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new boyfriend losing interest?


msfoolish

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I started seeing my new boyfriend a couple of months ago. At first he was really into me, wanting to see me everyday and texting all the time. Now though he seems to have backed right off, he doesnt call or text me hardly at all and doesnt see me much.

 

I've asked him if theres something different now and he called me paranoid and said he's just busy.

 

He told me he loved me very early on and i was a bit taken back by this and not too comfotable with it, but it seems like now my feelings have grown for him, his are fading.

 

I text him yesterday saying i hope he has a good day with his sister who is visiting him at the moment and he didnt reply all day.

 

Any advice? When i saw him thursday night he said i needed to understand that he loves me and him not being in touch as much doesnt mean anything but i'm confused,

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Well to me, I think that he still loves you its just that when a new relationship begins, a couple is usually more close together but as time goes on, they will need their own space more. But I do think you should talk to him about how you feel in this situation, so that he knows what to do to make sure you know that he loves you.

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Thanks davezor

 

i have tried to talk to him about this, he said he didnt want to mess things up between us and i said the only thing that would do that would be if he carried in not communicating with me. He broke a couple of dates with me last week too which i forgot to mention in my post, and doesnt text when he said he would.

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i know, i've given him loads of opportunity to call things off with me, i just dont understand why he wouldnt be honest. It wouldnt be a huge deal, i would be a little upset but nothing major.

 

Think i'll just back off and not get in touch with him and if calls or text me then i guess its a bonus. Do u think this is the right course of action?

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All the signs are there, that he's losing interest,...and choosing not to be honest with you in the process.

 

Why does this happen with guys all of a sudden? They are really really into you, and suddenly...its like you are annoying them or something...

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God knows Ivory tower

 

Its just so confusing and i dont know what to do for the best!!

 

Sometimes I think there are a few possibilites...

 

1) He's just stressed about one thing or another.

2) He's gotten too comfortable with you. Its time to break out the high heels and fancy dresses!

3) He doesn't know what he wants.

4) He's bored with you and is staying because he's used to the relationship.

5) He likes where things are and doesn't see it as a problem.

 

I hope that helped! One or more are usually the reasons...

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I don't think you can generalise. Every individual is different whether they're a guy or a girl. I've only ever had one girlfriend, and what happened was she was the one who was really into me in the beginning, and after I got to know her better I realised I really liked her not just as a friend. As soon as I started showing interest in her, we started going out, and after just a month or two, even though things were going great (from my perspective) she suddenly lost interest and broke up with me, without giving me a reason.

 

Maybe I'm different from other guys, but if I'm romatically interested in someone, the feeling doesn't just 'fade'. I would have to have a really good reason to lose interest (like if I found out they were cheating for example), In other words, they'd have to do something really bad for me to lose interest. But if I have no good reason, I am not just going to lose interest out of the blue. If I have feelings for someone, those feelings remain, and I'm not going to start to act weird and distant all of a sudden.

 

I've always thought that girls were the ones who were more likely to lose interest early on in a relationship, or even at a later stage. Maybe because they are more emotional than men in general. But I might be wrong...

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Why does this happen with guys all of a sudden? They are really really into you, and suddenly...its like you are annoying them or something...

 

I honestly don't know...

 

But when someone loses an interest, I don't think it's because they dislike you, or are saying you are a bad person, or you are not good enough for them anymore. It is because there just isnt enough interest to want to take the relationship to the next level....or they were not looking for anything serious anyway.

 

I think that people can also be physically attracted in the beginning and before they even know the other person. So they date and get to know each other. Further down the line, the two people may find they have little in common, they are not on the same page, emotionally, intellectually, mentally, etc...it just doesn't feel right, for one of them. So of course, they are gonna opt out....

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Sometimes I think there are a few possibilites...

 

1) He's just stressed about one thing or another.

2) He's gotten too comfortable with you. Its time to break out the high heels and fancy dresses!

3) He doesn't know what he wants.

4) He's bored with you and is staying because he's used to the relationship.

5) He likes where things are and doesn't see it as a problem.

 

I hope that helped! One or more are usually the reasons...

 

Yeah they are also possibilities...

Some people do get too comfortable and think they don't have to work as hard anymore....

Imagine what it would be like to actually marry someone like this though?

He'd likely be off doing his own thing....99% of the time.

 

People can also stay in a relationship and until something they percieve to be better, comes along....

Men I've noticed, do this more than women.....and because men will stay in a relationship just for sex and even if the relationship isn't what he really wants.

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You know something, Im the 'exact' same.

When I like someone, I like them and there is no chance that my interest would wane shortly after....

 

I've only ever chosen to get involved with guys, with whom there was a huge interest on my part and I think this is the reason why I've always tended to be and in most instances, the 'dumped' party....

I liked them too much, too just dump them.

 

If my interest was only half hearted, then I wouldn't get involved....and I'd more likely have been the 'dumper', than the 'dumped', if I'd chose to get involved with men I wasnt that interested in....

 

I think this is why people can dump shortly afterwards too. There wasn't enough interest in the beginning, perhaps??

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As it's only been 2 months, and he's already distancing from you, that shows he doesn't really love you. He might have felt more when you didn't feel so much. Now that you feel more, he's stepped back, which is the way things often go. If you back off too, he might get more interested, but what would be the point of that? He still wouldn't want to be involved, is my guess. This level of involvement is all you can expect from him, for whatever reason he has, so no use trying for more. Cut your losses, I'd say, before you get any more hurt.

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I honestly don't know...

 

But when someone loses an interest, I don't think it's because they dislike you, or are saying you are a bad person, or you are not good enough for them anymore. It is because there just isnt enough interest to want to take the relationship to the next level....or they were not looking for anything serious anyway.

 

I think that people can also be physically attracted in the beginning and before they even know the other person. So they date and get to know each other. Further down the line, the two people may find they have little in common, they are not on the same page, emotionally, intellectually, mentally, etc...it just doesn't feel right, for one of them. So of course, they are gonna opt out....

 

 

This is probably whats happening in her case right now. Trust your gut. The first few months the relationship thrives off physical attraction but it dies out. Then for whatever reason they decide they just arent that into you. They may still want to keep you around because they are attracted to you, but nothing more serious. You want more serious and they dont.

 

Same thing just happened to me with a woman. Super hot and heavy early on. She wanted me in her bed every night to hold her ect. She even told me she was falling for me on our 2nd date and not to hurt her. I like you was taken back. 2 months later now shes super independent and she doesnt need to communicate or see me as much which makes you out to look like a fool. Then she called me paranoid too like you lol. Now I understand the whole idea that as a relationship progresses, you become comfortable with that person and you dont need to be all up in eachothers business 24/7. We all need our space. But if somoene is telling you they shouldnt feel that have to respond to your texts or you're being paranoid or they called you in the morning and thats all they feel they should have to do....thats a red flag.. You arent being too needy...they became less interested.

 

Trust me, if this guy was into you and he loved you he would not have even called you paranoid with such a sensitive topic to you. I bet that hurt. Its kinda early to tell here but your best bet is start being less available and see if he comes around. Start adjusting your relationship though. The honeymoon phase could be over

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As it's only been 2 months, and he's already distancing from you, that shows he doesn't really love you. He might have felt more when you didn't feel so much. Now that you feel more, he's stepped back, which is the way things often go. If you back off too, he might get more interested, but what would be the point of that? He still wouldn't want to be involved, is my guess. This level of involvement is all you can expect from him, for whatever reason he has, so no use trying for more. Cut your losses, I'd say, before you get any more hurt.

 

 

Two thoughts. One, when someone says "I love you" early on, you need to recognize that he doesn't love YOU but the idea of you that he has at that time. As time goes on, more about you starts to emerge and that may or may not fit into his picture of who you are.

 

Second, remember that it's really important to be independent and not seem needy. Are you doing that? Are you initiating a lot of the contact or letting him? Are you always asking if things are ok? Are you wanting to spend a lot of time together? I'm not saying you do this, but it can kill the attraction early on to seem needy in a relationship.

 

Note: I just wanted to agree with the above poster when he says that a guy who is into you won't call you paranoid. A guy who really wants you doesn't want to give you the wrong impression and though he may disagree, he would not phrase it in such a way to indicate that there is something wrong with you. You should really take this as a sign that he's not as interested as he should be in you.

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Two thoughts. One, when someone says "I love you" early on, you need to recognize that he doesn't love YOU but the idea of you that he has at that time. As time goes on, more about you starts to emerge and that may or may not fit into his picture of who you are.

 

I like this because it addressed the start of the relationship, which stands out for me as the biggest part of the problem. Most people who ignore old fashioned advice to keep some distance and restraint at the start of relationships throw themselves into fantasy only to burn out on dis-illusion-ment.

 

It doesn't mean you can make someone love you more by backing them off in the beginning and playing games. It means you force them to slow down enough to get to know YOU, the human being, rather than falling victim to whatever shiny object they've mistaken you for. This allows you to get to know them beyond their impulses, and it gives them time to show you whether they're invested in you or some mind thing they've invented 'about' you.

 

Second, remember that it's really important to be independent and not seem needy. Are you doing that? Are you initiating a lot of the contact or letting him? Are you always asking if things are ok? Are you wanting to spend a lot of time together? I'm not saying you do this, but it can kill the attraction early on to seem needy in a relationship.

 

Yep. Also not making assumptions about you here--this is generalizing. It's not enough to sit around waiting for someone to become the focus of your life. That's the perfect way to become bored--and boring. If you've got enough going on with your own friends, your own work or school life, your own interests and creativity and causes, then you're able to focus less on using one person to distract yourself from navel gazing, and they've got room to breathe without feeling suffocated. They've also got a lot more to admire about you.

 

Note: I just wanted to agree with the above poster when he says that a guy who is into you won't call you paranoid. A guy who really wants you doesn't want to give you the wrong impression and though he may disagree, he would not phrase it in such a way to indicate that there is something wrong with you. You should really take this as a sign that he's not as interested as he should be in you.

 

I don't know about 'shoulds' but it sounds dismissive, the way you'd push away a pet who's all over you. You might be fond of the animal, but when you're focused on something else, you're not entirely aware of how you're responding to the affection you take for granted. Point is, if you don't want to be taken for granted, then focus elsewhere and stop participating. Observe how long it takes for him to step up and pick up the slack. If he's given enough time to play on his own then resume some reasonable effort and does not, then you'll have all the information you need to know. No fighting or drama is necessary.

 

In your corner.

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I have never experiences this phenomenon personally. For some reason I have more of a problem with guys who turn obsessive as time goes on.

 

He might just be the "flavor of the month" type of guy. I don't think it is such a huge deal to not respond all day every now and then but just talk to him about it. It is normal for things to settle down a little bit. Everybody has different levels in comfort with their amount of contact in relationships. Talk to him about it directly.

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I don't know about 'shoulds' but it sounds dismissive, the way you'd push away a pet who's all over you. You might be fond of the animal, but when you're focused on something else, you're not entirely aware of how you're responding to the affection you take for granted. Point is, if you don't want to be taken for granted, then focus elsewhere and stop participating. Observe how long it takes for him to step up and pick up the slack. If he's given enough time to play on his own then resume some reasonable effort and does not, then you'll have all the information you need to know. No fighting or drama is necessary.

 

It is not at all dismissive of him to think of his behavior and yours in terms of "should" as appropriate. It's perfectly acceptable, and in fact advisable, for you to have standards and exptectations. You deserve them. Time, experience, and individidual interaction will help you adjust those as you go on in a relationship. Additionally, it helps keep you clear about what ok with you and what is not. If calling you paranoid is not acceptable to you then have a conversation with him. If him not calling you once a week, your bare minimum let's say, occurs then move on.

 

Wait and see is good but don't wait forever and don't take disrespect. Careful observation without action can lead to passive acceptance of an undesirable situation. At some point, you'll need to move forward so hopefully we can give you some pitfalls to avoid as you do. Best of luck to you!

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