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Slow suicide


Pam49
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Been married 26years now. Every marriage & relationship has it's ups/downs and struggles.-in large part because of his heavy drinking x 20 years...

2 great kids 17 & 21 (and yes...there's an obvious connection betw the kids ages & his drinking, but that's betw him & his therapist). About 1 year ago, he stopped drinking-cold turkey. That day, he started smoking 1 cigar/day. He opened up & actually ASKED how my days went etc...one time-St. Patricks day, he drove 40 miles to fill my car up with St. Patricks day balloons while I was at work And for xmas, my oldest even commented on how she'd never seen me buy so many presents for him, or 'like him' so much....

I even sent his therapist a THANK YOU note "for helping me find my husband & making it all worth while".Then suddenly when he came back from his 2nd therapy session in January, something changed & he's been smokin 2-3 cigars/day. My problem: cigar smoke is soo repulsive to me, I almost puke when I smell it. He smokes them outside - even in the winter, but any hugs, kissing etc - I can't stand it. Any/all intimacy is non existant because of it.

It's changed his whole body odor. Now that I"m thru menopause, I've started to be more interested in intimacy, but as soon as I get near him-the smell almost wants to make me cry. SO. He's upset, I'm upset. I'd rather he smoke than drink-because he drank in a bar & DROVE home all the time....

So his cigar smoking is a slow suicide for both him AND our relationship

Thanx for letting me vent. I'd see a therapist myself...but the last 2 I've seen informed me that "I don't see how you're going to stay with him" because of all the crap he's put me thru-& I don't think I can handle hearing that right now. ](*,)

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2-3 cigars a day really does not qualify as "slow suicide". If he were smoking them heavily every day and had a predisposition to cancer, maybe. But 2-3, in place of heavy nonstop drinking for 20 years? With a man who is now acting like the husband you want him to be? That's not such a bad tradeoff, if the guy has to have one bad habit. If that's truly the only obstacle to staying together--which seems a little unlikely, actually, if I read between the lines, but you're the only one who can make that call.

 

There are lots of different cigar brands. Have him try some different kinds, maybe go to a really good cigar shop and consult an expert for help on the most aromatic & least stinky kinds. Or try a pipe. He can also shower before bed, use mouthwash & gargle.

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I agree with Sunflour. It is a lesser of evils to be sure. Better cigars or a pipe would help, as would more stringent hygiene. Perhaps get him a "smoking jacket" to wear outside to minimize the odor he brings back in with him....

 

Also, just keep telling yourself- This is the smell of a sober husband, this is the smell of a happy man who appreciates me....you may be able to get used to it....

 

I don't know. But given what you've said, I'd try to find every way possible to make this bearable. If that's what it takes, it's worth it, isn't it?

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