The last note

[frail]

I don't know if i could write a suicide note. What would i say? Why would i pour my heart out? No one seems to listen to me while i'm here and alive. Go figure they MIGHT listen after i'm dead, but what good does that do for me?? I'm dead.

 

I have no desire to continue living. There's nothing to live for. What i want in life doesn't exist. And i spend so many days feeling lost and worthless, depressed and lonely, angry and resentful. Everything good is happening somewhere else. I don't seem to get a slice of it. Or when i do, it gets taken away before i can take a bite. People find that i can be ripped apart and easily disposed of. Each time that happens, a little part of me dies.

 

I had met someone i truly felt with all my being, would be the one that would'nt let me down. And boy was i wrong. All i want is to be loved. But i know now just how dangerous love can be. And there is really no such thing as unconditional love, a safe kind of love. I've been betrayed yet again. All i seem to feel is pain. And i rather feel nothing at all, then this hell.

 

I had read a blog by someone who was talking about a friend that commited suicide a year before. He expressed his anger and how cowardly it was to do such a thing. How selfish it was. So i guess this guy was supposed to continue on feeling the pain so everyone else can sleep easier at night that he's still alive. I should not kill myself to my mommy won't cry. Don't get me wrong, i love my mom. But this is my life. Tired of living it for somebody else. And if i choose not to go through with it anymore, so be it. They can hate me, i'm dead anyway. Some people MAY hurt by my actions. But times seems to heal the wounds for everybody else. I'll become a distant memory that rarely pops up. One day they won't hurt anymore.

 

But i continue to hurt everyday. By rejection, and negative thoughts pounded into my head from * * * * ty experiences. I put myself through hell as well. It's not just other people. I do it to myself. I don't think i'm fixable.

 

I don't know how i'll feel tomorrow, but i know right now, i want to die. I want to kill myself. Death isn't my only option. I know that, but it seems like the best option at this point. I really have no business being here anymore. I was pretty much born without a purpose.

 

I've had a lot of dreams about trains. I'm going to the train tracks tomorrow. I'm going to watch a train go by. I'm going to close my eyes. I'm going to listen to the sound. If it brings me a sense of peace, then it's the last sound i want to hear.

[Tetsuo_Shima]

your not that much older than me. let me tell you something. not to be a high and mighty guy or anything but ive been there. And yeah people are douchebags. your right it is your life. I tried to kill myself twice now, ironically it was a while back that i was attacked and discovered what death feels like. I was unconscious for nearly a half hour before anyone found me that day. thing is, i came back. i have no idea why. it was very... well black. nothing. just nothing. id been jumped by an ex's new boyfriend, he hit me clean in the face with a bat. i doubt id have come too again were it not for a class mate finding me in the woods on the way home. let me tell you that getting to death, well that's easy. sometimes it doesn't hurt at all. im not gonna bs you here just give you my experience, it was all dark, no sound, no feeling, no sense of time,all there is, is coldness. extreame cold. there is no sight, absolutely nothing. i remember my last thought before i couldnt think at all was " let it come, i want this"

 

and then i was found by that class mate. it started as a muffled blurb. then a painfull tingling through out my whole body. I opened my eyes bye there was no sight still, i remember that it hurt insurmountably bad, like my eyes were being ripped out by crows. my sight came back and it looked just like when a tv has no signal, and you feel it crawl back over your eyes. I stared at that class mate for what felt like for ever, watched her panicking around me, then the teacher came and a big group of people i didn't know, I was un able to move. I kept thinking to myself, why cant i talk? why cant i move? I cant feel my body, am I paralyzed? for life? why cant i hear? What's going on? my hearing came in and out in spurts for a bit, but i still couldnt move. or speak just stare. they lifted me up a bit and i felt s sharp pain shoot down my neck and spine. turns out when i got hit by the bat, i spun around and smashed my face on a rock. they way i was laying down cut off circulation to my brain, and most of my body, i was mostly blue. the first gasp of air was very painful. i got nuasious and ver dizzy, and then the first feeling i remember was extreme fear. i dont even know why i was scared, just thats what my body felt. after i started to breath again i was unable to move for about a half hour, my brain had swelled in my head very badly.I had a very big concussion. and id bitten a large chunk out of my inner check and twisted some teeth. no memory of who i was for the first hour or two. just fear. thats all i could feel.

 

Just thinking about it puts me in trembles again. I was told by the doctor i was unconscious for a bout 25 to 30 minutes, and legally dead on the scene for nearly 7 minutes.

 

I dunno why im still here, and thankfully other then some damage to my short term memory i made a full recovery. life... it gets pretty bad sometimes for me. ive been through hell, ive had to sell everything ive ever owned for 112 dollars and leave my home country to live ina place i've hated since childhood. my dad abandoned me on the phone when i was really young, been passed around the family like a commodity and i was heavily abused as a child... I can tell you this, none of that pain compares to what i felt after I came back that day. none of it. There was a lesson I learned, and you can take from my experience what ever you will, but life is exactly what we make it, if we decide to hate it and that bad things will inevitably happen to us, then they will. if you truly seek and set out to make it what you really want it and let nothing get in your way, then the world has a habit of bending over backwards to accommodate you. There is no fate but what we ourselves make for ourselves. If you want it to get better, then be the change you want to see. look at the things that make you miserable and ask yourself how can they be improved, and those that walk all over you? well, who gives a * * * * about them? id suggest looking in to some new hobbies, maybe even just up and relocate some where you've always wanted to go. O picked up the guitar instead of the 12 guage i went to the store to get to end my own life. Im glad i dig 6 strings instead of 6 feet. yes i battle suicidal depression still. but I think ill make it through. I truly hope you find your saving grace too frail. maybe in time if you'll let it, you wont feel so frail anymore. if you want, feel free to pm me anytime, ill be more than happy to help if i can in anyway. Best of luck!

[Tory Barton]

I really have no business being here anymore. I was pretty much born without a purpose.

 

Nobody is born with a purpose. You give yourself a purpose, whether that purpose is simply to enjoy life, or to help diseased children. There's always something meaningful you can do with the time you've been given. Don't give up yet.

 

Fight.

[Difficult]

What does your therapist say about all of this and has he or she adjusted your medication lately?

 

Seems like you made a new friend Tetso in Canada. Thats interesting and it sounds like he understands

[surfNski]

You are down, I can understand that. I feel a lot of the same feelings but suicide is not an option for me. right now I am in extreme pain, the love of my life left me. Just walked out with ease, all the promises, the names of our future kids, the family dinners, gone. I have almost no friends and almost no family but I know that something amazing might be around the corner.

Being dead is the end, no more chances, no more possibilities. That's not an option for me, I have had to many good things happen in life. Sure, a lot of those good things walked out of my life, hell, I even lost my dog but the pain is worth the chance to feel some of those things again.

 

No one is going to save you, no one is going to support you until you have the ability to support them back. Its like the saying goes "you wont have fun meeting people if they dont have fun meeting you"