him to be that man....

 

And yes, I am beating myself up over it, b/c I allowed it, when I knew I shouldn't. When I knew I shouldn't make that risk for him. But yes, he has hurt me. To my core, in a way I have never experienced before. I try so hard to be strong, people tell me I am strong and they compliment me on it. But the fact is I am not, and I wish people would stop saying it. I do hurt and I feel broken at this moment in time. I am exactly where I was exactly one year ago today- a crying mess, sleep-deprived, and with little appeitite. My mind is spinning, spinning, spinning and I just feel like I lost so much and acted in a way I am not proud of.

 

But I am sick and tired of this.... I don't want this pain. All I want to do is erase the past 18 months and go where to we were before he dropped the bomb, when I felt so happy and safe and secure and loved. I don't believe at this point in time I will ever truly feel that way again with anyone. I never felt that safe and loved before as I did with him.

 

So damn him for all this. Damn him for being weak and a coward and selfish and not keeping my best interests in his heart. Damn him, damn him, damn him.

 

Thanks for the kind words FRing. You are pretty spot on. I just thought I was past it and seeing him brought up all the feelings and when everything was left so unresolved, so hurtfully to me.. I tried not to let it get to me, and to just pick up and move on, I hardly cried, but when I saw him for the first time after 2 months...... curse him for getting my hopes up once again this spring that I could have that what I want the most back again. It is clear to me now that his intentions were not that which he claimed. Now I'm left just drifting again, trying to keep it together when I feel myself falling apart inside. I hope this is just temporary, and is me finally, wholly grieving. I do see I was in good deal of denial and shock for late last summer and well into the fall.

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I think when you are in a relationship with someone and they are behaving very suspiciously, there is nothing wrong with investigating, especially in an age when someone cheating can give you serious STDs.

 

He's angry about the snooping because HE GOT CAUGHT. It is like a criminal yelling at a policeman for catching him in a crime, and saying, 'you shouldn't have watched me stealing'. I think unless someone is extremely insecure for no reason, most people don't snoop in someone's email unless they have a reason to be suspicious, just like a policeman has a right to check out a store when they find lights on and the door open and suspicious noises coming from inside late at night. You have every right in the world to protect yourself and your feelings, and if he is behaving inconsistently and gives you a reason to think something is not right, you have a right to investigate to protect yourself. Of course reading his email for no reason isn't right, but with his history, it is appropriate.

 

Another thing to remember is that just because you love someone, it doesn't mean they are worthy of your love, it means you are a loving person who wanted a relationship. So lots of you hanging onto him is that you really want/need someone to love, and want to have a 'family' type close relationship, so it is hard to let go and stop loving him or wanting him, because you want the whole package. Just remind yourself that your feelings are your own, and it is not HIM that makes those feelings, it is you. You are hanging on because you want to love and be loved, and you can do that, but you need to do that with a worthier person than him, someone who wants the same things you do, a family life and fidelity and stability. He doesn't want any of those things, so was just the wrong person for you to love. Your love is not wrong, it just needs to be given to someone else. But you are confused thinking HE is the one generating all those feelings in you, and it is yourself generating those feelings for him.

 

People are always the angriest when they have someone on a pedestal and the fall is long and hard. Your anger is based on the final realization that he should never have been on that pedestal because he is so unworthy, so you are angry at both him and yourself for that. The anger WILL pass, but it is really hard when you've been in denial then have that recognition when the denial strips away. You are angry at him for not living up to your image of him, and for ruining your dream that he would make a happy and stable family with you.

 

So try to vent your anger in positive ways like physical exercising or talking to friends or to a counselor. Anger does wear itself out and you will be exhausted when that happens, but you are moving thru the stages of recovery. Anger doesn't feel better than denial, but it is healthier and one step closer to reclaiming your life and the ability to go find someone who is worthy of your love and will give you what you really want, a happy family life rather than lies and a fascimile thereof. Once you truly accept that he can never give you what you want (and he won't), then you will feel better and be able to move on.

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Thanks LD.... I appreciate you coming to my defense about the snooping, though I still feel terrible about it. Why didn't I just have the courage to ask? I accuse him of being a coward about things, but how is what I did any less cowardly?

 

You are right about the anger... it doesn't feel any better than denial, it actually feels much worse. He responded to my email yesterday (which was more denials... denying manipulating me, denying it wasn't wrong to come to me in Dec, when he had been dumped by the rebound. Said since he was in pain and spiraling downward and I seemed to be doing better.... he also made it sound like I had forced him somehow into reconciling back in March, and that he legitimately tried b/c he loved me ....) Anyways, in the email, the one thing that he said that really hit me was that he told me I was twisting things to make myself hate him cause then it's easier to move on... no, no, no! I don't want to hate him. I don't want to be angry. But I'm not going to deny right now that I'm not. I am angry. I hate that I am angry, but I am. And I need to speak up about it for a change. I am angry about so much that happened between us, angry at him, angry at myself.

 

The worst of it is though that I feel like I am going through the break-up of last year all over again. Maybe it's because things were left so unresolved late in May, and now there is closure. Now I know again that it is conclusively over. I think, even though I was so mad at him for dumping me again and in the way that he did, mad enough to finally go in NC and to throw myself into moving on, I always thought well, maybe one day I will get that phone call and he'll say he made a mistake, he's sorry for hurting me, and he wants to work things out. But on Friday I said and did enough that I know he will never want me back b/c I wounded his ego and pride. But I still feel myself grieving, even through the anger (which actually has subsided a bit the last day or two), wishing things were different. I was so mad up till Friday, but once I let it out, now, now, I feel myself shutting down, not wanting to be people or my friends. Not wanting to do anything. I don't want to sit at home and be alone, but I don't want to be with people either. And can even phathom the idea of dating now, let alone allow another man to get close to me, emotional and physically. None of this was present prior to Friday's confrontation. I had spent the past 10 weeks out and about, making new friends, dating casually, being out socially, just trying to forget the hurt, the anger, or that I felt so dispensable. I didn't want him to know he got to me again. So I threw myself into keeping busy, to the point of exhaustion. Now I want NONE of it... Since Friday all I feel is that I just want to be left alone. Don't want to eat. Sleep. I'm crying all day (even at work). Don't want to see or talk to anyone. All of which is exactly how I felt and what I experienced last year at this time. It took me months to get out of that funk, slowly start socializing again, and I didn't really date. I was so lonely and hurt so much. And then he came back just as I was slowly starting to accept and feel better about myself and more positive about the future (even if the hurt was and lonliness were still there, just more in the background). When I was just beginning to find a new normal for myself. Am I just now greiving the loss of our attempted reconciliation? I just know I don't want to go back to that place again, but I feel myself being sucked in...

 

Even last night, I cried, just cried myself to sleep. For the past two months I hadn't really thought about how much I missed sleeping next to him at night. Last night, even though I am angry at him, I longed for it to be different, and just to sleep next to him again, the way I did so peacefully before all the drama began 18 months ago. I so wanted him there last night...

 

I don't know if I need to go to a thepist, if I need some depression meds, what. But I do really feel unbalanced at the moment. It felt good to stand up for myself and tell him what he has done is not right, but now why do I feel so bad about myself? Why do I feel regret and guilt? The whole FB thing is getting to me too... I hated seeing his stuff, but it was comforting to know he was still there too...

 

All I know is I feel really messed up in the head again over all this.

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Wow.... that helped to get that out.

 

Even though I am still hurt, reflecting back to last year before the split, I remember how insecure I felt toward the end. How it seemed like we were on this rollercoaster of up and down feelings and I thought for sure the shoe was going to drop at any moment (that I would get dumped). He did try to break it off in March 08, a few weeks after he voiced his doubts about our future, though I convinced him to stay. It was never really the same after that tho, I can clearly see that now, and my feelings of unease and insecurity were ever-present. Perhaps I even kind of knew it was ending, though I wanted to deny it. But being with him made me feel so secure... I kept thinking we could get back to that place where we both had wanted to be together and my ex adored my son..... Was I hanging on just for that? That false sense of security I felt with him? For the hope we could work back to where we once had been?

 

Having I been holding out hope even since the split for this long b/c of that sense of security that he offered? Was even the rollercoaster of emotions there at the end a bit of security for me in a sense... that at least it told me he still cared? Is that what I am grieving now? That I feel utterly naked without him now, with no connection in any form to him now? The rollercoaster is over. He has expressed no desire of wanting to ever get back together since May (well, other than to say in a year or two, which seems like an easy let-down before telling me he wants to date other people). The way that he dumped me in May, his silence since.... no talk of us working it out again Friday, even though he repeatedly told me he cared, that he was sadden by how I felt and view him, his attempt to hug me and voluntarily saying he was sorry for how he's hurt me... it was nothing more than that. So now I know. Am I just grieving the loss of my security? My hope? Scared of the future and what it holds? Was it more comforting to hold on to him in my heart, even through the ups and downs of this past year with him, b/c at least it was known and familiar and less terrifying than the unknown? And what is the unknown? That I may be alone for a long time- maybe forever? That I will never experience love like I felt for him again? That someone will never get to more core again, to see into my soul and still accept me. Or that intense physical attraction, one I have never expereinced before him and wonder if it's possible to ever feel again? Is it all that? That I may have to settle for less than I have (physical attraction, the mental connection) in return for other gains (stability, a home life)? Is it that? Is it too that I now really have to get to know myself again and rely solely on me? I don't really want these things....and it seems more comforting to rely on a love that isn't returned anymore.

 

Wow. Okay....that was so train of thought like. But it's good to get it out. To see it in black and white and where some of these emotions are coming from.... I got some hard work ahead. A lot to think about and looks like some retooling of the brain...

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

On another total other tangent... this was so F'ed up Friday- why did he do this. So, after laying into my ex for about an hour, things start to calm down. I guess I was just drained, and somehow the ex and I just started chatting. Within minutes, he's tell me about this thing that happened back in March, about a month after we decided to reconcile. Some old friend of his from high school came out here for work. He hadn't seen her in 17 years, and they decided to meet up for dinner in his neighborhood. Cool. Didn't bother me- I had heard about her plenty before; she was friends with his high school girlfriend or something back in the day. I've also met plenty of old high school friends out here who have been here on travel, so didn't think anything of it. Anyways, later on the night they had dinner, he tells me he had her over to his place to play on Wii. Hmmm... thought that was a little strange, but ok. About a week later after all that and she's gone back home, I see her posts on my ex's Facebook page as well as my ex's mother's are gone; as though this girl has deleted her profile. I didn't say anything to my ex about it, and to be honest, forgot about it really.

 

So, Friday night, without me asking or anything, my ex just volunteers up this story.... that this girl apparently came on to him when they were out in March. Wanted to get with him. Told him she had other affairs in the past 12 years that she's been married. My ex tells her no, tells her she needs to get help and either get out her marriage or get couple's counseling, and asks her not to contact him again. My ex NEVER told me any of this back in March, only told me they had fun at dinner and she seemed to have some regrets about getting married and having kids so young. Apparently she goes home and proceeds to tell her husband about the affairs and eventually for some reason gets locked up in a mental hospital. The husband goes balistic on my ex, tearing up his email with messages, and, eventually, in June, sending an email to everyone in my ex's office that accused him of having an affair with wife and breaking up his home and that of his 3 kids.... My ex ends the story telling me not to tell his mother.

 

Okay. Good story. He continued to chat for another 20 after all that; I needed to break the tension, he was probably trying to pacify me and calm me down. But why in the heck tell me all that story????? Especially after I just dumped on him verbally and very harshly for an hour? It kind of made me mad, like he was playing on my emotions, confiding in me to gain my confidence again or make things seem better or just not respecting the decision and boundaries that should be obvious the moment he broke up with me. I mean, seriously.... he couldn't contact me when my grandfather died in July (he said he thought it would be better not to, that he thought it might upset me), but it's okay to tell me this story and confide in me that way and tell me to not tell his mother? What they heck?

 

Sorry... just a vent there in the end. Haven't told anyone that, and I have no idea what to make of it....

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