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Girlfriend and her exes (long read)


wateraflame

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Hey everyone, no idea where to start, I'm completely lost, no idea what I'm feeling... I actually googled relationship advice... never thought I'd do that, but its brought me here. So i guess I'll just spill out my entire history of my time with my gf, all the major incidents that have been bottling inside of me leading up to the most recent that has now resulted in me feeling completely helpless and confused

 

Throughout the 9 months we've been together and the total 11 months we've known and been interested in each other, her exes have plagued our relationship. The 2 months before we started going out, she was hesitant about going out with me, but I had kept pursuing, and before we started going out we had had a few intimate encounters.

 

Anyways, one night (at this point we had had 2 or so intimate encounters, she knew I was into her, and I trying very intently to get her), we had gone together to our mutual friends birthday party. We had spent all day together, so I had a big bag of her stuff and various other things in the trunk of my car. Long story short, at the end of the night, she asks me to bring her stuff to her house tomorrow, as she wasn't going home with me, but instead she was going to stop briefly at a friends house with some other friends, and then a friend was going to drive her home. The truth however, as I quickly learnt, her ex, who was at the party, had asked her to go over so they could * * * * , which they did. Needless to say, the girl I was falling in love with ditched me to be a booty call. Before I found out however, I was solely upset that I had been ditched, especially since all her stuff was in my car, and just so she could stop at a friends house for a couple of minutes, I now had to drive it to her house the next day.

To move on with my story, I found out that she and him had sex, and even as hurt as I was, I rationalized with myself that her and I weren't going out or anything, and she had history with him since he was her ex. So as time passed and she had fallen for me as much as I had fallen for her, I decided to date her regardless. (This btw, made a very close friend of mine whom I told about the ex incident, very mad. She didn't think I should've still gone out with her. and as a result, she now seldom talks to me)

 

Anyways, immediately after we started going out, another ex became a problem. This guy, her most recent ex, demanded to see her multiple times "to talk about them", called her at odd hours of the night, basically just wouldn't let go. The boiling point of this for me, was one night where my gf and I were hanging out with her two friends and a buddy of mine, my buddy whom didn't know her friends. She spent the entire 40 minute car ride talking with this guy on the phone, while I sat beside her basically twiddling my thumbs trying to avoid eye contact with everyone in the car who knew it was her ex. After I finally expressed my extreme discomfort and displeasure with this, my gf finally stopped talking and seeing him.

 

Just when I thought the ex problems where through, I find out, by complete accident, that the most recent ex who was causing problems, and another pretty recent ex, my gf had kept a lot of text messages from them. Honestly, this wouldn't have been a problem, had it not been the fact that I knew very well because her phone is pretty crappy, she has to routinely go through all her text messages and delete some to make room for new ones. She tops out at under 100 text messages. So I bring it up, tell her I'm uncomfortable, she makes me out like im a lunatic bad guy, and reluctantly deletes them. (I find out soon enough however that she still kept a few texts hidden elsewhere on her phone) (Not that I snooped this, I don't do that, I just very unluckily stumbled upon these)

 

On top of all that, one of her exes only texts or msn msgs her when he's looking for action (the one she slept with before we started going out). She says he's not, but I'm a guy, I know what a msg for a booty call looks like.

So, to cut to the chase.

 

Obviously, I'm not happy with her exes. And to break it down, theres 4 of them. 1 who slept with her before we went out, and every now and then for the first couple months of our relationship, would, at like 12 or 1 on friday or saturday nights (obiviously after no other girls have agreed to him) text her to "hang out". 1, whom kept calling and texting her about their relationship when we first started going out, and whom also she kept texts from. 1 more, the second guy whom she kept text messages from among other things. And the last one, who has spurred the problems as of late.

But anyways, so yeh, I'm not happy with her exes. And I told her this, I said, your not great friends with any of them. They don't talk to you unless its for something. Can't you cut them out. She refuses. Whatever, I understand that they were once a big part of her life.

But whenever we get in a fight, she throws it in my face, that shes given up so much for me, but i don't acknowledge/respect it. Aka, turning me into the bad guy every single fight. The fact is that I DO appreciate that shes stopped talking to them, but only in the sense that she doesnt initiate converstation. If they talk to her first, she tells me that she can't be mean, and thus uses that to go have long conversations with them. Also, with facebook, since I don't have them as friends, she talks to them via their statuses and pictures, so as to bypass a wall-to-wall conversation which i would be able see when they post on her wall.

 

another line she always uses on top of, I've given up so much for you, is, "you always nitpick". saying that everytime she has contact with a ex I bring up something obscure like, "you couldve politely responded then not continued the conversation further as to be nice but still not talk to them" or "talking to someone via comments on their facebook status is the same thing as just talking to them" She uses that to label me as a bad guy, to fuel her rightfulness in a fight. So I can't say anything ever. On one hand, everything I say in terms of her exes is responded with a, "I've already given up so much for you", while all my rebuttals to that, since its not true, since she still talks to her exes is met with a "you always nitpick"

 

Most recently, one of her exes came back to town from california. and almost instantly, after not talking to her for like a year, messages her on facebook. With a very crappy pickup line mind you. So they go back and forth, the convo gets longer, his desperation gets more obviously. I know of these messages, because I was over once and she went to go check her inbox on facebook, but the second she sees that its a message from him, she tries to start talking to me about something completely different while closing the window and dragging me to do something else. Because we decided to have full trust in each other, we have each other's facebook passwords, so later that night, i went to look. and she had deleted it. Long story short, at the end of the day, I had managed to read the whole conversation. Which is why I know he was very obviously trying to get some from her.

SO, I brought it up, and she gets defensive, as expected. And the jist of it is, "well were still good friends, he doesn't want to hook up with me, your being retarded, what dyou want me to do? delete him?"

to which i say yes, since that would give him the clue that shes moved on, not interested in him, and to f off. so she does

but as i find out later, her deleting him off facebook is accompanied by the farewell message:

hey, just to let you know, so you don't find out later and think to yourself, " * * * , that * * * * * deleted me"

its not that i dont value your friendship, I'm just deleting you because my boyfriend wants me to, yeah, i know

whatever, it'll please him

but you have my number now, and heres my email

bye bye

 

So, I was quite upset by that, since the entire point of having her delete him off facebook would be so he gets the point.

 

Sorry for the long ass rant, im pretty sure some of it might be incoherent.

 

I'm not mad and hellbent on her cutting all ties with her exes (as much as I'd like that) I'm just confused that everytime we have a fight regarding something with her exes, her winning argument is always that she's given up so much for me.

and if I try to rebuttal, she says I nitpick

 

basically my questions are

1) am I right to feel that she isn't really giving up that much? and that Im the one who's given up a lot in putting up with all of that from the start. I mean, nothing thats happened feels very good.

2) am I also right to feel that I'm not nitpicking, that she just isn't doing what she says shes doing?

3) am I right to feel so upset over her exes? I understand that girls have the right to be friends with their exes, but they aren't friends, at least not in my opinion. And to me it seems like they don't want to be friends with her.

4) or am I completely wrong in all of this, a selfish, insecure bastard and I should go off myself

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Why are you still with this girl? She has cheated on you multiple occasions. Why settle for this? Her actions are a perfectly good example of what a whackjob does. Also, it's not classy to bring up ex boyfriends/girlfriend into a new relationship.

 

The next time she asks you to carry her stuff while she goes off to give an ex a blow job, you should pull over on a bridge and throw her crap down the river. If she asks for it, just say "Hey, I hear you're good at fishing. You can fish for it at (location of river)." Just as she ditched you, you ditch her stuff

 

I mean seriously, that is BS the way she treats you. You deserve a chick who treats you better than this.

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