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Hello. I've decided I just need to rant about this in an open forum to release and move on. Feel free to comment.

 

I used to have all the sympathy in the world for people who found themselves too heartbroken to let go of another person. Afterall, my first love dumped me and the pain was quite unbearable for over a year. I thought about her constantly. I KNEW she'd made a mistake. I was so convinced that we were supposed to be together forever that, even after moving away, I wouldn't let myself move on emotionally and start dating again. Hell, I wouldn't even make new friends. Yes, I felt like this for a long time and truly understood the plight of the rebuffed . . . until I was forced to see it from the other side.

 

This jerk, for all of his supposed 'good intent' and self-professed "love" for me seems to be under the impression that a relationship gone sour can be rectified with abusive and harassing behaviors. No, communicating to me what a horrible person you think I am for breaking your heart is NOT intimacy. Calling me a ' * * * * * ' and referencing a desire to kill me in the same breath as an "I love you" is not going to make us closer. No, I'm not hiding anything from you. I'm NOT secretly in love with you -when I say that I don't like you or your behavior, that is exactly what I mean. There is no mysterious puzzle to solve here. Reminding me over and over again that at one time I liked you doesn't change the way I feel about you now. And, seriously, calling at 4 am and leaving creepy voicemails after I have requested that you do not contact me may remind me that you still exist, but it makes me like you even less.

 

So, for all the sympathy I have for the pained at heart, I absolutely do not condone acting on it impulsively. Yes, it sucks when your other evolves to a different set of intentions in their life path that doesn't include you, but you can't force somebody to enjoy you again. Doing so usually just digs you deeper into the emotional hole. I have great respect for the way my first love handled the aftershocks of our breakup now that I've seen the situation from the other side.

 

So, in my head, here are the rules:

 

1) Yes, it sucks, and everybody is sorry. Probably even your ex.

2) Your other is not responsible for the way you feel and react.

3) Your other does not compel you to behave irrationally -YOU do.

4) If you aren't grown-up enough to deal with rejection, you probably shouldn't be getting involved.

5) Lust is instictual. Love is a choice.

6) If you can't respect another's wishes, you cannot possibly love them.

 

and the big one:

 

7) If you are having a most difficult time moving on, your ex is not the person to help you with this. Friends, family and mental health professionals will do this for you. Your ex needs a break from you, but probably more importantly -YOU need a break from your ex.

 

I know it is difficult, but if you're a reasonably intelligent person it isn't that hard to understand. Part of being mature enough for high levels of interpersonal intimacy is understanding that sometimes life IS unfair, and no amount of attempts to control your other is going to make that disappear. Be good to yourself. Muster up the courage to move on for your own sake. It won't go unnoticed, and you will be pleased with yourself when you can say to your next dating partner "Yeah, my ex broke my heart. But I sucked it up, respected their wishes and moved on."

 

-C

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Yeah, you're right. I tried to rationalize to my ex about the break-up the day after, but then I realized how useless it was and gave it up. Instead I came here to vent

I don't think it's wrong for someone whose heart is broken to get irrational or upset or angry, but it's definitely better that those feelings be expressed to someone OTHER than our exes...because they will just use it against us.

 

I don't think the irrational feelings mean a lack of love, per se...they are just a natural reaction to feeling threatened often times.

 

This is great advice though. So if anyone ever wants to go crazy on their ex, just come here and post mean letters or just rant about them. It will help your sanity. I'm extremely greatful for this site...or who knows how many desperate emails I would have sent to my ex?!

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I don't think it's wrong for someone whose heart is broken to get irrational or upset or angry [ . . . ]

 

 

Agreed. If somebody is fully invested in *anything* that doesn't pan out to meet their expectations, there should be some emotional backlash. Nobody deserves to be made to feel horrible simply because they're already there, which is another thing I do not condone.

 

 

I don't think the irrational feelings mean a lack of love, per se...they are just a natural reaction to feeling threatened often times.

 

 

This, however, is where it gets tricky if we're discussing actual obsession. Heartbreak for the first few months or maybe even years (depending on the length of the relationship) is natural and it can very well indicate love. This post is a tough love approach for those who really don't know much about their 'ex' or 'other' (I didn't even *date* the guy who inspired it. It was a friendship that went sour over his irrational behavior), but have come to idealize them. If you genuinely love another person, it gets easier to let go with time because you are in a space where you are no longer blinded by their wonderful attributes. Loving another, in my head, means accepting the entire package: the greatness + faults. It doesn't go away so easily if an ideal is the thing that is lusted after because ideals are immutable. Actual people are not.

 

So, being the target of this ideal complex from an obsessive person has compelled me to believe that it is impossible to reason with these people. Their rationale takes several disturbing forms:

 

"If C says she doesn't love me, she doesn't really mean it. She has too many psychological problems to love another person and I need to help her."

 

"If C doesn't want me to contact her, that means that I know her so well that what I say to her hits her where it hurts most -because we're so close."

 

"I think about C all day everyday, therefore she MUST love me back."

 

"Even if I haven't spoken to C in a year, I still know who she is because I know her soul better than anyone else."

 

See the pattern? these people act with a sense of entitlement and oftentimes irrationally. It's the type of reasoning that an abuser uses to convince their victim that the abuse is the victim's fault. And, really, it doesn't bother me so much that people allow themselves to fall prey to this type of reasoning because it's more like a mental disorder than anything else and that doesn't need anybody's contempt. The thing that is bothersome is when they act out, pestering you about the end of the relationship over and over, calling when you've requested they don't, referencing a desire to kill you, etc. Nobody in their right mind honestly believes that these behaviors will rectify a relationship -they're compulsions. So, you're right. People should come to places like this if there isn't anyone else to talk to and they aren't in a position to get professional help, because nobody wants to go to law enforcement to cut an ex out of their life for good.

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Maybe I'm obsessed. Maybe it's only because it's been 2.5 weeks. Yes, that's probably it. Time supposedly heals all wounds, right? Well, not if you've been stabbed, no, you are likely to bleed to death. But we're talking metaphorically here. I've been metaphorically stabbed in the heart. I'm still alive and breathing.

 

It's difficult reading your post in my mindset. I pride myself on being a rational and logical person. Love, it seems, takes all of that and throws it for a loop: upside down, side-to-side, all over the place! It's a wild ride and I'm not sure I have the stomach for it.

 

It would have been better not to get involved with this woman, but I did, for a year. I said I love you, and I heard it back. I believe I know her well enough to criticize her behavior. I thought I knew how to say things to make her hurt. Turns out I was right. I did say things that would hurt her just as she hurt me. Not to the same extent though. She wasn't hurt as much as I am.

 

I know I need to move on. I really do. Yet the smallest things remind me of...her. Random things. A sentence in a book; a lyric in a song; the perfume of a passing co-worker. It is Grief, I know. A word to the wise: read up on it. It's true, it's science. Doesn't make it easier though.

 

This reply is longer than I intended, but that's how it goes when I think about, well, you know. I could (and have) fill up pages upon pages. I know I need to stop, but not right now. One day, but not today. Maybe tomorrow, but probably not. Whenever I'm ready.

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What am I supposed to do?

 

I have vented my anger and frustration to my ex over and over again, mainly through despearation of making her see sense.

 

She left me to pursue a relationship with someone who has left her twice already.

I am angry as I have been her backup / emotional doormat in between.

We started a relationship last year, going as far as her moving in, and planning for the future, and then she begins to ignore me, which coincides with her ex getting in touch.

 

I love this girl so much, and she told me on numerous occassions she loved me.

Now she wants nothing to do with me, as she has her ex back.

 

I wish I'd seen this thread before, as I have done all the mistakes of calling and calling my ex, and venting my anger and going through many situations with her.

 

Now I look stupid, and have probably lost any chance of ever getting back together with her, because I reacted angrily and without thought.

 

Now I'm a situation where I am desperate to correct the mistake I made by reacting

in anger, and I seem to be digging a deeper hole every time I speak to her.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

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This thread has taken an interesting turn. I would like very much to help you guys. Bear in mind that the following are simply my thoughts, and they may not apply to your situation specifically, but for what it's worth here we go:

 

It sounds to me like neither of you are very far into your break-up, so the first thing I'll say is that everything you are feeling is acceptable; not just that, it is entirely natural. The emotions associated with the act of falling in love are closely akin to obsessive states of mind, but you can take solace in the fact that for the majority of us these states are temporary. There is not one magic thing that anyone can say to you right now to make what you're feeling disappear, but there are steps you can take to expediate the process of pulling it together and moving on. Here is what I recommend:

 

1) Keep a journal of your thoughts. A personal journal. Do not show it to your ex. In fact, keep it as private as you can stand to. Write down all of your thoughts, not just those related to the ex. You may find in reading back through it in a few months that thoughts on the ex become replaced with other thoughts -hopefully more constructive ideas. Keep it well-rounded enough and this will happen for you easily. Most importantly, though, just be honest with yourself in this log.

 

2) Try to view your break-up as an important evolution in your personal development. It really is an incredible opportunity to learn more about yourself.

 

3) Keep abreast of the fact that you are the one producing all of your feelings. Outside circumstance acts as inspiration for certain emotional states, but you aren't a slave to these things. Be diplomatic with yourself. You may find it gets easier with time if you can simply step back from whatever emotional state a reminder of the ex has inspired by saying to yourself "Okay, my time with the ex solidified a lot of my neurological pathways for me to be 'hardwired' with thoughts of them, and all I have to do now is create new pathways that don't involve the ex."

 

4) On that last point, divert your attention. You both seem like reasonably intelligent people and that isn't for naught. Intelligence is a product of natural curiosity about the world around you. Find a new interest or take up a hobby. Or go back to doing something you did with your time before you met the ex.

 

5) As a means of getting a handle on your emotions, stop blaming your ex for things. I know this might seem like a half-hearted attempt from the other side to alleviate the responsibility over here, but just hear me out: it's for your sake, not theirs. I think a lot of what makes breaking up so difficult for people is this ingrained & overly socialized sense of 'justice' that compels us to desire that the other person know exactly what they did wrong and why it wasn't fair to us. Life isn't fair, and chances are that your ex isn't much concerned with what is 'fair' to you right now. They have their own ideas about this. Of course this doesn't mean that you have to go around blaming yourself, either. "It just didn't work out" is well enough until you can see things more clearly. Chances are that five years from now you will hold very different ideas about why the relationship went sour.

 

Altogether, distancing yourself -physically, emotionally and mentally from the ex is what is needed. It does you no good to hold onto the idea that things might work out in the future with this person. You can be a 10x person without the ex.

 

On a personal note -I'm convinced I had a difficult time getting over my first love because before I met her, I did believe in the idea of a 'soul-mate.' It is nearly impossible to let go of another person when you believe that they're the only one of the face of the planet who has the wherewithall to make you happy. In the first few years after our break-up, I cognitively restructured myself to believe that my happiness could only come from me, due to the fact that it was only I who could be responsible for what I feel. And, get this . . . when I met her again after five years complete NC, I saw very quickly just how incompatible we were with one another. For every slight, every unmet expectation, every argument, every little thing I thought five years before I'd done wrong to drive her away, I saw that the only reason these things ever happened was that we just weren't good for each other to begin with. Hot damn, that felt great. A few months later I started dating again.

 

Good luck,

C

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I am obsessed with my ex. We've in turns been in NC and LC for 14 years and I still think about her most of the day. I have no compulsion to phone her, but I look forward to birthdays and christmas so I can send her a card and a present and sometimes I break down and send an inappropriate number of emails, but I can generally stop myself by thinking about how she must feel. She's been in a relationship for a number of years so I don't want to intrude.

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C, thank you for your advice. It really hit an "Aha!" moment with me. I think the recentness of this breakup is one item that is fogging my self-awareness and perception. I believe(d) this girl was, in fact, my soul-mate. I described it that way thru numerous emails and letter over the past year. At the same time, I was hurt just as many times, if not more. Does a soul-mate do that? I guess not. The mindset still lingers though.

 

I wish I could fast-forward time about a month or two. But living each day with my emotions will make a stronger person out of me. Meeting another girl will eventually come. I'm a pretty strong believer in the randomness of one's actions can lead to incredible events (for positive or negative).

 

Hopefully others are getting as much out of this thread as I am. I think sharing stories and feelings is important in moving forward. I'm already preparing for a future me. I've got plans in motion. Even though I won't know how successful these plans will be for several months, it's something to keep me occupied and focused on. That's a huge key point that you illustrated.

 

At any rate, it hurts -- a lot -- but that's to be expected. I'm grieving but trying to move on and accepting how I feel. I've been blaming outside events, but I'm starting to realize it is only my thoughts that influence how I feel.

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Going through the same thing right now myself, 'cept on top of the calls im being stalked on the internet, trying to get all up in my business. Had to change my phone numbers just the other day, as its now beginning to upset me greatly and am contemplating involving the police now. Any chance of friendship is now out off the window.. I understand your thread completely, as it is very very annoying.

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I agree with all except 1 and 5.

 

1) Not all ex's are sorry about things.

 

5) I don't believe love is a choice. If it were that easy, there would be no heartbroken people in the world. We don't choose who we fall in love with. BUT we choose being able to stay or walk away.

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