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Need help with a serious decision


nicensneezy

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this may turn out long, if so, sorry everyone

 

ok, I am at this point in my current relationship where I need to decide whether I'm staying or going. Here is the background story:

 

Been together for a year, friends for a year prior to the relationship, 10 year age gap of which I am the youngest, He was my lecturer in uni, we have a lot in common, both intelligent, artistic, like the same music and movies and everything, sex is excellent (for me anyway, and I'm pretty sure everythings cool for him too, but no one can be certain, eh?)

 

so we have perfect grounds for a good relationship, but I still have problems with the way he has treated me in the past (ie, first half of the relationship) and questions are still unanswered.

 

When I first got involved with him, he was really immature and sexist and inconsiderate, hurt my feelings, blatantly dismissed me for porn, would point out every pair of t*ts he seen in a day, couldn't watch a movie with me without getting off at the first glance of a female who was remotely good looking, blantantly ignore me if there was a) another attractive girl nearby, b) if there were t*ts on the tv. He kept porn mags all over his flat and beside his bed and bragged about them, asking if i want to see it, when I said no he would tell me about some ex of his who did. He tried to get me to make adult videos for him to put online. He kept nude pictures of his ex and one of his female friends on his computer whilst he was with me. He has a history of cheating and betraying friends, so I asked him "can you promise me you wont hurt/cheat on me?", he said NO!!! he then regreted saying this and tried to take back that statement, but it was too late. He commented on my physical attributes as "oh its ok, you have the personality". He lied about certain female friends and didn't explain to me his relationship with them when he had their names on his phone as "sexy andria" etc.. so this was a cause for concern. He then humiliated me infront of his friends who i'd just met and made me out to be a demanding, controlling freak, when I am not. I took all this bullsh*t liek a b*tch without uttering a word.

 

Ok, so thats the first half of the relationship. He finally realised he was being a c*nt when I cried my eyes out in the middle of the street in utter frustration.

 

Now on to the second half. This were great, finally, peace, self-esteem, no worries, everything was great, we would do creative things, have meaningful conversations etc etc... then he moved to my city to find more work, so i helped him find a place. Unfortunately the first flatmate he found tried to con him out of money and stole his passport, so I helped him find another place, where his still is and is happy. He is looking for work so I try and help him with projects and come up with ideas etc, I fell pregnant by accident during this carry on, I had an abortion. When I was waiting to get the abortion I was suffering quite a lot from morning sickness and was constantly ill, I didn't have anyone to turn to cause I couldn't tell anyone about the pregnancy, so I went online and tried to get some advice. But he found my posts on a forum and then gave me sh*t for it! He was so mean, and he didn't even stop to think for a minute the situation I was in that there is no possible way I can talk to my family friends if I'm f*cking pregnant!! so he took away the only way I could talk about anything. The day before my doctors appointment to ask for the abortion, I wanted to have a chat to him on the phone before hand, he promised he'd call but he instead went out drinking with his mates and didn't call, all he did was brag about how good a night he was having. After the abortion things slowly started to get better and i recovered, but now certain questions about things he has said and done in the past are starting to arise, and he conveniently cant remember most of the things he has done!!

 

Then, one of my breif exes (not even a fling, just a silly thing) started working in a venue me and my bf visit a lot, and he was paranoid!! Dispite all the crap he gave me and he has expressed a morbid curiosity for getting to know these guys and "chat" with them about me, and I dont want him to do this, cause that is none of his business... and when I reminded him not to talk to him or ask him anything, he didnt know why, and got mad

 

He is probably cyber stalking me just now, and reading all of this, if so, I hope he reads in carefully, because this is serious.

 

A few other notes about him, he has had a history of drug problems, he had a bit of a drinking problem when I first started seeing him. He has been "officially banned from dating students" because he has done that too much.

 

I grew up with a mother who had drug and drink problems and had an abusive upbringing, and grew up really fast so I am ahead of my years.

 

So, basically, I don't know if this relationship is worth all that. At the same time I am struggling because we do get on really well, and I know that most men are somewhat like this so is it worth ending it?

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No, most men are NOT "somewhat like that"! It might seem that way on a forum like this where people come to talk about problem relationships, but truly, there are good men out there.

 

Considering how you describe the first half of the relationship, I don't understand why you stuck around for the second half. He sounds horrid. And you already know that he won't emotionally support you when times are tough. What's keeping you with him, after all that? Don't you believe you deserve better?

 

By the way, if you clear your browser history every time there's no reason for him to know where you are posting.

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Not to be rude or sound mean, but I would RUN from this man and NEVER look back! I would run so fast and far you wouldn't see me for dust, lol.

 

"He has a history of drug problems" -drinking problems and has been officially banned from dating students" because he has done that too much.

 

The above are more than enough reasons to run, nevermind all the added shockers you listed in your post. I'd actually be more than shocked/surprised if you chose to stay with this guy.

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This guy will only control and destroy you if you continue on. This is emotional abuse. He has no care for your feelings, especially rubbing other women in your face. It sounds like he is a classic narcissist, caring only about himself. What kind of guy is going to get in your business about you talking to other men, but he can have porn and old photos of exes laying about his house? Its a one way street, when it should be two. If it has only been a year or so, then cut your losses now. He won't get any better, and it will destroy your self esteem in the meantime. I speak from experience, five years I spent with someone like this, it NEVER gets better. An * * * * * * * is an * * * * * * * , the only thing you can change about a man is...well...nothing!

Best of luck to you, keep us posted!

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sunflour. I didnt mean to offend you, but i have had nothing but bad luck when it comes to men like this, so that is just my experience. I should have said "there is a high probability of running into another man like this"

 

and by the way, who said he used my computer?? LOL, Does my history magically come up on his laptop miles away over in his flat?

 

Thanks for the advice, I don't know why I stuck with him either, I guess I am not as strong as I thought I've been torn for a while now, I do believe I deserve better, but judging from my history it seems so unlikely to find a decent guy and I'm worried. Thanks though

 

Capricorn3. Thanks for your honesty, I feel like I should just leave but I dont feel right about leaving him based on his past and stuff that happened almost a decade before our relationship. I could be being stupid though.

 

Thanks for the replies.. I still need more people to tell me things. So far everyone I've spoke to, two of my friends and my mother and my brother seem to be edging towards leaving him, but I'm finding it so hard to make this decision for some reason

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Thanks for the reply, I dont think its actually as bad as this, I guess I got a bit emotional on my first post, though they are facts. He doesnt have the photos anymore because his hardrive got wiped (whether he'd still have them if they hadnt i dont know) and the porn mags are definitely gone cause i helped him move and helped gut his flat.

 

He does show remorse about the way he was, I just have trouble getting over it

 

I am sorry to hear about that 5 year relationship i hope things are ok now.

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I grew up with a mother who had drug and drink problems and had an abusive upbringing, and grew up really fast so I am ahead of my years.

 

 

Yeah. So did I, friend.

 

My advice to you is this:

 

Get out of this relationship and as far away from this guy as far and as fast as possible.

 

He is a total turd in every single way. He's destroying your life.

 

Find a therapist or other professional so you can start to work at addressing what is going on with YOU and take care of YOU. Make that your number one priority for as long as you need to.

 

So as you get rid of this guy, you can break out of the isolation he has been pushing you into. Of course it's scary, yeah, that's why you need to surround yourself with good and healthy people on your terms.

 

I will be honest. Looking at what you have written, I think this is a matter of life or death for you. Yes, that serious.

 

This isn't how life is meant to be lived. You deserve so much more, and can easily have it. Your history is telling you a story of the world and people that is WARPED. The world and people are actually a lot less ugly and difficult as all that.

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You will only keep meeting guys like this if you believe will. We attract the likeness of our past a lot of times (like growing up with drugs and then dating a guy with drugs, etc.) Staying with him sends yourself a message that you don't deserve anything more and it sounds like you know that's not true. I've never once dated a guy who treated me like that and I've dated a lot of guys...which goes to show they're not "all the same".

What I don't understand is how anyone can treat someone like that and then be surprised and hurt when the person decides to leave them. It's like your guy thinks that being nice for a couple months erases the hurt and damage he caused to your heart. But that's his problem to deal with....

Your 'problem' to deal with is ....Do you really want to be in this relationship given his patterns of behavior, his lifestyle and the way he's treated you in the past? Can you move on from that hurt at this point? Do you believe you deserve more? Forget about whether or not you'll find it because YOU WILL. It won't take a Prince Charming to upgrade from this guy, anyways. You can and will find better if that's what you're looking for.

Is that what you're looking for or are you happy with what you've got?

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savignon. I dont deliberately meet guys like this, and I dont believe I deserve guys like this, I said there is a high probablility that I will meet yet another * * * * * * * , and my mums problems dont reflect on my relationships, this guy is the only guy with this sort of history, and I have been with a few... i seriously think its just bad luck.

 

The reason I am torn is because he has stopped being like this, and is no longer the person from the 1st half of the relationship, but because I let this happen for so long, It's cause a lot of damage, and I've got myself trapped and too scared to get now.

 

itsallgrand. Really? oh, sorry to hear that. Well if you need to rant, you know where I am. Thanks, but I have had councilling to get over some of the abuse, and that doesnt bother me, the reason I mentioned it was because of my bf's history, and how it has a lot more significance to me because of that.

 

Thanks people for your advice.

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Did you not tell him that you were pregnant and planning an abortion? From the way you wrote the post it sounds like you couldn't even tell him that and that he found out about your pregnancy online. If your relationship is that bad that you can't even tell your partner about the pregnancy then you may as well not be in any relationship. Being alone is far better than being with man like this. He has no respect for you and no respect for relationships. It is not just what happened in the first part of the relationship..he also showed you that when the chips are down and you need support, he will not come through for you..and, in fact, will rub that in your face. I would walk away from this guy. He is not an adult.

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Did you not tell him that you were pregnant and planning an abortion? From the way you wrote the post it sounds like you couldn't even tell him that and that he found out about your pregnancy online. If your relationship is that bad that you can't even tell your partner about the pregnancy then you may as well not be in any relationship.

 

i did tell him about the pregancy. ass-u-me.

 

But thanks for the comment, he was very childish yeah

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savignon. I dont deliberately meet guys like this, and I dont believe I deserve guys like this, I said there is a high probablility that I will meet yet another * * * * * * * , and my mums problems dont reflect on my relationships, this guy is the only guy with this sort of history, and I have been with a few... i seriously think its just bad luck.

Of course you don't "deliberately" meet guys like this....let me explain a little more what I meant and you certainly don't have to agree with me. Just offering another perspective.

I think that we attract sometimes what we believe is going to happen. A lot of people will say, "I will probably just meet the same kind of guy again" and then they do. I wonder if they said to themselves, "I really deserve better than this and I'm going to meet a guy who treats me well" ...what would happen then?

You say you don't believe you deserve this and yet you're still in this unhealthy relationship. Why?? If you believe you deserve better, then go pursue it!!

As for what I said about your mum's past....the reason it's still relevant is that of course your mum is your mum and no matter what she did, you probably loved her and your home was your home. Most of us can be comfortable in uncomfortable situations as a result of our past experiences. That was no dig at your mum, just to be clear.

I hope you find what you know you deserve.

Even though he's treating you well right now, I hear you saying that something doesn't feel right and that you're scared. Also, the damage he caused in the past is not erased in your heart and you don't have to stay with him out of fear or because he's changed his attitude a little.

Trust your gut.

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yeah, thanks savignon, i get what you mean. I don't think it's as simple as that though i wish it was.

 

i guess i'm scared of being petty about the past, because he has made an effort to change.. it might look as if i'm ungrateful for his effort. We have a good relationship now, he is great, I just have this all going on in the background and it's so confusing.

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I do think it is as simple as that. No he is not great. How is he great? It is you that is making this complicated. Nothing you've described about him is great. The first half or the second half, or any part of what you've described. Perhaps so we understand you better, you should tell us about the great things about him.

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He doesn't sounds like that great of a catch, in either the first or second half of your relationship. Sometimes we don't think it's that bad until you actually write it out & read what you wrote, and it makes you realize objectively how bad it actually is. If someone else wrote your exact post about their bf & their relationship, what do you think you would tell them?

 

I would rather be alone than be with this guy. Good thing he got his own place & didn't move in with you.

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If I may simplify things for you. I know that every woman has a different ideal of what a serious relationship should be like, but there are a few things that should never be compromised. ie: respect, communication, security, trust in yourself as well as your partner. You do not have any of these things in the capacity required for a committed meaningful relationship. Something I gather you want in your life and something I gather he tells you he wants. In the simplest terms: HE DOESN'T! Guys will do anything for love but will say anything for sex. He hasn't really changed his ways but has done a good job of creating the illusion that he is trying very hard to be a better person for you.

 

I am sure you feel or may even believe that he is trying his very best to treat you well but you cannot be a recovery program for the relationship challenged. Its easy to get played as a fool and there are a few key flags in your OP that compel me to think you're in a fragile state and deep state of denial.

 

Your "Getting along great" may be true only because you want it to be true but how well can you really be getting along if you have valid reason to believe he's cyber stalking you and wants to befriend your exes to get the dish on you?

 

Right there you have described a gross disrespect, terrible communication, lack of trust, zero security, and I'm sorry to say but he's controlling you and it sounds like he's looking for the dirt to ditch you once and for all. Yup that's right, it really sounds like he's looking for something so bad about you that he can justify the way he treated you in the first half of his relationship so he can move on without any drama. Plus, you're easy to manipulate so I believe the sex is great for him too. He wouldn't go through the hard work to be with you if the sex wasn't great because that's probably the only reason he's sticking around. That and the fact he enjoys the attention/affections of a "nice" girl.

 

I say buck up girl. You don't owe him an explanation or call...just move on and begin to march to your own tune. Pick up the pieces and have a little fun and when you're ready, don't settle for any less than the best.

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thanks for the replies everyone, this has been a great help. Things are become more clear now.

 

Well I have a night out planned with him tonight, and I'm taking him to the beach near my city where he has never been before, After this, I'll have a final talk with him.

 

Fingers crossed I can actually say what I really feel for a change.

 

xx

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thanks

 

well, so we went out and spent time together. I went out with his workmates and they were all a*sholes to me, and he was out 95% of the time smoking, so I was feeling totally alienated and left out. I talked to him about that and he understood and agreed that most of them are crap.. but he has to work with them i guess.

 

The next day we went to the sea, and it was such a nice day !!?!? he bought us lunch and coffee and he was really happy to be at the sea, it's been like 10 years for him (apart from the skinny dipping with his ex and her friend) .. *sigh* (oh yeah, i forgot to mention, she was his ex at the time as well.. oh, but that was before us, so it's none of my business huh? ](*,) )

 

we had a great day, it was lovely and this is so hard because it's 50% great and 50% sadness/ hurt/ anger etc... I'm really finding it hard to make a decision cause I don't want to throw away what is potentially a good relationship in the future.. i sometimes think i'm being naive and that he could be horrible behind my back, judging from the things he has said to me, and his history I actually think he will, and i'm thinking like that more and more and more these days. But then we get on so well with no worries and then I'm back to the beginning.

 

Thanks for listening to my indecisiveness everyone, lol.

 

 

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I know its hard but if its 50% good now I wouldn't expect it to become anything better in the near or distant future. Don't you deserve better than 50% good?

 

The guy took you out and spent 95% of his time out smoking. That is far ruder than his work companions. He gets away with treating you badly one day and being mediocre the next. That's not going to change and the nice days shouldn't make up for the bad.

 

You sound like a nice girl that deserves better and I think the answer is quite simple.

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Oh my god.

 

End it, end it, end it, END IT.

 

He's not worth it. He has acted like a douche in the past (people don't magically change overnight...they make act "sweet" for awhile to earn brownie points, but really. His personality is his personality).

And on top of it all, it sounds like he is still sometimes a douche.

 

If you say to yourself "Well, I know most men are sortof piggish like this... so I may as well keep this one." then you should know you are in the wrong relationship.

 

I know a lot of women say things like "Not all men are like this, MY MAN IS PERFECT!" and that can sound condescending and just make you even more depressed and/or just not believe that they know their man very well.

 

Well, most men (and human beings in general) are not perfect. But trust me, there are men out there that are not complete assholes and womanizers who try and crush your self-esteem. There are sweet boys, nice men, and big-hearted guys out there.

 

I don't see why you'd bother keeping this one. He sounds stressful...

imagine waking up 20 years from now and still being with him.

has your lifetime together been happy and filled with love?

If no, then leave him and feel proud that you've done so.

 

I'm sure your future will thank you for it.

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MissKnowitall, thanks again for your replies. The answer is so simple your right, but why is it so hard? lol..

 

lucidloser, yeah I certainly don't see myself with him forever anymore (i dont think i ever did really) I hope to find a guy that isn't a complete * * * * * * * !

 

Ok, it has been a while since my last post. Since then, even MORE reason to dump him has appeared.. and yet, I am still with him attending to his every need. I am clearly such a weakling, and really need help with this.

 

Remember from my first post, "He lied about certain female friends and didn't explain to me his relationship with them when he had their names on his phone as "sexy andria" etc.. so this was a cause for concern"

 

well, he never did explain to me the relationship with these women, they were "just accosiates" hardly knew them. Yet he always acted sucpisiously whenever they were mentioned.. such as stuttering, and mincing his words etc. It turned out he has infact slept with one of them (maybe more) AND it was this woman he cheated on his ex fiance with.

 

I know I shouldn't use things that came before the relationship as a reason to be hurt/dump him, but after about 6 months of him acting suspiciously I finally looked him in the eye, quoted to him my reasons for being suspicious, asked him who they really were and what his relationship was and yet he STILL LIED.

 

I walked out the pub we were in and said it was finished, but he didn't understand why!!! He thinks it's because I am crazy b*tch who is causing a fuss and thinks it's the events of his past that I dumping him for, even though I have made it perfectly clear to him that it is the lies and the unnecessary comments and the fact I cant trust him.

 

But yet I am still his girlfriend, because I for some reason i want to help him while he works in a * * * * ty minimum wage job, to get a real good job. He has just found himself a 2 month contract that could be his ticket to a new job and more that £20 a week to spare, and I don't want to break up with him during this time incase I cause him to lose it with the stress. and I KNOW I don't owe him this and and I know that this isn't my problem, how do I get the guts to dump him.

 

I also want to get a chance to talk to my ex before he goes straight to him and bull * * * * s me to him.. so I want to wait until I have enough money to straighten things out with the people he will probably go and try and get the dirt on me from.

 

arrrghh

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OK, I did it.

 

I told him i want out the relationship.. all i need to do now is collect my things from his place

 

I dont care what he thinks, if he wants to go around thinking I finished it cause of one silly thing, and that i am a drama queen.. he can,. I just want to have at least one day of not feeling like sh*t over things he has said to me.

 

 

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He is obviously not a complete ass hole or you wouldn't be with him for so long. You don't seem like the type of person who would just take all this lying down, have you spoken to him about this?

 

It seems like a lot of people in this thread want you to ditch this guy strait away and maybe I'm being devil's advocate here but, did he give a reason for lying to you? I know that if I had a checkered past i really wouldn't want to share it with someone i cared about. Do you think you are maybe being unfair in asking him about his past before you? Have you not done anything in your past you would rather forget?

 

As for the problems you faced at the start of the relationship it seems like you guys managed to put that behind you when he moved. You said your self "things were great"

 

If i found my boyfriend talking on a forum about a major thing like me having an abortion i think i would be hurt and want to know why he couldn't talk to me about it. If he was mean with it then that is something else though.

 

You seem to get on great with this guy now despite him hiding some things from you. If you do stick with him make him earn your trust again. Everyone can be an * * * * * * * sometimes (i know i can be) if the negative attitude comes back, get rid of him.

 

I have had direct experience of an emotionally abusive relationship being constantly told directly i am not good enough, that i need to loose weight, that i will never get anyone as good as him, and other stuff i really do not want to mention. Yeah what he said was bad but it wasn't emotional abuse IMHO. It sounds like typical stupid remarks made by someone who speaks before they think.

 

What worries me more is that you are being misleading you obviously have an agenda for staying with this guy now, if you really think he will go to your ex and try to "get the dirt on me" then you should definitely get rid of him because there is no trust at all left in the relationship.

 

It sounds like you need to stop living in the past and actually compensate for the other person being human. Why don't you tell us the good things about him as well that made you stay with him this long? maybe then we can all make an informed decision and give you decent advice.

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Do you think you are maybe being unfair in asking him about his past before you? Have you not done anything in your past you would rather forget?

 

 

If i found my boyfriend talking on a forum about a major thing like me having an abortion i think i would be hurt and want to know why he couldn't talk to me about it. If he was mean with it then that is something else though.

 

I didn't just come out a ask him about his past.. he either just told me for no reason, or he kept being weird about certain people from his past for months, till the point where I felt I had to know what actually went on, cause he was being weird about things for about 6 months. I said to him I feel uneasy and that I really need to know because it bothers me.. and he lied.

 

I talked to him constantly about the pregnancy/abortion. For that whole time he was the ONLY person i spoke to. I had to hide it from everyone else, so I went online to have a few other people to at least talk to. Having an abortion was difficult, i had medical/heath and moral questions i needed to ask and a lot of things I needed to just ...say and yes, he was actually quite mean to me about it.

 

..

 

Yes there were SO many good things about our relationship. That is exactly why i was having such a hard time MAKING the decision!!!

 

anyway.. I have actually broke up with him now, I said that in my last post..

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20 Walk Away Quotes: For when the T...
20 Walk Away Quotes: For when the Time Has Come to Finally Leave

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