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How do you know when it's just a rebound?


i miss her 2
What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What...
What If My Ex Wants Me Back - What To Do?

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My ex left me almost two months ago and I found out she is with another guy who I personally think is trash. She said that nobody has ever been as romantic as him and that she thinks it's weird that I never made little gifts for her, etc. Anyway, she was with this guy right away after we broke up as far as I know. A part of her can't let go of me I think and she even said that she thinks I'm more suited for her in the long term but she is too young to settle down (she is 23 and we have been together for almost 4 years). Anyway, would this be a rebound relationship or what? The bad thing is, we live together and I have been nice to her through most of this (I know thats bad) but i have also put my foot down on a couple of occassions.

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First, why is your ex still living with you? This is already a bad situation to be in after a break up because clearly you're still hurting. And it looks like she is "moved on".

 

Why should you even care about the people she is dating now? Whether he's a rebound? She's out of your life. As hard as it is, try to move on too. But do kick her out first.

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I would say it IS a rebound because:

1. You all still live together

2. She is compairing the two of you.

3. She got with him right after you.

 

I think under most circumstances a relationship does not offically end until someone moves out. (ex. The Breakup) But if you can move, I would go ahead and do it.

Your in a really bad spot right now, she gets the benefit of you and all the great things about you, and all the physical love from the other guy.

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I would say it IS a rebound because:

1. You all still live together

2. She is compairing the two of you.

3. She got with him right after you.

 

I think under most circumstances a relationship does not offically end until someone moves out. (ex. The Breakup) But if you can move, I would go ahead and do it.

Your in a really bad spot right now, she gets the benefit of you and all the great things about you, and all the physical love from the other guy.

 

 

The messed up thing is she started to talk about getting with me again and we were being intimate. Then I saw she was still with the other guy and I pushed her even farther away. Truth be told I think she is scared to be away from me completely. She will realize when I am gone forever that she made a mistake.

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Why should you even care about the people she is dating now? Whether he's a rebound? She's out of your life. As hard as it is, try to move on too. But do kick her out first.

 

 

Because I feel like I screwed up with her and I can make our relationship work again someday. She even said to me that's very rare to find two people (us) that are so compatible but she is into this new guy and I'm pretty sure it's because towards the end there I bored her.

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Don't believe a word she is saying. She is trying to manipulate you. She has you played. She is the one who dumped you. She knows you are vulnerable and she's taking advantage of that fact. Don't let her walk all over you. Move her out of you move out so you can get away from this negativity.

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starting a new thread, will not change the opinions of people on this board, i know it seems im hard on you, and the reason is i was in this situation..getting run over by my ex, telling me all the things that kept me around..I let her walk all over me because it was better than her not being there at all..but im telling you just as everyone else will tell you..boot this girl out..it doesnt even matter if its a rebound, she is SEEING someone and still living with you, and doing things with you when its convenient for her, everything is on her terms, and sad to say, but you control nothing, not even yourself, because of what your letting her get away with.

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The messed up thing is she started to talk about getting with me again and we were being intimate. Then I saw she was still with the other guy and I pushed her even farther away. Truth be told I think she is scared to be away from me completely. She will realize when I am gone forever that she made a mistake.

 

 

Ya, see this is a slippery slope that ALOT of people get into. The best thing to do if you want to get back together with her is leave, Fast, go no contact.

Let her feel that fear, let her miss you. Let her figure out that the other guy is not you. And then after you've had some time to heal decide if you want to be with her.

So many people will stay and hold out hope of getting back together. What you are really doing is holding your gf's hand as she gets into a new relationship. She will need you less and less as she will be slowly moving on while you are holding out hope and then when she is done with that she will be done with you.

I think NC is overrated, but this is one of the situations where I think it is neccesary. You don't want to sit around and be devalued and disrespected while she gets over you. Every day you stay you decrease your chances of getting back together. And even if you don't get back together you'll be happier with yourself if you get out now.

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You're so right...but do you think after holding on for a month and a half...it is too late for her to even miss me? My friend thinks eventually she will realize what she lost because I'm her only lifeline. Not to mention just a week ago we were starting to act like we were getting back together and I think she is just really freakin confused. I know this guy is not good for her in the long term at all...even if she say's that he is romantic or whatever.

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You're so right...but do you think after holding on for a month and a half...it is too late for her to even miss me? My friend thinks eventually she will realize what she lost because I'm her only lifeline. Not to mention just a week ago we were starting to act like we were getting back together and I think she is just really freakin confused. I know this guy is not good for her in the long term at all...even if she say's that he is romantic or whatever.

 

If she is confused, and if this new guy isn't good for her in the long run, is all the more reason to leave and go NC now! If will hurt like crazy but I swear this would give you your best shot at getting her back. She needs to feel the VOID of you not being there! She WON'T forget about you! That is the fear us dumpees have of going NC. The more time and space you give her away from you, the more GOOD things they remember. She will miss you. It's happened to me and we are now on our way to reconciling if I can just keep from blowing it. I wish you well.

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If she is confused, and if this new guy isn't good for her in the long run, is all the more reason to leave and go NC now! If will hurt like crazy but I swear this would give you your best shot at getting her back. She needs to feel the VOID of you not being there! She WON'T forget about you! That is the fear us dumpees have of going NC. The more time and space you give her away from you, the more GOOD things they remember. She will miss you. It's happened to me and we are now on our way to reconciling if I can just keep from blowing it. I wish you well.

 

Thank you so much!

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starting a new thread, will not change the opinions of people on this board, i know it seems im hard on you, and the reason is i was in this situation..getting run over by my ex, telling me all the things that kept me around..I let her walk all over me because it was better than her not being there at all..but im telling you just as everyone else will tell you..boot this girl out..it doesnt even matter if its a rebound, she is SEEING someone and still living with you, and doing things with you when its convenient for her, everything is on her terms, and sad to say, but you control nothing, not even yourself, because of what your letting her get away with.

 

Ditto....

 

This has been going on way to long and he keeps starting new threads looking for positive reinforcement. 2 months now.

 

No one is trying to hurt you OP, we want you to see the light.

 

Take a look at the 2 lyrics in my signature. Respect the flame that burned you and learn from it, then embrace freedom.

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I miss her 2... I can't believe you're still living with her!! I remember reading your threads a couple months ago... you're only going to get the exact same response now as you did then... MOVE OUT (or have her move out), and GO NC! You are wasting your time living with her, letting her stomp all over you light an old doormat, and allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. Isn't ANYTHING anyone is saying on ENA sinking in for you?? You keep getting the same responses from people... why aren't you doing anything? If you want even the slimmest chance of getting back together with her, you need stop living together, right now. I've been back together with my ex for almost 7 months now, but it took 6 months of separation for our reconciliation to even have the glimmer of a chance it had. You will never get back together with her the way things are right now. The only thing you have to look forward to is more of the same... she will date with/sleep with/do whatever horrid things you can imagine, with other men, while you will be there for her waiting at her beck and call at home. You are looking less and less appealing the longer you stick around and whine and beg for second chances. If that's what you want, fine, but you won't get anything different the longer you stick around. It hasn't changed at all for the better in two months, has it? Are you a masochist? Do you like being dragged through the mud like this? Do you like having your masculinity (not to mention your pride and dignity) stripped away from you every time you get on your knees to this girl and ask for another chance? It's painful for me to read your threads! Wake up hon!

 

My brother broke up with his first love/girlfriend of 5 years last fall. They had been living together a year and had a LEASE on a duplex, yet he still managed to move out in less than a month. He could tell she was starting to see someone else, so he knew he couldn't stick around and be continually hurt like that. What is holding you back? You don't have a mortgage or anything do you? Leases can be broken, or you can find someone to move in with her, or with you, or whatever you decide. But just do it.

 

I am being harsh, yes, but you need some sense slapped into you boy. If you were within driving distance, I'd be tempted. J/k.

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Well, we did start get back together...we had sex and everytime we go on a date she warms up to me even more. I feel like I need to prove to her that I can unbore her...and well, if I go NC...I can't do that can I?

 

But I guess it's NC for me because I think that even after all this time and all the she has said about being "on a break" I t hink she will miss me. We have too much of a history and maybe I bored her in bed because I didn't dress up or get kinky enough but we were compatible in every other area and I know a sex life can be improved.

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So once they start sleeping with someone else and that person is better in bed than you...does that pretty much mean it's over?

 

The weird thing is she constantly calls over here to tell me when she will be home...where she is...like it actually matters. I only know this because I see on the caller ID...I'm back at the apt for lunch because I knew she wouldn't be here...I did not stay here last night and I did not leave a note telling where I was or anything. For all I know she wasn't here last night either.

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my my my...dude you have to learn..NC is your ONLY option..anyone else telling you otherwise is just filling you with false hope. yourself included..do you hear yourself, when she starts sleeping with someone else? do you not have testicles..dam your history, because she obviously doesnt care about it..you could curl her toes in bed, its not enough because she still owns you..boot her out..or leave yourself and be done with it..LIKE EVERYONE IS SCREAMING AT YOU TO DO!!

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So once they start sleeping with someone else and that person is better in bed than you...does that pretty much mean it's over?

 

The weird thing is she constantly calls over here to tell me when she will be home...where she is...like it actually matters. I only know this because I see on the caller ID...I'm back at the apt for lunch because I knew she wouldn't be here...I did not stay here last night and I did not leave a note telling where I was or anything. For all I know she wasn't here last night either.

 

That's a step in the right direction, and do you see how you've already started to get a positive response?

Which is great, but you still have to go NC. So that she can miss you and fully come back to you. Right now she is just trying to suck you back in enough so she can have you both.

 

Here's the thing. I think that right now you are being selfish and you are keeping her around to make yourself feel better, and so you don't have to feel the pain of a breakup and face the uncertainty of the situation. Or live alone or whatever it is that is keeping you there.

 

If you really love this girl and want to have a relationship with her, and it's not just about your immediate need to not be alone then you will LEAVE. You know that accepting that she is dating someone else and being there while she is is not the best way to get back, and your doing it anyway. Which means that you don't care enough about the relationship to do what's best for it.

And that's fine. But know that you are ruining any chance of ever getting back with her. If you love her you have to let her go.

 

And don't feel bad a lot of us do it, including me. I even have written on my wall right now--He can't come back if I don't ever leave ---

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So once they start sleeping with someone else and that person is better in bed than you...does that pretty much mean it's over?

 

The weird thing is she constantly calls over here to tell me when she will be home...where she is...like it actually matters. I only know this because I see on the caller ID...I'm back at the apt for lunch because I knew she wouldn't be here...I did not stay here last night and I did not leave a note telling where I was or anything. For all I know she wasn't here last night either.

 

Has nothing to do with who is better in bed, SHE IS HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE......Thats what means its over.

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Dude, it's BEEN over for some time now. You can't "unbore" someone (does that term even exist?? lol), and you especially can't pique their interest by always being around. She's been telling you it's over for a long, long time, and you're STILL clinging to these hopeless little crumbs she throws you every now and then. You're trying way too damn hard for someone who really does not care much about you at all anymore, despite what words come from her mouth.

 

You still have never said why you haven't moved out (or had her move out)... why are you skirting the issue? What's stopping you?

 

I have gotten my ex back. It took over 6 months of not interacting with him. Do I need to repeat that? 6 months of NC. Sometimes it takes longer than that.

 

I hate to be harsh, but in the two months you've been here asking the same questions over and over, pining away over her, not taking any action, you have blown your chances of reconciling with her. There. I said it. You've blown it. Had you separated from her a month ago, you might have still had a chance, but instead you mope around like a castrated wimp letting her walk all over you. She has ALL the power now, you have none.

 

I had an ex do the same thing to me as you are doing to her 5 or so years ago. He STILL tries to call me to this day. He drove me absolutely batty... every last little gesture he made (like you buying her dinner), every time he begged me back, turned me off more and more and snuffed out every last little shred of attraction I had for him. It wound down slowly, painfully, just like your situaiton, with me already moved on and dating other guys, him pining away and trying desperately to get me back with little crap, and me throwing him a crumb now and then because I felt sorry for him. I had absolutely no respect for him in the end, because he had no respect for himself. No dignity. He was about as attractive to me as one of my brothers in the end (bleaaahhhhhh!!) Please don't do this to yourself. Don't be that guy. It's so painful to watch.

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I think you need to move on. You are putting yourself through so much pain. The best thing you can do for yourself is move out and disappear from her. She obviously is toying with you, putting you on the back burner, second place. Is this what you deserve? Save yourself the respect and dignity. There's someone better out there for you, think of all the women out there.

 

I was in a similar situation as you, my ex starting dating someone else right after we broke up. I went into LC for 3 weeks, asked her to reconcile, she said no, so I accepted her decision. I questioned sticking around, but I immediately went into NC. It was very painful at first but it's been 8 weeks of NC, I can finally say that I don't care about her relationship and whether she comes back or not. I feel so much better now. I'm so glad I went NC, I knew that if I stuck around I would be in a similar position as you. For your on good, move out and move on.

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Well, she did start to come around two weeks ago. SHe said she wanted to go on a trip with me, we had sex, we went on some dates, and we were starting to be affectionate again.

 

Listen, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just trying to get you to look at this from a different perspective so you can have some possibility of getting what you want. I'm on your side here. I'm telling you like it is to try and snap you out of it so you can succeed... if you post here, you're looking for advice, and sometimes it's not exactly what you want to hear, but that doesn't make it the wrong advice. If you want to be defensive and deny what everyone's telling you, go right ahead, but I can guarantee you it will get you the exact opposite of what you want.

 

Reconciliation in this type of situation will not happen in any real, lasting way if you attempt to go about it this way. Nothing will change. She may have momentarily threw you a few crumbs, like I said, but you're clinging to those tiny crumbs futally in the face of a much bigger reality. You must look at this from a larger perspective and different vantage point than you are now. Staying in the living situaion you are in is not going to help you accomplish this. You need to think of this in a more long-range sense... you're only prolonging your pain as you grasp desperately to the dying embers of a relationship that is over.

 

When I got back together with my ex this year, it was a completely different relationship than the one I left last summer. It HAD to be that way, the old way didn't work for us. The only way that was possible was that I had insisted on NC for at least 4 months. And that meant... totally ceasing contact. For months. The situation you are in, it isn't possible. You are doing the exact opposite of what you need to be doing right now to even give yourself the slightest chance of getting her back.

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