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Having trouble trusting my GF


t101

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  • We've been together 3 years
  • We're in love
  • She's had about 10 boyfriends and cheated on all of them (including me 2 different times, before we were serious)
  • Most of her friends are guys. She regularly hangs out with them one on one, though I don't suspect her of cheating right now.
  • By her own words, she feels there is nothing wrong with cheating if either party in the relationship 'stops caring about the other'...though she says she cares about me very much right now
  • She's told me if she were to cheat on me, she certainly wouldn't tell me for fear that I would leave her

 

With the above information, I find myself constantly wondering if she's losing interest...and if she'll cheat on me. It's gotten to the point where it affects every part of our relationship, and we fight about it regularly. She wants desperately for me to trust her, but doesn't know what she can do...

 

I'm of the belief that both parties in a relationship need to make a commitment to each other to be faithful, regardless of the situation. If someone loses interest, they owe it to the other party to break up with them before seeing somebody else. I've told her this...she apologizes, but doesn't agree with it and refuses to lie to me about it.

 

I really don't want to lose her, but am really struggling with this. I'm not ready to break up with her just yet. Obviously I've just stated the worst things about her, but she is a great person in every other way. I'm desperate for ideas on how to gain trust in her.

 

Advice???

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By her own words, she feels there is nothing wrong with cheating if either party in the relationship 'stops caring about the other'...though she says she cares about me very much right now

She's told me if she were to cheat on me, she certainly wouldn't tell me for fear that I would leave her

Of course you can't trust her - no sensible person would.

 

I would not stay with someone who makes it very clear that she has no conscience about cheating and lying.

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My advice ?..eventhough you said you didn't want to, it is all too clear you need to break up with her. She has taken care of that part herself. You can't trust her, considering she has cheated on you twice already, and the fact that she has cheated on all others, what makes you think this will stop ?

 

It will not last, and it is better to break it up now than to go on, and get hurt even more so.

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From what you've laid out, I think any normal person on this board will tell you to get out now. She seems messed up in the head. She's basically telling you she has no guilt/remorse about cheating. She's also telling you that she has no problem being unfaithful to you.

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Okay...this isn't love in my opinion (and I could be wrong!), but here's why:

 

LOVE is when you would give yourself, the world, anything for the other person (within reason, of course). Love is about RESPECT and HONESTY.

 

If she'd lie (by omission even) to you if she cheated, that's dishonesty - and it takes away your ability to make a decision if she did cheat, too. That's NOT LOVE! It's not even respectful. It's just wrong, and you clearly know this.

 

Her past record is pretty irrelevant against that one fact. People do cheat, some learn from it, some continue to do it.

 

The other point is - and it's a HARD POINT: when you look at the health of your relationship this is the best rule of thumb - ask the question:

 

"If my relationship continues EXACTLY as it is now, will I be happy forever?"

 

The point is not to sit and wait for things to change. There must always be a point at which you admit, 'well, that's working' or 'well, that's definitely NOT working'.

 

It appears to me that if you continue to wait to trust her, without any assurance that she will not lie or cheat on you (because that's what she's saying if she won't break up before finding someone else), you'll be waiting a pretty long time.

 

I'm sorry, I wish I could say something else. I understand she's being very honest. At this point, she's giving you a choice to make. But unless she agrees on brutal honesty with regards to being monogamous, you don't have many other options...I think.

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Just had a talk with her.

 

Apparently she has a very literal interpretation of the english language. If I lose interest in her, she feels I should break up with her. She agreed to let me know when she feels this way. She also said if she loses interest in me she would break up with me before looking/being with somebody else.

 

As far as her past, she's never cheated on anybody who she felt cared about her.

 

Still not entirely satisfied...I'll have to mull this over for a week or two. I don't want to break up with her because we get along great most of the time. If I could legitimately trust that she wouldn't cheat on me (which would also entail that she wouldn't cheat on me...), I think we would be really happy together.

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    [*]She's had about 10 boyfriends and cheated on all of them (including me 2 different times, before we were serious)

    [*]Most of her friends are guys. She regularly hangs out with them one on one, though I don't suspect her of cheating right now.

 

Sounds like someone I know. She cheated on all her boyfriends and doesn't feel guility or anything. but she gets "heartbroken" if her boyfriend see another girl.

what a cold-hearted person.

 

if she cheated on all her boyfriend, what makes you think she wouldn't cheat on you.

 

please do yourself a favor and leave her before she leaves you.

 

you own it to yourself and your dignity to do that.

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Trust me when I tell you that it is not going to feel ANY better when she comes to you and says she's lost interest and off to pursue some other guy. While she won't have "cheated on you", she'll have devastated you just the same.

If I told my guy, "Don't worry....I'll tell you when I lose interest so that we can break up before I cheat on you", I'm pretty sure he'd be running for the door.

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"She's told me if she were to cheat on me, she certainly wouldn't tell me for fear that I would leave her"

 

IF? I'd say that's a red flag right there. The word "if" shouldn't be in there. She sounds really immature. How old is she? She sounds like a friend of mine. My advice, break up with her before you set yourself up for heartache.

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Plain and simple Trust is what holds a relationship together. If you can never trust your partner in the end and they are not willing to change....it just wont work. You deserve much better, its hard now to think but theres hope. I have been cheated on before by an ex bf, thought I couldnt live without him. Year later my bf now came into my life out of no where. Theres a reason why my ex never worked out I was meant to be with someone else. I hope this helps.

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  • She's had about 10 boyfriends and cheated on all of them (including me 2 different times, before we were serious)
  • By her own words, she feels there is nothing wrong with cheating if either party in the relationship 'stops caring about the other'...though she says she cares about me very much right now
  • She's told me if she were to cheat on me, she certainly wouldn't tell me for fear that I would leave her

 

Wow, talk about a healthy relationship.

I don't know how you can be with someone who tells you this.

 

And I don't understand, if you weren't serious, then it wouldn't be cheating.... yet you are saying that she did cheat. So was it not cheating or are you trying to justify her actions in an attempt to justify staying with her?

 

I say cut it out with the excuses and the lies you're telling yourself and find yourself a woman who wants to commit to you and does not think that cheating is ok as long as one person doesn't care about the other anymore.

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Signs she is not faithful
Signs she is not faithful

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